Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Well, because it's complicated, op. You have assets together, children together, memories together, in-laws/family together...and you may really love the person and be great friends, so you are comfortable. What's missing is probably something you can get from someone else, but that is usually taboo...
That's the problem when we expect our marriage partner to be everything to us. No one person can be everything to you - your partner, your mother, your brother, your best friend...you need different people in your life because they all bring something unique that speaks to a different part of you.
How did they do it in old-style european marriages? You marry your partner and friend, but you have affairs for romance, excitement, passion...
Asking for everything in one package is pretty unrealistic for most people. There are some lucky few. In the end, the wise ones will realize they have a pretty good thing going with a reliable old friend and good partner, and they will stick around and honor their commitments.
I guess because people with a lot of experience realize that relationships all tend to end in the same place of entropy over time, some less benign than others. That great woman or man met after (or before) unloading the "baggage" of a previous mate tends to become baggage of a different sort over time. IOW, the hot new woman/man that looks so good now is one that will be tiresome to the point of despair in X years down the road without constant intervention of one type or another. This reality in and of itself is a significant factor in staying with the "devil" that you do know and can stand, versus one that could be far worse.
So what to do? Either pursue relationship after relationship to keep the romantic thrill alive or the unsubstantiated but widely held belief in the possibility of self actualization through a single transcendent relationship which is disruptive as h*ll to one's life's goals or marry a real friend and partner and be dedicated to working on that partnership to make it all that it can be as CArizona so astutely pointed out.
People just make their choices. With some, there are such diminished expectations that a long term marital arrangement barely contains friendship. While you and I might find that unacceptable, some find it the better alternative to constant warfare, and if that's been their experience in relationships, it would seem like a rational choice.
Getting out isn't easy even when there is compelling need much less for a journey of life improvement. Setting aside the legal system and fairly common religious beliefs for a moment, consider that often unsatisfied spouses still care about their mate to some degree, often greater than they are willing to admit even to themselves. There are more than occasionally other family members (besides children) to consider, as well as the ability to actually live and function out there as a single person. There is no guarantee that getting out of an otherwise dull or unfulfilling relationship will result in a more positive outcome in an uncertain future.
Inertia, fear, dependance and the safety of the routine are all reasons people stay in tired shop worn relationships but having said that I think people get the relationships that they tend to deserve especially these benign, dull relationships where no one is really happy but they aren't completely miserable either. Maybe each person is a failure enough in themselves that they are aware that they are enough of the cause of the relationship dysfunction to correctly identify the risks to themselves should they end it for a stand alone life. I think this is the cause of so much "bed hopping" trading one partnership haven for another because so many people are truly incapable of living alone.
What will it take to make a better life within or outside of the marriage? Energy, insight, courage and the willingness to change and take risks. Often failure to launch just indicates a lack of energy to make a life in addition to a living.
That's how I see it from my corner of the universe. In the interest of full disclosure I am happily married 18 years (it's not perfect but we are best friends and partners) and I have a self initiated divorce from a decent man but an early made poor match in my distant past. It ranks in there as one of my best decisions ever.
My son was in a live-in relationship with a young woman that everybody loved years ago...One day he called me on the phone and "broke down" and said that he hadn't been happy for a long time but was afraid to leave...He felt that everyone would hate him and call him a "meanie" for leaving such a sweet and wonderful woman...I had seen some signs that "all was not well" in their relationship before he called but I didn't want to say anything or butt-in...They weren't really a good match after all..She walked around shut-down a lot of the time and I know this drove him crazy because he liked to talk everything out....He developed TMJ and other health problems due to stress...I had been concerned about him for quite awhile so I'm glad he called me...I told him to honor his feelings. I told him that he "knew best" for himself.....Thank goodness they weren't married. ....Some people did put him down for leaving her but he fared ok in the end....His girlfriend didn't shed many tears...She hooked up with another guy right away....She wanted someone around but she didn't really know how to be close to anyone. ...My son didn't want to settle for a "comfortably numb" type of relationship. He wanted "more" and his girlfriend just wanted a "body" in the house and someone to help pay the bills and a "guaranteed date" for social functions etc.
As far as political marriages go....I think it's time that we demand more integrity from our elected officials....They are not kings or queens....What's "good for the goose should be good for the gander." Don't you think?
I don't care if elected officials have phony political marriages. I just prefer they be honest about it. I can't the "family values" crowd who go on and on talking about the sanctity of marriage when they don't even bother taking their own vows seriously. Newt Gingrich led the charge against Bill Clinton for cheating on his wife while he himself was cheating too.
Quote:
Originally Posted by stan4
Asking for everything in one package is pretty unrealistic for most people. There are some lucky few. In the end, the wise ones will realize they have a pretty good thing going with a reliable old friend and good partner, and they will stick around and honor their commitments.
I'm not referring to the people with unrealistic expectations. Obviously those people will never be truly satisfied. What I'm referring to is the people who don't even have what most of us would consider "the bare minimum." You're on the outside looking in and you can tell those two people would be much better off without one another. There's nothing compelling keeping them together like kids, a house, or a business. And yet, despite looking clearly unhappy, they still stay.
You're on the outside looking in and you can tell those two people would be much better off without one another.
I there is one thing I know for sure, no one on the outside looking in has a clear picture of what happens inside a relationship like marriage. You might have a clue, but you don't know for sure and could be completely surprised at the hidden dynamics that hold it together.
You're on the outside looking in and you can tell those two people would be much better off without one another.
I there is one thing I know for sure, no one on the outside looking in has a clear picture of what happens inside a relationship like marriage. You might have a clue, but you don't know for sure and could be completely surprised at the hidden dynamics that hold it together.
Your premise is faulty.
Just because you don't have all the facts doesn't mean you don't have enough information to render an opinion. If I see a couple where the husband is abusive, I don't need to know what else is going on in that marriage to know that the wife shouldn't with him.
Some people put on a "front" with their peers and act like they don't care about their spouse all that much in order to "fit-in."...I've seen this go on with both sexes...I know that I have looked like a freak and weirdo when I've spent time with some of my female friends...especially in group situations...The women take turns "ragging" on their husbands at times and call their men "babies" and laugh and joke etc...I didn't want to join in and always left when things got out of hand...I've seen this go on when male friends get together....They start "ragging" on their wives and crack jokes etc....It's just not "cool" to admit to caring about one's spouse in these type of groups...No one wants to look like a traitor or "Benedict Arnold" by saying positive things about their spouse in public....This is why my husband and I became loners...or we hung out with couples who didn't think it was a crime to admit that they loved and needed each other.
I understand that people will often pretend to dislike their spouse more than they do. Among guys, it's kind of expected that you badmouth the "old lady" or "battleax at home". But usually you can tell when it's just talk and when it's real.
One thing I just thought of is how some people, even people who aren't married, are afraid to be the one to end it. Sometimes it's hard to be "the bad guy" and say they want to end the relationship. I've seen a number of my friends do this. They get into a relationship with someone, but then eventually want out. Only they can't seem to find the courage to say anything. I suppose part of it is because they don't want to hurt the other person. But of course, that person's going to get hurt anyways and will probably hurt worse if you drag things out. It's one thing to end it after a couple of dates. It's another to let it go on for months. While most people can be pretty blunt (sometimes brutally) about what they want, there's a subset of people who would rather procrastinate than do what they know they have to do. I can see people with kids doing this. They tell themselves they want to end the marriage, but they rationalize staying. They tell themselves that it would be hard on the kids, that it would be expensive, too messy, etc. But those are all excuses. They put off dropping the bomb until tomorrow. But when tomorrow arrives, they do the same thing. And before long, they've just gotten used to being in that unhappy marriage or relationship. I think back to the movie Back to the Future where the mom looks over at the geekish dad McFly and wonders why she's even with this guy. But she doesn't seem to be in a hurry to run out the door either.
My wife and I recently saw a counselor recently over an Elephant in the room issue we were having trouble discussing and make go away. One of the questions she asked is...
"Are you putting enough into the marriage to maintain the bare minimum or too have the relationship grow and thrive ?"
Upon reflection, we found recently we were putting in just enough effort to just maintain the bare minimum. After this was pointed out, we've been working hard at it making it grow and thrive.
We were comfortably numb, complacent and distracted.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
