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Nearly 3 weeks ago my wife of 27 years told me that she was in a midlife crisis and although I've been loving, kind, and a good provider she was bored with me and wants out of the marriage. She said she went from her father's house to my house, never mind the fact that I did too. We were both naive virgins when we married in 1983.
She said this has been building in her for the past 3 years. I feel so stupid now for not noticing sooner. I'm completely blindsided. I knew things were not as good as they once were, for 20-24 we were really, really close sharing everything with each. I'm a survivor of child abuse and N was there during my recovery and therapy. It's so hard for me to trust because of my childhood experiences, but finally I began to trust her. Now I can't help but feel that trust has been betrayed.
She put us in bankruptcy in 2005 with $73,000 in credit card charges. In 2008 I found out she had taken out some secret cards and charged up another $20,000. I took over control of all finances, which is one of her complaints against me now. A month ago she wanted separate bank accounts for "her" money.
I was laid off in 2009, but luckily I am very good friends with the managing partner of her firm and she approached me, not my wife, about a job. I took it, mainly because there was literally nothing else, but took a 50% pay cut from $76,000 to $41,000. Whereas before we were either equal in pay or I made just a bit more, now my wife makes twice my salary and she has come to look down on me. She has told me she has lost respect for me.
I have known her for 30 years and excepting the past few month, she was the single kindest person I have ever met. Now she is distant, overly friendly, overly happy and will not talk about anything other than small talk. She refused marriage counseling. What's weird though is I approached her last week and told her if she wanted a trial separation why not move in with one of her girlfriends and see what it's like to be on her own, no kids no hubby and see if this is what she really wants. But she refused that as well.
I'm left thinking that what she really wants is her current life, current house but me out of the picture. I'm feeling so sad and so scared. I've never dated anyone but N and I'm completely blown away by all this. When we're in bed at night all I can think about is how much I'm going to miss having someone next to me.
I don't know what I did wrong. I don't understand why this is happening. I hurt so bad. How long does this much pain last?
I read an interesting article in the Dallas Morning News over the weekend that pegs my wife perfectly:
dear friend i know many men like you, i am one of them. you could have been telling my story.
happened when i was 45. 17 years later, my life now is very very good.
im single. re divorce --- what is strange despite the high rate of divorce and so common a social pattern when it happens to us guys, we are stuned. we figure yeah other couples, but never me. get some counseling help. 12 step coda is a big part of that help if the counselor directs. we have lifted women to godlike status, time to stop.
take back your power. dont isolate. correct the thinking that resulted in this train wreck. now for the good news.per last nights CDF thread on new census, 43% of people in america over 18 are single. this means guys are getting smarter. the marriage/divorce ripoff merrygoround is coming to a groaning halt.
read this link especially patterns and characteristics http://www.sdccoda.org/
For whatever reason (mid life crisis, new man, ect) your wife is in a very selfish, self-centered place.
Clearly, she is not dealing with whatever the real problem is but has instead chosen to run from it. Her unhealthy emotional reaction indicates to me that she is strictly in some sort of "survival mode".
When dealing with people in survival mode you just have to remember how a drowning person often reacts to those trying to rescue them. In their panic they will drown their own rescuer.
Honestly, if I were you, I would simply refuse to cooperate with her in any of her plans until she agrees to sit down with you and a marriage counselor for at least 3 sessions.
Not saying this would change her mind about leaving (though it sounds like she's trying to drive you off so that she doesn't have to be the "bad guy" and leave), but, it might answer a lot of questions and force her to deal with whatever the real problem is if you could just get her to admit to it.
I agree!
I've read your thread. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I can only imagine how you must feel. I am truly empathetic.
Your wife did not just wake up one day and not want to be with you anymore even though it may seem like it right now. This has been brewing for awhile. She is facing mortality issues right now. She knows that her life is more than half over. She is in a selfish place. I'm sorry OP, but she is not likely to come out of it. She's going to stay there. Will she regret this someday? Maybe, but maybe not.
The best you can do is let her go. Stand up tall. Let her know you love her and you care, but you deserve better than this. Hold those memories you have of her close to you. She is still that woman. The problem is inside her not you. Sadly, there is nothing you can do about that. You've probably been a great husband.
Take care of yourself. It's hard to do, but you can do it. Respect yourself. Pick yourself up. Crying and begging her to stay will not keep her. It will drive her further away from you. Instead, remember who you are. Remember what you have overcome. I am a survivor of child abuse as well, so I know how difficult that must be for you still. OP, LOVE yourself.
This doesn't all have to be bad. This is a new chapter of your life. Open it up. It might surprise you. And, sometimes good bye is a second chance. Your wife may figure out down the road that she made a mistake in leaving you. This may open her eyes to what the two of you have. But, don't think about that. Think about you and your children. You can't make her decisions. She doesn't want counseling. She has made up her mind. She is leaving you, no doubt. Let her go. Truly I am sorry.
There are a lot of answers in that article for men who may be confused about this kind of thing. Many women are holding years of resentment and feeling trapped. She was showing signs with the overspending years ago, so that there is a major problem shouldn't be a complete surprise. She could handle this a lot better but you can bet she has been through her own emotional turmoil to get to this point.
I've read your thread. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I can only imagine how you must feel. I am truly empathetic.
Your wife did not just wake up one day and not want to be with you anymore even though it may seem like it right now. This has been brewing for awhile. She is facing mortality issues right now. She knows that her life is more than half over. She is in a selfish place. I'm sorry OP, but she is not likely to come out of it. She's going to stay there. Will she regret this someday? Maybe, but maybe not.
I know. She's told me she's felt this way for "years", I noticed a difference starting 3 years ago but I think a part of me was in denial. I regret that now.
I know her well enough after 30 years that yes I do agree that she's afraid of her own mortality. She'll be 55 in December, and I think there's still a part of her that's frozen at adolescence, and like an adolescent she's thinking only of herself, her wants and desires.
Sadly, very sadly, I agree too that she will stay there for a while. I think after it's all over she'll be surprised at the drop in lifestyle, she'll find that the grass really isn't that greener but she'll never let herself look back on what she gave up. She'll always look ahead and never really appreciate what she lost. Or maybe it's just that she didn't appreciate it as much as I did. Sometimes I wonder how real most of the 20-24 good years were. I'm afraid I'll never know.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Toxiclove
The best you can do is let her go. Stand up tall. Let her know you love her and you care, but you deserve better than this. Hold those memories you have of her close to you. She is still that woman. The problem is inside her not you. Sadly, there is nothing you can do about that. You've probably been a great husband.
You're right. She's asked me to let her go, and I'm trying. But I can't think about memories right now, those are way way too painful. All the times she let me hold her in bed, the hugs she'd give me when I was scared or down and just the day to day memories are all intertwined with a woman I've lost. One day I'd like to remember them but I can't do it right now.
I've been a flawed husband. I'm not beating myself up over it, but I have made mistakes, big ones that have led to where we are. And while I own those mistakes, I've apologized for those mistakes, I do agree with you that this is about her. Not me. I don't know why but that makes this thing all the more frustrating.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Toxiclove
Take care of yourself. It's hard to do, but you can do it. Respect yourself. Pick yourself up. Crying and begging her to stay will not keep her. It will drive her further away from you. Instead, remember who you are. Remember what you have overcome. I am a survivor of child abuse as well, so I know how difficult that must be for you still. OP, LOVE yourself.
Funny you say this. I'm taking my son down to visit my cousin in Houston. This is the first time in 27 years of marriage I've ever gone on a vacation without my wife. She's done it several times, but not me. I've always stayed at home and taken care of the kids when she went to England (twice) and France and Washington DC (twice) and most recently to Ventura. Now for the first time ever I'm taking 2 days to drive 4 hours to visit family. She wasn't real happy with me, not at all. But you know, I told her she wanted me to have my own life, she wanted her own life -- so viola! Wish granted. For some reason she tried to bully me into letting her come but I didn't do it.
But doing that, looking up hotels, looking up rates, mapquesting directions really gave me a shot of confidence. I got a really good rate at a place that's just a couple of miles from my cousin's house, complimentary breakfast, free wireless. Not bad I think!
I don't know why but I'm feeling so much better today! Today I'm thinking maybe I can survive this after all. I am doing something I want to do and I'm doing it for me. And it feels pretty good.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Toxiclove
This doesn't all have to be bad. This is a new chapter of your life. Open it up. It might surprise you. And, sometimes good bye is a second chance. Your wife may figure out down the road that she made a mistake in leaving you. This may open her eyes to what the two of you have. But, don't think about that. Think about you and your children. You can't make her decisions. She doesn't want counseling. She has made up her mind. She is leaving you, no doubt. Let her go. Truly I am sorry.
I've heard this several times. I hear that something may be better for me down the road. I said earlier in this thread that honestly I'll have to take that on faith. I foresee nothing but soul sickness for some time. God almighty I loved that woman with all my heart, all my soul, down through every cell in my body. Wrapping my mind around the fact that, that wasn't enough is going to be a tough one for me.
But that woman I loved so dearly and so tenderly, someone I would have cheerfully given my life for is already gone. But yeah I know she's leaving me. Or rather setting me up so that I am the one to file for divorce. Either way same end. And I grieve that more than I grieved for my step father and much more than I grieved the abuse of my parents.
I hope you're right, I hope there is something better. I am trying so hard to be grateful what I've been given so far in this life, but right now, honestly, it's so hard.
dear friend i know many men like you, i am one of them. you could have been telling my story.
happened when i was 45. 17 years later, my life now is very very good.
im single. re divorce --- what is strange despite the high rate of divorce and so common a social pattern when it happens to us guys, we are stuned. we figure yeah other couples, but never me. get some counseling help. 12 step coda is a big part of that help if the counselor directs. we have lifted women to godlike status, time to stop.
take back your power. dont isolate. correct the thinking that resulted in this train wreck. now for the good news.per last nights CDF thread on new census, 43% of people in america over 18 are single. this means guys are getting smarter. the marriage/divorce ripoff merrygoround is coming to a groaning halt.
read this link especially patterns and characteristics San Diego County CoDA Home Page
You're the third person I've told this story to that's mentioned codependency. I'm starting my first therapy session on Monday, so I think this is an issue I need to explore. If I am to start a new life, and maybe if I'm lucky find someone else one day, then I need to correct the flaws in me that led this marriage to this point.
But yeah that's it exactly. I thought this happened to other couples, not us. I'm trying to get out as much as I can. I feel like being around people, for one thing it keeps me from thinking about my situation and keeps the dark thoughts away.
But as I said earlier as I stand here today I wish to god I'd never gotten married. It's not an equal trade, the good times for this pain. The good years good. Very very good, the best one could imagine. But nothing can compensate for what I feel in my heart and soul right now.
I am sorry I never appreciated how painful divorce really is. I was smug in my own perceived "good" marriage, thinking I would never have to experience that. And I regret that arrogance now. I am someone who people have confided in and come to me with their problems for years. I only hope I was empathetic enough, I realize now I had no idea the depth of this.
For whatever reason (mid life crisis, new man, ect) your wife is in a very selfish, self-centered place.
Clearly, she is not dealing with whatever the real problem is but has instead chosen to run from it. Her unhealthy emotional reaction indicates to me that she is strictly in some sort of "survival mode".
When dealing with people in survival mode you just have to remember how a drowning person often reacts to those trying to rescue them. In their panic they will drown their own rescuer.
Honestly, if I were you, I would simply refuse to cooperate with her in any of her plans until she agrees to sit down with you and a marriage counselor for at least 3 sessions.
Not saying this would change her mind about leaving (though it sounds like she's trying to drive you off so that she doesn't have to be the "bad guy" and leave), but, it might answer a lot of questions and force her to deal with whatever the real problem is if you could just get her to admit to it.
Thank you for your feedback on this thread. Please know how much it means to me, how much more sane I feel. You are spot on.
But I think you know as well as I, if she just wants out or rather wants me gone (which is actually what I think), then everything else is just rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic.
At this point I feel I need to start taking care of myself, doing for myself and getting back who I used to be. Before the depression, before therapy and dealing with child abuse, I used to be a fairly confident, even cocky, guy. Not bad looking, in really good shape and although I was quiet I was not at all shy. I spoke if I had something to say, otherwise I'd just listen.
I lost who I was dealing with all the heavy duty stuff I would be facing the next 20 years. I need to find that guy again and then see where I am. If that can include another woman then that would be great but if not then that's okay too. I used to be perfectly okay doing things on my own. So if I was that way then, I can be again.
At least that's my goal as I sit here on Aug. 20. I have a feeling getting there will be a dark and dangerous journey.
I think in most cases and particularly in marriages of the young that last a long time there is an element of co-dependency. I know in mine there was. You sort of melt into the other person.
I'm glad to hear that you're taking this trip on your own as it's a confidence builder and bet you'll have a load of fun even if it feels a bit strange at first. This can be a peak at your new life. Also glad that you feel like being around people. These are all healthy things.
That intense love you felt for her must now be moved over to encompass yourself and your kids. I'm getting the feeling that you may end up with the kids when this is over. Everything is going to be akward for a while but keep pressing on to new adventures to open your life up and explore the possibilities.
Thank you for your feedback on this thread. Please know how much it means to me, how much more sane I feel. You are spot on.
But I think you know as well as I, if she just wants out or rather wants me gone (which is actually what I think), then everything else is just rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic.
At this point I feel I need to start taking care of myself, doing for myself and getting back who I used to be. Before the depression, before therapy and dealing with child abuse, I used to be a fairly confident, even cocky, guy. Not bad looking, in really good shape and although I was quiet I was not at all shy. I spoke if I had something to say, otherwise I'd just listen.
I lost who I was dealing with all the heavy duty stuff I would be facing the next 20 years. I need to find that guy again and then see where I am. If that can include another woman then that would be great but if not then that's okay too. I used to be perfectly okay doing things on my own. So if I was that way then, I can be again.
At least that's my goal as I sit here on Aug. 20. I have a feeling getting there will be a dark and dangerous journey.
Take it day by day, just like you would if you were grieving her loss by death instead of just divorce.
Glad today is a good day for you where you are feeling stronger
Yes, you are now on a long journey, but the trip of 10,000 miles has to start with the first mile
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