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I have been divorced for almost 2 years. And I have been dating. One of my friends told me today I dump men for minimal things and that I should just "settle". She told me I am becoming bitter, that I should make an effort to accommodate.
I know, I am picky. I try not to invest time or effort and as soon as I see a red flag I bail out. Maybe I am not ready to be with someone again. But she got me thinking, should I settle? Settle for whatever I can get?
I don't know. Does not sound like a good idea to me. But I realize I am not getting any younger.I just do not want to get divorce number 2.
Maybe you should spend some time working on yourself, the reasons you got divorced, the reasons you dump men and are not willing to put in the effort to make a relationship work.
No one wants to be with someone who is "settling". They want to be loved and spend their life with someone who would go to then ends of the earth to support them and visa versa. People who settle are unfair to the other person in the relationship. Perhaps instead you should focus upon keeping your expectations of the capabilites of the person you are dating or considering for a long term relationship realistic.
No, actually I was very naive back in the day I was married. I had the mentality that "love conquers all". I became picky after the divorce
Picky is probably not the best word to describe you today and carries a negative connotation. Maybe words such as wiser, more careful, cautious, better gut feel, etc would be more appropriate.
I'd bet if she had said it in a more positive way you would have agreed and said "Yes I am, thank you"
I look at it as wisdom acquired the best way, from hard lessons.
Maybe you should spend some time working on yourself, the reasons you got divorced, the reasons you dump men and are not willing to put in the effort to make a relationship work.
No one wants to be with someone who is "settling". They want to be loved and spend their life with someone who would go to then ends of the earth to support them and visa versa. People who settle are unfair to the other person in the relationship. Perhaps instead you should focus upon keeping your expectations of the capabilites of the person you are dating or considering for a long term relationship realistic.
The reason why I don't make any efforts is because I do not see potential in them. Or because they did not respected me. I think is a good reason.
But you are right. Maybe I should spent more time working on myself
She never claimed to be perfect. What is wrong in knowing what you want and trying to find it? Isn't that what everyone does?
not being perfect was a premise to establish that she's capable of misjudging someone. I simply meant it as a direct correlation. not an observation of her personally.
not really, I know what I want and I tell people (kind of bluntly) how I feel.
Like I don't want a man who sleeps around, who is not kind, or is not employed
My friend tells me all men are like that, all men have women on the side (they might but then why would I want to date a man like that), that as a woman you just have to deal with it.
I just don't think the same way. I guess we are different in that way. She has a son and she says like if her son is unfaithful to his wife it does not really matter because he is a man, and men have needs , stuff like that.
nah your friend sounds kinda dumb. seems like you know better so stick to that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mark303
Well, i don't know about that. #2 was distasteful and i'll give her that credit. #1 was extremely vague.
what i meant is it doesnt sound bad from her perspective. the two guys in the above scenarios sounded like obvious bail out material. doesnt sound like carol is being picky at all
You remind me of some women on these online dating sites, I usually think they are very picky but in reality, they are the ones that have issues.
For example, I will approach a woman online, we exchange a few emails, usually just good conversations about where they have lived, where they work, then suddenly, they just drop out, it is like, they want to find a perfect guy without becoming friends first!
The reason why this happens also is because they were "expecting" me to act a certain way or they found some "minor" thing about me that they did not like, or get turned off because I don't show interest right away DUH! If you one little thing that does not go your way is enough to make you move on to the next person, then you deserve to be alone for the rest of your life.
What I have found is that when I am honest and tell women exactly how it is, most cannot handle truth and honesty. Heck, some of these women will not reply to a guy's email even when they are interested on purpose just to see if the guy will try again.
I honestly think you should take a look at yourself FIRST, not saying you are one of these dysfunctional, emotionally unstable messes, BUT you may be the problem.
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