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Totally different though...he was totally upfront.
Yeah. I think you HAVE to be upfront about something like that. I would totally question a person's character if they chose NOT to mention something like that during earlier conversations.
I have a similar story but she was not missing a limb, she was deaf/mute. Saw this girl and thought she was gorgeous. Approached her and started talking. All she did was smile and nod her head. Noticed that something was wrong and someone who was with her told me she was deaf/mute so she interpreted for us for our brief introduction. Met again and with a notepad started communicating. I would write something, she would write back, we would pass the notepad back and forth.
As time passed by, she started teaching me a sign or two. Later on, she bought me a sign language book, which I still have with me. The more I learned, the less I wrote in the notepad. We started liking each other more and more. Until one day, I just felt I didn't need the notepad anymore. I still remember the look on her face when she wanted to tell me something and with her hand she motioned a writting movement, obviously expressing "I want to tell you something, where's the notepad?" and I, with my hands, signed "It's ok, I don't think we need the notepad anymore". Beautiful experience.
I agree with the whole dishonesty thing and the unmanaged diabetes. Diabetes is a thing to take seriously and when they've had a limb amputated b/c of it, it tells me that they probably haven't done what they're supposed to do--for years and years and years. I'm not judging them b/c maybe I don't always do what I should either but it would tell me that we're not likely to grow old together so why take a chance?
I would have no problem with dating an amputee. However, I WOULD have a problem with his not being up front about it. Why hide the truth? If the amputee actually cared about his potential partner, he would not put her in such an awkward position.
I would have no problem with dating an amputee. However, I WOULD have a problem with his not being up front about it. Why hide the truth? If the amputee actually cared about his potential partner, he would not put her in such an awkward position.
I agree, I would want no secrets. If there are....it was never meant to be.
I am pretty open about my disabilities online, but I can understand people that aren't. I'm also pretty upfront that online communication is probably the easiest our communication will ever be, should we ever decide to meet in person. And I tell them that if we pursue any sort of in-person relationship, they will have to learn tactile sign language.
Quote:
Originally Posted by PJ8
I would have no problem with dating an amputee. However, I WOULD have a problem with his not being up front about it. Why hide the truth? If the amputee actually cared about his potential partner, he would not put her in such an awkward position.
I can see how it sounds like dishonesty not to be upfront about the leg thing, but sometimes you want the other person to get to know you first. I like the fact that online I at least have the choice. Imagine going out every day and everyone stares at you constantly. They watch you go to the bathroom, they watch you order your drink, they watch you read, they watch you talk, they watch you everything. Some learn to not mind it anymore (and for the most part, I don't mind it anymore either), but none of these people really know you or care about you. They're just interested in seeing how you do things because you do them differently, which is understandable. Curiosity is a part of human nature, but with this, most people make visibly disabled people feel like all there is to them is their disability, even if unintentional.
Do you know how rare it is to have someone communicate with me that is actually interested in getting to know me? 99% of questions I get are about my disabilities. And that's only of the people who try to talk to me. Most people will try to watch me reading braille from a foot away, thinking that since I'm blind I don't know they're there. So you can only imagine how much of a relief the Internet can be. Sometimes I just want to get to know someone and know if they're interested in me just for me. Sometimes I want to know that they're not just talking to me cause they feel bad, or are only interested in my deaf-blindness. The Internet levels the playing field.
Try not to see it as a character flaw or about caring about a potential partner. Maybe it's an attempt at a more accurate way of seeing if things will work out with a potential partner.
Quote:
Originally Posted by stepka
I agree with the whole dishonesty thing and the unmanaged diabetes. Diabetes is a thing to take seriously and when they've had a limb amputated b/c of it, it tells me that they probably haven't done what they're supposed to do--for years and years and years. I'm not judging them b/.
Yes, you are. I wouldn't be so quick to assume the progression of diabetes is a result of irresponsibility. Each person's body is different. Some diabetics get away with being irresponsible, some pay the price. Others are responsible and benefit from it and yet others are responsible but still things happen to them. Diabetes is genetic for a lot of people and so their health isn't always directly correlated to how responsible they are with their health. It's not fair to assume and judge until you know the whole story.
So to answer the question, if this person seemed like a nice, interesting person all around, I would continue to date them. Whether or not I dated them would have to do with their personality and if we got along, not with the wheelchair or diabetes.
Last edited by nimchimpsky; 07-30-2010 at 10:25 PM..
I have a similar story but she was not missing a limb, she was deaf/mute. Saw this girl and thought she was gorgeous. Approached her and started talking. All she did was smile and nod her head. Noticed that something was wrong and someone who was with her told me she was deaf/mute so she interpreted for us for our brief introduction. Met again and with a notepad started communicating. I would write something, she would write back, we would pass the notepad back and forth.
As time passed by, she started teaching me a sign or two. Later on, she bought me a sign language book, which I still have with me. The more I learned, the less I wrote in the notepad. We started liking each other more and more. Until one day, I just felt I didn't need the notepad anymore. I still remember the look on her face when she wanted to tell me something and with her hand she motioned a writting movement, obviously expressing "I want to tell you something, where's the notepad?" and I, with my hands, signed "It's ok, I don't think we need the notepad anymore". Beautiful experience.
This is such a great story. Thank you for taking the time to learn sign language. It makes a world of difference cause finally the burden of communication isn't all on one person.
Yes, you are. I wouldn't be so quick to assume the progression of diabetes is a result of irresponsibility. Each person's body is different. Some diabetics get away with being irresponsible, some pay the price. Others are responsible and benefit from it and yet others are responsible but still things happen to them. Diabetes is genetic for a lot of people and so their health isn't always directly correlated to how responsible they are with their health. It's not fair to assume and judge until you know the whole story.
No I'm not. My father had pretty wildly uncontrolled juvenile diabetes towards the end, and though he was fairly responsible with it in that he never got overweight and ate a low carb diet, he drank quite a lot more than he should have and we lost him at age 57, as he was facing amputation. So I am not just spouting this stuff off the top of my head and I'm not making snap judgments about diabetics, and blaming the victim--it's been too close to my life.
The fact is though that I know plenty of diabetics--type 2 usually, mainly from a part of the country where it's more common and very few of them do what they're supposed to do. They eat all the dessert they want to and rarely exercise and they're aging at an incredible rate. It's gotten so common that people don't take it seriously anymore and they reason that if their b. sugar gets too high they'll just take more insulin. I have a close friend with it and she's only 1-1/2 years older than me but she is getting so decrepit that she can't keep up with the rest of us anymore--it's like she is 20 years older. Since she married her husband 5 years ago, they have both put on at least 50 lbs and both are diabetic and both will make a pan of fudge and sit and eat it while watching TV. It's romantic but I can't see either of them living to a ripe old age.
So, it's not the amputation per se, but the fact that the person was not honest, which I can understand, and probably won't be able to keep up with you and will likely have a shortened lifespan that would concern me as much. Am I being mean about it? No I am not, but I want someone to grow old with, and I would imagine that we all would unless we're just out dating for fun, but even then you risk falling in love with them. I realize that everyone is different and many people get away with poor control of their disorder, and some people don't, which is why I said they "probably haven't done what they're supposed to do." Would I be mean and walk away? No I would not, but I wouldn't pursue it any further than a friendship either.
Oh, and here's an icky story about diabetes and amputation. I'm not telling this to be funny but to show how seriously things can get out of whack when an amputation is necessary. There was a woman in the hospital I worked at years ago who had to have an operation called a hemicorporectomy. They amputated her lower body at the navel. It was awful and she died a few days after the surgery but when I got the full story, I discovered that she'd started with getting both feet amputated, and then each time further and further up her legs. So, she had had a series of operations before she got to that point, but she never did what she was supposed to do. She was a rather thin woman but she smoked and drank to excess and only ate junkfood.
I can understand that there are cases where diabetics conditions get worse because they weren't doing what they were supposed to be doing. I know you're not just pulling things out of your ass. But as long as you just treat him as "another diabetic" and not as "this person in particular," then you are making assumptions and judgments based on what you don't know.
You still don't know if this particular case was a case of being irresponsible, or if he was one of the unlucky ones that did everything he was supposed to do but still had to get amputated -- until you ask. There are lung cancer patients that have never smoked a day in their life. There are diabetics that do everything they're supposed to do but their condition progresses anyway. So all I'm saying is find out the guy's story. Was he responsible? Was he irresponsible before and got amputated but now he's much more responsible about his health because he learned his lesson? Is he still being irresponsible?
It's a lie of omission. Just like if I didn't tell you I weighed 600lbs. Or had something else radically wrong with me. I would wonder about the diabetes thing too. If they already lost a leg, what next?
I understand why someone would do this. It gets old always being rejected before you even have a chance. But that doesn't make it right. Some people can cope with a disabled partner, others can't.
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