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I recently started dating a man a couple of months ago. We are both divorced and middle-aged so we know a little about life but I find myself feeling like I am without a clue. First I will admit that we allowed the situation to progress to an intimate level too quickly. However, we communicate well...he is better at it. We have talked about how we feel...we both feel as if we are falling in love and it has been a long time since either of us were in relationships. We are great together and we have a bond beyond the physical but he scares me.
The problem is that he has an "unconventional" job...I'll leave it at that (nothing illegal!) and he is on call 24/7. In the time we have been "dating" we haven't been one one date. Unless you count shopping at a discount chain for a few items and looking at furniture a date! I mean, we haven't been "out" on a date. I have cooked for him twice, given him cards, taken lunch to him and still nothing. He often tells me he will call and I don't hear from him when he says. We talk about doing something like going to the show or traveling and nothing. I don't want to keep bringing things up and being the one to suggest things either. I KNOW he isn't married, that isn't an issue. What is that I FEEL like I am dating a married man! With 24 hours in a day, how busy can any one person be?
I am NOT a passive person but I really like this guy and so I am all out of my element. I want to broach the subject but don't want to be emotional. I mean, I HAVE dated before and they ALWAYS made time for me. If we were busy working (I am not unemployed) during the week, we planned to spend time together on the weekend. During the week I would have dinner once or twice or maybe dinner and a lunch.
I am at my wits end. He seems to be transparent with me yet I find myself wondering. He is highly sought after by many women because of the public nature of his occupation but he has told me that he wouldn't have started talking to me if he was seeing someone else. I even saw a lady on his Facebook page and noticed that she and I have been in the same vicinity when he is "working" but I have never asked if they were once involved. He however, had no problem asking me if my ex was pining over me as he "couldn't seem to stop thinking about him" and felt like there might be some reason he should at least be alert about him (there was nothing).
I don't know if I am being overly emotional because for once I have found someone that I truly feel head over heels for and it is causing me distress or what. I have been single for five years; he has been single for over 12 years. He is from the South, I from the midwest. Any suggestions on how I should handle this? I was thinking of not answering the phone or making myself less available but I don't want to play games! I am just at my wits end. Suggestions please! (I apologize for the length of this post -it's my first)
From what you've posted, I'd pull back and observe his actions. Time will answer a lot of your questions.
I don't know what you're looking for but I would be wary and guard your heart. He is "highly sought after" by other women yet he has remained single for over 12 years. That would indicate to me that he's not looking for a committed, long term relationship.
P.S. Stop cooking for him. Stop sending him cards. Stop buying him lunch. Stop making it so easy for him to use you.
Last edited by boodhabunny; 09-05-2010 at 01:34 PM..
Sounds like you are a booty call to me. I agree with the previous poster: time to pull back. He'll either step up his game, or disappear. (I would place my bet on the latter.)
The problem is that he has an "unconventional" job...I'll leave it at that (nothing illegal!) and he is on call 24/7. In the time we have been "dating" we haven't been one one date. Unless you count shopping at a discount chain for a few items and looking at furniture a date! I mean, we haven't been "out" on a date. I have cooked for him twice, given him cards, taken lunch to him and still nothing. He often tells me he will call and I don't hear from him when he says. We talk about doing something like going to the show or traveling and nothing. I don't want to keep bringing things up and being the one to suggest things either. I KNOW he isn't married, that isn't an issue. What is that I FEEL like I am dating a married man! With 24 hours in a day, how busy can any one person be?
Actions speak of love. Not words. You're doing all of the work here, and it sounds as though he's doing very little. The man who really wants to be with you shows you in a variety of ways--by wooing you, courting you and taking you out to spend time with you. Don't let this become one-sided, or else you'll feel used and eventually resentful.
I really don't think so. He isn't one of "those" types. He is really looking for a wife. He has told me that he see's a future with us and that he can see himself growing old with me. He doesn't talk idle talk with me it is just I think he has been a single pastor for so long and not having been in a relationship in over 12 years, he hasn't had to split his time. He isn't hiding me or anything. He has met my family but I am just frustrated because the relationship is so different. He doesn't hold himself up before the congregation as some "perfect man", in fact he speaks openly of his struggles just like the rest of us. His reputation in this city is spotless in terms of that. No rumors or children running around. Anything I ask him is is honest in telling me. He has told me so many things and had so many deep conversations with me to get to know me for who I am. I just am not used to not spending days with someone I date. He has admitted that he is awful at balancing his life/time. Perhaps the fact that I am unemployed at present has given me too much time to ponder this. He calls me generally every day, several times a day. He values my input. He took me out to conduct some business to get my opinion. Unlike OngleNYC, I DON'T think he sees me as a booty call (but thanks for NY spin).
Actions speak of love. Not words. You're doing all of the work here, and it sounds as though he's doing very little. The man who really wants to be with you shows you in a variety of ways--by wooing you, courting you and taking you out to spend time with you. Don't let this become one-sided, or else you'll feel used and eventually resentful.
Yes, I agree. Its time for him to step up to the plate and make arrangements for a real "date." I would leave the physical part out for a few dates.
Ugh. It sounds like you've become another member of his flock.
Yes, he is.
I really don't think so. He isn't one of "those" types. He is really looking for a wife. He has told me that he see's a future with us and that he can see himself growing old with me. He doesn't talk idle talk with me it is just I think he has been a single pastor for so long and not having been in a relationship in over 12 years, he hasn't had to split his time. He isn't hiding me or anything. He has met my family but I am just frustrated because the relationship is so different. He doesn't hold himself up before the congregation as some "perfect man", in fact he speaks openly of his struggles just like the rest of us. His reputation in this city is spotless in terms of that. No rumors or children running around. Anything I ask him is is honest in telling me. He has told me so many things and had so many deep conversations with me to get to know me for who I am. I just am not used to not spending days with someone I date. He has admitted that he is awful at balancing his life/time. Perhaps the fact that I am unemployed at present has given me too much time to ponder this. He calls me generally every day, several times a day. He values my input. He took me out to conduct some business to get my opinion. Unlike OngleNYC, I DON'T think he sees me as a booty call (but thanks for NY spin).
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