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The solution is so simple: Write a letter to her mother or her grandmother in Japan and complain and point out the seriousness of the matter. They will whip her into shape quicker than you can say DOMO.
If you go back and read what some of us wrote, we didn't accuse the OP of all these things but we've observed it time and again. A very common pattern. Speaking for myself I did say that he built his relationship on materialistic values and predictably money has now become a hot issue between them. If you're going to buy your way into someone's heart, you better have deep pockets.
Well, I don't know about Japanese culture, but I know in Thailand people judge their own self-worth on how generous they are and so it's typical for boyfriends to be VERY giving to their girlfriends, because since Thai's are supposed be generous normally, it's expected that they'll be EXTRA generous to those they love.
Independence and honesty are NOT the mainstays of many Asian cultures and so we view their ways as manipulative, when really, they're coming from a totally different viewpoint, where their core values are completely different than ours. For example, in Thai, there is no real word for "independence", the closest the dictionary gets is to describe it as "freedom". THAT'S how different the culture is there. There's no word for it because Thai's don't seek independence from their families.
I lived in Japan for years. Studied the language and culture while in Japan. Met a Japanese lady a few years ago. Things were great while dating...didn't start with a plan to get into a serious relationship and actually thought it would become more platonic than anything else. She did all the right things to keep my attention and I did the same...driving her any place she wanted, treating her friends and her to dinners, buying things for her to show I cared...all those things normal guys do to show a lady he respects, appreciates and likes her. quote]
This is probably what your then Japanese girlfriend and her friends said:
"Oh! You got a Gaijin boyfriend? You're so lucky! You know those American men have MONEY right?" and probably told her to wear this certain dress to keep your attention. I don't know, since Eastern women are "more feminine than US women" from what I've read in this forum many months ago.
Dumb mistake #1: The main thing I can think of is treating her and her friends to dinner. Red flag. It meant that her friends convinced her have you treat you to a free meal or she wanted to show off to them how "rich" her American boyfriend is. If a guy had to impress a girl by inviting her and her friends to dinner and then picking up the tab, that's desperation.
Well, at least your thread bunked the whole "Asian women stereotype."
Sooo, why did you live in Japan? Wanted that "Asian Doll" because you couldn't get any play in the States? Just wondering.
Uh, Japan's not a poor country. Unless she's dirt poor and the OP is a fairly wealthy guy-- not necessarily the motivation.
She's obviously being difficult. No sex? Find reasons to spend time in the company of other attractive women. In other words, get her jealous.
Start moving your money to separate accounts. Either she will realize that she is losing you and her behavior will improve, or it won't and you will be close to splitsville. Or you can just continue to take her crap. Your choice. Good luck.
Do try to find out if the whole money thing was a cultural/personal/pride thing.
I have a friend who is married to a Japanese woman, situation sounds exactly like yours. In my friend's case, I believe he decided to get himself an Asian wife because of the usual "they are better than American women" thing, you know, nice, pretty, thin, "knows how to treat a man," sweet personality etc. He didn't consider the fact that she is an intelligent woman in her own right, and turned the marriage into exactly what she wanted once she they said "I do": no sex, and berating him into submission. He is miserable, makes $180k per year, yet is always broke because she takes it all. And he knows he can't get a divorce either, as she will send him to the poor house. So now he just bangs prostitutes any chance he can get, while fantasizing about someday retiring without her.
I think anytime one marries into another culture you better know what you are getting into.
For a lot of American men, I think they got suckered into the Asian thing, but all those societies have a number of significant differences that don't always go with successful American marriages. And often they do the bait and switch thing. Lots of sex and then when the marriage is consummated, they become cold as ice.
Sounds like he just needs to bail out of the marriage at any cost.
You should not have assumed that your wife would have responsibly managed the money. You should have jointly overseen the household finances.
My heart goes out to you - I'm not sure what to say that can help you.
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I must, however, agree with some comments here. A lot of (white) American men think Asian women are playthings who will do in bed what most self-respecting white/black women would never do. They still have that geisha image of the perennially subservient, docile quasi-slave who will never say no.
Furthermore, what a lot of westerners don't know about Asians is that they often lack, due to cultural upbringing, the directness and bluntness of communication that's more of a trademark here in the United States. It's more of a nuanced, indirect communication which often uses indirect words or references to something rather than a blunt declaration. You're supposed to "infer" this through a "sense" of what people are feeling or thinking without actually having to spell it out.
I must also agree that the cunning and cleverness of Asian women are not to be underestimated. Many of them "prey" on unsuspecting, innocent, inexperienced men here in America for marriage so they can get green cards and many bail once they get their papers. Many such women do the exact same thing to US-born Asian men or Asian men who immigrated here young and have acquired US citizenship. (Although, to be fair, many are looking to settle down and become loyal wives and mothers - but many of them nonetheless become just that: wives and mothers who depend 100% on their white/black/Asian husbands for money & support).
And if that isn't enough, even today, in Japan and South Korea for example, the gender roles and the way people are raised by gender are still quite different than here. Yes, people there are messed up, do drugs, and have sex as teens as they do here, but women are by and large still taught to sit still and look pretty and to become a housewife once they are married, and that the breadwinning is the man's job. This may sound abhorrent or offensive to you women in C-D who are American, liberated, career-minded, educated, and successful - and this is of course a generalization because women in Asia do attend universities and thousands of them carve out great careers - but it happens aplenty.
As a person of with a multicultural background, I shake my head and chuckle when I read some very ignorant comments/posts here about white/(insert ethnicity) or black/(insert nationality) couples here. I am then reminded that a lot of the people here are simply unfamiliar with foreign cultures and therefore don't know these nuances.
OK, seriously....when will men (especially White American men) learn that the "lure" of the exotic and perfect foreign woman really is just an illusion?
Often times when men like the OP describe their dilemma they never stop to think that they never would have made the same decisions (in this case, giving up the financial reins) to an American woman. So he needs to reflect on his own motivations and realize that he's been "had" by his Japanese wifey.
Many foreign women know that all they have to do is play into the stereotypes (of being a submissive, obedient, childlike human sex toy) until they get married aand have a kid or two and then they've "got him". If he wants a divorce....he'll have to pay (alimony, child support).
And he'll also pay if he stays married....little or no sex, stealing money from the personal and/or business accounts, demeaning the husband, sending money back "home", and the real dragon lady will show her claws.
I think anytime one marries into another culture you better know what you are getting into.
For a lot of American men, I think they got suckered into the Asian thing, but all those societies have a number of significant differences that don't always go with successful American marriages. And often they do the bait and switch thing. Lots of sex and then when the marriage is consummated, they become cold as ice.
Sounds like he just needs to bail out of the marriage at any cost.
If he bails out, he will be living flat broke in a crappy studio apartment some where, or so he tells me. He's sure she will lawyer up and stick it to him... and since she has never worked in the US before, she'll probably prevail, getting both child support and alimony. (Not that I feel bad for him, because I don't.)
You say that you love her, but what do you love about her? You have described someone who is beautiful but also distant, dispassionate and bad with money.
I agree. Looks like her inside doesn't match the outside. Most people I know would rather have a beautiful inside than outside..
If he bails out, he will be living flat broke in a crappy studio apartment some where, or so he tells me. He's sure she will lawyer up and stick it to him... and since she has never worked in the US before, she'll probably prevail, getting both child support and alimony. (Not that I feel bad for him, because I don't.)
There is a lot of things money can't buy and dignity is one of them. His lifestyle might take a hit, but I guess it depends what the laws are where he lives. If he has to cough up for 3-5 years then I'd probably do it and move on with life. Child support, well that is a given.
I couldn't imagine living miserably and banging hoes on the side, seems to be a stupid existence.
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Just wondering.
