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I am in a rather complicated situation and could use some insight in handling it.
I live with my boyfriend and our two beautiful toddlers. We have a stable home and the kids are happy but my boyfriend & I have not had emotional/physical intimacy in several months. And for years, sex has been awkward whenever we managed it b/c I don't feel attracted to him any more.
We'd been together for about a year when I found out that a group he was heavily involved in was basically a cult. When I asked him about the controversy, he went ballistic. Thus began a years-long struggle to help him get out of the group; he was often angry & irrational & hostile, but I didn't give up. I fell into the role of rescuer/caretaker. I didn't want to, but there was no one else in his life willing to help him, and there was no way I was going to abandon him. He finally did leave the group, but then refused to acknowledge the fact that more than a decade of involvement in this group might have some lingering effects. So he was still frequently angry, irrational & hostile, and obsessive to boot -- even though on the other hand he was incredibly supportive. He is a good dad and he adores me, but our history has not been one of the close intimacy of equals.
It was bound to happen: I met someone at work six months ago & recently it dawned on me that I am incredibly attracted to him. I think he might feel similarly. When I realized this, I told my boyfriend what I realized: that I cannot and will not live without intimacy any more. That we have to either repair our relationship or move on.
Now that he finally realizes the stakes are so high, he is going ahead with work on his cult issues. I am really glad and hopeful for him. But sadly, I am not feeling inclined to work on our intimacy issues at all. Rather I want to feel free; my boyfriend's issues have been dominating my horizon for so long & now that he's getting ready to take better care of himself I want some serious time & space to myself! But I do not want to disrupt the lives of my two little ones. I don't want to move out necessarily, maybe just sleep in a different room... for now.
And I really would like to get to know my colleague better. I'd like to find out if there's anything real to this attraction I have for him or of it's just a fantasy. He's away for now & I won't see him till August. That gives me some time to sort some things out. I want to do the right thing for myself without causing any great harm to anyone else. But I would like to find a way to let him know the door is open to getting to know each other better...
I am in a rather complicated situation and could use some insight in handling it.
I live with my boyfriend and our two beautiful toddlers. We have a stable home and the kids are happy but my boyfriend & I have not had emotional/physical intimacy in several months. And for years, sex has been awkward whenever we managed it b/c I don't feel attracted to him any more.
We'd been together for about a year when I found out that a group he was heavily involved in was basically a cult. When I asked him about the controversy, he went ballistic. Thus began a years-long struggle to help him get out of the group; he was often angry & irrational & hostile, but I didn't give up. I fell into the role of rescuer/caretaker. I didn't want to, but there was no one else in his life willing to help him, and there was no way I was going to abandon him. He finally did leave the group, but then refused to acknowledge the fact that more than a decade of involvement in this group might have some lingering effects. So he was still frequently angry, irrational & hostile, and obsessive to boot -- even though on the other hand he was incredibly supportive. He is a good dad and he adores me, but our history has not been one of close intimacy.
It was bound to happen. I met someone at work six months ago & recently it dawned on me that I am incredibly attracted to him. I think he might feel similarly. When I realized this, I told my boyfriend what I now knew: that I cannot live without intimacy any more. That we have to either repair our relationship or move on. Now that he finally realizes the stakes are so high, he is going ahead with work on his cult issues. I am really glad and hopeful for him. But I am not feeling inclined to work on our intimacy issues at all. Rather I want to feel free; my boyfriend's issues have been dominating my horizon for so long & now that he's getting ready to take better care of himself I want some serious time & space to myself! But I do not want to disrupt the lives of my two little ones. I don't want to move out necessarily, maybe just sleep in a different room... for now And I really would like to get to know my colleague better. I'd like to find out if there's anything real to this attraction I have for him or of it's just a fantasy. He's away for now & I won't see him till August. That gives me some time to sort some things out. I want to do the right thing for myself without causing any great harm to anyone else
Thanks for any insights...
You know what your problem is? You are a superhero, not a girl. You've rescued this one, now you're on Bat patrol.
Well, at the moment the colleague is a fantasy, and looks good because anything looks good from your current situation. It would be a mistake to follow up on the fantasy until you resolve your existing relationship/living situation, IMO.
If you don't feel any attraction for your b/f, and don't feel any motivation to fix that situation, then you should face this squarely and move on, hard as that may be, especially with young children involved. Once you get your life in some semblance of order thereafter, that's the time to consider another relationship, IMO.
It seems you are a good person, so please don't become a cheater, however you may try to rationalize such a choice.
I am in a rather complicated situation and could use some insight in handling it.
I live with my boyfriend and our two beautiful toddlers. We have a stable home and the kids are happy but my boyfriend & I have not had emotional/physical intimacy in several months. And for years, sex has been awkward whenever we managed it b/c I don't feel attracted to him any more.
We'd been together for about a year when I found out that a group he was heavily involved in was basically a cult. When I asked him about the controversy, he went ballistic. Thus began a years-long struggle to help him get out of the group; he was often angry & irrational & hostile, but I didn't give up. I fell into the role of rescuer/caretaker. I didn't want to, but there was no one else in his life willing to help him, and there was no way I was going to abandon him. He finally did leave the group, but then refused to acknowledge the fact that more than a decade of involvement in this group might have some lingering effects. So he was still frequently angry, irrational & hostile, and obsessive to boot -- even though on the other hand he was incredibly supportive. He is a good dad and he adores me, but our history has not been one of the close intimacy of equals.
It was bound to happen: I met someone at work six months ago & recently it dawned on me that I am incredibly attracted to him. I think he might feel similarly. When I realized this, I told my boyfriend what I realized: that I cannot and will not live without intimacy any more. That we have to either repair our relationship or move on.
Now that he finally realizes the stakes are so high, he is going ahead with work on his cult issues. I am really glad and hopeful for him. But sadly, I am not feeling inclined to work on our intimacy issues at all. Rather I want to feel free; my boyfriend's issues have been dominating my horizon for so long & now that he's getting ready to take better care of himself I want some serious time & space to myself! But I do not want to disrupt the lives of my two little ones. I don't want to move out necessarily, maybe just sleep in a different room... for now.
And I really would like to get to know my colleague better. I'd like to find out if there's anything real to this attraction I have for him or of it's just a fantasy. He's away for now & I won't see him till August. That gives me some time to sort some things out. I want to do the right thing for myself without causing any great harm to anyone else. But I would like to find a way to let him know the door is open to getting to know each other better...
Thanks for any insights...
I can understand how you feel. A similar thing happened to me, minus the cult. My attraction for someone else was a catalyst--it made me realize that my marriage was going nowhere fast. I never acted on it, and I would advise you not to act on it either. For one thing, you want to get out of your relationship with your integrity and self-respect intact. For another, you might be projecting your desires onto him, and the reality will be far from it. For another, if something happens with him, do you really want to be that girl who cheats on the father of her children with a guy at the office? That's not a wise career move, and if your kids' father finds out, it can get ugly fast with respect to custody and visitation. Doesn't matter that you're not married. And most importantly, don't set that example for your children.
Did you notice how I said "you want to get out of your relationship with your integrity and self-respect intact?"
Right. Because where you did your man wrong was in telling him that you either have to repair your relationship or move on--and then when he wants to work on it, you announce here that you're not inclined to work on your issues. That is patently unfair and cruel to do to someone, I don't care what his issues are.
If you want out of the relationship, own up to it. But don't hang around and stay with him until you can "get something better." If you leave, leave to be on your own for a while. Don't show your children a woman bouncing around from man to man. That will cause problems for them, and not every man is worthy of their company.
You're a grown woman and a mother to two small kids. Act like it, and be responsible. They come first, not your crotch.
Don't start a new relationship out on the wrong foot or leave the one with the father of your kids on a bad note.
You have multiple logical reasons for not wanting to stay. Respect yourself, your kids, and your future by being mature about it. Don't play pretend or fantasy. If the relationship is over, its over. You should not need an outside party or interest to help you make that choice. You as a person has to for your own personal reasons alone. Not because something else looks better. Appearances are not always what they appear to be.
My mom was NurseNightingalewoman. She was an RN. She brought home a proverbial 3 legged puppy.
I remember looking at it on my couch. It was snoring away. I said to mom "what's this?"
"Ohhh that's Glen, he's a really nice guy."
"What did they do mom, have a dodgeball tournament and you got last pick?"
And she started to relate how this poor wonderful guy had just been beaten to near death by bad luck.
Does it have a job? No, he collects disability. Purrrrrrfect!
Mom, it just made a big noise, it's eyes rolled back in its head and collasped back on the couch!
He has seizures. Awesome!
How did you meet? He was at this dance all alone in the corner and I talked to him. So he's antisocial too? What a package! Whens the Wedding?
She did indeed marry "Glen"!
She supported him for 14 years until her death.
Ohh they fought a lot! Everytime it got real bad and she was going to leave him, he'd have some crisis. Almost died of Granmal Seizures strangely timed right as they were about to seperate! Glen treated my mom like crap the whole time. At one point his mom died and left him $110,000.00 My mom was excited because they could move out of HER crappy house and get a nicer one. "What are you talking about, this is MY money?" Was his responce.
It's 11 years later now, Glen seems healthy as a horse? He was dying the whole time he was married to my mom though???
Well, at the moment the colleague is a fantasy, and looks good because anything looks good from your current situation. It would be a mistake to follow up on the fantasy until you resolve your existing relationship/living situation, IMO.
If you don't feel any attraction for your b/f, and don't feel any motivation to fix that situation, then you should face this squarely and move on, hard as that may be, especially with young children involved. Once you get your life in some semblance of order thereafter, that's the time to consider another relationship, IMO.
It seems you are a good person, so please don't become a cheater, however you may try to rationalize such a choice.
Not only that, but once the guy at the office finds out she is living with another man and has two children with him, if he's smart, he's not going to bother. Too much hassle, too high a risk of her being unstable, and too great a chance of it all exploding into a theater for drama. Of course, if he's smart and devoid of ethics entirely, he might take her for a quick roll in the hay, but she will never be anything more than that to him. No man with half a brain will get into a relationship with a woman in that situation.
Optiflex - you're right: I totally have a hero complex. My BF is not as bad off as the 3-legged puppy, thank goodness, but I totally see your point. (I took in a crippled homeless pregnany kitty, BTW. She was actually a wonderful cat.) I have been asking my BF to get help for his issues but he waited till now to actually do it.
taoist dude & pitt - you're right, too. I need to deal with this situation before moving on. I just honestly don't know what will happen...
Avienne - thanks for the cold shower! Wait, no, more like a bucket of ice water dumped over my head! But seriously, I haven't told him I don't want to work on it... I just feel that way right now. We are in counseling & have been for some time. Guess I really want some breathing room. Like in your situation, the attraction has been a catalyst for change.
I love my BF dearly as a friend. And you know, I keep reading/hearing about how passion & attraction can be reignited and I'm actually freaked out by the thought of it. Just thinking about trying with my BF makes me feel panicked & trapped. And yet sometimes there are these little moments when I wonder if it could work. But then I feel panicky again and want to run away...
BTW my colleague is an ethics expert, and a really nice guy. Pretty ironic/fitting I'd pick an ethics expert to have a crush on in my situation.
Last edited by RKMH; 06-30-2010 at 10:27 AM..
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