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Old 07-08-2010, 10:01 AM
 
Location: NYC
7,366 posts, read 13,921,632 times
Reputation: 10359

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My question is for women, particularly aged 35+. (Although if any men feel they have a useful translation, I'd like to hear it.)

I've dipped my toe back into online dating, an easy free profile site. As most peole know, you have a lot of random conversations with people that don't go anywhere.

As of about a week ago I have been speaking with someone with whom I have had a pretty great conversation so far. Each message is about 5 paragraphs long, and I have enjoy talking with him. As it turns out we are incredibly compatible (in print anyway), far more so than other people I've talked to.

Since people aren't necessarily accurate in their profile, I realized I should confirm the basics. I asked a simple straightforward-but-casual question at the end of my last message: Even been married, have children (etc.. you know, the usual questions!)

Here is his response:
I have been legally married but it's complicated. I am both physically and emotionally separate from my ex and that is how it is going to stay. I am not secretive about it with people I trust, but I prefer not to discuss it in writing and I only explain it if asked. How about you?

I read this to mean that he is still married but separated, and that there is something unusual and off putting going on. (The message went on and was interesting, discussions about other things.)

My first thought was to say thanks but no thanks and move on. I don't want to be a married-but-legitimately separated man's security blankie... been there, done that, and the end was so abrupt and emotionally draining I found it brutal.

But then again, I don't want to be too hasty. I guess I am opening this up to the floor to ensure I am not missing something, some sort of legit explanation. I read his message as saying he only wants to explain it if we progress far enough that we actually start going out. But my feeling is, I don't want to waste my time or get emotionally invested in something that my instinct tells me is a losing situation.

So? Would you cut your losses and move on? Do you have a brilliant way of responding to get him to clarify? Would you just ignore it for now?
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Old 07-08-2010, 10:18 AM
 
Location: Southern Illinois
10,369 posts, read 19,447,800 times
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Quote:
I have been legally married but it's complicated. I am both physically and emotionally separate from my ex
It's possible that he's not even separated. I dated a man last year who said pretty much the same thing and I assumed it meant that he was separated, but what it actually meant was that he was still married and living in the same house, but that they had separate bedrooms. Needless to say, I called it off, but he was emotionally attached to me still and kept contacting me for several months after it was over. I didn't feel a bit sorry for him though since he was dishonest to begin with.

Yes, I would run from this--if he was actually divorced, he'd be able to say so w/o such a convoluted answer that's most likely meant to mislead. Oh yeah, and when people say it's complicated, what they really mean is that they have no wish to explain.
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Old 07-08-2010, 10:37 AM
 
Location: NYC
7,366 posts, read 13,921,632 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stepka View Post
It's possible that he's not even separated. I dated a man last year who said pretty much the same thing and I assumed it meant that he was separated, but what it actually meant was that he was still married and living in the same house, but that they had separate bedrooms. Needless to say, I called it off, but he was emotionally attached to me still and kept contacting me for several months after it was over. I didn't feel a bit sorry for him though since he was dishonest to begin with.

Yes, I would run from this--if he was actually divorced, he'd be able to say so w/o such a convoluted answer that's most likely meant to mislead. Oh yeah, and when people say it's complicated, what they really mean is that they have no wish to explain.
Wow, how many times did you date this guy until the truth came out? Unbelievable.

What a sorry state that when a person lists himself as "single" one still has to ask about marital status.

And good point about how this is likely a convoluted answer intended to downplay what is really going on.
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Old 07-08-2010, 10:45 AM
Ep-
 
2,074 posts, read 3,941,875 times
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ask for more details

if he doesnt want to talk about it go elsehwere
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Old 07-08-2010, 10:58 AM
 
26 posts, read 35,082 times
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I find it strange that he was honest enough to give you a convoluted answer, as convoluted as that answer may have been. A real player would have painted a rosier picture.

Still, a real player is also a great actor, and not a guy you would ever label as such, at least not without the gift of hindsight.

Ultimately, the risk/reward ratio is probably too high. I would move on.
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Old 07-08-2010, 11:06 AM
 
Location: Tucson
42,835 posts, read 84,083,056 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stepka View Post
It's possible that he's not even separated. I dated a man last year who said pretty much the same thing and I assumed it meant that he was separated, but what it actually meant was that he was still married and living in the same house, but that they had separate bedrooms.
I think that's exactly what that careful wording means.
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Old 07-08-2010, 11:12 AM
 
Location: Simmering in DFW
6,952 posts, read 21,417,517 times
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I think he's still married and is trying to hook you in with a long email courtship. I suggest you avoid that trap. Before I married my husband I did online dating for about 2 years. After a time it worked best for me not to get into long email courtships b/c so much of what is written has "spin" and I think vibes still work best. One thing that occurred early on: we were emailing daily long, long satisfying emails. He never could seem to work out a time/place and finally after about 3 weeks of daily emails and conversation on the phone we had a meeting set. About 3 hours before our meeting I received a very long email that explained how, about 30 years prior while home on leave from boot camp he was involved in a car accident that severed his spine and he was now disabled. He said he would show up anyway and if I came great, if not he'd understand. I did show up. I had and have a lot of empathy for this guy's situation. He was a paraplegic in an electric wheelchair. After that experience I made the decision that I would never do more than 3 emails, with the 3rd email's purpose to determine where we were meeting for coffee or a sno-cone. I think long email courtships set up false expectations and so much of any relationship is the "chemistry" anyway. May as well jump in and let your vibes do some work early on.
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Old 07-08-2010, 11:17 AM
 
2,133 posts, read 5,560,955 times
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It sounds like he is still, and will remain, married.

If you want a casual, "other woman" relationship then go for it. If you want a chance at a relationship that might eventually lead to marriage, it's time to say good-bye to the married man and look ahead to someone else.
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Old 07-08-2010, 11:18 AM
 
Location: Tucson
42,835 posts, read 84,083,056 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BacktoNE View Post
It sounds like he is still, and will remain, married.
Yes! I forgot to add this.
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Old 07-08-2010, 11:24 AM
 
Location: NYC
7,366 posts, read 13,921,632 times
Reputation: 10359
The more I think about it, the more I think you folks are right, this is probably a "separated but in the same house" situation.

I totally agree about the long email courtships; I have definitely wasted time in the past. We started talking while I was out of town on business, so that's why there's been so much emailing.

I am thinking I will write him something along the lines of: Its a shame your personal life is complicated as I have enjoyed our email exchanges. However, I am looking to meet someone whose personal situation is settled without complications. Best of luck, feel free to get in touch if your situation changes and settles.

Thoughts?
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