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This is not nearly as complicated as you think it is.
There is a payoff for you somewhere in all this drama, so what it is? People don't have their lives so swirled in drama without getting something from it.
The thing is, now that you are someone elses mother you don't get the luxuary of indulging yourself in all this teenage angst and drama.
It's time to grow up and act like a woman and competant mother. Your first act should be to contact a therapist - you need professional guidance.
I am in therapy. So is my husband. I've stated this over and over again in the previous posts in this thread.
So, I just need to put him out with the trash huh?
I am in therapy. So is my husband. I've stated this over and over again in the previous posts in this thread.
So, I just need to put him out with the trash huh?
Only read the original post - didn't have time for the whole thread. Glad you are in therapy. Are you working hard at it, or just passing the time?
I never said you should "put him out with the trash" - where did you get that??
I said you need to find out what the payoff is for living in such drama.
You are chosing to live this way - why is the big question. A piece of advice...work harder and faster at getting that question answered - your kids are watching and learning.
You have a choice in this marriage..... My father gave me the best advice when I went to him with my marital problems and I was on the brink of divorce. He said "you either accept her the way she is or don't" it's up to you but if you accept her the way she is then accept this marriage... it's your choice" ......I would also give you this... It sounds to me that you want to make him happy.. what about YOU? Are you happy, when do you focus on yourself? If being with him makes you happy then be with him. If you are miserable with him then leave him. You have to be happy.... I know it is easier said then done and if you decide to leave him it will take time to heal but it will happen. Somewhere in this world is a man that will make you happy, that when he calls you'll get butterflies and nervous. Someone that will take you flowers and visit you at work.... someone that will randomly text you to say that he is thinking of you...someone that will make you feel SPECIAL..and will care about YOU.. someone that will make you feel like you are the only woman in this world.....................
don't you want that? If you paused to think for a second about it I think you know what you need to do.. stop making excuses for this relationship. REALLY.. get out and get out now while you have time. Don't waste another year with this man, find someone that is worth giving yourself to. Life is short honey and before you know it the kids are all grown and it will be just you him and a bunch of memories Good and bad but at the end will you be Happy?
You are not in love with your husband, you are just scared at the though of being alone or abandonment.
Truth is, your husband dosent give a s**t about you or the marriage, im sorry to put it bluntly, but i know of a guy who cheated on his wife WHILE he was in marriage counseling, he dosent care about you and your in total denial, ive never seen someone so in total denial, but i can sympathize, i was in one of these addictive relationships, and when i ended it, it hurt like hell, i used to just break out and cry at work, thats how much it hurt, but you do get better, and in retrospect...thank GOD i left her
You have a choice in this marriage..... My father gave me the best advice when I went to him with my marital problems and I was on the brink of divorce. He said "you either accept her the way she is or don't" it's up to you but if you accept her the way she is then accept this marriage... it's your choice" ......I would also give you this... It sounds to me that you want to make him happy.. what about YOU? Are you happy, when do you focus on yourself? If being with him makes you happy then be with him. If you are miserable with him then leave him. You have to be happy.... I know it is easier said then done and if you decide to leave him it will take time to heal but it will happen. Somewhere in this world is a man that will make you happy, that when he calls you'll get butterflies and nervous. Someone that will take you flowers and visit you at work.... someone that will randomly text you to say that he is thinking of you...someone that will make you feel SPECIAL..and will care about YOU.. someone that will make you feel like you are the only woman in this world.....................
don't you want that? If you paused to think for a second about it I think you know what you need to do.. stop making excuses for this relationship. REALLY.. get out and get out now while you have time. Don't waste another year with this man, find someone that is worth giving yourself to. Life is short honey and before you know it the kids are all grown and it will be just you him and a bunch of memories Good and bad but at the end will you be Happy?
I was at the grocery store yesterday and a book caught my eye. The title was "And Then I'll be Happy", below the title it said, "Stop sabotaging your happiness and put your own life first." I bought it. I'm going to read it. So, it is interesting that you posted this. No, I'm not happy. Yes, I want all those things. But, (yeah I know excuses ).... I can't let go right now. I'm not in a good place emotionally or financially. Like I said in a few posts, I was a stay at home mom for 4 years of our marriage while he advanced in his career and went to school for a master's. I put off my master's to take care of him and the children. I do begin again next August. Also, damnit damnit damnit I love him. I have had crushes whatever or met men I have been attracted to, but really all I want is him. The thought of bringing another man into my life someday scares the hell out of me. Opening myself up all over again. Wow. I don't even know. I'm not the most trusting sort to begin with and now thanks to my husband I am even more touchy. I also have to say that my husband has been trying. I posted a few back about how he is going to church, being more affectionate, more open, etc. He appears genuine, but of course I have my doubts. He's very good at lying and manipulating. I feel like I'm going in circles sometimes. I will think I can/should leave and then he will do something small that most people wouldn't even notice, but to me it's everything and I will be sucked right back in. All he has to do is reach over and play with my hair or put his hand on my leg in the car, kiss my cheek, or call me my dear. Such small things, but such big things to me. I don't know if you can understand that. Sometimes when I'm sitting next to him and he is on his lap top doing homework, he will just reach over and play with my hair or touch my face. I just feel like there is love there. I cannot explain his behavior. There are so many reasons to leave and so few to stay, I know this. But but but but........
"QUOTE=lkm370;15175189]You are not in love with your husband, you are just scared at the though of being alone or abandonment.
Truth is, your husband dosent give a s**t about you or the marriage, im sorry to put it bluntly, but i know of a guy who cheated on his wife WHILE he was in marriage counseling, he dosent care about you and your in total denial, ive never seen someone so in total denial, but i can sympathize, i was in one of these addictive relationships, and when i ended it, it hurt like hell, i used to just break out and cry at work, thats how much it hurt, but you do get better, and in retrospect...thank GOD i left her[/quote]"
I am in love with my husband. I am not scared of being alone or abandonment. That is a snappy judgement to make when you don't know much about me yet. I have only posted a few times in this forum. I am just fine being alone. That is not what I am scared of. I am scared of losing the man I am in love with and never feeling that way about someone again. I am scared of him moving on and finding someone and being happy. I am scared that he will always have a hold on me. If I left my husband, I would not be alone as you put it anyway. I have two children, a family, and many many friends. I am intelligent, pretty, and will have no problem finding another man if that is what I want. It's not though. I want my husband. My husband is a human being. He has made some mistakes and so have I. So many many mistakes have been made. To say he does not give a **** about me isn't just blunt, it's abrasive and hurtful. You do not have his side, only mine. Keep that in mind. He does give a **** and that is all I will say. I'm not going to sit here and make excuses for him. He has been a terrible husband. But, does that mean he isn't capable of becoming a good husband?
Last edited by Toxiclove; 07-24-2010 at 08:56 AM..
. He does give a **** and that is all I will say. I'm not going to sit her and make excuses for him. He has been a terrible husband. But, does that mean he isn't capable of becoming a good husband?
You say "Does that mean he isn't capable of becoming a good husband?" Everyone is capable, not everyone will be or want to be. It needs to come from them, not from you. Any list of required changes you lay down for him and that he may adopt, will only be short-lived, if he doesn't see the error of his ways. A person truly changes when they themselves "get it".
Lastly, even people on the receiving end of a physically abusive relationship say they love their spouse/abuser. That is the very nature of a toxic relationship.. one constantly on the edge of love/hate, rational/irrational, security/fear. It's just plain NOT HEALTHY. Generally, the best way to heal is to separate yourself from the poison and cleanse it out of your system.
You say "Does that mean he isn't capable of becoming a good husband?" Everyone is capable, not everyone will be or want to be. It needs to come from them, not from you. Any list of required changes you lay down for him and that he may adopt, will only be short-lived, if he doesn't see the error of his ways. A person truly changes when they themselves "get it".
Lastly, even people on the receiving end of a physically abusive relationship say they love their spouse/abuser. That is the very nature of a toxic relationship.. one constantly on the edge of love/hate, rational/irrational, security/fear. It's just plain NOT HEALTHY. Generally, the best way to heal is to separate yourself from the poison and cleanse it out of your system.
My question is how do I know if these changes are short lived or long term? I will never know if I leave right now while he is making all these positive changes. I agree, our marriage/relationship has been unhealthy from the beginning. Hence, the name toxiclove. Is it irrational to give him a year to see if these changes are for real? Given our past history together, if they are not for real.. he will screw up again very soon. Is it wrong for me to wait and see if that happens? It's not going to hurt me anymore to leave him next may then it will to leave him right now.
My question is how do I know if these changes are short lived or long term? I will never know if I leave right now while he is making all these positive changes. I agree, our marriage/relationship has been unhealthy from the beginning. Hence, the name toxiclove. Is it irrational to give him a year to see if these changes are for real? Given our past history together, if they are not for real.. he will screw up again very soon. Is it wrong for me to wait and see if that happens? It's not going to hurt me anymore to leave him next may then it will to leave him right now.
I think you are right on to see what develops with him as long as he's making the effort and not destructive or abusive. Separate if needed but continue to work on what you would like to have with him.
People are so Black & White or absolute .... there is a lot of options between married and the other extreme of divorce. At least till you're 95% sure of where you're headed you can live in that area somewhere in the middle with the ability to go back to marriage or forward with divorce.
My question is how do I know if these changes are short lived or long term? I will never know if I leave right now while he is making all these positive changes. I agree, our marriage/relationship has been unhealthy from the beginning. Hence, the name toxiclove. Is it irrational to give him a year to see if these changes are for real? Given our past history together, if they are not for real.. he will screw up again very soon. Is it wrong for me to wait and see if that happens? It's not going to hurt me anymore to leave him next may then it will to leave him right now.
Only you can tell if his changes are sincere, consistent, real.. none of us can. I recommend you re-read your first post. You didn't sound like someone who was convinced, despite everything you later posted.
No, it's not irrational to give change time, but usually when someone sees the error of their ways or knows at the minimum how much their behavior has hurt the one they love, they make an added effort to give that person some reassurance and security. I haven't sensed that from you. I've only sensed defensiveness.
Anyway, good luck, whatever your outcome. BTW, I don't believe anyone on here takes separation or divorce lightly (certainly I don't), even though it may come across that way.
My question is how do I know if these changes are short lived or long term? I will never know if I leave right now while he is making all these positive changes. I agree, our marriage/relationship has been unhealthy from the beginning. Hence, the name toxiclove. Is it irrational to give him a year to see if these changes are for real? Given our past history together, if they are not for real.. he will screw up again very soon. Is it wrong for me to wait and see if that happens? It's not going to hurt me anymore to leave him next may then it will to leave him right now.
It sounds like you're in love with potential and I doubt that will work out for you in the end. Do people really ever change? I imagine it's easier for young folk, who are inexperienced and malleable. But, as we get older folk tend to get set in their ways. Waiting for him to change to be who you want him to be is very unlikely. He might change into something he wants to be, but that might not mesh with you any more than does his current MO.
LoveMountains asked an excellent question. The only person that can do any changing in this situation is you, but you need to first figure out what you're getting out of it.
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).... I can't let go right now. I'm not in a good place emotionally or financially. Like I said in a few posts, I was a stay at home mom for 4 years of our marriage while he advanced in his career and went to school for a master's. I put off my master's to take care of him and the children. I do begin again next August. Also, damnit damnit damnit I love him. I have had crushes whatever or met men I have been attracted to, but really all I want is him. The thought of bringing another man into my life someday scares the hell out of me. Opening myself up all over again. Wow. I don't even know. I'm not the most trusting sort to begin with and now thanks to my husband I am even more touchy. I also have to say that my husband has been trying. I posted a few back about how he is going to church, being more affectionate, more open, etc. He appears genuine, but of course I have my doubts. He's very good at lying and manipulating. I feel like I'm going in circles sometimes. I will think I can/should leave and then he will do something small that most people wouldn't even notice, but to me it's everything and I will be sucked right back in. All he has to do is reach over and play with my hair or put his hand on my leg in the car, kiss my cheek, or call me my dear. Such small things, but such big things to me. I don't know if you can understand that. Sometimes when I'm sitting next to him and he is on his lap top doing homework, he will just reach over and play with my hair or touch my face. I just feel like there is love there. I cannot explain his behavior. There are so many reasons to leave and so few to stay, I know this. But but but but........