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Old 09-01-2010, 02:38 AM
 
2,618 posts, read 6,169,379 times
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If anyone remembers me, I took a few months off from dating, so far it's been great! I have been unemployed and just enjoying the summer, but on the verge of landing a few job offers so everything is all good.

I ended up responding to an email that a woman initiated with me, she is the same age (27 years old). Date 1 went well, met for drinks, talked for 6 hours. Date 2 started out as a visit to the art institute which evolved to drinks at a local bar, then drinks later at a bar in her neighborhood, and then some heavy couch making out sessions at her place. Basically date 2 started at noon, and she gave me a ride home at 2:30 am. Date 3 she was able to squeeze in as she had a lot going on, but we found time to grab lunch and head to the zoo for a couple hours. She's busy with work and purchasing a condo, yet the 3rd date seemed a little weak (just didn't seem as much spark) but still enjoyable. This was last monday, and she mentioned being busy most of the week with work and plans with friends.

I ended up texting with her last wednesday and set up a dinner date for sunday night. Tried calling her Sat night, texted her again sunday morning to see if we were still on for dinner (we had not defined specifics like time and location yet), which she replied on sunday afternoon "sorry but I have too much going on and tonight won't work (sad face)".

Normally this would bother me and this is where things get hairy. So as previously advised, I just did what I felt like and I said
"hey, that's cool. I just want to let you know that if you're not interested in going out again then I understand, but I am up for going out again when you're available."
Her: "My life is just crazy right now, I'm game for hanging out again"
Me: "cool, I understand this time of year is always crazy"
Her: "Thanks for being sweet"

I actually don't feel any of the anxiety or worry I used to have. Let's face it, I'm really only keeping one objective in sight here which is basically to hook up with this girl. If a relationship develops and feels right then I'll roll with it, but I'm going to sound like a jerk and admit I'm only interested in sex from women right now. That's all I'm going for at this point.

So after those of you can get over the fact that I'm taking this approach as it is much easier emotionally, as well as I'm aware of the fact this girl could be doing the same thing as other women I've liked and dated, she may just follow suit and disappear on me completely.

I guess my question is that part of me wants to hold out, treat this girl out on another date and enjoy her company, maybe develop something and roll the dice on actually get laid the next time. Or: I can walk from this and just never call her again. Give up on it before it annoys me. For some reason I feel like she is blowing me off and she really doesn't want to go out again. Yeah, I know what she said, I gave her an out and she didn't take it. Howver, life experiences have taught me HER WORDS MEAN NOTHING. The facts are that she blew off the date just a few hours before and she hasn't contacted me since. My 6th sense says she could care less about seeing me again, and everything that's happened on our dates really can't be taken with any importance, none of it matters to her. Women have this ability to get really physical with a guy, spend all day with him, go out of her way to cook food for him, and even try to make date plans a month in advance with a guy that they don't have any interest in, which is what I think this girl is doing.

I don't know how else to explain it, I just feel it. I know she doesn't want to go out again and she's blowing me off. But the best part is that it really doesn't bother me. No chest pain, no lack of sleep, not something I think a lot about (I'm sure this long post doesn't help that argument, but I assure you I don't). I'm just an overanlyzer by nature, that aspect of my personality is never going to change. I'm just interested in getting out my thoughts and gaining any feedback or response. As you all know how much I value alternative viewpoints.

So have you ever been given a chance to end a dating situation or relationship and didn't? Especially when you knew you didn't like the person that way and it wasn't going anywhere? Have you dodged the easy chance to take the honest way out or did you cop out and disappear like a coward? Just curious to the other side of this situation's perspective.

I hope everyone and all my old forum friends are doing as well as I am!
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Old 09-01-2010, 06:06 AM
Ep-
 
2,080 posts, read 4,174,197 times
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dont really have any feedback on the original question since i value my time and dont spend it with people i really dont want to but its good to see youve taken a more chill approach to everything
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Old 09-01-2010, 09:12 AM
 
Location: Say-Town! Texas
968 posts, read 2,627,702 times
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a better thing would be, don't verbally mention "hey if you don't want to hang out again its totally cool" because that tells the girl that you were thinking about it in the first place and it gives off a lack of confidence.

saying "if you wanna hang out again its totally cool" tells her you're into her and you're putting the ball in her court. it also gives off just a bit of cockiness that women like, tell her you approve of her, but don't let her know how much.


also, i don't call back if she doesn't seem interested. if she is still interested and i'm out with one of her friends she'll say "you didn't call me back!" so i call her back and we're right back on track to dating again. make the girl chase you a bit.

getting rid of my anxiety was my biggest step so i'm glad you were able to get over it.
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Old 09-01-2010, 10:10 AM
 
2,618 posts, read 6,169,379 times
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I agree, I dont even like dating that much in the first place. This girl knows I'm open to going out again, and she broke the last date. If she really wants to see me again, she'll call me. I won't be calling her again.
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Old 09-01-2010, 10:16 AM
 
30,902 posts, read 33,055,262 times
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I personally wouldn't say another word. Move on to someone else. I think you're right on track there. Someone else will come along.
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Old 09-02-2010, 01:00 AM
 
4,868 posts, read 8,418,236 times
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I'm just confused that you say you like her, but all you want ultimately is sex. There's nothing wrong with that as long as you're safe about it, but I've never heard of a guy taking a girl out and courting her when that is all he wants and that is what it sounds like you're doing. Ultimately, I think you also sort of sound like you think you know what you want, but you really don't. Although, I'm glad you're not getting any anxiety, but I think that's a sign of you feeling more confident about the situation. I know when I feel more confident, I'm not as likely to feel anxious..I would imagine its the same for most people.

As for your original question, yes, I do take an out, especially if I'm given it when I don't like someone. I feel that it makes telling a guy I'm not interested in a lot easier for me to let him down easy. That's just me though. Some women stay aloof well into they're 30's so you never know what you're getting.
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Old 09-02-2010, 05:44 AM
miu
 
Location: MA/NH
17,770 posts, read 40,216,834 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JerZ View Post
I personally wouldn't say another word. Move on to someone else. I think you're right on track there. Someone else will come along.
^^^ This is what I'd do also. If she wants to see you again, she knows how to reach you. Let her make the next move.

Otherwise, I don't think that you should have given her that "out" and even said it that way. For some women, by saying that it might be that you like her more than she likes you, she may not be able to come out and agree with that statement. Women by nature hate to hurt the feelings of others. And just by not calling her up for dates anymore let's her know that she needs to take the initiative to get the friendship going again.

Plus why put her on the spot and make her stop and think about how she really feels about you? Before you gave her the "out", she might have really been too busy to have another dinner with you. Subconsciously, you were low on her priorities list, and now you are consciously someone that is low on her priorities list of people she wants to spend time with.

And after only three dates, you come across as a potentially clingy and needy boyfriend.

Next time, don't give your date an "out", just don't keep trying to ask her out again. Stop calling and let her make the next move. And if she calls you up weeks later complaining that you never called again, just say that your life has been really busy with work and other friends. And that makes it sound like you have a very interesting and full life without her. And she will feel special that you are making time to fit her into your life. And it shouldn't be a game, but actually your life should be busy with things other than dating.
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Old 09-02-2010, 06:18 AM
 
Location: NY metro area
7,796 posts, read 16,415,008 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by miu View Post
^^^ This is what I'd do also. If she wants to see you again, she knows how to reach you. Let her make the next move.

Otherwise, I don't think that you should have given her that "out" and even said it that way. For some women, by saying that it might be that you like her more than she likes you, she may not be able to come out and agree with that statement. Women by nature hate to hurt the feelings of others. And just by not calling her up for dates anymore let's her know that she needs to take the initiative to get the friendship going again.

Plus why put her on the spot and make her stop and think about how she really feels about you? Before you gave her the "out", she might have really been too busy to have another dinner with you. Subconsciously, you were low on her priorities list, and now you are consciously someone that is low on her priorities list of people she wants to spend time with.

And after only three dates, you come across as a potentially clingy and needy boyfriend.

Next time, don't give your date an "out", just don't keep trying to ask her out again. Stop calling and let her make the next move. And if she calls you up weeks later complaining that you never called again, just say that your life has been really busy with work and other friends. And that makes it sound like you have a very interesting and full life without her. And she will feel special that you are making time to fit her into your life. And it shouldn't be a game, but actually your life should be busy with things other than dating.
I'm in agreement with Miu.

I used to try the approach of quietly fading away aka "not taking the out' for fear of being "mean," but learned I usually had to come clean and tell them I wasn't interested because some guys just don't get subtle hints.
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Old 09-02-2010, 06:26 AM
 
37,680 posts, read 46,114,125 times
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I'm of a different mind. I think she DID take the out, just graciously without being mean about it. I doubt she will be calling you back. I expect the little make-out session on the 2nd date was either more than she wanted, or less than she hoped for, if you get my drift.
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Old 09-02-2010, 06:46 AM
 
Location: Corydon, IN
3,688 posts, read 5,019,963 times
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I'd say the following:

1. Good that you're not bent out of shape over this. Use this time and experience to learn -- about dating and about yourself.

2. Orincarnia was correct: You phrased that wrong, gave off a lack of confidence. Never say if you don't want to hang out I understand unless you're honestly TRYING to give them an out because you're no longer interested. It comes off hangdog, slightly pathetic.

3. This woman is working AND in the middle of attempting to purchase a home. Odds are she WAS interested at the outset. However, you've got to take an honest look at yourself. You're currently unemployed, only have "offers on the hook", not an actual job. This woman is WORKING on her future -- proactively. I'm not saying anything about you as a person BUT people who are being proactive about their own futures may be initially attracted yet they're forced to ask themselves where is this going? What potential does it have?

4. I won't speculate on whether the 2nd date making out session was "more than she wanted or less than she expected"; that would be total speculation, although it's where some people tend to go right off the bat. I'd be MUCH more likely to pay attention to the part where she had to give you a ride home. There's nothing wrong with public transportation and in some areas that's the norm -- but if she owns a car and you don't have one, it comes across more like a reinforcement of the fact that you're unemployed.

EDIT: If you do have a car, was hers pretty nice and yours a jalopy, so she felt more comfortable taking hers? Why didn't you take yours (don't answer that, just think about the answer) if you have one which is perfectly fine? Some women simply like to drive, be in control, but typically they prefer a man to drive on dates. [/edit]


Of note: I've mentioned two factors pointing toward the unemployment status. DON'T take this as a statement that women are "just material"; instead, remember that if you were gainfully employed and someone else hadn't been for a while, didn't have a vehicle so you had to ferry them around, etc, you'd (hopefully) be realistically hesitant too. Sure, the economy is tough and things are hard right now, but this woman cannot possibly know whether you're currently unemployed or habitually unemployed. You can tell her, but you could tell her anything. You could tell her you're not really a man at all but rather, a highly evolved form of bicycle. See? You could TELL her anything.

I wouldn't call anymore. Frankly, I think she's taking a pass on this one. In your shoes I wouldn't let it eat away at me BUT I'd ask myself whether I need to be actively dating (casual is fine, but pursuing more dates... not so much) while unemployed. It gives off a moocher signal whether that's your nature or not. Plenty of guys can come up with the dough for a few dates but a smart woman asks herself how long that will last rather than enjoying it and getting all caught up.
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