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My husband approached his father and got some things off his chest. He told him he did not appreciate the fact that he had been spreading lies about him for nearly 20years. He went into detail about some other things but basically told him that he is no longer welcome in his home. They are supposed to leave tonight and stay with another relative.
I am relieved for my husband. All this tension is unsettling for the kids and our household. I didn't want to lose my parents but they died and I can't talk to them when I want to. Yet, my husband has never had a good relationship with his father and then his mother sides with my FIL. She tends to go back and forth but she always defends his abusive comments.
I wanted my kids to have Grand Parents because I did not have any. Now they will live out their years without having them around.
Captain,
Hello. I had to get this issue off my chest so I could calm down and stay focused. I don't believe in being rude to elders but elders have to show respect too!. Being a verbally abusive 70yr old isn't the smartest move when you only have 1 child to depend on. I guess the thought of living in a gross nursing home one day does not bother them!
A.We have offered to pay them back but they claim that they helped us because they are generous and they do not need the money.
The so-called "inheritance" looks to be a mountain of debt and 2 houses in need of serious work and remodeling-so NO this is not the motivation. Hubby told them to leave whatever they have to another relative. My husband is an ONLY child and something in me wanted him to have what I had with my parents (who are both now deceased). I guess I wanted things to get better.
Hubby and I ARE on one accord. I will take the suggestions that we will have that talk and leave it up to them on how they want our relationship to be. From my observation they don't even try to be loving towards the kids. My FIL calls my son names when I am not around. MIL calls my daughter "fat" names all day long.
You can (and will) do whatever you want.
But I would suggest:
1) Paying them back completely,if you can afford it. Or making payments until you're done.
2) Meeting w/ them and discussing your concerns. This will either a VERY short meeting (they will get angry and leave) or it will be a long meeting where a number of issues will be aired.
3) Dropping the bitterness. The remark about the "inheritance" makes you sound petty,OP and I'm sure that's not what you want.
4) Talking w/ your children and explaining why you aren't having your husband's parents around anymore. Kids aren't stupid and if you let me know in a straightforward manner,things should go well.
5) Consider counseling. A split from his parents could have serious effects on your spouse and your marriage. A counselor might help him (and you) w/ those effects.
Your in-laws might be terrible people,but they are probably just doing thins they way that have been and nobody has called them on it.
Try calling them on it and see what happens.
Bigblue, they sound like they are very narcissitic and obviously they never change.Matter of fact, they get worse as they age. I personaly think that you and your husband are doing the right thing by cutting them out of your life.They are very toxic people and you don`t want them around your kids. Your in-laws have made the choice to become who they are so the consequences for them is that they no longer are allowed to be apart of your families life.
Everyone is correct.
They are almost 70yrs old. I wanted to give them a chance in case the "worst" happens but toxic behavior is not acceptable.
It is strange but my own father cut off ties to his own dad for some similar reasons. My dad did not attend his fathers funeral. So much is said about the strained mother-daughter relationship but what about the strained father-son relationship?
I could go on endlessly about a particular father-son relationship. My husbands son (again only child - spoiled, arrogant, self-centered) has decided that his father (whom I'm married to) has an out of control temper and has said terrible things to him. He called up things said 25 years ago and used some of the most childish and stupid things to create an argument with his father. His mother died 26 years ago, I met his father a year later, we didn't marry for another 8 years after that. He has problems with us. We were the world's best grandparents to their 3 boys, I ignoredhis rude behavior when he was in our house, still not good enough. He complained that I didn't talk enough when we would visit, or I didn't eat enough whe we visited, stuff like that. His father is a wonderful man, I've tried to explain to him that this is his son's problem, not his. They haven't spoken for more than 2 years - oh, BTW, this is the 2nd time in 25 years he's pulled this. Last time, Dad went and apoligized (we still don't know what for as then they just stopped responding to calls and being unavailable), but this time he's washed his hands of his son. He's a piece of work, and I pray daily that one or all of his sons do to him what he's done to his father.
My husband has long wanted to sever the ties with his parents but being that I was close to my parents I could not relate. Now, I have seen and heard enough but still feel conflicted.
What would you do?
You can't fix your husband's relationship with his parents. They'll never be the kind of people your parents were; there will never be the kind of closeness and rapport you experienced with yours. Have you stopped to think that you might be causing your husband more pain by your actions?
I'll also talk to him to see if maybe he felt I was trying to push him to have a relationship that wasn't meant to be.
My husband did tell his father he did not want to communicate with him ever again. Then his father in turn tried to turn the tables and say "well I am sorry you felt that way". --example
My father in law called my husband a loser and a lousy son and provider back in 2004. Now this was coupled with other insults (he has NEVER said anything positive to my husband) -does the same to my MIL.
My husband told him he could never get those hurtful words out of his head, those words came at the lowest point in his life and after that my husband told his father that he could'nt trust him after that.
His dad replies, not with an apology but with:
"I am sorry YOU felt that way!".
If your in-laws truly have a "mountain of debt", all the more reason to be firm about paying them back plus some interest. Then cut them completely out of your lives.
It could be their pride that is causing them to tell you that it's not necessary to pay them back. And they did help you out in a time of need. Plus it's a good example to set for your children. It's a matter of being good people in spite of their poor behaviour towards your family.
My husband did tell his father he did not want to communicate with him ever again. Then his father in turn tried to turn the tables and say "well I am sorry you felt that way". --example
My father in law called my husband a loser and a lousy son and provider back in 2004. Now this was coupled with other insults (he has NEVER said anything positive to my husband) -does the same to my MIL.
My husband told him he could never get those hurtful words out of his head, those words came at the lowest point in his life and after that my husband told his father that he could'nt trust him after that.
His dad replies, not with an apology but with:
"I am sorry YOU felt that way!".
Classic non-apology and a way to turn it around and make it seem as if all the problems are your husband's fault. No wonder the guy wants nothing to do with his father. You might google "malignant narcissist". I bet you'd find a lot of the traits describing that disorder in your FIL.
If your in-laws truly have a "mountain of debt", all the more reason to be firm about paying them back plus some interest. Then cut them completely out of your lives.
It could be their pride that is causing them to tell you that it's not necessary to pay them back. And they did help you out in a time of need. Plus it's a good example to set for your children. It's a matter of being good people in spite of their poor behaviour towards your family.
But, if they are so far in debt, they are likely to not pay off that debt and use the money the OP and hubby pay back frivolously. And, that will leave the debt to the husband when the parents pass away.
I think instead the OP and husband should inform the In-Laws that they will use that money to directly pay off the debts themselves. *IF* they pay it back at all. I am a firm believer in paying back your debts, but the In-Laws have made it clear that they do not want to be paid back and that the money was a gift. Hopefully the In-Laws won't retract that statement later!
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