Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Dude just make an honest woman of the girl! You don't have much time left, if you know she is the one just go ahead and make it right do right by the lady ...
If you two marry, she will be able to collect your SS if you pass on. If you don't want that for her, offer some other tangible benefits.
Get a big life insurance policy and name her the beneficiary. Put her on the title to all houses & cars...She's looking for security in her old age, not a fight with your adult children.
Yes I was going to say the same thing and another thing I ran into a man while in my attorneys office and he said the same thing about his brothers adult kids all they did was fight the stepmother for everything the dad had she ended up with nothing but tears .
My soulmate's fear is that without the union of marriage she may wind up on the short end some day. To her fears I responded that marriage guarantees nothing. As an example I pointed to my marriage which ended after 25 years. Therefore - I say to her - she will have to rely on my word, my love, and my dedication to her and to what we have built and continue to build together. Marriage. . .is not an option.
How do I calm her fears?
What is her financial status? Does she work? Have savings? Own a home? A retirement plan? Debt? Are you guys planning to share a home?
I need to know more before I could even offer an opinion.
After 25 years of devotion to my wife, the time finally came to end my marriage and move on. The love had died and "the thrill" had long since departed. We both knew the time was right. Our two children were adults and in college. This was exactly three years ago this July.
I now have a wonderful partner and soulmate; a lovely soft spoken woman with a gentle spirit. Our love and devotion is honest. Our relationship is beautiful. So what's the problem? She wants to marry and I don't.
After 25 years of marriage, I am convinced that there is no need to engage in that experience again. What for? We're in our 50's so it's not like we're gonna procreate. Our children are all adults and are either done or almost done with college.
My soulmate's fear is that without the union of marriage she may wind up on the short end some day. To her fears I responded that marriage guarantees nothing. As an example I pointed to my marriage which ended after 25 years. Therefore - I say to her - she will have to rely on my word, my love, and my dedication to her and to what we have built and continue to build together. Marriage. . .is not an option.
How do I calm her fears?
Make sure the house, the cars and the bank accounts are in both names. Anything you build, jointly, needs to be in both names. You also need to keep separate anything you came into the relationship with so that your children aren't short changed. And write a will that takes care of her. You also need to give her the power to make medical decisions for you if you are incapacitated. Legally, give her everything that she'd have if married to you.
Unfortunately, she will be unale to draw social security, she will be unable to be put on your medical plan (or you on hers if the need should arise) and she will have no claim to any pension you accrue during the time of the relationship. So, take out a life insurance policy that will cover her. In fact, you really need to do that so that she is taken care of and doesn't end up feeling like she stole from your children to take care of herself.
As others have said, she's, most likely, looking for security not a ring. That ring, however, comes with a lot of security.
After 25 years of devotion to my wife, the time finally came to end my marriage and move on. The love had died and "the thrill" had long since departed. We both knew the time was right. Our two children were adults and in college. This was exactly three years ago this July.
I now have a wonderful partner and soulmate; a lovely soft spoken woman with a gentle spirit. Our love and devotion is honest. Our relationship is beautiful. So what's the problem? She wants to marry and I don't.
After 25 years of marriage, I am convinced that there is no need to engage in that experience again. What for? We're in our 50's so it's not like we're gonna procreate. Our children are all adults and are either done or almost done with college.
My soulmate's fear is that without the union of marriage she may wind up on the short end some day. To her fears I responded that marriage guarantees nothing. As an example I pointed to my marriage which ended after 25 years. Therefore - I say to her - she will have to rely on my word, my love, and my dedication to her and to what we have built and continue to build together. Marriage. . .is not an option.
How do I calm her fears?
You wont calm her fears ; and your word, love, and dedication wont be enough for her to hang onto because you did that already to your exwife and it didnt stick . If shes truly your 'SoulMate' then she expects for you to make it permanent as she wants to ; if you dont, then your relationship will always carry with it a contingency plan of bailing out once you decide the thrill has waned with her also . If you are very certain you do not want to get married again, then be sure and offer up that information to someone you date early on in the friendship so she understands up front before investing her whole self into a relationship with you ; its your perogative to stay single if you like but you must be honest upfront ... otherwise youll both find yourself in the situation youre in together which is mass confusion and a hopeless situation due to two people having vastly different views of importance.
I am a male in my 50's also, divorced for 18 years, and dont desire to get married again which is why i dont date yet have some very close and meaningful friendships with the opposite sex where there is total honesty and integrity ... and i find that is enough to satisfy my emotional requirements . I dont engage in the sexual with them either , so it doesnt make for a confusing harmful relationship. Setting some boundaries is of utmost importance for the good of all concerned.
Last edited by 007.5; 07-24-2010 at 08:05 AM..
Reason: add
I admire the fact that you have had a long and happy marriage. Here are two scenarios, both unrelated to cheating:
Spouse becomes an alcoholic and is abusive to spouse and children.
Spouse ignores other spouse or their needs completely, insists everything be done their way, including type of employment. Refuses to allow any interference with raising the children.
Unfortunately the people we marry are not always forthright in who they are. They play a role until the ring is on your finger, or many times we are blind to reality. I have to admit, the second time around we are best friends and extremely happy. Too bad we didn't find each other the first time.
I understand things you bring up can and do happen. Alcoholism, abuse etc but don't you think it would be out in the open well before 25 years? I believe way too many people just want a change and believe the grass will be greener on the other side of the fence.
I don't understand why marriage isn't an option, here. If you really feel she's your "soul mate", then what's the real issue? If it's financial and inheritance related, insist on a pre-nup, draw up new will and living wills, etc. Marriage may have little real value (other than social security or possibly other pension benefits) at your age, but it still has symbolic value for many. If it's fear of what could happen to the relationship, and you want an easy out, then don't marry her - or get that pre-nup and do marry her as you'll still be able to bail with minimal impact.
Its not going to calm ALL of her fears even if they were to get married , because its too easy to bail from a marriage and she knows that. Theres many people who jump from marriage to marriage because they no longer experience the titilating feelings they had in the beginning of each marriage. Real love is experienced in and thru commitment, and not on conditional transient feelings .
I don't understand why marriage isn't an option, here. If you really feel she's your "soul mate", then what's the real issue? If it's financial and inheritance related, insist on a pre-nup, draw up new will and living wills, etc. Marriage may have little real value (other than social security or possibly other pension benefits) at your age, but it still has symbolic value for many. If it's fear of what could happen to the relationship, and you want an easy out, then don't marry her - or get that pre-nup and do marry her as you'll still be able to bail with minimal impact.
Yeah....shes his 'SoulMate' for life so long as he feels that way about her next year . Otherwise, all bets are off then onto the next 'SoulMate' !
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
