Forgetting someone who aliented me (lover, single, family, ugly)
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How do you forget the wrongs when someone deliberately came out of nowhere to alienate you and then blamed you for it by saying "Since you didn't say anything, you can't blame me or anyone else for being alienated."
The person had thrown tantrums, used silent treatment and sarcasm, shouted, used unhelpful criticism, condescending monologues, bragging, lack of empathy, and dirty looks to keep me out. At random times throughout that mess he wanted to know how I felt and if everything was going okay between the two of us. I had basically been harassed into submission and felt completely inferior, shut-down, and worthless by that point and then blamed for everything. A few years after this experience I'm still thinking about it, baffled and bewildered in understanding the logic of this person.
If it is still bothering you... there might be some valid points, that you need to look at ... preferably with a therapist.
Some dysfunctional people just enjoy making others miserable. What was your relationship with this person? Family member? Spouse? Lover? Co-worker? Different answers for each.
It feels like post traumatic stress. It was a roommate from hell. Naturally I left as soon as the lease ended. But by then it seemed like he had turned every single person against me. But I also had to work with him in other cases where he had turned people against me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by clairegoad
Don't let him live rent free in your head.
If it is still bothering you... there might be some valid points, that you need to look at ... preferably with a therapist.
Some dysfunctional people just enjoy making others miserable. What was your relationship with this person? Family member? Spouse? Lover? Co-worker? Different answers for each.
How do you forget the wrongs when someone deliberately came out of nowhere to alienate you and then blamed you for it by saying "Since you didn't say anything, you can't blame me or anyone else for being alienated."
A few years after this experience I'm still thinking about it, baffled and bewildered in understanding the logic of this person.
You can't undo the wrongs done to you. They either weaken you further or make you stronger.You didn't ask for this but it sounds like you didn't think you deserved better treatment.
I can't imagine having to live with such a person for years. Usually, people who know better realize that they should stay as far away from people like this the moment their ugly head shows up. I mean, you could try to set limits and see if they respect that but if they don't you have to get away from them.
The people who turned against you because of this roommate probably need help, too. Again, people with self-respect, dignity and respect for others would not be persuaded by a person that you describe. However, weak minded individuals would be.
I did think I deserved better. I remained as polite as possible and used avoidance as much possible until I could leave.
Quote:
Originally Posted by crisan
You can't undo the wrongs done to you. They either weaken you further or make you stronger.You didn't ask for this but it sounds like you didn't think you deserved better treatment.
I can't imagine having to live with such a person for years. Usually, people who know better realize that they should stay as far away from people like this the moment their ugly head shows up. I mean, you could try to set limits and see if they respect that but if they don't you have to get away from them.
The people who turned against you because of this roommate probably need help, too. Again, people with self-respect, dignity and respect for others would not be persuaded by a person that you describe. However, weak minded individuals would be.
I don't think you should forget. Especially if it was something you learned from. Doesn't mean you have to hold a grudge or be bitter, but you aren't obligated to forgive or forget wrongs that have been done to you, especially when they were intentional.
I did think I deserved better. I remained as polite as possible and used avoidance as much possible until I could leave.
You think? Or you know?
When you know you deserve better, it will become apparent that it wasn't you, but him. He's the one with the issues.
Repeat after me: "He's not my problem anymore."
Seriously. I understand where you're coming from. Personal stake aside, it can be morbidly fascinating to try to figure out why someone else is so warped, how he or she got to be that way, and why you, yourself, were the chosen target.
But it's all in the past. Now you know the signs of a manipulative jerk. File them away for future use so that the next time someone starts up with that nonsense, you can get rid of him right away.
I don't think you should forget. Especially if it was something you learned from. Doesn't mean you have to hold a grudge or be bitter, but you aren't obligated to forgive or forget wrongs that have been done to you, especially when they were intentional.
I agree with that. There's no reason to forget but you can get over being bitter. You don't forget because you will never allow this person to do this again to you but you move on.
The thing is, you can only change what you can change and you can't make other people nice or thoughtful. Only they can change themselves.
There's somethings in that AA serenity prayer that make a lot of sense for the way you approach a lot of people and events.
I agree with that. There's no reason to forget but you can get over being bitter. You don't forget because you will never allow this person to do this again to you but you move on.
The thing is, you can only change what you can change and you can't make other people nice or thoughtful. Only they can change themselves.
There's somethings in that AA serenity prayer that make a lot of sense for the way you approach a lot of people and events.
I don't presume to know 'much' about getting beyond this type of thing but when I recall such experiences I have to try to quit 'kicking' myself for being a 'fool'.
Be very kind to yourself.
Imo, there is no 'logic' to understand. Such an individual is at the core self-absorbed/selfish---a child. Those who remain 'childish' create the sort of limitations/punishment that are far greater than anything you could ever say or do to them.
When you know you deserve better, it will become apparent that it wasn't you, but him. He's the one with the issues.
Repeat after me: "He's not my problem anymore."
Seriously. I understand where you're coming from. Personal stake aside, it can be morbidly fascinating to try to figure out why someone else is so warped, how he or she got to be that way, and why you, yourself, were the chosen target.
But it's all in the past. Now you know the signs of a manipulative jerk. File them away for future use so that the next time someone starts up with that nonsense, you can get rid of him right away.
Learn, grow, move on.
Agree.
"God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference."
More than likely the "things" you can change is only yourself.
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