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As an Italian-Australian, seems not much is different. Most of those who immigrated in the 50's/60's kept that idealogy not realising that Italy itself if far more progressive these days.
Re the OP: he has to stand up to his mother --- in the right way, and explain to him that this is America, and this is how things are.
She's only getting away with it because no one will tell her otherwise.
He can start by not calling every waking moment that he arrived at every journey, then by staying out past 11pm - seriously! he's 24!!
He needs to tell her that she is stopping him from becoming a man - does he have sisters? I pretty much told my mum that any daughter in law was going to hate her if she didn't stop babying my brothers ..... she stopped.
It is very much cultural - I am often "accused" of being Italian because I have many traits - well of course I do, I was raised in an environment with LOTS of Italian-Americans - neighbors and cousins - close friend cousins. Momma comes first and one doesn't disrespect one's parents - boy or girl. One can argue - even loudly - but one doesn't show disrespect. For him to disregard curfew would be a blatant disrespect.
Obviously OP's boyfriend is putting his education first - above all else. Even to the point of not standing up for his personal freedoms - such as staying out late and spending too much time with OP.
OP, talk with him. Stop arguing with his parents, it isn't your place. You don't have to like them, but you DO need to show his family respect. Whatever problems you and your bf are having are between you two and not between you and his parents. If his mother badmouths you, you have options: you can leave (if it's her home), you can politely ask her not to speak to you that way, or you can refrain from being in those situations. Disrespecting his parents repeatedly WILL end your relationship.
So my 24 year old boyfriend has the worst overbearing mother of any man I have ever dated. I could literally write a novel on the madness I've dealt with over the 3 years but I'll try not to overwhelm you. I just need some advice and dont know what to do anymore. Keep in mind I've graduated college and were looking to move in together and planning on getting married when he graduates next year.
So like I said hes 24 (here are a list of the rules, as I know them, that he has to follow according to her):
1.) Cant spend the night at my house during the week
2.) Cant spend the night with me more then once a week
3.) Has to be home by the time she goes to bed on nights hes not staying over my house (11pm)
4.) If hes off work he has to attend every family event (their Italian and there's a TON) aka Christmas and thanksgiving he CANT go to my families house
5.) Has to call everyday when he gets to school or work in the morning and when he gets home
So unfortunately they have him by the balls because his dad gets full tuition reimbursement for college for him and so he has to continue living at home and abiding by their rules in order to go to college for free. So were in a pickle.
There have been many arguments between me and him, him and his parents, and his parents and I over the past 3 years, and so I've given up. Monday thru Thursday we dont see each other so it appeases his mother and he can do all of the family things and avoid the drama. Which leaves Friday Sat and Sun for me and him to hang out. This makes it difficult for me to gauge what its going to be like living with him
Vent over. Any suggestions? Anyone ever dealt with this kind of situation? (Fells like more of an overbearing father with daughter situation reversed)
Oh and one more thing, she cant stand me because "I take time with him away from her" and I dont want to have children so she doesn't think I'm the right girl for him (even though hes expressed to me he has never had any desire for children either).
LMAO. The dude is 24 YEARS OLD!!!! I get the whole thing about the tuition and them owning his balls but who says that kind of overbearing crap is going to stop when you two move in together or get married? Oy vey! LOL I'm sorry, I dated an Italian guy and it was a nightmare (his family) so that ended sooner than later LOL
You've invested a lot of time though - if he's strictly abiding by their rules and not bending them at all then I'd be concerned. If to their faces he's like "oh sure Mom and Dad, I'll be your *****" and then behind their backs he's doing what he wants anyway then that shows promise .... LOL
My thought is get out now LOL but good luck, keep up posted!!
You need to make it very clear to him, RIGHT NOW, that you won't tolerate that behavior once he's out from under their financial thumb. If he's lived his life that way for 24 years, there is no doubt in my mind that he will always be that way. Disappointment is the worst feeling in the world, and if he's already citing that as a reason for doing what he's told - nothing is going to change that. It's a fundamental trait he has within him to not want to disappoint, even to the point of giving up his own love life. Cultural ties have a lot to do with that behavior - it's not only his feeling of responsibility to his mother, but the heavy burden of cultural responsibility to his family. Be prepared to deal with that.
i dont know what shes been telling him but his reasoning for doing everything they ask of him is "i dont want to disappoint them". In the back of my head i'm thinking if i lived my life concerned about disappointing people i'd be tied to a chair facing a corner.
How much longer before this guy graduates from school? What is his major and planned career? Is he on track to become a doctor or a lawyer? And once he graduates, what is the likelihood that he finds a well paying job right away? Ideally, he should be planning to get a job that takes him out of state and away from his family. And that will give him a chance to cut his ties to his mother and gain his independence.
But... if he has several years more of schooling or he is planning to live in the same city as his parents do after his graduation, then dump him now and find yourself a new boyfriend.
Also, if you are planning on marrying him, accept that you are also marrying into his family. If you hate his mother now, it's going to be worse later on. And it's not worth playing tug-o-war with his mom over your boyfriend's loyalties.
I feel that as long as he is living at home and being a student, he's in no position to change the dynamics of his current situation. Not since his parents are footing the bill for his schooling.
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