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Old 09-24-2010, 07:20 AM
 
14,017 posts, read 7,763,450 times
Reputation: 15960

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Quote:
Originally Posted by calipoppy View Post
Why are American men so naive when it comes to women from other cultures.....they are simply nothing more than stealthy gold diggers.

This Japanese woman did as many foreign women do...she played on the geisha girl stereotype to land a White American husband, then she popped out a few kids (to make sure that she would get child support along with alimony $$$ should anything happen) She showed her true colors...the OP is now seeing the real person that he married....he has to pay $$$ to play!

This woman would never have even glanced in the OPs direction had she not seen the opportunity to live well in the US. And yet American men call American women materialistic. I have seen the OP's scenario play out several times with a family member, a friend and a co-worker.
Somehow it's excusable if foreign women are gold diggers it seems. These men go to other countries knowing this but they are ok with it. This guy I know is in Japan and admits many of the women are gold diggers but he says it is different than in the US. I don't even ask how. It's like they've got a free gold digger card while if American women do it they are evil.

 
Old 09-24-2010, 11:26 AM
 
Location: La lune et les étoiles
18,261 posts, read 19,984,370 times
Reputation: 19593
Quote:
Originally Posted by tamajane View Post
Somehow it's excusable if foreign women are gold diggers it seems. These men go to other countries knowing this but they are ok with it. This guy I know is in Japan and admits many of the women are gold diggers but he says it is different than in the US. I don't even ask how. It's like they've got a free gold digger card while if American women do it they are evil.
Exactly!

If an American woman goes to work, gets an education, pursues a career, pays her own bills, buys her own house and car, she is called "too independent" or "materialistic"

Or if an American woman is really into taking care of her looks and her body, she is called "vain", "stuck up" or "conceited"....and the reverse, if an American woman doesn't take as much care in her appearance she's a lazy, fat hag.

Or if an American woman is not ultra-ambitious and prefers the more traditional role of happy homemaker, she is called a lazy, gold digger.

And somehow these exact same traits that American men use to berate American women are praised to high heaven in foreign women. Then they are surprised when these foreign women have wiped out their bank acounts while demanding more and more money $$$.
 
Old 09-24-2010, 02:44 PM
 
Location: NYC area
3,486 posts, read 5,210,757 times
Reputation: 3859
OP: I don't think anyone has suggested that you should have pretended to be poor. But your particular method of wooing involved lots of spending, and not surprisingly, it attracted a leech. I understand you love your wife and don't want to divorce her. (And frankly, you probably can't -- since with her being a long-term housewife with no marketable skills, you'd probably have your ass handed to you in court.) However, I think you should change your outlook a little.

I confess, I know next to nothing about Japanese culture. Still, as an immigrant, I have enough experience to realize that you lend entirely too much importance to all that "cultural sensitivity" and attributing problems in your marriage to cultural differences. Without a doubt, when spouses come from two very different cultures, it adds a whole new area of tension. But at the same time, the only way to overcome that tension is for both spouses to strive to understand and to accommodate one another. Alas, "culture" is invoked too often as a blanket excuse for all sorts of piggish behavior. It was good of you to be sensitive to the cultural difference between yourself and your wife, but you took it to an extreme, so that you became a foreigner in your own home (and in your own country, no less). What efforts is your wife making at bridging that cultural gap? Or is her culture "better" than yours?

Similarly, it's good of you to realize that relationships in trouble take work -- but again, you took it to an extreme, looking for increasingly elaborate ways to cater to your wife, instead of realizing that your very spinelessness may be eroding her respect for you. You know, sometimes, working on a relationship involves putting your foot down.

Unfortunately, it seems you married someone who is mercantile through-and-through. And thus, I fear the only language she's likely to understand is the language of goods. So start taking away privileges. Declare an indefinite moratorium on non-essential home improvement, entertainment and the buying of extras and luxuries. (And incidentally, put the money that would have been spent on them aside -- just in case.) Cancel this year's trip to Japan -- and make sure it stays canceled. Contrary to popular belief, periodic trips to one's country of origin aren't necessary for maintaining good psychological balance; rather they are a luxury, like many other things you provide for her. Tell her that if she lightens the hell up, maybe she can go next year.

Finally, make her explain adequately where all that money went. I got from your posts that you are fairly well-off, so her overdrafting the bank account without any visible increase in spending is very troubling. Doesn't matter how long ago it happened -- this is a major breach of trust, and she should be held accountable for it. Insist on a believable, verifiable explanation; she owes you that much at the very least.

In other words, stop rewarding bad behavior. She treats you like crap, and your reaction is to try to figure out what else you haven't done for her. Put yourself in her position -- what reason is there for her not to treat you like crap?
 
Old 09-24-2010, 03:15 PM
 
Location: Bike to Surf!
3,080 posts, read 10,183,501 times
Reputation: 2991
The OP asked for advice on his relationship problems, but most posters are using this as an excuse to dump on or score points off him or his wife. The rest are waving their own baggage around like big personal crucifixes, assuming that EVERYONE else has the same issues as them. I've seen possibly one or two actual suggestions as to what the OP can try to improve his relationship or understand the problem.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Becmead View Post
Thanks for your opinions...guess I could have done some things differently during the beginning...like buying a used beat-up car to drive around in instead of the car I had at the time or entertaining in a dump apartment instead of my home...and other things maybe...I travel back to Japan with her and the kids every other year. The kids and her return every year. Asians make up roughly 10% of the the community we live in and she has a large group of Japanese friends. I do think she allows herself to be overly influenced by friends at times...ex: skylight in bathroom ceiling of friends home, wants one in our home, wooden floors in the bedroom of a friends home, wants the same in our bedroom, etc.. I was an athlete in Japan and while there thought I could never get into a serious relationship with a Japanese woman, but as you see that changed. I'm pretty patient and know the relationship will take a lot of work (as mentioned by some of you). Look forward to hearing more...
Despite what the liliputians here will tell you, your wife is probably not a monstrous gold digging she-demon with no redeeming qualities. Listening to these idiots who take the easy road and villify her (or you) is not going to have any positive effects on your relationship. It's good that you wish to be patient and are willing to work on your relationship. Most of the jerkoffs here sound like they'd give up wholesale on their own marriage, spouses, and kids at the drop of a hat.

How close do you feel to your wife? Are you talking at her when you have these conversations about how you interact together? Does she participate and give you any indication of why she does what she does?

Are you able to communicate well? Did or do you ever get into a real heated honest emotional argument or do one or both of you suppress their feelings or emotions in order to keep the peace? I wonder if she's not able or not willing to express herself and translating bitterness or negative emotions into physical and mental distance.

You mentioned talking about retiring in Japan. Does your wife like living in the United States or has she stated things that indicate she'd be happier if the family moved back to Japan? While I know many immigrants who are happier with the materialistic and individualistic nature of American life, I know some who prefer the culture of their homeland. Since--I assume--you married your wife in Japan and then brought her back to the United States, she's had to make an adjustment to American life that may have been unwelcome. Being an immigrant is hard, and if it wasn't her intention in the first place, you may be getting some resentment from her for dragging her away from the life that she thought she'd have in Japan.

How much time do you spend together? Do you interact with her more than her circle of Japanese friends? They may be negatively influencing how she sees you--women in groups can really turn each other against their husbands if the group dynamic is negative like that, and your wife is susceptible to being influenced by others. If you think this is happening, you can try to win her back by replacing the support structure she's found in her friends with a closer relationship to you.

Are you and your wife of the same religion?

Maybe none of this applies, but those are some possibilities.
 
Old 09-24-2010, 03:23 PM
 
Location: NYC area
3,486 posts, read 5,210,757 times
Reputation: 3859
"Jerk-offs"? "Lilliputians"? "Jerks"? Boy, you are one angry guy, sponger.

Hey, some of these jerks may be kinda foreign themselves. Maybe it's just their "culture" to not fawn over trophy wives who are "culturally" predisposed to treat their husbands like dirt. Be sensitive and understanding, why dontcha.
 
Old 09-24-2010, 04:17 PM
 
Location: La lune et les étoiles
18,261 posts, read 19,984,370 times
Reputation: 19593
Quote:
Originally Posted by sponger42 View Post
The OP asked for advice on his relationship problems, but most posters are using this as an excuse to dump on or score points off him or his wife. The rest are waving their own baggage around like big personal crucifixes, assuming that EVERYONE else has the same issues as them. I've seen possibly one or two actual suggestions as to what the OP can try to improve his relationship or understand the problem.



Despite what the liliputians here will tell you, your wife is probably not a monstrous gold digging she-demon with no redeeming qualities. Listening to these idiots who take the easy road and villify her (or you) is not going to have any positive effects on your relationship. It's good that you wish to be patient and are willing to work on your relationship. Most of the jerkoffs here sound like they'd give up wholesale on their own marriage, spouses, and kids at the drop of a hat.

How close do you feel to your wife? Are you talking at her when you have these conversations about how you interact together? Does she participate and give you any indication of why she does what she does?

Are you able to communicate well? Did or do you ever get into a real heated honest emotional argument or do one or both of you suppress their feelings or emotions in order to keep the peace? I wonder if she's not able or not willing to express herself and translating bitterness or negative emotions into physical and mental distance.

You mentioned talking about retiring in Japan. Does your wife like living in the United States or has she stated things that indicate she'd be happier if the family moved back to Japan? While I know many immigrants who are happier with the materialistic and individualistic nature of American life, I know some who prefer the culture of their homeland. Since--I assume--you married your wife in Japan and then brought her back to the United States, she's had to make an adjustment to American life that may have been unwelcome. Being an immigrant is hard, and if it wasn't her intention in the first place, you may be getting some resentment from her for dragging her away from the life that she thought she'd have in Japan.

How much time do you spend together? Do you interact with her more than her circle of Japanese friends? They may be negatively influencing how she sees you--women in groups can really turn each other against their husbands if the group dynamic is negative like that, and your wife is susceptible to being influenced by others. If you think this is happening, you can try to win her back by replacing the support structure she's found in her friends with a closer relationship to you.

Are you and your wife of the same religion?

Maybe none of this applies, but those are some possibilities.
The OP asked for input and advice.

One thing that women know....we know how to translate the actions and words of other women.

The OP has laid out his situation with his wife:

missing money...in large amounts
demands for material things
little or no sex
she has told him not to touch her in bed
she has indicated that she is not interested in "working on it"
she has indicated that the issues are his problem, not hers

If you add all of that together it translates into the following:

-the wife is stashing away some money for herself
-she has secured future money from the OP by having a few kids and by making him the sole provider
-she feels entitled to material things because he isn't done buying her affections...and he will never be able to finish buying her love
-she is not (and may never have been) sexually attracted to him
-the fact that the "spell" has somewhat be broken annoys her
-he is in denial regarding the "illusion" that she created
-this relationship is obviously a one-way street
 
Old 09-25-2010, 02:02 AM
 
1,160 posts, read 2,136,299 times
Reputation: 1433
Quote:
Originally Posted by calipoppy View Post
If an American woman goes to work, gets an education, pursues a career, pays her own bills, buys her own house and car, she is called "too independent" or "materialistic"

And somehow these exact same traits that American men use to berate American women are praised to high heaven in foreign women. Then they are surprised when these foreign women have wiped out their bank acounts while demanding more and more money $$$.
Thank you for saying this, because it warrants mentioning. Men who are all wrapped up in the allure of foreign women used to chap my a$$ in a major way. Especially because I worked so hard for my own education and became self-sufficient and financially responsible, so I would never be a woman like that. One of my hardest knocks -- and I was too naive to understand what was going on at the time -- was discovering that it didn't matter who I was inside or what I had to offer, because my eyes were the wrong shape, my hair the wrong color and English was my first language.

But I must-must-must believe that men like this fall into a small minority, and that a large part of the attraction is in fact borne out of sexual fetish. One thing I have learned is that if a man shows a certain proclivity for non-American women -- if he keeps mentioning women of a certain culture repeatedly -- walk away and do not look back. This type of guy doesn't want a helpmate, and he will never see a woman as his equal. Nor does he want deep, abiding love.
 
Old 09-25-2010, 02:59 AM
 
26 posts, read 63,929 times
Reputation: 28
in my country ,it's always wife who are in charge of money. but wifes will always try their best to keep the income and purcahsing balance. of course ,they also have a great desire to save some money, even this means they have to limit the purchase they like very much.
boyfriend and husband are greatly different.boyfriend means romantic, husband means more responsibility . but I think your wife still treat you as her boyfriend now. she maybe think your money is only her money ,and have no cencept that your are earning money not only for her ,but also for your child ,for the whole family.

I'm wondering if you wife have any "family concept". because if she thinks she is one member of that family , the first thing she will do is to tell you the truth and solve the problem together ,not try to conceal it, try not to let you know. but ,if she really don't have that family concept , what's the reason? in fact ,most asia women are lack of safty(including me). I believe if you can give her that safty feeling, let her trust you without any reason, to try to give her the feeling of at home ,not at abroad alone . it will be much better.

gave her what she want in material is not enough , but understand her spiratually will let her to be much closer to you. Asia woman prefer to have sex with the man who understand her . if not ,she will refused sex, have sex with a person she don't like is really a very hard, painful thing to do ,even that person is her husband.

hope it will be usefull for you.

good luck. believe me ,most Asia wife are very honest,single-minded. if you can really get her heart ,you will be the most happiest husband in the world.

good luck!
 
Old 09-25-2010, 03:28 AM
 
Location: Ohio
2,178 posts, read 8,356,690 times
Reputation: 3930
I had the same damn problems with a woman. Especialy the money part. And she was from W.va.
But that was years ago and it ended in divorce.
Doesn't matter where they are from. There are good and bad both from Japan or W.va, or anywhere else. And that includes both women and men.
A marriage has to be a 50/50 thing with both sides willing to work together and contribute to reach a common goal. The first goal should be a loving relationship and longevity and both sides trying to make the other happy.
If the 50/50 thing turns into a 80/20 or 90/10 thing you might as well forget it. It ain't gonna work and it will just be a life of misery and eventually hate.
Can't blame a guy for falling in love with a Japanese lady though. Some of the most beautifull women I have ever seen were Asian. But beauty can be deceiving and temporary. It's what's inside that counts.
 
Old 09-25-2010, 03:31 AM
 
Location: california
6,116 posts, read 5,308,046 times
Reputation: 7366
Default All women are that way

Well may be not all , but it seems to be thje norm for many a poor smuck, getts lovy dovied into the relationship , after the weddings over a whole diferent person emerges you never saw before.
All the stuff you had in common , they were just agreeing with you to be nice, not honest.
Few women handlle finances well but they want the power though.
history has writen it over and over in the lives of every one before you .
Chances are she is manipulating you to give up first holding off the sex and affection. it's a woman's way.
First it's a test, just to see if you will stumble , but it is more like self fufilling prophicy. She is creating a justifiable case against you in her mind.
Logic is not involved , don't look for it , it won't be there.
Out of curosity what is her parents relationship like, that is her back ground. and may give you some answers.
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