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As you can probably tell from so many of my posts, I don't have much of a grasp on how rational my emotions are. I usually overreact so it's helpful for me to find an impartial audience to kick my butt in line or assure me that my feelings are understandable.
You might also know that I have serious parent issues. I'm pretty sure that my mom has narcissistic personality disorder & borderline personality disorder. I don't really know my dad, last year I started living with him but before that the most I saw him was a weekend every other month. So we're distant. Anyway, today I had an extremely frustrating conversation with my mother and I'd like to get your take on it.
I was calling her to discuss my cat, Kimber. She said that it was my cat so I should fund any necessary medical concerns. Ok, whatever. Then in passing I made a comment that Kimber was hardly even my cat because I don't really see her anymore. My mother got extremely defensive and said that she only got a cat because of me (when I was in middle school I asked her for a cat) and that she was so in debt because of this cat but it was worth it because she loves her. She said that it wasn't fair that she still pays for food and litter when it's MY cat. I've told her repeatedly that my dad is allergic so Kimber can't live with us, and although I was hoping to be able to, I don't really have the money to get my own apartment anytime soon.
She then said she understood and that it was actually my dad's fault that she can't afford anything because when he was laid off a year and a half ago, he couldn't continue paying child support. So that's my mom's excuse for still calling him and asking for money and favors, even though my younger brother is almost 19 and my dad has more than paid what he 'owes' her. And she's a total beyotch to him - never speaks to him beyond "I need money" or "I need a favor."
She's been talking about getting a second job for over a year now but won't get anything that pays 8.00 an hour or below because 'it's not worth it' to work somewhere like that. Oh and she's above most kinds of work that she finds available.
I was so fed up I finally said "so it's my fault you have to pay money to help Kimber and it's dad's fault that you don't have money for your bills. Are you noticing a pattern?!" She replied with "Are YOU noticing a pattern? I'm too nice!"
I'm just so frustrated and I don't know what to do. I've had a really long day, not much sleep, so it could just be stress. But I just feel like a crazy person sometimes. My feelings are constantly devalued, I just don't know what to do! >_< I made the mistake of calling her at work and then had a breakdown in the bathroom. Thank God there weren't any guests around. Sigh. Can anyone relate? Or offer advice? Or tell me that I'm a spoiled brat? Or that I have a crazy mother? Anything will do, I just need some type of input.
Oh and now I'm not going there tonight to give my cat her pill because my mom wants to go to sleep early. Soo she said my cat was dying but she can't be bothered to let me into her house when I'm off of work? ARGH! I think I'm going to check into a nuthouse.
May I ask how old you are? Just for the sake of context.
From what you've described your mom sounds a tad dysfunctional. BUT, you can't control that.
You can control you and your reaction to things. Maybe not fair, but it is in your own best interest. Thus the reason I asked your age - this is something your learn more as you get older.
Trying to reason with someone who is irrational is... to quote Anthrax... like trying to clap with one hand. It ain't going to work.
You can state "this is what I can do" or "this is what I'm going to do", "acceptable or not"? That's the bottom line.
I think this is a lot harder because it is a parent and the emotional involvement can interfere.
You will run into a lot of PITA people in your life. The goal is to make sure they don't make you nutty too, or when you can, just remove them.
I turned 20 in May. Thank you for the kindness. I'm anticipating a lot of flames for that exact reason - it's my mom and I'm supposed to love her unconditionally, blahblahblah. I'm just so tired of this and I'm so upset. She was nice to me for the past week (although we only talked a couple of days) and now she's being a witch again. It's an exhausting process going back and forth all the time.
You're right. I need to work on how I deal with this. I just don't know what to do. I can't afford to see a therapist right now, although I would really like to do so in the future. I try to be impartial, try to reason with myself, try to rationalize her insanity, but I just can't. I always look at situations to see if it's my problem and I'm usually pretty good at convincing myself that it's my fault but this has just gotten progressively more ridiculous. I can't keep accepting blame for things like this. She was going on and on to me about how my poor cat is dying - my mom was CRYING on the phone - so I was going to come over tonight to give Kimber her pill, but now my mom is too tired so she's going to sleep and I have to come over in the morning?? Wtf?
Ok from one chica who had a messed up mother to another...
Sure love her unconditionally. That doesn't mean you have to put up with anything. Not everyone is blessed with good parents - just think of all the worse parent there are than yours. /lol
My sister and I joke that with how we were raised it's amazing we turned out as normal as we did. We both learned that humor at the situation was our best weapon. But, I've had over 20 more years to come to that point.
You have to be fair with yourself. If it's your fault, than ok, fix that. If it's not then let it go (yeah, easier said than done ). It sounds like your mom is emotionally toying with you. The cat is DYING, but I'm going to sleep so you can't do anything. Recognize is for what it is. What she did is not nice (not nice in my book is a HUGE thing), she knows it will hurt you. She did it on purpose. This is behaviour of an unhappy person, who wants others to be unhappy.
I'm sorry you have to go through this, you sound like a nice person.
I actually laughed when she said that she was too nice. I had to cover the phone because I didn't want her to hear me. I try to use humor but obviously I'm not that great at it. Thank you for your support, it means the world to me. That's another reason I feel so awful for feeling awful...how many people had parents who beat them or starved them? She only hurt me emotionally, I feel like such a weak person for letting this bother me.
I'll probably go back to school this fall. If I get enough financial aid I could maybe afford my own place. If I can keep Kimber safe until then I could bring her with me. I hope, I hope, I hope.
I actually laughed when she said that she was too nice. I had to cover the phone because I didn't want her to hear me. I try to use humor but obviously I'm not that great at it. Thank you for your support, it means the world to me. That's another reason I feel so awful for feeling awful...how many people had parents who beat them or starved them? She only hurt me emotionally, I feel like such a weak person for letting this bother me.
I'll probably go back to school this fall. If I get enough financial aid I could maybe afford my own place. If I can keep Kimber safe until then I could bring her with me. I hope, I hope, I hope.
Yeah, your mom is not a crack *****, didn't beat you, and no sexual abuse. All pluses.
But don't discount the effect of emotional abuse. That's a huge thing. Parents are supposed to nurture and support their children. When they don't you have to find an alternative. Whether it's turning towards yourself, or other adult figures. Your responsibility is to make sure you grow and develop into a strong, emotionally mature adult. DO NOT give someone the power to take that away from you, your future happiness depends upon this.
I turned 20 in May. Thank you for the kindness. I'm anticipating a lot of flames for that exact reason - it's my mom and I'm supposed to love her unconditionally, blahblahblah. I'm just so tired of this and I'm so upset. She was nice to me for the past week (although we only talked a couple of days) and now she's being a witch again. It's an exhausting process going back and forth all the time.
You're right. I need to work on how I deal with this. I just don't know what to do. I can't afford to see a therapist right now, although I would really like to do so in the future. I try to be impartial, try to reason with myself, try to rationalize her insanity, but I just can't. I always look at situations to see if it's my problem and I'm usually pretty good at convincing myself that it's my fault but this has just gotten progressively more ridiculous. I can't keep accepting blame for things like this. She was going on and on to me about how my poor cat is dying - my mom was CRYING on the phone - so I was going to come over tonight to give Kimber her pill, but now my mom is too tired so she's going to sleep and I have to come over in the morning?? Wtf?
I think when you are young and impressionable you can fall into the traps of riding the emotional waves of other people and part of becoming an adult is learning how to establish boundaries with people in your life and setting limits.
The deal with the cat I guess comes down to who really wanted the cat. If you did, you now need to own up to it and take responsibility somehow for it. Your concerns and issues that your mother has are not unreasonable regarding the cat.
Back when my sister was in elementary school, a stray kitten ended up in a tree in our yard. My sister insisted on having it, but my dad said to her when she left the home for good, the cat would go to. 15 YEARS LATER, sure enough when she moved out for good and got married the cat went with her.
This thread piqued my interest because my daughter begged me for a cat a few years ago and in a weak moment I allowed her to have one (against my better judgment) with the agreement that she would care for it. Then she grew up and left for college so I assumed the responsibilities, naturally.
She graduated college at about the same time that I was selling my home and relocating off the continent. A similar issue of cat custody was debated for months. She still wasn't able to care for it (summer internship, renting a room) and I do not think it was in the best interest of the cat to subject it to a quarantine and overseas flight.
I suggested finding another home for the cat and my daughter finally sweet-talked her father (my ex) into adopting her.
I actually laughed when she said that she was too nice. I had to cover the phone because I didn't want her to hear me. I try to use humor but obviously I'm not that great at it. Thank you for your support, it means the world to me. That's another reason I feel so awful for feeling awful...how many people had parents who beat them or starved them? She only hurt me emotionally, I feel like such a weak person for letting this bother me.
I'll probably go back to school this fall. If I get enough financial aid I could maybe afford my own place. If I can keep Kimber safe until then I could bring her with me. I hope, I hope, I hope.
Having your mother placing guilt on you just so she can feel better herself - or make you feel worse like her - must be tough. Not a mature thing to do at all. Don't feel bad about this affecting you, it is a substantial thing to get through.
All I can give for advice is that you find another home for the cat - perhaps a friend wouldn't mind? Tell your mom that she's right - you can't expect her to take care of your cat so you're taking her out of there, and don't fuss about it - just a quick stop and go. Love your mother unconditionally if it comes naturally to you, but don't allow her to guilt you over silly things.
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). It sounds like your mom is emotionally toying with you. The cat is DYING, but I'm going to sleep so you can't do anything. Recognize is for what it is. What she did is not nice (not nice in my book is a HUGE thing), she knows it will hurt you. She did it on purpose. This is behaviour of an unhappy person, who wants others to be unhappy.
