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I've mentioned this gal before and received a chorus on how horrible a friend I was and how she was better off without me. Yeah, bite me.
A little history, this gal lost her boyfriend due to her insecurities, drunken rampages, possessive/controlling hissy-fits and other such endearing qualities. She is the gal who will cry in her beer and expect everyone to come catering to her. No one will challenge her for fear of setting her off or hurting her already overly sensitive feelings. All this in addition to her vindictive backbiting because she was jealous of my friendship with her guy, who was just as much a friend as she was and still is. I pulled away from her for quite some time, remaining civil since we have mutual friends and ran into each other from time to time.
We had a discussion a little while back where she told me she really missed our friendship. I told her why things were the way they were and she was a little hesitant to own it, but there really was no way out of it. That was the first clue that this was a waste of time, but I wasn't negotiating with her on that topic and she didn't argue after a while. In hindsight, I may have mistaken that for owning what she has done, when it was really "Ah, let her think she's right if it means we can rebuild our friendship."
Things were better for a bit, though I wasn't around her any more often than I was before. Still, the public, drunken displays of crazy seemed to have stopped. Wow. Maybe she has changed.
Then, it happened again after a few weeks and hasn't stopped since. Now it's with another man, a really wonderful man who is somewhat new to the group. They have become very close. She drinks and treats him like complete dirt in front of everyone. It happened as recently as two weekends ago at the home of another mutual friend. She threw a drink at him and pouted for a good part of the night. In addition, her ex and his new girlfriend were there. They are friendly, which is a good thing. But she was slamming her ex TO his new girlfriend as well.
I decided to have a bbq/pool gathering one day last weekend. I didn't invite her and I didn't invite the guy she has latched onto either. That wasn't an easy decision. For one thing, I knew it was going to get back to her and it would cause friction, but that was a more acceptable fate than actually having her there. I really felt bad about not inviting our male friend. He was excluded by association. I felt that inviting him, and not her, would have caused friction for him and alienate her more than necessary. The last thing I wanted was to make her feel like she was being put in time out.
She IMed me yesterday asking why she was not invited. I told her, nicely, that she and "John" had been scrapping non-stop and, considering all that has been going on over the last few weeks, I didn't want anyone to be uncomfortable at this gathering. She asked who made mention of it. I told her that it's no secret and that I have seen it myself. It was my decision and mine alone.
She went left into the pity party about she isn't perfect, how I put her on a sh*t-list, she sees who her real friends are, that real friends put up with each other and that she would never exclude me from a gathering. "You don't care about me.", "Don't call me 'dear', you don't mean it." Then she turned it into how we are all ganging up on her and "Why doesn't anyone come to me with this?". Well, I had just done so and look a the result. Who wants to deal with this kind of nonsense?
She really screwed up when she threw my son into the mix. He is going to be sharing an apartment with the guy she has latched onto. "To think John opened his home to your son. But that's OK. Karma is a b*tch." So now, she's throwing the favor John is doing for my son in my face, and not inviting her is a sign of ingratitude in that regard. And karma is a b*tch because John will not like what I have done to her. Line.....crossed.
I proceeded to tell her to can the victim bit, it wasn't going to work with me. There was no sh*t-list. This was not punishment; it is consequence. I was not about to place MY guests in the position of having to put up with her garbage. It's one thing to run into her somewhere and have to witness it; I can't force her to leave. But I am not going to willingly invite crazy into my space or expose my guests to it. "Real" friends put up with each other to an extent. A "real" friend would limit what they expect someone to endure, "real" friendships don't come at the expense of other people and it does not come with unlimited patience and tolerance.
Finally, the behavior that led to her not being invited is the root of the problem, not being excluded from the party. And we might have gotten past it, down the road. But this stunt is not something I will ever excuse, especially when she had the nerve to use my son to dig at me.
Deaf ears. She is the victim and I am out to get her.
So, again, I'm a crappy friend. Hopefully, my "sacrifice" will make things easier on the others who actually care to keep her around. The only loss I feel is the time I wasted giving it another shot.
John, on the other hand, understands completely. He doesn't hold it against me at all. But, he is also making excuses for her and that is a whole other box of poop. Since she knows where she stands, I won't have to exclude him again. He just has to decide if it's worth pissing her off by attending.
This woman has issues, and amongst them are narcissism, stubbornness, and a screaming inability to take responsibility for the consequences of her actions.
If this woman thinks it's elegant, polite, or classy for her to throw a drink at her boyfriend in front of others, that says it all to me. A lady doesn't do that. Period. I know this sounds sexist, but just as a gentleman would never publicly humiliate let alone throw drinks at his woman in the company of others, likewise a lady would never belittle her man and throw drinks at her man, whether alone or with people.
Her language (that she and others in your social circle have placed her in some kind of sh/t list) displays her attitude: it's not her fault, it's everybody's fault. This isn't going to change, and there's nothing you can do about it but distance yourself.
I am a huge believer in the axiom that the behavior of others towards us is largely dictated by our behavior towards them. Genuine personality differences notwithstanding, people should be able to tolerate each other even if both parties wish not to become friends.
I've run into people with very irritating habits and behavior patterns, and if there's one common denominator amongst them, it is that they are never wrong and it's others' problems which cause social friction.
- "Ditza" is annoying, whiny, unintelligent, an airhead, and irritating, not to mention screamingly insecure about her weight. I know people who avoid her like the plague because they can't stand her whining and her idiotic comments. I'm one of them - only I told her to f*** off, but not using profanity. She interpreted it as me being mean. My only regret? Not cutting her off sooner.
- "Quinn" is a good guy who is chronically late, who insists on avoiding certain bars and restaurants due to his very narrow-minded taste in food and entertainment, and who is a poor conversationalist. He's also made a number of gaffes including money and gifts that effectively made him lose two friendships (me and another guy). But if you were to ask Quinn, Quinn would say that it's other people being anal.
- "Samuel" is the most recent example. He and I met a little over 1 year ago, and we share some common friends. The man has a lot of anger issues due to some very horrible things he endured earlier in life. No one would mock him due to those issues, but he's too angry and it's alienated several people. But, Samuel's antics have irked many people:
A) He strangely accused Mike (who is known to be one of the happiest and most laid back people in this large social network of ours) of racism and went on a huge verbal fight, during which Mike was more flabbergasted than anything.
B) Samuel got into an odd and childish argument w/ Keith (another long-time member of this crowd) when many of us were at a bar celebrating one person's birthday. Samuel had come with me and had the audacity and lack of wisdom to ask me if I wouldn't mind leaving then and there because Samuel was too pissed off to stay. Are you kidding? - he wanted me to leave early, when I was having a blast of a time?
C) Samuel was actually approached by a woman who told him his harshness and temper had offended and even hurt others, including women. Samuel didn't care.
Lately, I've noticed that several people in this large social group are shunning him and/or think he just had to grow up and act like an adult. Samuel has nobody to blame but himself if he becomes a pariah - it's not wise to join a crowd, pick unnecessary fights without any good motive w/ some of the long-time members (especially since others will take their side and not Samuel's), and then become known for having a short-fuse and anger issues.
Why would she even HAVE any friends behaving this way?
:S
She's very pretty, overweight though.
She will go above and beyond for her friends, she'll help a stranger in a heartbeat. I think this is why people put up with her. And she figures she does so much for others that she should get a permanent pass. In that regard, her generosity and kindness comes with strings attached. That's not what the spirit of friendship is about.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ep-
you mentioned your son and him getting an apartment. how old is this chick???
She's the typical drama queen, any guy that hooks up with her needs his head examined. I feel bad for your son, bc the shyt will swing and hit him in the azz to pay you back.
This woman has issues, and amongst them are narcissism, stubbornness, and a screaming inability to take responsibility for the consequences of her actions.
If this woman thinks it's elegant, polite, or classy for her to throw a drink at her boyfriend in front of others, that says it all to me. A lady doesn't do that. Period. I know this sounds sexist, but just as a gentleman would never publicly humiliate let alone throw drinks at his woman in the company of others, likewise a lady would never belittle her man and throw drinks at her man, whether alone or with people.
Her language (that she and others in your social circle have placed her in some kind of sh/t list) displays her attitude: it's not her fault, it's everybody's fault. This isn't going to change, and there's nothing you can do about it but distance yourself.
I am a huge believer in the axiom that the behavior of others towards us is largely dictated by our behavior towards them. Genuine personality differences notwithstanding, people should be able to tolerate each other even if both parties wish not to become friends.
I've run into people with very irritating habits and behavior patterns, and if there's one common denominator amongst them, it is that they are never wrong and it's others' problems which cause social friction.
This is exactly how I feel about it. I don't like it, but I accept it for what it is. She knows I'm not buying it, but she's going to seek out back up with the others. That's OK too. I'll be hurt and disappointed, but not as much as if it was something beyond out control. It's easy to walk away from something like this. I immediately become aware of what I am not missing out on.
Quote:
"- "Ditza" is annoying, whiny, unintelligent, an airhead, and irritating, not to mention screamingly insecure about her weight. I know people who avoid her like the plague because they can't stand her whining and her idiotic comments. I'm one of them - only I told her to f*** off, but not using profanity. She interpreted it as me being mean. My only regret? Not cutting her off sooner."
You've described "Jane" to a tee. That is exactly where I am with this.
She is insecure about her weight. Her ex didn't care, he actually likes bigger women and told her often how beautiful she is. Didn't matter. This new man is not her boyfriend, but they are attracted to each other. She has done this to the last 2 men she was with, that I know of. I didn't know her before that.
She's pretty smart, but she goes Romper Room when she is hurt. The contrast is astounding. She makes complete sense when advising others, but is severely lacking in her own coping skills. That's not so uncommon - but the degree of the contradiction is astounding. How can she NOT know how crazy it is?
I also think a lot of these people are desensitized to it, their own reasons may vary. For the most part, they blow it off. They'll laugh at it. Two of them have actually made the decision that when she gets "that look in her eyes", they pay their tabs and go home. It's ridiculous. Why would anyone be willing to base how long they stay on that look in her eye?
I remember a group of us discussing a guy who had some major anger issues. His girlfriend left him. Her take on it was "He feels what he feels" when he felt his girlfriend wronged him, which was pretty much all the time. In retrospect, while that statement is true (he can't help how he feels), it was more of a way of excusing him, obviously, because she does the same thing.
Quote:
- "Quinn" is a good guy who is chronically late, who insists on avoiding certain bars and restaurants due to his very narrow-minded taste in food and entertainment, and who is a poor conversationalist. He's also made a number of gaffes including money and gifts that effectively made him lose two friendships (me and another guy). But if you were to ask Quinn, Quinn would say that it's other people being anal.
- "Samuel" is the most recent example. He and I met a little over 1 year ago, and we share some common friends. The man has a lot of anger issues due to some very horrible things he endured earlier in life. No one would mock him due to those issues, but he's too angry and it's alienated several people. But, Samuel's antics have irked many people:
A) He strangely accused Mike (who is known to be one of the happiest and most laid back people in this large social network of ours) of racism and went on a huge verbal fight, during which Mike was more flabbergasted than anything.
B) Samuel got into an odd and childish argument w/ Keith (another long-time member of this crowd) when many of us were at a bar celebrating one person's birthday. Samuel had come with me and had the audacity and lack of wisdom to ask me if I wouldn't mind leaving then and there because Samuel was too pissed off to stay. Are you kidding? - he wanted me to leave early, when I was having a blast of a time?
C) Samuel was actually approached by a woman who told him his harshness and temper had offended and even hurt others, including women. Samuel didn't care.
Lately, I've noticed that several people in this large social group are shunning him and/or think he just had to grow up and act like an adult. Samuel has nobody to blame but himself if he becomes a pariah - it's not wise to join a crowd, pick unnecessary fights without any good motive w/ some of the long-time members (especially since others will take their side and not Samuel's), and then become known for having a short-fuse and anger issues.
It's no comfort to know that I am not alone, but I can certainly relate. I take it you limit how often you are around these people?
She's the typical drama queen, any guy that hooks up with her needs his head examined. I feel bad for your son, bc the shyt will swing and hit him in the azz to pay you back.
I may be giving her too much credit, but I don't think she would do that to my son. Still, I am advising him against moving in with this guy. The strain of witnessing their drama is enough just being out and about or at a gathering. I wouldn't want to live with it on a daily basis. I think he's feeling the same way.
This is exactly how I feel about it. I don't like it, but I accept it for what it is. She knows I'm not buying it, but she's going to seek out back up with the others. That's OK too. I'll be hurt and disappointed, but not as much as if it was something beyond out control. It's easy to walk away from something like this. I immediately become aware of what I am not missing out on.
People like Jane and Ditza, and like Quinn and Samuel to lesser extents, probably didn't learn or weren't taught by their parents to look at their own actions.
Quote:
Originally Posted by PassTheChocolate
You've described "Jane" to a tee. That is exactly where I am with this.
Ditza however isn't smart at all. She's in fact one of the most unintelligent people I've ever known. She can't give advice. But to her credit she never loses her temper, and isn't profane. She's harmless... just incredibly annoying.
Quote:
Originally Posted by PassTheChocolate
It's no comfort to know that I am not alone, but I can certainly relate. I take it you limit how often you are around these people?
As I said, I completely cut Ditza off, and had to be harsh because she wouldn't have gotten it otherwise. I cut off Quinn gradually, only regretting that I hadn't done it earlier. I simply withdrew from him; I never called him and excluded him from all social activities which engaged others he knew. It's gotten to the point that I haven't seen him in over 1 year and haven't spoken to him on the phone in more than 2 years - and saw him only because we were both guests to a common friend's event. As for Samuel, he's more an acquaintance, and while we share some common friends, I doubt Samuel and I will ever get close enough to the point he'll constantly irk me the way Ditza and Quinn did. I feel for Samuel though because he's very smart and he's not known for social gaffes the way Quinn was - it's just that he has certain antics, including an unpredictable temper, which makes others not want to be near him.
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A little long.
