Recovering jealous and controlling part 3 (wife, marriage, women, love)

[hope1er]

Okay so it's been a while and those of you who know my story will now get updated. I AM GREAT. I really am, I mean I have my days and there are times when I get my jealous and controlling feelings and thoughts but for the most part I have a handle on it. I am happy with myself right now and I think that has alot to do with my self control. I am realized something. I realized that I have alot to offer and that if my wife ever decided to leave me or cheat on me that it would be her loss. I am handsome, in shape, I have a great job, my kids are just about grown, I am spontaneous, funny, playful, I love to do my part in the relationship, i mean I cook, clean and wash dishes. Gosh almighty I am a pretty good guy. For a long time I didn't realize this and I forgot what self worth was. You know I wasted alot of energy being a jealous and controlling idiot. Something interesting is now going on in my marriage now.... For those of you who do not know my story I have a couple of past threads that explain my past six month journey, My wife left me for four months and in that time I went through a personal transformation that has been incredible, I have changed jobs and my attitude toward life,ANYWAYS, The tables have turned and my wife is having a hard time with my change, I think she feels threatened by it. She has become extremely jealous, just today I caught her checking my phone and my call log. She apologized but I know the damage this kind of jealousy can cause, I have caught her checking on other things and she always says that she won't do it again and that she trusts me but then she pulls another stunt like she did today....In the time of our separation I focused on myself and nothing else but I think she believes I was talking to someone else. I think she feels guilty that that she does not show me attention and that I will get it from someone else. She herself has told me that and I tell her that I love her the way she is and that I understand that she is the way she is. i don't like the jealousy because I know the damage that it can cause. Is it normal for her to act that way. Tell me what you think I know this is kinda of a rant but I'm just writing off the top of my head...

[Mr.Cat]

I just read this and had the urge of having a Coke.

[virgode]

The dynamics haven't changed, just a role reversal, not a mutually trusting relationship and maybe it never was.

Shes not accepting the change in you for what it is, suspicious and looking for other reasons. In her mind it points to an affair, you were seperated.

I'm guessing she thinks you want her there for the kids or other motives. I'm surprised she hasn't worked out the issues with your marriage counselor.

[CRAZYSEXYCOOL]

I went through a big change also, and my wife could not see it for what it was worth. Did the jealousy thing and that is one of the reasons she left me. But now I get to listen to her cry on the phone about how her new SO has put cell spy ware on her phone, drives her back and forth to work everyday to make sure she goes home. Jealousy is a very bad thing that can push someone away.

[GeorgeLucasLongLostChin]

I don't understand the point of being jealous. I used to be when I was a kid, but now I just think it's a waste of effort and time. And I don't trust my GF all that much. We cheated on each other at the beginning of our relationship, when our feelings for each other were not so clear. She might cheat on me again and I'm not 100% sure I will never ever cheat on her either.

But regardless of what happens, worrying about it won't change the outcome. Actually, jealousy is more likely to make people cheat than anything else. You trust their bad side and plant that idea in their head. You think you have control but in fact, you have the exact contrary.

Jealousy is for people who put their ego above everything else, including their SO. That does not seem like love to me.

[hope1er]

Yeah we had a long talk yesterday, well started off as a argument then as a talk, you see since the seperation and the reconciliation she has been very one sided, everything she does is acceptable and I have had no say in it at all because if I don't like it or disagree it's controlling. So fine she can talk to whoever, go to lunch with her friends whenever, get text from her friends (men) whenever, and I have accepted it and to be honest it really doesn't bother me, but it bothers me when I do the same thing if I get a text from a friend (woman) or I ask a friend(woman) how she is the world comes crashing down. This isn't fair.I never had personal friendships with women before because I would worry about what she would think, so I never put myself out there to carry friendships with women, I mean don't get me wrong I have alot of friends that are women but I always set my boundaries very thick,UNTIL I realized that my wife felt that it was okay to carry personal friendships with men so I thought COOL it's not a problem. But now I realize that it is not that way she can and it's okay when when men text her and ask her how she is and what she is doing, but if that happens to me eyebrows go up. If I ask her why a guy would be texting her she says that theres no problem with it that it's just a friend and that I should trust her but if its the other way around "i'm doing something. I'm just not liking the situation at all.

[Djuna]

I'm glad you pop back now and then to update us on progress or lack thereof.

I have to say I was skeptical at first but you have obviously made changes and have kept an open mind and heart.

You are definitely a work in progress. Good luck!