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Old 08-18-2010, 09:09 PM
 
23 posts, read 25,414 times
Reputation: 10

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Whyte Byrd View Post
Yeah, I missed this one. Really?Anyone who abuses a child's mother or father abuses that child and in a very profound way. Never think for one moment they don't see it. They often react in different ways than you might think, but they're a lot smarter than many obviously give them credit for. My brothers and sisters heard it. I responded to it by trying to stay out of trouble. I thought if I were better behaved, it might stop--the abuse to my mother. It had nothing to do with me though. Guess how old I was. Five. They know. And it IS abusive to them.
That's absolutely horrible to hear. I'm so sorry. I never saw it that way. That certainly isn't what I want here.
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Old 08-18-2010, 09:12 PM
 
Location: 39 20' 59"N / 75 30' 53"W
16,077 posts, read 28,480,388 times
Reputation: 18189
Quote:
Originally Posted by ReadyToDoThis View Post
My ex never used me for any sort of punching bag, he never once stuck his hands on me. And I would love to get a damn life, but if you can tell me how in hell I'm supposed to do that, it would be really appreciated. Yeah, I had a baby, and things sure as heck got tougher, but seeings I can't change that, I sort of need some solutions beyond a 6 week let's try to get you into hud housing program.

I don't agree with waiting to leave because of the risks, but I agree shelters don't involve enough time, but theres reason they work this way to give immediate help to women and they're children in danger, theres only so much space, they're not long term, but you'd be surprised what out there, some shelters do offer extended programs of 1yr.

There are options while waiting for HUD housing.

Long term non domestic violence shelters for women and children. By law in my state if you're displaced, your children can remain in the same schools if you're out of district. That means they have to arrange transportation for your child. Start making contacts and find out whats available. Day cares that accept state assitance so that you can work at least part time.

You didn't respond to this question posted by PassTheChocolate...so I'll repost.

I'm curious as to how you can go to school when you are not allowed to drive. I'm curious as to how a man who doesn't want you to work and sets the alarm so you can't leave the house would be okay with you getting a college education. If you can't get out of the house, you're not going to school. Or is there something I missed?
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Old 08-18-2010, 09:12 PM
 
23 posts, read 25,414 times
Reputation: 10
Quote:
Originally Posted by Braunwyn View Post
If they have a dad that would love to have them anytime, why aren't they with their father? This isn't making sense.
Because they're my babies. I want them. And though I've said throughout this forum that they are happy and don't know of anything beyond some arguments here and there, I was just confronted by another poster on how she was 5 and though it was behind closed doors, she certainly knew. So yeah, that excuse is out. I will do what I have to do to protect them, but handing them over to their dad is at the bottom of that list.
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Old 08-18-2010, 09:14 PM
 
Location: In my skin
9,230 posts, read 16,508,953 times
Reputation: 9174
Quote:
Originally Posted by ReadyToDoThis View Post
I sort of need some solutions beyond a 6 week let's try to get you into hud housing program.
So, what solution are you waiting for? Are you waiting for him to change since he's not hitting you as much? Not going to happen. Are you waiting for the state to move you into a fully furnished apartment in a nice neighborhood with nannies to watch your kids so you can stay in school? Not going to happen.

This is the reality, hun. You are in an abusive relationship. Getting out of it is not going to be a cake walk. If you truly have no family or friends to go to, you are going to have to go to a shelter. Period. It's not going to be comfortable, it's not going to be ideal, but it is not permanent. And if you have to get a full time job to support yourself and your kids, you had better do it. I don't see how doing so is such a horrible alternative to living the way you are right now. It is absolutely ridiculous.

And when I say you have no one to go to, I mean they absolutely will not help you - not you deciding not to go because you don't want to inconvenience them. If they are willing to help, accept the help.

I know it is not an easy decision. It is a toxic situation that sucks a lot of people in and keeps them in for various reasons. But you have a responsibility to those kids and at the end of the day, the law doesn't care what happened in your childhood or your past that brought you to this place. Those kids are going to be their first and only concern if you are not concerned enough for them.
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Old 08-18-2010, 09:16 PM
 
Location: CasaMo
15,972 posts, read 9,351,167 times
Reputation: 18547
Quote:
Originally Posted by ReadyToDoThis View Post
Yeah, you know, actually I do. When you can point out a single point in this forum in which I've lied to you or anyone else, you can then question that. Not only is he great with my children, he's great with every child I've ever seen him with. My daughter has him wrapped around her little finger. If me and him got along the way they did, we'd be doing much better. Please don't call my credibility into question. I haven't lied here or tried to deceive any one in any way. I came here for help, not to get solutions to a false scenario.
If he is acting nice towards your kids, he's not doing it out of the kindness of his heart. He is manipulating them!
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Old 08-18-2010, 09:16 PM
 
Location: Tucson
42,831 posts, read 88,002,320 times
Reputation: 22814
I still don't understand why staying with the grandparents can't be considered...
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Old 08-18-2010, 09:20 PM
 
Location: At the Lake (in Texas)
2,316 posts, read 2,548,907 times
Reputation: 5937
Quote:
Originally Posted by ReadyToDoThis View Post
Deep down I know this. I know I can't do this for another 2 1/2 years, but I don't think anyone knows what this is like if you haven't been there and done it. I was just like every other girl and swore I would never let a man put his hands on me. I still watch cop's shows and wonder why those women are doing it. I know how insane this sounds to an outsider, it sounds just as crazy to me.
Ready, I'm going to respond without reading the remaining responses, so please forgive me if any of this is repetitive.
First, consider this: If you are killed, do you really want your children to live with their biological father? Second, and listen very carefully: If you are DEAD, you won't be able to provide any kind of role model to them, and very likely this man you live with may hurt them as well...you may think "no", but never underestimate a man who will punch a woman and humiliate her like has done to you.
Shelters are all about helping women learn to live BETTER, just like you want to do. Get to the shelter FIRST, then take that time and help from others to decide how and where you go from there. Many shelters have resources that could put you IN your own apartment and get money to continue going to school and for childcare as well. There are many many resources available if you just give yourself a chance.
Don't wait; PLEASE go and go now. You have a chance for a wonderful life, with your education and as a role model and mother for your children.
If you stay, you have no chance whatsoever. PLEASE CALL FOR HELP AND GET OUT OF THERE.
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Old 08-18-2010, 09:20 PM
 
23 posts, read 25,414 times
Reputation: 10
Quote:
Originally Posted by virgode View Post
I don't agree with waiting to leave because of the risks, but I agree shelters don't involve enough time, but theres reason they work this way to give immediate help to women and they're children in danger, theres only so much space, they're not long term, but you'd be surprised what out there, some shelters do offer extended programs of 1yr.

There are options while waiting for HUD housing.

Long term shelters for women and children. By law in my state if you're displaced, your children can remain in the same schools if you're out of district. That means they have to arrange transportation for your child. Start making contacts and find out whats available. Day cares that accept state assitance so that you can work at least part time.

You didn't respond to this question posted by PassTheChocolates question...so I'll repost.

I'm curious as to how you can go to school when you are not allowed to drive. I'm curious as to how a man who doesn't want you to work and sets the alarm so you can't leave the house would be okay with you getting a college education. If you can't get out of the house, you're not going to school. Or is there something I missed?

Thank you. I looked up "(my city) women's shelter" and called the one listed but I will definitely look again to see if there are more with better options.

I did respond to that question, but this thread is getting long, so I see how you could have missed it. For this semester, I am doing online classes. I chose to so I want to leave, I don't have to worry about quitting halfway through the semester. Still though, he wouldn't stop me from attending classes, rather online or on campus. Yes, he is very controlling, etc. but me going to school has been in the picture since before me and him got together and he wouldn't stop me from doing so. Actually having a life is what he stops me from. He locks me in so I can't dare talk to people who live around us. We have a playground outside that I would love to take the kids to more often, but if he doesn't want to go, then it's out the question. So, when he leaves home, he makes sure that I don't by setting the alarm. I could go when he's here, though he would go to, but he rushes, doesn't like the heat, etc., and just makes it a miserable experience.
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Old 08-18-2010, 09:27 PM
 
Location: 39 20' 59"N / 75 30' 53"W
16,077 posts, read 28,480,388 times
Reputation: 18189
Quote:
Originally Posted by ReadyToDoThis View Post
Thank you. I looked up "(my city) women's shelter" and called the one listed but I will definitely look again to see if there are more with better options.

I did respond to that question, but this thread is getting long, so I see how you could have missed it. For this semester, I am doing online classes. I chose to so I want to leave, I don't have to worry about quitting halfway through the semester. Still though, he wouldn't stop me from attending classes, rather online or on campus. Yes, he is very controlling, etc. but me going to school has been in the picture since before me and him got together and he wouldn't stop me from doing so. Actually having a life is what he stops me from. He locks me in so I can't dare talk to people who live around us. We have a playground outside that I would love to take the kids to more often, but if he doesn't want to go, then it's out the question. So, when he leaves home, he makes sure that I don't by setting the alarm. I could go when he's here, though he would go to, but he rushes, doesn't like the heat, etc., and just makes it a miserable experience.
When you leave permanently...let the alarm go off.. the police will come by and then you have the opportunity to tell them what hes been doing. You can also make reports on the past crimes.
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Old 08-18-2010, 09:28 PM
 
23 posts, read 25,414 times
Reputation: 10
Quote:
Originally Posted by PassTheChocolate View Post
So, what solution are you waiting for? Are you waiting for him to change since he's not hitting you as much? Not going to happen. Are you waiting for the state to move you into a fully furnished apartment in a nice neighborhood with nannies to watch your kids so you can stay in school? Not going to happen.

This is the reality, hun. You are in an abusive relationship. Getting out of it is not going to be a cake walk. If you truly have no family or friends to go to, you are going to have to go to a shelter. Period. It's not going to be comfortable, it's not going to be ideal, but it is not permanent. And if you have to get a full time job to support yourself and your kids, you had better do it. I don't see how doing so is such a horrible alternative to living the way you are right now. It is absolutely ridiculous.

And when I say you have no one to go to, I mean they absolutely will not help you - not you deciding not to go because you don't want to inconvenience them. If they are willing to help, accept the help.

I know it is not an easy decision. It is a toxic situation that sucks a lot of people in and keeps them in for various reasons. But you have a responsibility to those kids and at the end of the day, the law doesn't care what happened in your childhood or your past that brought you to this place. Those kids are going to be their first and only concern if you are not concerned enough for them.
I understand what you're saying, but my fear isn't so much that they would be unhappy now, it's that (and I really hate to say this cause I certainly am not trying to put down on anyone's lifestyle or stereotype), but I was raised in the trailer park. It was drama, drugs, sex, etc. I'm scared that if I don't get my degree that I'm going to have to raise my kids in that. And obviously, I didn't come out too okay. Look where I am now.

I'm definitely taking everyone's advice here. I'm looking up more shelters and also considering relying on people for a period of time that I hate to burden. Of my options though, I just need to make sure I'm choosing the best one, and no, I don't mean the one that leaves me here.
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