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I know this is all about opinion and dissection, so let's take a look at a couple of things here:
First, your friend didn't say she'd LEAVE for a man who paid attention, she said she'd have an affair with a man who paid attention.
Big mistake on her part, that particular bit of phrasing, IF her intention was actually to shake him up rather than it merely being manipulation.
Leaving is a threat of shaking up one's lifestyle, telling them you're reaching a breaking point and you're not going to tolerate a particular kind of behaviour anymore. Obviously there are people out there who abuse it; my father threatened every conflict with divorce, was a real jerk about it. However, saying you'll leave someone is a cry for help.
Threatening to have an affair? Oh, my-my-my! She just told this man (regardless of the condition of their marriage and how she feels about it) that she has no respect for him. Worse, she basically told him that she's willing to sleep with another man while staying with him for the purpose of rubbing his nose in it. Colour it any way you want, THAT is what the threat of an affair is when you bring it out in the open that way: You're saying I have the power to not only swat you with the paper, but to rub your nose in it.
I'm NOT defending the man; I have no idea what this facade of a marriage is really like, I don't know him or her, I'm taking no sides. I'm evaluating the question itself with regard to your friend's situation when I say...
With those words she set in motion the beginning of the end if this man has ANY spine whatsoever. She just spat in his face with the biggest F-U imaginable.
You say in a later post you're sure she loves him, just wanted to shake him up.
Personally, I'd have to cast the shadow of doubt on that alleged love; no one with any real commitment to the relationship goes there, not like that, not if they really plan on things working out.
For one thing, IF he gives in because of this, she'll lose all respect for him, feel like she can play hard poker anytime she wants and he'll knuckle under. And trust me, if he knuckles under over this, he's a wimp who will knuckle under for anything she wants from here on out.
For another, one simply doesn't throw that kind of blatant disrespect at a person they love. Where there is no respect there honestly is no love. There may be things we commonly mistake for love, such as passion or some form of dependence, but there IS no love without respect.
If a woman ever said that to me I'd probably freeze in place as the import of what she'd just said washed over me, cold and dark... and then I'd say "It was OVER the second you said that. Pack your things and get out NOW."
All that men sleep on the couch, men are the ones who move out stuff... Sasquatch doesn't play that, not for a second, and Sasquatch doesn't play the game where you say heinous, unforgivable things and then want to back-pedal, either. There's the heat of the moment and then there's something like that.
You just filed yourself in the archives, baby -- you are history.
Nkiller agrees. I'll add "Don't let the door hit you on the way out".
Have you ever threatened you SO with an affair if they didn't change?
Threats don't get you anywhere. End the marriage if your that miserable. Move on and find a man who respect you and will give you all the love you need for who you are and not take advantage of you for just being there.
I'd have to agree with the majority here and say that sort of behavior is both selfish and destructive to any sort of relationship. I actually had the same thing happen to me recently (last week), and believe me, it wasn't an enjoyable experience. Unfortunately for me, instead of standing up and telling him to get the hell out, I wimped out and gave in to what he wanted. I will not, however, EVER forget what he said, nor will I ever trust him again. If he said he's willing to cheat on a highly stressed out and clinically depressed woman just because she's not had the drive to "put out" lately, then I have ZERO reason to trust him or think that when he's out "with his buddies" he's not screwing someone else. It smacks of simpleminded selfishness and disrespect that he cares about none of my feelings or my personal health and well-being and instead cares ONLY about when he's going to get his d*** wet next. Not the kind of relationship I ever planned on, nor the kind of person anyone sane would want to be with. Relationships are meant to be built on mutual trust, love, and appreciation; this has turned into quite the opposite of that, and sadly enough in far too short a time.
That, coupled with some things other people have been telling me lately (such as heavy flirting even with my own sister!), is setting up my case for the Big D when I finally find myself in the financial situation for it.
I believe that anyone who throws around the suggestion of an affair has already got a candidate in mind and they are sending out precursor warnings
that are intended to cover their asses once they have made the decision to stray. As Jesus said, "if your eye causes you to hunger for fine booty,
pluck it out" (or something to that effect). The usual chronology is to take on the affair and the lover and then look for that moment when you can focus
on some insignificant issue in the relationship and use that point of reference to justify the affair that you were having anyway. Nowadays, we just can't speak
our minds, there are too many ramifications, kids, child support, self identity, rediscovery and a cadre of reasons to stay in the darkness of mind that causes one
to hand out ultimatums like "If you can't please me, I'm going to find someone who can".
A friend of mine called me the other day. She & her husband have been having some difficulties in their marriage for the last year or so. She feels taken for granted, not loved (you know the drill) after 13 years of marriage. She told me that she said to him that "if he won't start appreciating her, she will have an affair with someone who will".
I asked her how that went down and she only said "We'll see".
Have you ever done this or heard of someone who has? Does this strategy actually work?"
Ultimatims rarely work. The only person you can force to change is yourself.
I find that to be childish and immature. Is that her attempt to make him care? I think she is going to fail.
If she is unhappy, get a divorce! You shouldn't have to tell your spouse to satisfy your needs otherwise you will look for love somewhere else. It doesn't work that way!
There wasn't one person who actually thought this type of threat would actually have any real positive effect on him.
Here is an update (and for the record the last I'll post on my friend's personal situation):
This incident had NO EFFECT at all.....He didn't react, didn't argue or throw a "tantrum", didn't leave, hasn't talked about it, nothing - NADA. He is carrying on his day to day (maybe biding his time), talking to her about the lawn and the kids and she is devastated. Right now she can't really begin to comprehend that his behavior, in general & not just this incident, likely means he has no interest in the marriage. That's all that I'll say on them specifically.
There wasn't one person who actually thought this type of threat would actually have any real positive effect on him.
Here is an update (and for the record the last I'll post on my friend's personal situation):
This incident had NO EFFECT at all.....He didn't react, didn't argue or throw a "tantrum", didn't leave, hasn't talked about it, nothing - NADA. He is carrying on his day to day (maybe biding his time), talking to her about the lawn and the kids and she is devastated. Right now she can't really begin to comprehend that his behavior, in general & not just this incident, likely means he has no interest in the marriage. That's all that I'll say on them specifically.
No, he has not interest in changing to save the marriage. If he ever did, she killed it with her ultimatum. She's either going to go through with it and the marriage will end or it will continue as it is. The choice is hers. He has declared, quite loudly, he is not going to change.
Seriously, if you're in a relationship and you require your partner to change to remain faithful to the relationship, it's time to move on.
There wasn't one person who actually thought this type of threat would actually have any real positive effect on him.
Here is an update (and for the record the last I'll post on my friend's personal situation):
This incident had NO EFFECT at all.....He didn't react, didn't argue or throw a "tantrum", didn't leave, hasn't talked about it, nothing - NADA. He is carrying on his day to day (maybe biding his time), talking to her about the lawn and the kids and she is devastated. Right now she can't really begin to comprehend that his behavior, in general & not just this incident, likely means he has no interest in the marriage. That's all that I'll say on them specifically.
He is biding his time.
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Nkiller agrees. I'll add "Don't let the door hit you on the way out".
Have you ever threatened you SO with an affair if they didn't change?
