Single Mothers..Are we doomed (dump, insecure, settle, age)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
What does this have to do with the subject of this thread. You keep talking about this one woman as if she were typical of all single moms. Get over your bad experience and learn to see people as people, not representative of a larger group.
Lemme guess. You're a doctor. I have friends and relatives who are doctors and it amazes me how many of them are more concerned with protecting their assets than anything else. You get into a relationship, you take risks. If those risks are unacceptable to you, then the answer is simple. Stay single. The fact that you chose to conceal what your real occupation was makes you dishonest. However irresponsible she may have been is irrelevant. I would never date someone who couldn't even tell me what they do for a living. The fact that you chose to conceal yours speaks volumes about where your priorities are and how you see relationships. Maybe you're better off staying single. At least then, you'll be sure your assets are protected since that seems to be your biggest priority.
Well, considering family courts almost always screw men over financially if the relationship turns into marriage>divorce or common-law divorce who could blame a guy for not wanting to disclose his career? That isn't making him dishonest, he's trying to protect himself from potential gold diggers and leeches who want a sugar daddy now that they're past their "prime" and nothing to show for it after all those years. Who gives them the right to take half a man's hard earned assets prior to any relationship? Family Courts think so. Have you any idea how messed up family court systems are? Even having a longterm relationship with a single mother you're risking everything if she decides to seek child support... and yes, they can get support from a non-biological parent. Do a search on the internet, I'm appalled that this is even possible. I'm amazed lots of people just don't understand this crucial life threatening risk. Men are expected to be providers, and plenty of women, single mothers or childless are drawn to it and those may end up cashing out if the relationship goes south. Thing is, guys aren't being dishonest. They're testing the potential person if they're dating them for THEM, not for what they make. You might think it's lying but when you're out in the open saying "Oh hi, I'm a doctor in my third year of residency and I drive a BMW and own a home." you're asking for trouble there. However, there is a slim chance someone might actually appreciate the man for what he's worth rather then looking for a golden ticket. If a guy to deal with women's kept secrets, they can handle ours after all in relationships it's only fair (At least in common sense).
Whatever you say Jay. You're clueless. When you live in Manhattan and make over 400k a year, you'll see how different life is. You think it is so easy to spot gold diggers? Any person, male or female, who has worked hard and like hell to beat the rat race would understand why I did what I did. And, I was in the process of telling her what I really did as I believed she was not a gold digger. However, her life's issues got in the way. I never said I am the greatest (far from it) nor perfect, but I did the best I could in the relationship. Her treatment towards me was BEFORE someone told her I was an investment banker, not after buddy. But, of course, she's the innocent one. Cause I did such a bad thing. Yea, that's a rich position to take. It seems we have a difference of opinion. Let's just agree to disagree, Mr Crane. Nonetheless, I would think Shatner and Spader would agree towards my disclosure.
Gotta love Monday Night Quarterbacks.
Nah. You're the one who's clueless, Jay. You think your income excuses you from having to tell people what you do for a living? Grow up. I have a friend who's a radiologist. Although I've never asked, I'm sure he makes 500K a year. He doesn't conceal his occupation. When he goes on dates, he's upfront about his job. While he doesn't come out and tell them what his income is, he knows they can easily look it up. So why is it that he can be honest about his occupation, but you need the feel to hide it? I'll tell you why. Because despite knowing there are gold diggers in the world and despite wanting to protect his assets, he also understands there's no point in getting into a relationship with anyone if you're so distrustful of people and so paranoid that you can't even tell them what you do for a living. That's no way to start off any potential relationship.
And BTW, perhaps you should learn how to read. When did I ever say your ex was innocent? Her behavior is entirely separate from yours. She's no angel, but neither are you since you can't even trust a person with your job title. As for what Shatner and Spader would've thought, I guess you never watched that show. Shatner married half a dozen times so obviously he wasn't afraid of losing his assets. And Spader dated anything in a skirt. He didn't hide his occupation either.
I think people like intluser must have no faith in their ability to build and maintain a healthy marriage with another person, hence their defensive posturing. And I also suspect they must have no confidence in their ability to select an appropriate life partner and weed out those who are unsuitable.
It really boils down to a lack of confidence in one's own judgment (the inability to spot a user) and a lack of optimism or hope of ever finding a genuine life-long love.
Last edited by boodhabunny; 12-03-2010 at 12:15 PM..
Whatever you say Denny. However, I will say, I do disclose my job title description now, just will not talk about salary. As for the ex, she did not find out until after we broke, so that does not excuse her behavior. I will agree I may had made one mistake, she made several more.
I think people like intluser must have no faith in their ability to build and maintain a healthy marriage with another person, hence their defensive posturing. And I also suspect they must have no confidence in their ability to select an appropriate life partner and weed out those who are unsuitable.
It really boils down to a lack of confidence in one's own judgment (the inability to spot a user) and a lack of optimism or hope of ever finding a genuine life-long love.
Actually I think it's that they have so little faith in their fellow man. Yes, the world is full of users and you have to be on the lookout for them. But at the same time, you have to be willing to take some risks. When I go to a restaurant, I have no idea if the people cooking my food are healthy or even wash their hands when they handle my food. But I assume that they'll be responsible. Likewise, I could be a millionaire CEO and meet a stranger at a party. When she asks me what I do, I could dodge the question or just answer. This idea that you have to withhold your job title to protect yourself seems silly. So what if they know what you do for a living? It's not like they can take advantage of you right at that moment. People use only if you let them. There's a huge gap between the time you meet and the time you marry them. At any point along the way, you can put the breaks on things if you suspect you're being used.
Actually I think it's that they have so little faith in their fellow man. Yes, the world is full of users and you have to be on the lookout for them. But at the same time, you have to be willing to take some risks. When I go to a restaurant, I have no idea if the people cooking my food are healthy or even wash their hands when they handle my food. But I assume that they'll be responsible. Likewise, I could be a millionaire CEO and meet a stranger at a party. When she asks me what I do, I could dodge the question or just answer. This idea that you have to withhold your job title to protect yourself seems silly. So what if they know what you do for a living? It's not like they can take advantage of you right at that moment. People use only if you let them. There's a huge gap between the time you meet and the time you marry them. At any point along the way, you can put the breaks on things if you suspect you're being used.
The point is to NOT to get used and to find someone to like you for you, not your bank account. That was the point of the exercise. And, while I will agree, I made had used bad judgement in my discretion of job disclosure, when you are getting involved with someone who is fiscally irresponsible and then files bankruptcy, I do not think I made a bad call. Future relations, I will not skate the issue. As, perhaps, it may look negative on my person, as I am not trying to be. Nor was that ever the reason why I stated a lower paying job.
I am sure there are many single mothers that are stable and really great. However, I've already been bitten once, and I am now twice shy.
The point is to NOT to get used and to find someone to like you for you, not your bank account. That was the point of the exercise. And, while I will agree, I made had used bad judgement in my discretion of job disclosure, when you are getting involved with someone who is fiscally irresponsible and then files bankruptcy, I do not think I made a bad call. Future relations, I will not skate the issue. As, perhaps, it may look negative on my person, as I am not trying to be. Nor was that ever the reason why I stated a lower paying job.
There's always a risk that you're going to be used. You can't avoid it. Try to look it at from a woman's perspective. She doesn't know whether to trust you either. She doesn't know what your intentions are. What if you're just after sex? Wouldn't you want her to at least give you the benefit of the doubt? If so, then it's only fair that she have the same expectation of you.
I have one friend who's a single mom. She has a respectable career, makes enough money to support herself and her son, and has never looked for handouts, not even from her own family. She doesn't expect people to feel sorry for her and she knows that a lot of men will think she's just after a daddy for her kid. She's not looking to change anyone's mind about single moms. She just wants the people who meet her to give her the benefit of the doubt and not immediately dismiss her as a user. And like you, she's worried about being used too. She's learned the hard way that a lot of guys target single moms cause they think they're easy.
It's easy to look back at this woman you dated and say she was financially irresponsible and therefore you did the right thing not telling her what you do for a living. A lot of decisions look correct in hindsight. You can pat yourself on the back and say "I really dodged a bullet with that one." But I assume that, at the time you met her, you had no way of knowing that she was financially irresponsible. If that's the case, then it was still the wrong decision regardless of what she turned out to be.
It's easy to look back at this woman you dated and say she was financially irresponsible and therefore you did the right thing not telling her what you do for a living. A lot of decisions look correct in hindsight. You can pat yourself on the back and say "I really dodged a bullet with that one." But I assume that, at the time you met her, you had no way of knowing that she was financially irresponsible. If that's the case, then it was still the wrong decision regardless of what she turned out to be.
I never took advantage or thought the fact that she was a single mother she would be easier. While, that was true, I slowed the pace of things. From the first date, she asked me to come up, while I did come up, we had coffee and I left. Second date, same thing. So, it was not about the sex. Trust me, because of her medical issues, sex wasn't the easiest with her. But, never held it against her. Once she started to get moody, cold and distant, my rose colored glasses came off. Then when you add moody, cold and distant, 2 divorces, physically abused, bankruptcy, money issues and possible future issues due to her medical issues, it could be a dear dear price to pay. But, I still stayed cause I do not want to leave a person when they are down. Then she gave me that babble of nothing serious and just casual, that blew me away. Having a stiff upper lip and putting up with all those issues listed above, driving the kid and her friends with us, I just said, I deserve better. I deserve someone who will respect me like I do to her. When she said that, I was done. I was shocked by that statement. And just plain mean and nasty. So, I bent over backwards to make life better. Never really complained and was very flexible. But to say that about our relationship NOW. When it is several months in and I am spending three or four days a week with her and her daughter. Come on. No one deserves to be stepped all over.
While, I would hope other single mothers are different, the last one has made me overly cautious on even considering another one. It is just too difficult and you get no respect.
I never took advantage or thought the fact that she was a single mother she would be easier. While, that was true, I slowed the pace of things. From the first date, she asked me to come up, while I did come up, we had coffee and I left. Second date, same thing. So, it was not about the sex. Trust me, because of her medical issues, sex wasn't the easiest with her. But, never held it against her. Once she started to get moody, cold and distant, my rose colored glasses came off. Then when you add moody, cold and distant, 2 divorces, physically abused, bankruptcy, money issues and possible future issues due to her medical issues, it could be a dear dear price to pay. But, I still stayed cause I do not want to leave a person when they are down. Then she gave me that babble of nothing serious and just casual, that blew me away. Having a stiff upper lip and putting up with all those issues listed above, driving the kid and her friends with us, I just said, I deserve better. I deserve someone who will respect me like I do to her. When she said that, I was done. I was shocked by that statement. And just plain mean and nasty. So, I bent over backwards to make life better. Never really complained and was very flexible. But to say that about our relationship NOW. When it is several months in and I am spending three or four days a week with her and her daughter. Come on. No one deserves to be stepped all over.
While, I would hope other single mothers are different, the last one has made me overly cautious on even considering another one. It is just too difficult and you get no respect.
Let's take a look at some of the negative qualities you listed. Moodiness, financial irresponsibility, being cold and distant, etc. Are these exclusive to single moms? No. There are plenty of childless women out there who have these same traits. Suppose you met one, started dating her, then discovered all this about her? Would it cause you to be reluctant to date any other childless woman? Of course not. Because you'd know that these qualities have nothing to do with whether a woman is childless. But in the case of this woman you dated, you seem to be unable to separate her negative qualities from the fact that she's a mother. Pretend for a moment that she didn't have a kid. Then it should become clear the real reasons you broke it off with her.
I dated a lawyer who was also a workaholic. I could've done what you did and conclude that all lawyers are likely to be workaholics and avoid dating any other lawyers. But I didn't do that because I don't believe in making generalizations about groups based on one bad experience. Not all lawyers are workaholics and not all workaholics are lawyers.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
