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A friend of mine put it rather well the other day: "Marriage is to suggest to yourself self-deprivation and contractually agreed upon pain for the first 40 years in order to have someone to talk to for the last 10". This man is a genius. Truth dead center.
The reality is that the best indication of someone's love and care for another is the voluntary choice of spending time with that person. You want to be with somebody because you want to, not because you are contractually forced to. Marriage is an outdated institution, and I say that as a married person. I would have gladly remained unmarried; damned societal expectations that make women press for constructs that don't make you love somebody any better.
Right on, I am so proud of being single and not having any kids, I think it was the smartest decision I could have made.
Selfish to me are these losers, walking messes who end up having 3, 4 children and can't even take care of themselves. I wonder what kind of future these children are going to have!
You are absolutely right about crappy parents, I would say 80% have no idea what they are doing, I guess, I take pride in not being a dumbass, like most parents out there.
I'm not against being married or a parent. The problem is finding the right woman. In today's dating world of Generation Y, it's like winning the lottery. Everyone thinks they deserve the Mr. Perfect and if you have one single flaw, you're not worth it to them (Usually aren't perfect themselves). Or they fall for vanity and it turns up to be a problem later on when those things becomes less important.
Someone who you mesh with so well and is understanding. If I ever decided to have a kid, the big thing I would ask her before we even got serious is what kind of parent would she be and what kind parenting style would she have. How would you balance the marriage and parenting?
I've noticed in a lot of cases that parents don't parent as a team and the married parents seem to forget they have a spouse. They don't take time for their relationship. When the kids are grown up and off to college, they're stuck with a stranger and might have strayed.
If I ever decided to have a kid, the big thing I would ask her before we even got serious is what kind of parent would she be and what kind parenting style would she have. How would you balance the marriage and parenting?
I've noticed in a lot of cases that parents don't parent as a team and the married parents seem to forget they have a spouse. They don't take time for their relationship. When the kids are grown up and off to college, they're stuck with a stranger and might have strayed.
As far as being a parent.. oh boy that takes a lot of time, energy and patience. I imagine my concern would be my parenting style as well as teachings. What if it's not good enough and you're seen as a failure in that area? Being too strict or too soft and they'll probably complain either way. I'm not risking that...
But don't think marriage has to always include parenting. I love the idea of someday settling down but doesn't mean I have to raise herds..
As far as being a parent.. oh boy that takes a lot of time, energy and patience. I imagine my concern would be my parenting style as well as teachings. What if it's not good enough and you're seen as a failure in that area? Being too strict or too soft and they'll probably complain either way. I'm not risking that...
But don't think marriage has to always include parenting. I love the idea of someday settling down but doesn't mean I have to raise herds..
It's tough.
I agree with you on the marriage=parenting. However, it seems that way a lot of times.
And that's really the only thing left going for the institution of marriage. I know people say " don't stay together for the kids" but that's about the only thing marriage got left. Outside that, it's a failure culturally speaking.
Sociologically speaking, it is also relevant to recognize the technological and cultural shifts that have occurred in the last millennia. Internet dating, cell phones, day care centers, blurred gender roles as it relates to occupational trends; all these inputs have rendered the utility of the institution of marriage as a somewhat anachronistic left-over from the times of tribal societies. When the men had to go hunt and defend the perimeter, naturally they couldn't tag the kid along in their backs as it would get injured and/or not survive the day's stretch out in the elements. Therefore it was essential that the women stayed together and nursed the kids in the shelters. Marriages eventually ensured this social contract was recognized by the rest of society, effectively making it political policy of the tribe in order to assure compliance for the betterment of everybody. If people opted out you left the whole society exposed, like a bomber formation without its wing and trailing elements.
Fast forward to the age of living vicariously through the visual representation of electrical pulses of zeros and ones sent through light-reflecting fibers (aka today) and none of those constructs generally hold true anymore. Which is why a childless marriage it really is the least sensical when viewed by this metric. At least with kids you have a justification for the self-deprivation and inherent challenges of striving to provide a stationary environment for the children to grow under in what is otherwise an admittedly moving target (life).
The reality of the matter is that just like my friend said, marriages should be automatically null and void upon completion of the raising of the children, by default. If they wish to continue as married coupled they can renew their "membership", otherwise they're free to go forth and pursue their right to find happiness. No kids, no marriage for you, you stay day by day. You care for somebody, you show up at their door. That's the biggest gift you can give somebody. There shouldn't be punitive damages to changing your mind about a moving target. Children being the only relevant constant exception. This version of the marital contract would also change women's traditional insistence in the acquisition of a married status for purely "social currency" purposes. It would also alleviate my constant feeling that I was born into a world that only values me as somebody else's life insurance policy and/or meal ticket, a role that I never found remotely true to what I feel my purpose in life is.
The problem with opting out of the marriage train is that you're not solving a problem, you're merely exchanging one set of problematic circumstances for another. This is to say, most women simply are not going to agree to view marriage in this light as it has been engrained in their heads that society values a married status and your peers will alienate you if you opt out. So for the men that say " screw it", they're going to have a lot of problem having the women they chase buy into this progressive view of relationships. They're simply not going to give up on the village just because you've figured out the scam. The village is still important to women, so if you intend to value this person for decades, it's eventually going to disfunction into a "put a ring on my finger or else". Which is why I find divorced people who remarry about the most self-defeating of propositions, outside getting married in the first place for reasons other than exclusively doing it for children and for 20 years at that.
Once again I say that in the context of a married person who understands that these societal values came before me from a long time ago and it will not change in my lifetime (whether that leads to me having a less genuine marriage and/or higher risk of divorce is irrelevant, people are divorcing left and right as it is, my thoughts on the matter will not change that reality), but I tell you I truly believe having a legal definition of marriage that focuses exclusively on the 2 decade old tenure of raising your replacements would lead to a happier populace overall than this socially-imposed financial yoking of people that could achieve greater things for society were they not worried about the moral/social implication of "publicly shaming" your de facto state assigned life sentence bunkie with divorce or the perception of neglect by the pursuit of your individual happiness. Just sayin'.....Life is grey.
I'm not against being married or a parent. The problem is finding the right woman. In today's dating world of Generation Y, it's like winning the lottery. Everyone thinks they deserve the Mr. Perfect and if you have one single flaw, you're not worth it to them (Usually aren't perfect themselves). Or they fall for vanity and it turns up to be a problem later on when those things becomes less important.
I guess I will sound like one of those "it's not like it used to be" people, but even in 10 years I think things have changed for the worst. I don't know if it's the media or what, but I see people in two camps now.
One is a consumer good driven flashy lifestyle I'm A Hollywood Superstar lifestyle and the other is the grubby tattooed party hard I'm a Rock Star! lifestyle. I think a lot of people have deluded themselves into thinking about what they are and expect the same in their partners. Lots of people out there with unrealistic expectations. And lots of unhappy people as well because they never get what they want.
There's your answer, people like different things. I could never be in a sexless long distance relationship, I may as well buy a condo in Sudan.
Yeah not everyone can handle this. The good part is he calls me many times or sometimes I im him online. There is communication but yeah it's nothing compare to having your SO right there with you and getting on the sheets. I would want to do it every day if he was here with me and hopefully there won't be a day he feels tired or turns me down (I don't think men do that as some women do but yes it would quite upset me).
(I don't think men do that as some women do but yes it would quite upset me).
Lol - you've got a lot to experience as of yet, young one. You would be shocked as to how many relationships end up sexless and both parties are content.
(Many times because they are getting it on the side)
I guess I will sound like one of those "it's not like it used to be" people, but even in 10 years I think things have changed for the worst. I don't know if it's the media or what, but I see people in two camps now.
One is a consumer good driven flashy lifestyle I'm A Hollywood Superstar lifestyle and the other is the grubby tattooed party hard I'm a Rock Star! lifestyle. I think a lot of people have deluded themselves into thinking about what they are and expect the same in their partners. Lots of people out there with unrealistic expectations. And lots of unhappy people as well because they never get what they want.
I agree.
I also think that technology has made it worse. I've been looking at online dating sites for a while and am coming to the conclusion that while the concept is great, its allowed people to be like a kid in a candy store. This will push people to over evaluate what they offer and won't "settle". I almost get a feeling that a lot of people will never be happy from having such large access and will always be looking for the best thing.
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