Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Something I said in another thread brought this to mind and I began to wonder not only whether anyone else ever had something like this happen, but what's behind the reasoning which pervades society?
Many years ago during my first marriage, we lived in Italy in a nice little villa out in the country. One would think anyone could be happy with something like that but my ex- was one of those people who prefer controversy and unhappiness.
One night as we were preparing to go to bed she began to argue. It was pretty common that I need not even participate in arguments, she had vehemence enough for both of us. I'd try to reason, she'd twist it and go flaming off in new directions; it was typical of that marriage. People who learned we were married were often openly surprised and more than once I heard of remarks like "They're married?!? How? He's so NICE!"
Anyway, at one point in her tirade she announced loudly that I would be sleeping on the couch.
She'd gotten loud and vicious enough that my initial reaction was to actually take pillows, sheets and a blanket and go prepare a bed on the couch. As I stood out in the living room and began to make my bed however, standing there and silently fuming over this nonsense it suddenly hit me: I had done NOTHING wrong and had even tried to reason with someone who refused reason. Why was I the one sleeping on a couch which was not especially comfortable in the first place?
The thought hit me for the first time way back then:
Why is it always (said PARTIALLY tongue-in-cheek, since I'm sure there are exceptions) MEN who are told they'll sleep on the couch? Why is it MEN who seem to most commonly be the ones moving out when there's contention of that level in the household?
In my case I finished making up that bed and when I returned to the bedroom to more snarls and snide remarks from her, I scooped her up, threw her over a shoulder and, without a word, carried her to the other room and unceremoniously dumped her on the couch. She lay there staring up at me, stunned, and I turned, marching back to the bedroom and slamming the door.
Fifteen minutes later she was back in the bedroom, meekly standing in the door and saying in a quiet voice that we should really try to work this out.
So... Anyone else have experiences like this? And anyone want to offer conjecture why it's typically men either sleeping elsewhere or doing the moving out? I know I'LLnever do it again (I moved out at the end of that marriage and the witch sold most of my non-military belongings out from under me over the course of two days; I let it go because ANY price was worth paying to be away from her) and I always advise men against it but I still see it happening with alarming regularity.
1. A woman views the house as her nest and feels territorial about it. I think that's basic animal instinct; men tend to have a wider scope of territorialism, i.e., their property or land.
2. Social norms perpetuate the "man is in the doghouse" dynamic. This probably stemmed from chivalric notions that gentlemen should inconvenience themselves for ladies (e.g., give her your jacket if she is cold).
1. A woman views the house as her nest and feels territorial about it. I think that's basic animal instinct; men tend to have a wider scope of territorialism, i.e., their property or land.
2. Social norms perpetuate the "man is in the doghouse" dynamic. This probably stemmed from chivalric notions that gentlemen should inconvenience themselves for ladies (e.g., give her your jacket if she is cold).
How was that? Short and sweet!
Call me silly but I see a vast difference between give her your jacket when she's cold versus give her the house when she's witchy.
Because to women it is always the man's fault if there's an argument, hence the man got to sleep on the couch... women are never the ones who start the argument or is wrong
Call me silly but I see a vast difference between give her your jacket when she's cold versus give her the house when she's witchy.
You asked me explain it, not justify it. I do get territorial about my house, but I don't kick my husband out of bed. If I'm angry at him (and it's been a long time since it came to this), I sleep on the couch.
You asked me explain it, not justify it. I do get territorial about my house, but I don't kick my husband out of bed. If I'm angry at him (and it's been a long time since it came to this), I sleep on the couch.
Wasn't questioning you; was questioning the standard male acquiescence with regard to this, including my own acceptance prior to that moment of clarity.
At least you had the strength to enforce your choice of not sleeping on the couch. Your ex did not have that luxury. You were able to throw her over your shoulder and dump her on the couch. We only have your side of the story to go by, but you married someone who was difficult to deal with. Next time be more careful who you marry.
Urabn, i loved your story and how you dumped her on the couch...would have made a great movie scene!
i have never kicked my husband out of the room, and have no problem taking the couch
At least you had the strength to enforce your choice of not sleeping on the couch. Your ex did not have that luxury. You were able to throw her over your shoulder and dump her on the couch. We only have your side of the story to go by, but you married someone who was difficult to deal with. Next time be more careful who you marry.
Hmmm... Your phrasing says a lot.
Since my strength was a "luxury", one she was not afforded, d'you reckon not being a harpy WOULD have been a "luxury", one she could easily afford?
However, that's hardly the point. I was looking more for discussion on the whys and wherefores on the questions I posed, not chastisement from someone on the already-obvious failure of my marital choice in that instance.
Since my strength was a "luxury", one she was not afforded, d'you reckon not being a harpy WOULD have been a "luxury", one she could easily afford
However, that's hardly the point. I was looking more for discussion on the whys and wherefores on the questions I posed, not chastisement from someone on the already-obvious failure of my marital choice in that instance.
Sorry. I am small, and physical strength is intimidating to me.
Just refuse to move. Tell the person that you are going to sleep in the bed, and they can do what they choose. Don't move to the couch or move out if you don't want to. How can a woman force you to do either? I think men sometimes move out, so that the children will not have to leave their homes. Some men today, however, keep the kids and the woman moves out. I think a lot of times it does have to do with the custody of the children. To me the person who has the kids should stay in the house at least until the matter is settled.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
