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Old 08-28-2010, 04:34 PM
 
4,098 posts, read 7,085,947 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PassTheChocolate View Post
An interesting "What if....?" question presented to me today.

Your SO has an ex you cannot tolerate who becomes terminally ill. Would you be OK with them being in touch? Would you be OK with the SO visiting? Would you be OK with one final attempt at a friendship?

It would provide a clearer understanding if you could share why you dislike this person. I imagine it could be a violation of boundaries, unfinished business, an affair or the mere fact that he/she is an ex.

I also wonder if it matters if they have children in common.

Finally, have you ever been in this situation? If so, how did you handle it?
To me there would be a great deal of difference between my wifes exhusband and my exwife. If my wife's ex was ill, I would encourage her to visit him and encourage their children to visit him. In my eye's he is basically a good guy, just had a serious problem with alcohol that he could never over come. His present wife handles him well and is able to manage their affairs. If it were my ex wife, I would not see her under any circumstances. Before and during our divorce she was a terrible, hateful, vindictive person. I can't believe she has changed all that much, but I have nothing to do with her, so i don't know for sure. She saw faults in everyone around her, but not her own. She was a liar and a cheat. As far as I'm concerned she still is.
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Old 08-28-2010, 04:36 PM
 
68 posts, read 199,565 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sierraAZ View Post
That was very compassionate of you! Do you feel it had anything to do with the end of your marriage?
Thanks for the compliment! As for whether or not the situation had anything to do with our breakup: No, not at all. We split for other reasons. I'm glad I took the position I did and I actually think it was a plus for our relationship. My husband was genuinely appreciative.

Jill's illness provided what, to me, was ultimately a clear moral imperative - to be compassionate to the dying and the grieving. If only every emotionally-charged situation one faces in a marriage could be so simple....
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Old 08-28-2010, 04:50 PM
 
Location: So Cal
51,861 posts, read 52,259,765 times
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I think it would be a gesture of good will.

We're all gonna die one day, hopefully not of some awful disease. I think we should try to rise above some of our petty things, and try to see the humanity in us.

Visiting someone on their death bed would be a good start.
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Old 08-28-2010, 05:22 PM
 
19,045 posts, read 25,115,487 times
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I wouldn't have a problem with it. He should be there for her on her death bed. I'd be there for her too if she wanted. But, none of my dh's ex's have ever done anything to really hurt us, so it's easy for me to say.
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Old 08-28-2010, 07:50 PM
 
Location: Ohio
751 posts, read 1,668,927 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PassTheChocolate View Post
An interesting "What if....?" question presented to me today.

Your SO has an ex you cannot tolerate who becomes terminally ill. Would you be OK with them being in touch? Would you be OK with the SO visiting? Would you be OK with one final attempt at a friendship?

It would provide a clearer understanding if you could share why you dislike this person. I imagine it could be a violation of boundaries, unfinished business, an affair or the mere fact that he/she is an ex.

I also wonder if it matters if they have children in common.

Finally, have you ever been in this situation? If so, how did you handle it?
Never been in this situation but if I was secure in my relationship I don't think I'd object.
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Old 08-28-2010, 08:11 PM
 
Location: Outside always.
1,517 posts, read 2,312,321 times
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I wouldn't want to be married to a man who could not be compassionate to his ex when she is on her death bed, so I would encourage him to go make peace.
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Old 08-29-2010, 01:42 PM
 
Location: In the real world!
2,178 posts, read 9,550,479 times
Reputation: 2847
I'd be right there for my ex. We have remained friends and we have grown children. Just because we couldn't make it as man & wife, does not mean either of us are bad people. He is remarried and if he got a terminal illness, I'd be there until she ran me off.
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Old 08-29-2010, 03:25 PM
 
Location: New Hampshire
4,865 posts, read 5,655,497 times
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No, because ill or not ill, he will always be the same douchebag I once knew.
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Old 08-29-2010, 03:29 PM
 
Location: state of procrastination
3,485 posts, read 7,265,283 times
Reputation: 2912
Quote:
Originally Posted by PassTheChocolate View Post
An interesting "What if....?" question presented to me today.

Your SO has an ex you cannot tolerate who becomes terminally ill. Would you be OK with them being in touch? Would you be OK with the SO visiting? Would you be OK with one final attempt at a friendship?

It would provide a clearer understanding if you could share why you dislike this person. I imagine it could be a violation of boundaries, unfinished business, an affair or the mere fact that he/she is an ex.

I also wonder if it matters if they have children in common.

Finally, have you ever been in this situation? If so, how did you handle it?
It would be fine with me because it would be cruel not to allow some closure. But I highly doubt that my SO would want to contact any ex, especially if I don't like them.
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Old 08-29-2010, 05:26 PM
 
Location: southwest TN
8,568 posts, read 18,031,561 times
Reputation: 16701
My SO has 2 exes - the mother of his 2 daughters and the mother of his 2 sons. The exes belong to him and he needs to do what he needs to do. If he needed to have a last visit with either, whether for himself or his children, I will support him no matter what it is.

There is nothing that will interfere with our relationship except for us. We have different life histories and each of us needs to make decisions based on who we are.
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