Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I'm 37 and my husband is 41. I have some major concerns about our marriage. Things just don't seem to be right. So I wonder: what is a normal *loving* marriage really like?
Women: What does your husband do for you to help around the house, help with the kids, be romantic, etc?
Husbands: What do you (as a husband) do for your wife? How do you support each other and show your love?
I feel like as the mom, I am doing all of the work, while my husband just complains and yells at the kids. Things have definately taken a turn for the worse since we had kids (ages almost 2 and 4) I don't feel the love from/ for my husband anymore at all. He is totally changed from the person I married. I find myself having regrets about marrying him and wondering if divorce would be best not only for me, but for the kids also. My husband thinks it's funny to do things like point out the car window to an overweight woman and say to our oldest son "Look, "Jack" a fat chic!" Of course, I am livid and just sick that it has come to this. Today we were in a restaurant and an overweight woman walked in. My son turned to me and said "Mommy, a fat woman!" This is child abuse in my book. Mind you, my husband is not a stupid man. In fact, he is very intelligent, but he just lives in his own little world. He is turning into his father more every day, and he always tells me stories about how bad his father was.
More than anything, I want to avoid having my kids grow up in a divorced family, but I also don't know if I can face the next 30+ years in a situation where I feel totally invaluled. I don't know if I should try to find someone who is really capable of steeping up to the plate and doing things like telling me they love me, saying nice things, helping out around the house now and then. Are these men really out there or do they only exist in the movies? I am a well-educated, attractive woman. Should I try to find someone who will realize this or stay with a man who is becoming more unstable by the day? When I suggested we visit a marriage counselor, his response was "That's absurd." I have to make a huge deal to get him to stop saying bad things around our kids, and yet the other day he said to our oldest ""Jack" eat some G-D food!" right in front of other people in a restaurant. It is embarassing!!!
I've read your three posts in this thread and am sorry you are going through this. Your words indicate that you are caught up in loathing and resentment for your husband. I am not blaming you for your husband's bad behavior, but I will caution you not to let this anger consume you. Two things in particular caught my eye:
Your second post said that your husband has "ballooned up to 240," while your third post made it sound like he was on a weight lifting regime. Is he obese or just very muscular (or both)? Did he fail in his plans to change his physique? If so, why? How did that affect him?
Your first post said that your husband "just complains and yells at [the children]," but your third post said that he was mellow and interacting with the kids at the time. I point this out because it's easy to allow anger to skew our perception. We only see what anger wants us to see and remember what anger wants us to remember. We say things like "You never" and "I always," when those things are not true.
My husband and I went through a few rough years. We were not nice to one another. I blamed him at the time and despised him for being a jerk to me, but I was a jerk too. I would wake him up in the morning to yell at him about something. I looked at him with contempt on my face and treated him like an enemy. The truth is that we were mean to one another, and it was a cycle that went around and around and around. That is a miserable way to live. You have to break the cycle or get out. We did break the cycle, and now we are happy and content with one another. No one who didn't know us when we were younger would know that we used to fight. We almost never squabble anymore about anything.
We went to counseling for a while. It cost a lot and didn't do jack for us. It just magnified how angry we were at one another. We stopped going. There's no one fix for everyone, though. Personal counseling might do you good--there's no reason to press your husband to go if he doesn't want to. It'll just be one more thing to fight about.
Our crisis came to an ugly head right before our 10th anniversary. I had had enough and told him I was leaving. I wasn't bluffing; I just needed time to figure out where to live and come up with a viable plan. I stopped picking fights with him and arguing about every little thing just so I could feel right. I let go of all of it, and the relief ... the relief was so good. If he tried to argue with me, I'd answer as briefly and blandly as I could and walk away. I wasn't rude (though I was cold) but I just stopped struggling and focused on myself and what the kids and I were going to do. Personal counseling can help with this, so you might give it a try.
My husband was confused at why I was acting differently, because he didn't believe me when I said I was leaving. Once he realized I meant it, he asked for another chance. We talked for a long time, just the two of us. I came to realize he needed love and comfort as much as I did. I was so wrapped up in MY feelings, MY needs, MY thoughts, what was happening to me me ME, that I had neglected him. He was going through some tough things and needed me too. By neglecting him, I neglected my marriage and my own happiness. That cycle I mentioned before--you can have bad energy going around and around, making things worse and worse, or you can have good energy making things better and better.
Not everybody comes back from that kind of anger. Your marriage may not be salvageable. I'd like to think so, but you and your husband have to be ready to move in the same direction at the same time. You have to be able to look at him with love and respect instead of loathing. No one can possibly be happy living with someone who abhors him. No one wants to feel attacked. If you want your marriage to work, you have to start by setting aside the anger and looking at your life with open eyes.
I've read your three posts in this thread and am sorry you are going through this. Your words indicate that you are caught up in loathing and resentment for your husband. I am not blaming you for your husband's bad behavior, but I will caution you not to let this anger consume you. Two things in particular caught my eye:
Your second post said that your husband has "ballooned up to 240," while your third post made it sound like he was on a weight lifting regime. Is he obese or just very muscular (or both)? Did he fail in his plans to change his physique? If so, why? How did that affect him?
Your first post said that your husband "just complains and yells at [the children]," but your third post said that he was mellow and interacting with the kids at the time. I point this out because it's easy to allow anger to skew our perception. We only see what anger wants us to see and remember what anger wants us to remember. We say things like "You never" and "I always," when those things are not true.
My husband and I went through a few rough years. We were not nice to one another. I blamed him at the time and despised him for being a jerk to me, but I was a jerk too. I would wake him up in the morning to yell at him about something. I looked at him with contempt on my face and treated him like an enemy. The truth is that we were mean to one another, and it was a cycle that went around and around and around. That is a miserable way to live. You have to break the cycle or get out. We did break the cycle, and now we are happy and content with one another. No one who didn't know us when we were younger would know that we used to fight. We almost never squabble anymore about anything.
We went to counseling for a while. It cost a lot and didn't do jack for us. It just magnified how angry we were at one another. We stopped going. There's no one fix for everyone, though. Personal counseling might do you good--there's no reason to press your husband to go if he doesn't want to. It'll just be one more thing to fight about.
Our crisis came to an ugly head right before our 10th anniversary. I had had enough and told him I was leaving. I wasn't bluffing; I just needed time to figure out where to live and come up with a viable plan. I stopped picking fights with him and arguing about every little thing just so I could feel right. I let go of all of it, and the relief ... the relief was so good. If he tried to argue with me, I'd answer as briefly and blandly as I could and walk away. I wasn't rude (though I was cold) but I just stopped struggling and focused on myself and what the kids and I were going to do. Personal counseling can help with this, so you might give it a try.
My husband was confused at why I was acting differently, because he didn't believe me when I said I was leaving. Once he realized I meant it, he asked for another chance. We talked for a long time, just the two of us. I came to realize he needed love and comfort as much as I did. I was so wrapped up in MY feelings, MY needs, MY thoughts, what was happening to me me ME, that I had neglected him. He was going through some tough things and needed me too. By neglecting him, I neglected my marriage and my own happiness. That cycle I mentioned before--you can have bad energy going around and around, making things worse and worse, or you can have good energy making things better and better.
Not everybody comes back from that kind of anger. Your marriage may not be salvageable. I'd like to think so, but you and your husband have to be ready to move in the same direction at the same time. You have to be able to look at him with love and respect instead of loathing. No one can possibly be happy living with someone who abhors him. No one wants to feel attacked. If you want your marriage to work, you have to start by setting aside the anger and looking at your life with open eyes.
Good luck.
OP, JustJulia has given excellent advice, IMO.
JJ, thanks for sharing your story again.
Last edited by robee70; 06-29-2010 at 08:30 AM..
Reason: sp
I've read your three posts in this thread and am sorry you are going through this. Your words indicate that you are caught up in loathing and resentment for your husband. I am not blaming you for your husband's bad behavior, but I will caution you not to let this anger consume you. Two things in particular caught my eye:
Your second post said that your husband has "ballooned up to 240," while your third post made it sound like he was on a weight lifting regime. Is he obese or just very muscular (or both)? Did he fail in his plans to change his physique? If so, why? How did that affect him?
Your first post said that your husband "just complains and yells at [the children]," but your third post said that he was mellow and interacting with the kids at the time. I point this out because it's easy to allow anger to skew our perception. We only see what anger wants us to see and remember what anger wants us to remember. We say things like "You never" and "I always," when those things are not true.
My husband and I went through a few rough years. We were not nice to one another. I blamed him at the time and despised him for being a jerk to me, but I was a jerk too. I would wake him up in the morning to yell at him about something. I looked at him with contempt on my face and treated him like an enemy. The truth is that we were mean to one another, and it was a cycle that went around and around and around. That is a miserable way to live. You have to break the cycle or get out. We did break the cycle, and now we are happy and content with one another. No one who didn't know us when we were younger would know that we used to fight. We almost never squabble anymore about anything.
We went to counseling for a while. It cost a lot and didn't do jack for us. It just magnified how angry we were at one another. We stopped going. There's no one fix for everyone, though. Personal counseling might do you good--there's no reason to press your husband to go if he doesn't want to. It'll just be one more thing to fight about.
Our crisis came to an ugly head right before our 10th anniversary. I had had enough and told him I was leaving. I wasn't bluffing; I just needed time to figure out where to live and come up with a viable plan. I stopped picking fights with him and arguing about every little thing just so I could feel right. I let go of all of it, and the relief ... the relief was so good. If he tried to argue with me, I'd answer as briefly and blandly as I could and walk away. I wasn't rude (though I was cold) but I just stopped struggling and focused on myself and what the kids and I were going to do. Personal counseling can help with this, so you might give it a try.
My husband was confused at why I was acting differently, because he didn't believe me when I said I was leaving. Once he realized I meant it, he asked for another chance. We talked for a long time, just the two of us. I came to realize he needed love and comfort as much as I did. I was so wrapped up in MY feelings, MY needs, MY thoughts, what was happening to me me ME, that I had neglected him. He was going through some tough things and needed me too. By neglecting him, I neglected my marriage and my own happiness. That cycle I mentioned before--you can have bad energy going around and around, making things worse and worse, or you can have good energy making things better and better.
Not everybody comes back from that kind of anger. Your marriage may not be salvageable. I'd like to think so, but you and your husband have to be ready to move in the same direction at the same time. You have to be able to look at him with love and respect instead of loathing. No one can possibly be happy living with someone who abhors him. No one wants to feel attacked. If you want your marriage to work, you have to start by setting aside the anger and looking at your life with open eyes.
I don't think there is such a thing as "normal" as we all have different ways of handling relationships and different expectations and desires within it.
To me a successful relationship is based on honesty, trust and friendship and being matched in terms of ideals and general life philosophy. It sounds a little trite but I do believe this is true. But I also think a marriage is based on compromise , good communication and quite a bit of patience. It has to be a two way system because resentment is a true killer, and one ways have a way of finishing in "dead ends" in my opinion.
As human beings we all need to feel valued and appreciated , there is nothing worse than thinking the other is taking us for granted and not making an effort. Both sides need to come together and pull their weight, emotionally as well as domestically.
Who needs normal though , way over-rated.
I think we are brought up on the lie that one day our Prince Charming will come and all will be roses and honey when for the vast majority of human beings sharing a life with someone is actually hard work in many ways. You have to learn to live for someone without losing yourself in the process which can be a tough gig .
As long as the lines of genuinely open communications are open I believe you can achieve a happy relationship. Where the door is closed for whatever reasons then serious trouble start to occur, not least feeling left out. Resentment does kill love IMO. And resentment builds up unless you can clear the air in an adult dialogue. A monologue is never going to get you far.
Sometimes as painful as it is some people simply fall out of love and there is no point in carrying dead wood so to speak. I think most of us know ourselves far better than we think and only we can decide whether this is the case or not.
All relationships are different, as are all people , they evolve or stagnate in different ways for a myriad of reasons. Each unique in its own way , and only we can mend them or simply cut the ropes and let go.
I think if you haven't got a solid foundation to begin with though, the house of sand will gradually collapse under its own weight. Which is why I think too many people get married waytoo quickly.
Living with someone else requires quite a lot of give and take. Doing all the giving ( or the taking) is a one way ticket to marital oblivion.
The thing is over the last 4 years, he as become so intolerant and mean to everyone. He is constantly embarassing me in public by cursing and getting angry at our kids, but he doesn't realize how bad that looks to the outsider.
We are finally back in FL now, which will definately help me if we need to get a divorce. We met and married here, then moved to GA, but I never felt at home there.
I just don't understand why he thinks he is so much better than everyone else.
Oh, and today I mentioned that I might want our oldest son to join a soccer league and my husband's response was "That's gay. Seems fruity." I just can't believe this is the same man I married. I don't want him to turn our kids into some kind of sociopathic freaks. I wonder if he has some kind of mental disorder. I know it's not drugs or alcohol for sure. In fact, he doesn't drink, and he just passed a drug test at his job.
I'm very disappointed to say the least. It sure would be nice to have a man who asks how my day was or says nice things to me once in awhile. Instead, I have Mr. Ice Cold. I have a thick skin and am not a needy woman, but this is just ridiculous. He doesn't want to do anything, like go out, getting a cheap boat so we can enjoy the many lakes and rivers, go on vacation, etc. Has no sense of humor unless it is 3rd grade "bathroom" humor, or somehow has to do with making fun of older/ overweight women. He is also very short with me. Just today we got home and our son said he was thirsty but the water coooler was out of water. I asked my husband to bring in a bottle and he just sat at the computer. Meanwhile, our son was standing there. I asked again and husband said something like "When I am ready! I'm not going to take orders" Last night I brought in a bottle by myself when he was outside doing his weightlifting routine, but this time I figured he could give us a hand, and that is the response I get.
Reminds me of the time when our 2nd son was a few days old and I was nursing him in the chair. I asked my husband if he could get me a glass of water, and his response was "Ok this one time, but I'm not going to be your slave". How messed up is that? I really let him have it after that one. I mean her I am taking care of a newborn and a 2 year old, while breastfeeding (per his demand, no less) and he refuses to even change a diaper or get up at night like some husbands do. (my friend's husband for example, and when I told my husband that, his response was "And you believe that?" Ummm, yes I do. Why would my friend make up lies about how her husband helps out?
A lot of people do a total morph after kids, most for the better but not all.
One of the best parents I ever saw/knew was a single woman who divorced her rather ignorant loser impulse marriage at 20 husband right after the baby. She pretty much just concentrated on being a good parent till the child was around 5. She never took anyone home. She met a guy that she dated, carefully for awhile, then with slow increasing steadiness...she finally married him when her daughter was getting ready to graduate high school.
I'm one of those my parents stayed together but I sort of wished they hadn't. Hard to know what to do but don't get trapped into absolutes, except maybe, if you divorce, forget the new dad thing, too hard, potentially confusing/dangerous for the kids. I'm not saying it can't happen, if the perfect guy comes along great, but don't look for or rely on it. You need to be prepared to go it alone or stick it out.
I don't think I'm fat. I'm 5'7" and 128 lbs after 2 kids. I was 122 before and would like to get back to that. Meanwhile, hubby has ballooned from 180 to over 240 and now dresses in nothing but baggy camo shorts when we go out.
What it comes down to is he is a misogynist and I guess I didn't see it before. He blames his mother for ruining his life when she divorced his dad, but now I can see why she did so! Who wants to be married to someone who wants to do nothing but live in their own little world and criticize/ control everyone else? I feel like I might as well talk to the wall instead of to him.
He thinks calling women fat is funny. I made a huge deal out of it and he said "I can't help it if I have a sense of humor." He also says any woman over 40 who wears perfume has "old lady smell" whatever that is. Yeah, I know he sounds like a real winner, right?
I guess I have to figure out if I want to spend the rest of my life with someone who gives me no emotional support at all and just makes life more difficult in general for me. (not to mention embarassing. What if my son starts Pre-K this year and says something like G-D it! or worse???) How can a father not know this is highly inappropriate? The worst was the time when my then 3 year old called my mother a "f---ing *****" because he heard my husband say that to me. My husband says some very hurtful things sometimes which border on verbal abuse for sure. Why do I have to rationalize that and say it was only that one time? I pushed him over the edge? Etc. When I picture my friends and their husands, I don't see this happening to any of them!
When I suggested counseling, his reply of "That's absurd" tells all. He thinks that my feelings don't matter, that there is no problem at all, and that I'm being a typical woman. I don't want my sons to grow up doing these same things. My husband has become his own father - a man who never did anything with his kids, yelled and cursed all the time, and was prone to rage attacks. He always tells me he doesn't want to be like his dad, but here we are. Of course, he says I have become bitchy and naggy. Well, I guess that's what happens when you feel like you are doing everything, yet still have to endure getting called "selfish" and "mentally ill" by your own husband.
Am I out of line here? Will things get better? Do normal husbands yell at their kids "No talking when the TV is on?" and get very upset when their wife wants to tell them something if they happen to be reading something on the internet at that moment? For me, I would gladly turn off the TV or stop reading for a moment. Is that too much to ask???
Well you're not fat. That's an awesome weight after 2 kids. I have 3 kids and wish I was as thin as you. Anyways, my husband changed after the kids too. Kids create alot of stress in a marriage because there is hardly any time for each other. You can easily drift apart after kids.
The thing is over the last 4 years, he as become so intolerant and mean to everyone. He is constantly embarassing me in public by cursing and getting angry at our kids, but he doesn't realize how bad that looks to the outsider.
We are finally back in FL now, which will definately help me if we need to get a divorce. We met and married here, then moved to GA, but I never felt at home there.
I just don't understand why he thinks he is so much better than everyone else.
Oh, and today I mentioned that I might want our oldest son to join a soccer league and my husband's response was "That's gay. Seems fruity." I just can't believe this is the same man I married. I don't want him to turn our kids into some kind of sociopathic freaks. I wonder if he has some kind of mental disorder. I know it's not drugs or alcohol for sure. In fact, he doesn't drink, and he just passed a drug test at his job.
I'm very disappointed to say the least. It sure would be nice to have a man who asks how my day was or says nice things to me once in awhile. Instead, I have Mr. Ice Cold. I have a thick skin and am not a needy woman, but this is just ridiculous. He doesn't want to do anything, like go out, getting a cheap boat so we can enjoy the many lakes and rivers, go on vacation, etc. Has no sense of humor unless it is 3rd grade "bathroom" humor, or somehow has to do with making fun of older/ overweight women. He is also very short with me. Just today we got home and our son said he was thirsty but the water coooler was out of water. I asked my husband to bring in a bottle and he just sat at the computer. Meanwhile, our son was standing there. I asked again and husband said something like "When I am ready! I'm not going to take orders" Last night I brought in a bottle by myself when he was outside doing his weightlifting routine, but this time I figured he could give us a hand, and that is the response I get.
Reminds me of the time when our 2nd son was a few days old and I was nursing him in the chair. I asked my husband if he could get me a glass of water, and his response was "Ok this one time, but I'm not going to be your slave". How messed up is that? I really let him have it after that one. I mean her I am taking care of a newborn and a 2 year old, while breastfeeding (per his demand, no less) and he refuses to even change a diaper or get up at night like some husbands do. (my friend's husband for example, and when I told my husband that, his response was "And you believe that?" Ummm, yes I do. Why would my friend make up lies about how her husband helps out?
That's the thing he DOESN'T think he is better than everyone else. He is insecure because he is overweight and he points out overweight people to make himself feel better. Its true some men really do help their wives. My husabnd will help me ONLY IF I ask him repeatedly and by then I usually just end up doing it myself.
I have to tell you this: I am 60 yrs. old and I am so-o-o sorry that I was never able to get out my marriage. Every time I tried, there was death in the family, a sibling divorcing, my kids in transition...always something. And, I just didn't know how.
I recognize what you are saying. My husband is also intelligent, but a total jerk and disrespectful to older women, most older men and totally disconnected from children.
Now, in our--correction 'my,' (he can't) retirement, I am finding that he does not do anything. There is no hope. We live in nothingness. His greatest activity away from his retail business is mowing. We will never go anywhere. And, even after dark, if I want to sit out and watch the stars, he wants to mow or fiddle with an engine.
I am attractive. I have my own money--which he uses. You cannot imagine the sadness that you are headed for. I wish I had heeded the advice of an acquaintance who said it would take about 4 months to get over a divorce.
I also stayed because I could not bear to destabilize my children. They have done well, but somewhat disrespect me as they witness abuse and contempt.
I would say, help me, please. But, obviously, I have become an emotional cripple. My advice to you is to see someone who has divorced and ask them how they did it. The mechanics are what got me.
So.... why dont you leave now? This thread makes me so sad.
to the OP.. I hope you can find the strength to do what's best for YOU and the kids... them growing up in an environment as theyre in is no good... Theyre going to grow up to be just like him, and it'll be another vicious cycle. Im so sorry.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
This is child abuse in my book. Mind you, my husband is not a stupid man. In fact, he is very intelligent, but he just lives in his own little world. He is turning into his father more every day, and he always tells me stories about how bad his father was.
I am a well-educated, attractive woman. Should I try to find someone who will realize this or stay with a man who is becoming more unstable by the day? When I suggested we visit a marriage counselor, his response was "That's absurd." I have to make a huge deal to get him to stop saying bad things around our kids, and yet the other day he said to our oldest ""Jack" eat some G-D food!" right in front of other people in a restaurant. It is embarassing!!!
This thread makes me so sad.
