Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Okay so I'm a 26-year old Frenchman living in the U.S. for almost two years now. I'm holding a kinda big position in an American subsidiary of a French multinational firm headquartered in New York. I met my current girlfriend (actually she's even my fiancée now!) last year at NYC's Bastille Day block party – so it was less than a year ago. Yeah I know it looks like a coincidence such as only happen in books or in movies, but it really happened. She was there, beautifully walking on 60th street with several girlfriends. It was love at first sight (for my part ). I don't precisely remember how I approached her but I guess it doesn't really matters I tell you that. Anyway, her group of friends fortunately decided to let her alone with me and to go hanging around up in the street. So then we started chatting and we shared a crepe for dessert. Our conversation was amazing as the language barrier immediately fell. I couldn’t stop glancing at her, I was wide-eyed and I understood at once I was falling in love with her. During our discussion, I rapidly learned that her name was Megan. At that time, she was 24 and still a student. Then we gave each other our contact details so we can get in touch.
We flirted for roughly one week before we started dating. It took us only a few weeks to get to know each other very well. I assume it went as fast because the Big Apple is a so romantic city as well as very pleasant to live. Moreover, she was such different from the other girls I had known before I moved to the United States. It’s hard to find the words to describe it, but I can say that I had never had this kind of feelings for someone. So last summer we spent a lot of time together, hanging out with each other in the grass of Central Park or partying together with new common friends. It was my best summer ever, just amazing. Megan was always like “you know…that you’re an awesome person Ed” but at that moment she didn’t tell me “I love you” yet (me neither). But that was not what made me the most frustrated. The fact is that at the end of august (i.e. more than a month after I met her) there has been nothing further than kissing. I tried several times to excite her when we were in her flat, but each time she violently pushed me back from her. I was really disconcerted and I wonder if I had done anything bad. I even suspected her of having been raped when she was a child. But I feared to ask her about that, it was such a delicate issue to talk about. Eventually I decided to keep silent and just wait .
In the following months she explained me that she was a practicing Christian and that she has promised her family (particularly her father who is a pastor) to remain virgin until marriage. Because I knew I was in love with her and that I didn’t want to let her go, I respected her choice and resigned myself to a sexless relationship. But quickly, in early fall if I remember well, I asked her to get engaged to me. Hopefully, Megan replied yes.
Now I plan to ask her hand in marriage when we are in Paris for this summer vacation. Our flight to Paris takes off from JFK on Sunday. Then I hope I could ask her the famous question “Do you want to marry me?” just before the Eiffel Tower and obviously that she’ll reply me positively.
However, my mind remains kinda befuddled as I got real doubts about the future of our love story. She’s an amazing woman, strong and brilliant, very kind hearted and all, but how to be sure she’s the one? We have a nice time together, indeed the past year has probably been one of the most exciting of my entire life. But at the present tense, I’m wondering about certain things. I’m trying to find out if we are suffering from cultural misunderstandings and if our story is really meant to be. Does she is into me? Do I? Are we ready to get married?
Could an international marriage be strong and sustainable? What about children in case of divorce? All that really gives me the chills. I admit I’m freaking out .
Does anyone have encountered my situation? Actually anyone who can help would be awesome...But preferably someone who knows about French-American marriages (and international marriages in general). Thank you in advance.
Now I plan to ask her hand in marriage when we are in Paris for this summer vacation. Our flight to Paris takes off from JFK on Sunday. Then I hope I could ask her the famous question “Do you want to marry me?” just before the Eiffel Tower and obviously that she’ll reply me positively.
However, my mind remains kinda befuddled as I got real doubts about the future of our love story.
If you have real doubts, why would you ask her to marry you? Marriage is one of those things you have to be sure about for it to have a chance.
Your gut is talking to you. I suggest that you listen to it.
I am an American and I lived in Grenoble for 5 years while attending university so I have some of the perspective you are seeking. Keep in mind I'm much older than you though. BTW, I loved my time in France and go back every chance I get.
The biggest doubt I have about your relationship is it's lack of sexuality. Yes, everyone promises mom and dad they won't have sex. But it's amazing this 'beautiful' woman has actually held on to her virginity until 24. Either she is very immature or her ultra religious(another red flag) family has her pretty convinced sex is a bad thing. Her views seem very jejune and midwestern small town. I wonder if you have met her parents and seen for yourself?
Most of the French men I have known are quite sensual and sexual. They require their partners to be those things also. If sex is not all that appealing to her, are you willing to accept this for a lifetime? Have you had frank discussions about what you will expect from her sexually? Does she know what constitutes a good sexual relationship to you? Have you exchanged ideas on this subject?
I am sensing a real cultural mismatch here. But I could be wrong so here's my best advice. Back off on the marriage thing and get to know her and her family a lot better. Look at her parents marriage and that's probably what yours will be like X years down the road. Take your time and don't rush into this. You are both still young and if it doesn't last, it was never meant to be.
^ agree 100%...I was a bystander in a Franco/American dating disaster recently, but the genders were opposite. American guy, french girl. They slept together their first date and then she was pushing for him to meet her parents, go on a vacation to France etc... and he freaked out, then bailed.
Neither person was wrong or bad, they just had completely different expectations of where the relationship was going and how quickly.
I would NOT ask her to marry you, until after the trip and after clearing the air regarding the sex aspect. 24 is pretty old for maintaining her virginity, just to please her parents.
you said y'all are engaged, but you haven't asked her to marry you? how does this work?
anyway, good luck to you, but something sounds off. i can't imagine what variety of awful it must be, to be in a sexless courtship. i wonder if that isn't clouding your judgement, putting pressure on you to marry a girl you've known for less than a year.
I had a good friend who married and about 25 years later, divorced her French husband. And I wouldn't recommend the union.
First, once you get married, do you plan to live in the US? Do you have plans to eventually go back to France to raise a family? Are you Catholic? And how close are you to your family, particularly your mother?
With my friend, in the beginning, it was very romantic. And when they discussed where to live, he agreed to live in the US with her, but wanted her to try living in Paris where he would be near his family. Then, once they lived in Paris, there was a constant barrage of requests from his mother for them to have dinner with the family. Not just once a week, but almost daily invitations. And when my friend wanted to stay in their apartment having dinner instead, her husband would tell his mother that it was his wife that preferred to stay home.
My friend eventually raised three very fine sons. But she wasn't just a stay at home mother. She was very fluent in French and would teach English and literature at one of the local schools. But she missed her friends and family in the US. Later on, when she requested that they return to the US to live, her husband didn't want to since he had an established career in Paris. As for her new friends, some were French, but many were other ex patriot American women who were married to Frenchmen. When my friend finally filed for divorce, her French friends told her that her MIL had won. She also found out that her husband wasn't completely honest about his connections to his family's business. He had told her that he wasn't part of it, but in fact he had been a board member all along.
And here's why I don't recommend this sort of situation to most women. It's all too easy to become immersed in French life in the beginning. Women have a tendency to look out for their husband and children's needs before their own. I heard stories (and also met an older woman from the UK) who once they reached middle age, felt trapped and very lonely in France. One woman's husband left her for a younger woman, a French woman. But even with their marriages somewhat intact, they hadn't made enough of an effort to keep in touch with their US family and friends. So they missed the US, but felt they no longer had a home base to return to as some of their old contacts had died or scattered around the US. Also, most of them (not my friend) felt financially unable to return to the US (or the UK) to live.
Anyway, before you propose to her, you should have a serious discussion with her comparing long range life goals. You have a lovely romance going so far, but perhaps it may not turn into a fairy tale marriage. And if you do get married and go back to France to live, make sure, even insist that she return to the US every year for at least a month in order to maintain her bonds to her American friends and her family. Don't isolate her in France.
I would talk to her and see how she really feels about sex. I know a young lady who is saving herself for her husband, it is her religious belief.. It may not be mine or anyone else's belief but I admire her for sticking to her beliefs.
Honestly no one knows how sex is going to be after you are married.
I have to agree , if you feel there is something wrong then I would listen to that feeling.
The biggest doubt I have about your relationship is it's lack of sexuality. Yes, everyone promises mom and dad they won't have sex. But it's amazing this 'beautiful' woman has actually held on to her virginity until 24. Either she is very immature or her ultra religious(another red flag) family has her pretty convinced sex is a bad thing. Her views seem very jejune and midwestern small town. I wonder if you have met her parents and seen for yourself?
I haven't met her parents yet, but I know she wish. They live somewhere in Wyoming. She told me they're baptist or something like that (maybe I'm wrong). Actually I don't know if she's really a virgin...I got doubts about that too. I don't know why, but she doesn't look like someone who is waiting until marriage. She dresses down and doesn't wear any purity ring. When it's hot she used to wear tank tops and Daisy Dukes. That was not the image I had of an ultra religious girl.
Most of the French men I have known are quite sensual and sexual. They require their partners to be those things also. If sex is not all that appealing to her, are you willing to accept this for a lifetime? Have you had frank discussions about what you will expect from her sexually? Does she know what constitutes a good sexual relationship to you? Have you exchanged ideas on this subject?
Well I'm not sure that there is really an archetype of French men, but I would say that I need a balanced relationship - with romantism and sex of course. But we haven't spoken much about it. This is a tough question to tackle, I don't know how to do.
I am sensing a real cultural mismatch here. But I could be wrong so here's my best advice. Back off on the marriage thing and get to know her and her family a lot better. Look at her parents marriage and that's probably what yours will be like X years down the road. Take your time and don't rush into this. You are both still young and if it doesn't last, it was never meant to be.
It seems that the cultural mismatch is not based on the opposition of our nationalities but much more on our religious views and our conceptions of love and life. Personally, I'm not practicing but from a Christian Catholic background. I don't know if it means I'm more open-minded about sexuality...
Quote:
Originally Posted by le roi
you said y'all are engaged, but you haven't asked her to marry you? how does this work?
Hum this is maybe another cultural difference... In France, the engagement is the period preceding the proposal of marriage and it can last a long time.According to me, being engaged doesn't necessarily mean that you asked her to marry you. It's a kind of promise in which you say that you could ask her hand in marriage later.
Quote:
Originally Posted by miu
I had a good friend who married and about 25 years later, divorced her French husband. And I wouldn't recommend the union.
First, once you get married, do you plan to live in the US? Do you have plans to eventually go back to France to raise a family? Are you Catholic? And how close are you to your family, particularly your mother?
With my friend, in the beginning, it was very romantic. And when they discussed where to live, he agreed to live in the US with her, but wanted her to try living in Paris where he would be near his family. Then, once they lived in Paris, there was a constant barrage of requests from his mother for them to have dinner with the family. Not just once a week, but almost daily invitations. And when my friend wanted to stay in their apartment having dinner instead, her husband would tell his mother that it was his wife that preferred to stay home.
My friend eventually raised three very fine sons. But she wasn't just a stay at home mother. She was very fluent in French and would teach English and literature at one of the local schools. But she missed her friends and family in the US. Later on, when she requested that they return to the US to live, her husband didn't want to since he had an established career in Paris. As for her new friends, some were French, but many were other ex patriot American women who were married to Frenchmen. When my friend finally filed for divorce, her French friends told her that her MIL had won. She also found out that her husband wasn't completely honest about his connections to his family's business. He had told her that he wasn't part of it, but in fact he had been a board member all along.
And here's why I don't recommend this sort of situation to most women. It's all too easy to become immersed in French life in the beginning. Women have a tendency to look out for their husband and children's needs before their own. I heard stories (and also met an older woman from the UK) who once they reached middle age, felt trapped and very lonely in France. One woman's husband left her for a younger woman, a French woman. But even with their marriages somewhat intact, they hadn't made enough of an effort to keep in touch with their US family and friends. So they missed the US, but felt they no longer had a home base to return to as some of their old contacts had died or scattered around the US. Also, most of them (not my friend) felt financially unable to return to the US (or the UK) to live.
Anyway, before you propose to her, you should have a serious discussion with her comparing long range life goals. You have a lovely romance going so far, but perhaps it may not turn into a fairy tale marriage. And if you do get married and go back to France to live, make sure, even insist that she return to the US every year for at least a month in order to maintain her bonds to her American friends and her family. Don't isolate her in France.
For the moment, it's clear that I enjoy my job here in New York. But we live in a globalized world and I work for a really huge company operating all over the world so I just can't guarantee I could live in the U.S. for a lifetime. She already knows that and doesn't seem reluctant to leave her country and travel the world, discover new horizons and so on. I would say it's not something annoying at the present time. Indeed she already lives for years far away from her family and it looks like she doesn't really suffer from this distance. Over the years, she probably became used to this kind of distant relationship with her family.
Indeed she already lives for years far away from her family and it looks like she doesn't really suffer from this distance. Over the years, she probably became used to this kind of distant relationship with her family.
How interesting that she has a geographically distant relationship with her family, yet she is adamant about honoring her father's wishes that she remain a virgin until marriage. Especially since she lives in NYC and is in no rush to get married. She may not be a very sexually oriented woman.
So if you marry her and she is a dud in bed, would you be able to accept that?
Hum this is maybe another cultural difference... In France, the engagement is the period preceding the proposal of marriage and it can last a long time.According to me, being engaged doesn't necessarily mean that you asked her to marry you. It's a kind of promise in which you say that you could ask her hand in marriage later.
Yes, this is definately a cultural difference. To be considered engaged in the US, a man would propose to a women, usually giving her an engagement ring at that time. Maybe you would not set a firm date for the wedding, but being engaged here means you have asked her to marry you and she has accepted.
Regarding the sex issue, I would submitt that if you two are not close enough to talk openly about sex, you are no where near ready to get married.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
). I don't precisely remember how I approached her but I guess it doesn't really matters I tell you that. Anyway, her group of friends fortunately decided to let her alone with me and to go hanging around up in the street. So then we started chatting and we shared a crepe for dessert. Our conversation was amazing as the language barrier immediately fell. I couldn’t stop glancing at her, I was wide-eyed and I understood at once I was falling in love with her. During our discussion, I rapidly learned that her name was Megan. At that time, she was 24 and still a student. Then we gave each other our contact details so we can get in touch. 
. 
I’m trying to find out if we are suffering from cultural misunderstandings and if our story is really meant to be. Does she is into me? Do I? Are we ready to get married? 
.
Hum this is maybe another cultural difference...
