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My SO and I have been cruising along for nearly a year working hard to build a good relationship, having a great time, so on and so forth. He's wonderful, but no one, including myself, is perfect.
Well, occasionally I've noticed that he's gotten unusually angry at other people. Sort of seething angry, not yelling angry or physically violent. He gets mad at his dog when she misbehaves. Sometimes he seems so angry about certain things at his work that I really just wish that he'd take a deep breath and think things through a little better. Not that he's completely unjustified, but I feel like he's contributing to the problem by stonewalling them on issues rather than trying to build a consensus.
I know most of it is not my business and I've tried to be supportive. I've also played the devil's advocate on some issues when he and I were discussing things, just to give him someone else's point of view. In general he's handled it well. But what I had not done is talk to him about his anger -- except once, and it didn't go well.
But the other night we were discussing something and I felt it was finally time to bring up the anger again, how I wish he'd find a way to handle things differently.
Fast forward to the present moment. He's given it some thought, is seeking help, but now he's feeling that our relationship may be in serious trouble because I criticized his way of handling conflict. He thinks I'm trying to change him. He's hurt and now angry with me. He feels betrayed.
I feel like he's trying to get revenge by threatening our relationship. What a dolt!
For the most part, my husband is very quiet and shy. Get him around my friends, and he is a mouse. Get him around his family and he is fun-loving, talkative, even rowdy at times. Usually a soft-spoken person, he too gets frustrated with our dog (usually over her begging for food). He yells so loud it hurts my ears. I do anything to try to get the dog as far away from him at dinnertime as possible, but it doesn't always work. He also has an unwritten rule that she can't be in the kitchen with him which confuses her because she usually rests on the rug while I make dinner and I'm cool with that. Our poor dog is very confused and loves him but just doesn't know which way to jump. I've talked to him multiple times about his yelling. His response, "if she'd listen I wouldn't have to yell."
On the more human issues, and outside the house, my husband's anger issues usually don't leave his car. He has serious road rage sometimes, for stupid stuff. Half the time, he is yelling about something someone did when he did the exact same thing a minute prior. He gets frustrated with the elderly drivers, where I have all the patience in the world. I always remind him, "that will be you someday." I guess that is unless he has a stress-related coronary before then.
I think you did the right thing, by confronting this now. I admire you for speaking your mind and expressing your concern. Marriage and even long-term relationships can be lonely places when you don't feel free to express yourself. Let him be mad at you but let him seek help as well. Hopefully it will help him and improve your relationship together.
As someone who gets annoyed with idiots easily, gnashes her teeth, counts to ten, and then tries to let it go, I can tell you that I understand how he feels. I'm going to project a little bit and guess that he might be incredibly intelligent, an unpleasant side effect of which is to be incredibly impatient with people who do boneheaded things.
I don't know how you presented your "help," but trust me, unless you are well-practiced in diplomacy and conflict management (as in, trained in it), Type A folks generally react defensively to what they see as criticism of their personalities, especially coming from a significant other. If you expressed it the way you expressed it here--how you wish he'd find a way to handle things differently--you're lucky he didn't tell you to eff off. It's not about you and your wishes. It's about him and what he's dealing with.
This is not to say that you should completely ignore it, but I am saying that when it comes to issues that you freely admit are none of your business, then they are none of your business and not your concern. You've been dating him less than a year. You don't know his financial situation, the inner workings of his family, and the issues he is dealing with at work. At this point, the best you can do is learn. I worked with an absolute jackarse moron chit-for-brains for over a year, and every day, I wanted to bash her head into a wall at least two or three times. Once my family and friends knew what I was dealing with, they said, "Oh, gawd, yeah, you should be canonized for not killing her by now. How do you deal with it?"
So you are far better off asking him what the jerk at the office did and validating his feelings about it, like, "You mean that jerk did [whatever]? Sheesh, yeah, that would drive me up a wall, too." Then you can ask him, "What do you think you should do about it? Aside from leaving pieces of shrimp to rot in his potted plants and stink up his office, I mean."
Point being, if you really want to help, validate, get him to come up with his own solution, and diffuse with humor. That's what worked with me, and I'm glad it did, because I really didn't want to go to jail for defenestrating my ex-boss.
P.S. Red, your solution is not to let your dog in your kitchen, period. Having a dog there while you are cooking is an accident waiting to happen.
Last edited by Yzette; 09-01-2010 at 01:05 PM..
Reason: I can haz split infinitives?
My SO and I have been cruising along for nearly a year working hard to build a good relationship, having a great time, so on and so forth. He's wonderful, but no one, including myself, is perfect.
Well, occasionally I've noticed that he's gotten unusually angry at other people. Sort of seething angry, not yelling angry or physically violent. He gets mad at his dog when she misbehaves. Sometimes he seems so angry about certain things at his work that I really just wish that he'd take a deep breath and think things through a little better. Not that he's completely unjustified, but I feel like he's contributing to the problem by stonewalling them on issues rather than trying to build a consensus.
I know most of it is not my business and I've tried to be supportive. I've also played the devil's advocate on some issues when he and I were discussing things, just to give him someone else's point of view. In general he's handled it well. But what I had not done is talk to him about his anger -- except once, and it didn't go well.
But the other night we were discussing something and I felt it was finally time to bring up the anger again, how I wish he'd find a way to handle things differently.
Fast forward to the present moment. He's given it some thought, is seeking help, but now he's feeling that our relationship may be in serious trouble because I criticized his way of handling conflict. He thinks I'm trying to change him. He's hurt and now angry with me. He feels betrayed.
I feel like he's trying to get revenge by threatening our relationship. What a dolt!
Typically when people are easy to anger or are unusually angry all the time there is something deeper going on. I would see if he's interested in talking about "things" and then see if he's willing to seek out counseling.
Typically when people are easy to anger or are unusually angry all the time there is something deeper going on. I would see if he's interested in talking about "things" and then see if he's willing to seek out counseling.
Typically, they're stressed out, feeling pulled in 40 million directions at once, and feel like they have no control over their lives. That is why, while the chaos is going on, a significant other being anything other than a cheerleader and sounding board will backfire. That's my experience, at least. While I was dealing with that idiot ex-boss, indeed 90% of the idiots who worked for that company, I was fit to be tied. Fortunately, my guy understood. "Too bad you can't do what we can at my job with our idiots."
Typically, they're stressed out, feeling pulled in 40 million directions at once, and feel like they have no control over their lives. That is why, while the chaos is going on, a significant other being anything other than a cheerleader and sounding board will backfire. That's my experience, at least. While I was dealing with that idiot ex-boss, indeed 90% of the idiots who worked for that company, I was fit to be tied. Fortunately, my guy understood. "Too bad you can't do what we can at my job with our idiots."
"Which is?"
"Tell'em to eff off."
"Yeah, that wouldn't go over well in an office."
"That's why I don't work in an office."
"Good point." And now I work at home.
Since I usually agree with most of your other opinions, Avienne, I'll take what you're saying seriously, to a point. You are projecting, a little.
I've kept my mouth shut about the anger for a long while.
I've seen and heard enough about what's going on at his work to see that there are plenty of people there with their own political agendas, and none of them are fools.
Neither of us are type A personalities. We're both strong type B's. I'm not his mother and I'm not a cheerleader. His anger issues are spilling over into our personal space. There are things he can do; there are strategies for handling conflict in the corporate world. I'm asking him to figure out what to do. I'm not telling him what to do because it's not my job, but he has to figure out how to handle this. He will either lose his job or die of a heart attack if he doesn't.
As for the dog, it's not my dog. If he hasn't trained her to behave she won't. Getting mad doesn't help.
My worry is if he doesn't learn better ways to handle conflict, eventually his anger will be directed at me and I'll be the dog in the relationship.
Edit:
And I know this short version of things sounds cold. In reality we're quite loving and supportive of each other but I'm so frustrated!
For the most part, my husband is very quiet and shy. Get him around my friends, and he is a mouse. Get him around his family and he is fun-loving, talkative, even rowdy at times. Usually a soft-spoken person, he too gets frustrated with our dog (usually over her begging for food). He yells so loud it hurts my ears. I do anything to try to get the dog as far away from him at dinnertime as possible, but it doesn't always work. He also has an unwritten rule that she can't be in the kitchen with him which confuses her because she usually rests on the rug while I make dinner and I'm cool with that. Our poor dog is very confused and loves him but just doesn't know which way to jump. I've talked to him multiple times about his yelling. His response, "if she'd listen I wouldn't have to yell."
On the more human issues, and outside the house, my husband's anger issues usually don't leave his car. He has serious road rage sometimes, for stupid stuff. Half the time, he is yelling about something someone did when he did the exact same thing a minute prior. He gets frustrated with the elderly drivers, where I have all the patience in the world. I always remind him, "that will be you someday." I guess that is unless he has a stress-related coronary before then.
I think you did the right thing, by confronting this now. I admire you for speaking your mind and expressing your concern. Marriage and even long-term relationships can be lonely places when you don't feel free to express yourself. Let him be mad at you but let him seek help as well. Hopefully it will help him and improve your relationship together.
Thank you, this is what I'm hoping for. It's not easy but it is important.
My SO and I have been cruising along for nearly a year working hard to build a good relationship, having a great time, so on and so forth. He's wonderful, but no one, including myself, is perfect.
Well, occasionally I've noticed that he's gotten unusually angry at other people. Sort of seething angry, not yelling angry or physically violent. He gets mad at his dog when she misbehaves. Sometimes he seems so angry about certain things at his work that I really just wish that he'd take a deep breath and think things through a little better. Not that he's completely unjustified, but I feel like he's contributing to the problem by stonewalling them on issues rather than trying to build a consensus.
I know most of it is not my business and I've tried to be supportive. I've also played the devil's advocate on some issues when he and I were discussing things, just to give him someone else's point of view. In general he's handled it well. But what I had not done is talk to him about his anger -- except once, and it didn't go well.
But the other night we were discussing something and I felt it was finally time to bring up the anger again, how I wish he'd find a way to handle things differently.
Fast forward to the present moment. He's given it some thought, is seeking help, but now he's feeling that our relationship may be in serious trouble because I criticized his way of handling conflict. He thinks I'm trying to change him. He's hurt and now angry with me. He feels betrayed.
I feel like he's trying to get revenge by threatening our relationship. What a dolt!
You are trying to change him.
He handles things his way. You don't like it and so you want him to change. It's as simple as that.
If YOU cannot accept him for who he is - and the way he handles his anger issues, then you need to move on. Trying to make someone change because of something that YOU don't like is simply wrong.
By the way, my husband is a Scorpio and gets VERY, VERY angry over the most inconsequential things. He believes that the world should be perfect and is very upset and disappointed when things happen. I just take a deep breath and pick up a magazine. In a few days (or sometimes a week) he gets over it until the next event occurs. I have learned to accept him and live with it, even though it is sometimes difficult to do so.
He handles things his way. You don't like it and so you want him to change. It's as simple as that.
If YOU cannot accept him for who he is - and the way he handles his anger issues, then you need to move on. Trying to make someone change because of something that YOU don't like is simply wrong.
By the way, my husband is a Scorpio and gets VERY, VERY angry over the most inconsequential things. He believes that the world should be perfect and is very upset and disappointed when things happen. I just take a deep breath and pick up a magazine. In a few days (or sometimes a week) he gets over it until the next event occurs. I have learned to accept him and live with it, even though it is sometimes difficult to do so.
20yrsinBranson
You mean I just have to put up with it? Holy crikey! That's the only solution?
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