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Sometimes the news of a divorce is almost anticipated, because you see obvious signs that a couple has problems and don't appear to ever be happy. Other times it shakes you to your core, because they "appear" a perfectly happy couple. It's then that you wonder for a second, WTH happened? and if it could happen to them, maybe it could happen to me too.
And this is exactly the wrong reaction. Divorce doesn't just happen to you. Things that just happen to you are largely out of your control. But your marriage is something you have a great deal of control over.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ashcody
I realize that was an analogy but most people who do remarry after a 2nd failed marriage, don't really seem to take it seriously IMO.
If they don't take it seriously, then they probably shouldn't be getting married. But assuming they genuinely want to make a marriage work, the first step is to figure out why the previous ones failed.
And this is exactly the wrong reaction. Divorce doesn't just happen to you. Things that just happen to you are largely out of your control. But your marriage is something you have a great deal of control over.
Gee thanks Denny, I don't know how I managed to stay married for so long without this advice . I personally don't consider having an emotional gut reaction to hearing that friends are divorcing unexpectedly wrong (I did however put the word "appear" to be happy in quotation marks). To clarify, I was talking about a fleeting thought, not a condition that is contagious or actually doomed to happen to me out of the blue and without reason. It's called being human. It's natural to have feelings and react emotionally to hearing bad news from people you know.
I get annoyed when I hear that people are divorcing for minor things. We live in a society that makes a joke of marriage. People are so caught up in the wedding, the dress, the party of it all that when real life kicks in and they see it isn't the party they thought it was going to be, they bail. Then they use reasons such as irreconcilable differences, we're not in love, I want my freedom, it isn't fun anymore, life's too short to be unhappy, i'm suffocating, I don't want to be married, my partner doesn't understand me, it's just too hard etc etc to justify their divorce.
I agree. A friend of mine got married last year - the big hoo-ha with the amazing dress and the pre wedding photos and the mindblowing cake - and because she woke up one day and realised she was still very young and didn't want to be married anymore, she is now a 24 year old divorcee.
But I have to wonder, what makes it not the party they thought it was going to be?
I honestly believe that some of these couples aren't even in love in the first place, they're just getting married due to pressure, or because they're being fed this crap that it's "time".
Gee thanks Denny, I don't know how I managed to stay married for so long without this advice . I personally don't consider having an emotional gut reaction to hearing that friends are divorcing unexpectedly wrong (I did however put the word "appear" to be happy in quotation marks). To clarify, I was talking about a fleeting thought, not a condition that is contagious or actually doomed to happen to me out of the blue and without reason. It's called being human. It's natural to have feelings and react emotionally to hearing bad news from people you know.
It's normal to have a gut reaction to bad news. But you also said that hearing about someone else's divorce shook you to your core. Why would it? Because they were the perfect couple who you could never imagine divorcing? If you understand what marriage means and if you're secure in your own, then there's no reason to have even the fleeting thought that divorce could happen to you. What ever likelihood you assigned to yourself that you could someday divorce shouldn't go up just because you heard about someone else's divorce, not even for a second. If my friend gets fired, I don't momentarily think "it could happen to me too." Both before and after, I know the chances of my getting fired are the same. My point is that people need to look at their marriage and not frame it in the context of someone else's failed marriage. Every marriage is unique and independent of someone else's.
It's normal to have a gut reaction to bad news. But you also said that hearing about someone else's divorce shook you to your core. Why would it? Because they were the perfect couple who you could never imagine divorcing? If you understand what marriage means and if you're secure in your own, then there's no reason to have even the fleeting thought that divorce could happen to you. What ever likelihood you assigned to yourself that you could someday divorce shouldn't go up just because you heard about someone else's divorce, not even for a second. If my friend gets fired, I don't momentarily think "it could happen to me too." Both before and after, I know the chances of my getting fired are the same. My point is that people need to look at their marriage and not frame it in the context of someone else's failed marriage. Every marriage is unique and independent of someone else's.
I agree Denny, but I think you took my words to mean more than I intended. There are moments in life that are real "shockers", like a 38 year old colleague dying in a freak accident or having a stroke or a co-worker laid off, when no one including them, saw it coming. In the case of divorce, sometimes no one sees it coming, including the spouse being served. It's more than a momentary feeling of sadness, but it's not going to ultimately change my life or how I live it.
Those people who say marriage means nothing to those who get divorced. One guy I spoke to told me marriage was "like a broken iPhone - you just go out and get a new one."
What are people expected to do if they're unhappy? Live a life of misery because they don't want to dishonour their vows?
I completey agree - people often look at the outside appearance of a marrige and if there is a divorce then they thinks its premature - but don't realise what is going on behind closed doors - and the amount of stress the person has gone through in the marriage.
and its not about getting a new partner - currently considering divorce - and to be honest I'd be happy to stay single for a long time.
Those people who say marriage means nothing to those who get divorced. One guy I spoke to told me marriage was "like a broken iPhone - you just go out and get a new one."
What are people expected to do if they're unhappy? Live a life of misery because they don't want to dishonour their vows?
Yes. I am not religious but I was just reading the bible today trying to look up a verse for a member here (Knight2009), and it says that "God hates divorce" and you are not allowed to get divorced for any reason except adultery. This is because you are bound to your spouse for life in the eyes of God. And if you do get divorced you must remain single for the rest of your life, you can not remarry or you will be committing adultery against your first spouse.
In a way I admire this way of thinking but I never knew about it when I divorced. I guess when you have problems in your marriage you're supposed to work them out with the help of God and the church.
Outside of the church I think people just hate seeing families and commitments broken up. But divorce is, by far, much more acceptable thing these days. People leave when they are unhappy.
I find it odd that in so many of the responses posted, people seem so concerned with why others get divorced. If two people I know choose to get divorced, I look at it as none of my business.
I just want them to be happy, and if being happy means getting divorced, why should it matter why they got divorced? The only two people who know what really goes on in a relationship, are the two people in it.
I guess it makes us non-married couples lose faith in marriage IMO. My parents have been married for 23 yrs. but almost every single one of my friends parents are divorced...I'm the minority which is very strange to me. So, even I--whose parents are still together have pretty much lost faith in marriage for the most part. My boyfriend's mother is on her 4th, or 5th marriage ( I couldn't even tell ya) which is absolutely ridiculous to me. I would think after the 2nd failed marriage, possibly 3rd--people would choose NOT to marry but just be together. I personally, never want to divorce and that is probably why I'm still dating my boyfriend of 5 yrs. I would def. not remarry after a 2nd failed marriage though, that's for certain.
A marriage is what the couple makes it. Don't worry about the couples that are divorcing for what ever reasons they are divorcing.
Do you not get a job because people get fired? Do you not drive because people have accidents? Do you not go to the bank or store because it might get robbed? Of course not. You go forward with these activities in spite of the risks.
Marriage can be approached the same way. You have to go into it with your eyes open. Some of the things that are important in a marriage are having a compatable moral standard as a foundation, being able to communicate constructively, and a willingness - no, a commitment, to look out for one another's interests and well being. Of course, there is much more to it than that.
My point is, don't let other peoples failures and successes in marriage color your decision to marry or not marry. Someone elses failed marriage does not fortell marital failure for you. Someone elses successful marriage does not fortell marital success for you. Every individual, couple, and situation is different. You and your boyfriend are marrying each other, not the people who got divorced.
Talk to any married couple and they will tell you it takes a lot of work and there are ups and downs. My folks really did stay married " 'Till death do us part"...59 years - until my father died. It wasn't always pretty. There were times when I thought divorce was on the horizon, but they worked through the rough spots. Ultimately, they truly loved each other until he took his last breath. She loved him until she took her last breath. Their marriage was built on a foundation of love and respect. You can do it, but it's a long and complicated dance, and it's not always easy. Don't focus on the failures; learn from the successes.
Last edited by SloRoller; 01-05-2012 at 06:48 PM..
Reason: More to say.
I don't feel bad - just sad for the guys who lose their homes, money and children.
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. I personally don't consider having an emotional gut reaction to hearing that friends are divorcing unexpectedly wrong (I did however put the word "appear" to be happy in quotation marks). To clarify, I was talking about a fleeting thought, not a condition that is contagious or actually doomed to happen to me out of the blue and without reason. It's called being human. It's natural to have feelings and react emotionally to hearing bad news from people you know.
