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Old 09-21-2010, 12:47 PM
 
9,830 posts, read 20,162,880 times
Reputation: 7625

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Quote:
Originally Posted by MissLucky View Post
As long as the woman don't abuse it, I don't see why it's wrong for a man to spoil the woman they love.
People never appreciate being spoiled and eventually come to resent the doormat that spoils them.

I think you can be generous and helpful without being a doormat. People that get handouts and coddling just want more.

 
Old 09-21-2010, 01:04 PM
 
14,045 posts, read 7,774,712 times
Reputation: 15976
It doesn't seem like you had a good basis for a lasting deep relationship. You both "did the right things" at the beginning and your end was spending money. That is not really the best way to get a real relationship going. I'm not sure she can provide what you feel you need from a marriage. But honestly it sounds like you picked wrong and were possibly swayed by her exotic beauty (you feel you have to touch her while she's sleeping?). That is something men really have to watch for with maturity and a high level of awareness when seeking a life partner.
 
Old 09-21-2010, 01:34 PM
 
Location: NYC
7,369 posts, read 13,227,029 times
Reputation: 10337
Quote:
Originally Posted by wanneroo View Post
There is a lot of things money can't buy and dignity is one of them. His lifestyle might take a hit, but I guess it depends what the laws are where he lives. If he has to cough up for 3-5 years then I'd probably do it and move on with life. Child support, well that is a given.

I couldn't imagine living miserably and banging hoes on the side, seems to be a stupid existence.
No, he'll have to cough up for 13 years minimum.

Really his lifestyle won't take that much of a hit since he doesn't get to spend his money anyway. He told me he has about $100 a week to spend on himself including coffee & lunches at work.

But hey, I don't tell people what I think they should do unless they ask. He's not asked me, so I keep my mouth shut.
 
Old 09-21-2010, 03:40 PM
 
14,045 posts, read 7,774,712 times
Reputation: 15976
Quote:
Originally Posted by MissLucky View Post
As long as the woman don't abuse it, I don't see why it's wrong for a man to spoil the woman they love.
It's not wrong, it just doesn't mean anything and is not a good foundation on which to build a meaningful relationship. Guys who have money buy pretty girls expensive gifts all the time and it means nothing.
 
Old 09-21-2010, 05:48 PM
 
Location: state of procrastination
3,487 posts, read 6,589,730 times
Reputation: 2891
Couple of things - Do you think she is resentful because you don't earn enough money to keep up a certain standard of living for the family, therefore causing her to have to overdraw on the bank account? Maybe she is looking at her friends' husbands and deciding that she is not getting what she had anticipated. It's considered a husband's duty in some cultures to provide a high standard of living... and isn't considered gold digging.

Have you aged physically such that she might not be physically attractive to you anymore? I see a lot of young looking Asian women with White men that look 20+ years older - but in reality they are probably about 5 years apart. I wonder what this does psychologically to the women as the men start aging faster? Maybe reminds them of mortality?
 
Old 09-21-2010, 06:55 PM
 
Location: Bike to Surf!
3,080 posts, read 10,185,676 times
Reputation: 2991
Wow, most of you in here are complete jerks, you know that? No wonder your relationships fail.

To the OP, if you haven't taken off already;
Intercultural relationships take a LOT of work and a LOT of openness as I'm sure you know. On the balance the Japanese I've met are good at the work part but not so much on the openness. I also wonder if perhaps the distant role is simply one she expected to take as the wife of a salaryman. I'm sure you observed the standard salaryman behaviour of working 8AM-10PM jobs and then going out drinking with coworkers or to pachinko parlors when you were in Japan.

I'm sure you've talked about this, but do you think that she might be homesick? How often do you travel to visit her family in Japan? If you're not at least getting back once or twice a year for important family-related holidays then that might be a major issue. (Yes, I know it's expensive and difficult when you're holding down a job) You might want to start thinking about spending a few months of the year (maybe summers) apart so she and the kids can be around her side of the family and connect with them. I'm sure your kids would benefit from the experience, and especially if they can go to school in Japan. If your job allows it--or if you can find a better job which would be suitable to this--you should try to go back with her of course, but I know this might be impossible for someone with full-time employment.

The time apart might help you re-evaluate your marriage, or it might return some spark to your romatic lives. You never know.

Other than that, I can only encourage you to keep on talking about it with your wife. Try to use the communication skills from whatever books you've read. There's also the option of professional counseling, though that might be hard to get the wife to agree to, and it might be worthless.

Edit: Does your wife work or have something to occupy her time? Do you live near or in a large vibrant city? Many Asians find the US incredibly boring and depressing, especially if they have nothing to occupy their time. They start to see the entire country as a giant mess of fatty tasteless food, obese aggressive people, no public transportation, unfriendly anti-foreigner attitudes, catty cliquish neighborhoods, no respect for teachers and little care for the elderly, no sign of the culture they grew up with. This isn't all that the US is, of course, but if you are stuck in the exurbs with just US TV to keep you company, it can certainly seem that way. Your wife might be having trouble making friends or connecting with other people in the community as a 1st generation immigrant, especially if you live somewhere with few other Japanese. You might want to consider relocating to one of the bigger cities like LA, SF, or NYC where there are Japanese districts (little Tokyo's) which can offer an escape to at least a little bit of familiarity and a chance to speak with others in her mother tongue. Also, it makes travel back to Japan quicker and easier.

Last edited by sponger42; 09-21-2010 at 07:01 PM.. Reason: More possibilities
 
Old 09-21-2010, 10:08 PM
 
1,160 posts, read 2,136,760 times
Reputation: 1433
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sprawling_Homeowner View Post
I must, however, agree with some comments here. A lot of (white) American men think Asian women are playthings who will do in bed what most self-respecting white/black women would never do. They still have that geisha image of the perennially subservient, docile quasi-slave who will never say no ... I must also agree that the cunning and cleverness of Asian women are not to be underestimated. Many of them "prey" on unsuspecting, innocent, inexperienced men here in America for marriage so they can get green cards and many bail once they get their papers.
This is a very tender spot with me. I was unceremoniously dumped by a man who decided that he had to have a docile little Japanese woman as you describe. Just listening to the dynamic he expected from the relationship made me fully aware of why it was never "right" between us. And, listening to him spout his yellow fever fervor, I also realized that this was not the kind of man that I ever want to be attached to.

I've traveled out of the country, to places where pale-skinned women of European descent are a big "prize." The men in some of these places will not leave you alone. Their M.O. was so incredibly obvious as to give me the shudders. I'm smart enough to know what's going on. So I have to wonder what happens to men like this ... why some have such low self-esteem that they're actively looking to be taken advantage of. I think that half of them have a secret hatred of strong, independent women; and the other half, as some have mentioned, buy into the innocent little Geisha routine and feel more manly because they can "provide" for their woman.

Sounds like the OP isn't providing quite enough for his wife's tastes ... and probably never will.
 
Old 09-22-2010, 09:15 AM
 
Location: Back in the gym...Yo Adrian!
9,410 posts, read 18,569,130 times
Reputation: 18511
Quote:
Originally Posted by sponger42 View Post
Wow, most of you in here are complete jerks, you know that? No wonder your relationships fail.
Why is that, because some of us pointed how showering women with gifts and money is not the way to build a strong foundation to a relationship? Regardless of cultural differences. It would a appear the OP is stuck with a rent-a-wife. No one is saying that all Japanese women are like this, or even most. But there is a segment of the female population abroad who prey upon men who seek something they can't get in the states, and there's a reason why most of these men aren't successful with American women. Not sure if that's the case for the OP, but some of us here have seen this play out the same way over and again.

The OP mentioned that in the beginning she did all the right things to keep his attention--I wonder what that was? You're not the only one who has some tread under your tires, many of us have spent time overseas as well, and we had our eyes wide open to the good and the not so good. You apparenlty wen there with rose colored glasses.

It's naive to think that the problems between them are merely cultural. All the red flags and warning signs are there in his thread. Now that the bank account has run dry, so has her affection. Again, he built this relationship on material grounds, and expressed his love with dollars. But those of us who pointed that out are the jerks?
 
Old 09-23-2010, 12:10 PM
 
2 posts, read 38,353 times
Reputation: 24
Thanks for your opinions...guess I could have done some things differently during the beginning...like buying a used beat-up car to drive around in instead of the car I had at the time or entertaining in a dump apartment instead of my home...and other things maybe...I travel back to Japan with her and the kids every other year. The kids and her return every year. Asians make up roughly 10% of the the community we live in and she has a large group of Japanese friends. I do think she allows herself to be overly influenced by friends at times...ex: skylight in bathroom ceiling of friends home, wants one in our home, wooden floors in the bedroom of a friends home, wants the same in our bedroom, etc.. I was an athlete in Japan and while there thought I could never get into a serious relationship with a Japanese woman, but as you see that changed. I'm pretty patient and know the relationship will take a lot of work (as mentioned by some of you). Look forward to hearing more...
 
Old 09-24-2010, 01:20 AM
 
Location: La lune et les étoiles
18,261 posts, read 19,991,701 times
Reputation: 19593
Quote:
Originally Posted by Becmead View Post
Thanks for your opinions...guess I could have done some things differently during the beginning...like buying a used beat-up car to drive around in instead of the car I had at the time or entertaining in a dump apartment instead of my home...and other things maybe...I travel back to Japan with her and the kids every other year. The kids and her return every year. Asians make up roughly 10% of the the community we live in and she has a large group of Japanese friends. I do think she allows herself to be overly influenced by friends at times...ex: skylight in bathroom ceiling of friends home, wants one in our home, wooden floors in the bedroom of a friends home, wants the same in our bedroom, etc.. I was an athlete in Japan and while there thought I could never get into a serious relationship with a Japanese woman, but as you see that changed. I'm pretty patient and know the relationship will take a lot of work (as mentioned by some of you). Look forward to hearing more...
Why are American men so naive when it comes to women from other cultures.....they are simply nothing more than stealthy gold diggers.

This Japanese woman did as many foreign women do...she played on the geisha girl stereotype to land a White American husband, then she popped out a few kids (to make sure that she would get child support along with alimony $$$ should anything happen) She showed her true colors...the OP is now seeing the real person that he married....he has to pay $$$ to play!

This woman would never have even glanced in the OPs direction had she not seen the opportunity to live well in the US. And yet American men call American women materialistic. I have seen the OP's scenario play out several times with a family member, a friend and a co-worker.
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