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A relative of mine use to be so beautiful and thin and sexy. But that was in the past. I was looking at her wedding photos the other day. She must have been maybe 120 pounds at 5 foot seven. She was so thin and so pretty.
Now fast forward 15 years and she is divorced, angry, bitter, and maybe 350 pounds. She looks terrible!
If that happened to your spouse could you stay interested?
NO. No I would NOT be interested. Now before the fat crowd get all up in arms with their "Oh what about your vows and for better or for worse?" or better yet "what if she gained the weight due to some medical reason and/or illness....blah blah blah..." like they always say. Well, if she gained weight due to some illness that was totally out of her control, of course I'd stay with her. But if she just got fat because she got lazy, slovenly, and lost all self esteem, then NO I would NOT be interested in her and the marriage will END.
Of course, I can never see it happening because we are both so into our health. If I had a "massive weight gain" like the op mentioned I would expect her (the wife) to feel the same way and end the marriage.
And another thing: Yes, it is. It is all about the person with the disordered eating. Study after study after study indicates that the people who are successful at losing weight are those who do it for themselves, which means making it about themselves. Not their spouses, not their kids. Themselves.
The last thing they need is some well-meaning but clueless friend or family member heaping guilt on top of their heads when they already feel enough guilt as it is.
But hey, while we're on the subject, ask anyone who has recovered from disordered eating, whether it's overeating, binging, purging, or anorexia. Invariably they will tell you it's about control. They feel it is the only thing in their lives they can control. It may seem counter-intuitive, because while it's going on they will look and feel out of control, but as someone else said, no one is tying them down forcing them to do it, which is what, through counseling and treatment by professionals, they come to understand. However, when the disordered eating starts, they may feel forced or coerced in other areas of their lives (do all the housework or live in filth of their husband's making) and they may feel overwhelmed with their responsibilities (kids come first, kids come first, kids come first).
So telling someone about how you would feel--making their issue about you--would be stripping them of control there, too. Dysfunctional, yes. But there it is.
And you do know that some people overeat to deliberately make themselves unattractive, right? Or to, as you say, commit slow suicide.
Again, control.
Dang, doesn't reality suck?
If it's all about the fat person, then the fat person shouldn't mind getting dumped - and indeed they should be happy to get the boot. Then they can sit there and eat those ho-hos, ding dongs and hot dogs unmolested.
Relationships are a two way street. Becoming so fat that your partner finds you sexually unappealing is the height of selfishness. If you dig your fat heels in on this one, expect to find yourself alone, and that's the way it should be.
If it's all about the fat person, then the fat person shouldn't mind getting dumped - and indeed they should be happy to get the boot. Then they can sit there and eat those ho-hos, ding dongs and hot dogs unmolested.
Relationships are a two way street. Becoming so fat that your partner finds you sexually unappealing is the height of selfishness. If you dig your fat heels in on this one, expect to find yourself alone, and that's the way it should be.
Is that how you talk to your friend? The one you claim to care so much about? Doubtful. But thanks for sharing how you really feel. I'm sure he'd love to hear it. I'm sure he'd love to know that you feel people who are overweight deserve to be alone and unloved. Funny, though, how there are plenty of overweight people who are happily married or in relationships. BTW, how are the personals working for you?
Tell you what--and this is coming from someone who is not obese by any stretch--I'd rather date someone who was overweight than someone with the attitude you display here. It is not only distinctly lacking in compassion, but entirely offensive and flat-out nasty and cruel.
Yep. Better hope it never happens to you.
Last edited by Yzette; 09-09-2010 at 09:53 AM..
Reason: Beauty is skin deep. Ugly goes right to the bone.
My ex gained up to 60 lbs while we were married. I still thought she looked good. I guess I was a bad husband by not chastising her and telling her to lose weight.
As described by Avienne, I can see that there may be external cause that influence the person's weight gain. However, it is still a passive-aggressive act, based in hostility for their spouse.
How is this different from cheating? Cheating is often rationalized in the same way, after all, and condemned by most. This is cheating by having an intimate, emotional relationship with food, rather than another person. If your spouse were cheating with another person, you would probably confront them. Both situations can destroy the foundation of the relationship, so the issue needs to be addressed by both - even if one must make the initial overture, even if for selfish reasons - or ask that they go for counselling.
Do you think it's right for a man to feel like he he has to tiptoe around his wife or be made to feel like certain subjects are off limits? I agree that someone who's overweight already knows it and doesn't need their spouse to remind them of that fact. But not saying anything can cause harm too. A buddy of mine has a wife with a weight problem. She's been out of work for 2 years. She sits at home depressed, eating lots of junk food and drinking. My friend never tells her to get a job or lose weight. But he's learned from some of her friends that she's actually passed up applying for jobs they've sent her. Why? Because she's been rejected so many times that now she doesn't even want to try. I'm sure you've seen people who do this with their weight. They try and fail, try and fail, until finally they just don't bother anymore because they're convinced they're just going to fail again. So even though they know what they need to do, they no longer WANT to. Is a supportive spouse still supposed to keep quiet? What if that person wants help, but they're too afraid to ask?
Yes, men can be hypocrites when it comes to criticizing a woman's looks. A lot of those men need to lose weight themselves. But being a hypocrite doesn't negate the truth of what you're saying. And if you think these men aren't aware of their own weight, think again. They know. They either don't care or pretend like they don't notice. Men aren't supposed to talk about their insecurities because it's not considered "manly". But don't take that to mean that they don't have them. And if you think men aren't viewed as public property to be judged, think again. Men may not be judged as much as women, but they are judged. Why do you think so many guys go to the gym? Why do you think there are more and more magazines with guys on the cover flaunting their six-pack abs? Why do you think we have movies like Twilight or any Matthew Mc-whats-his-name where the guys never seem to wear shirts? It's not just women who get bombarded with the message that how you look matters.
What I find curious is how you lump all men into the same category and make no room for the idea that some men may actually encourage their wives to lose weight for reasons other than appearance. Is it so hard to believe that a man's concern for his wife's weight might actually be motivated by BOTH her appearance AND her health? Why does it have to be an either-or? You cite magazine cover models as proof that it's ONLY about looks. But that doesn't prove there aren't men who also want their partners to be healthy. My friend that I just mentioned, he's worried for his wife's health. He says nothing to her about her weight, but he's told me that he worries about what may happen. Obesity isn't just an issue of appearance. It's also one that leads to serious health issues. My friend gets health insurance through his employer, but his job security is up in the air. So naturally he's worried that if his wife gets sick and he loses his job, that taking care of her medical bills would place a huge burden on the family. They have two teenage daughters, one of whom is going to college soon. Again, should he just keep quiet for fear that his wife will think he's only concerned about her appearance?
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