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Old 09-25-2010, 08:28 AM
 
Location: La lune et les étoiles
18,261 posts, read 19,986,478 times
Reputation: 19593

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Melissa78703 View Post
Thank you for saying this, because it warrants mentioning. Men who are all wrapped up in the allure of foreign women used to chap my a$$ in a major way. Especially because I worked so hard for my own education and became self-sufficient and financially responsible, so I would never be a woman like that. One of my hardest knocks -- and I was too naive to understand what was going on at the time -- was discovering that it didn't matter who I was inside or what I had to offer, because my eyes were the wrong shape, my hair the wrong color and English was my first language.

But I must-must-must believe that men like this fall into a small minority, and that a large part of the attraction is in fact borne out of sexual fetish. One thing I have learned is that if a man shows a certain proclivity for non-American women -- if he keeps mentioning women of a certain culture repeatedly -- walk away and do not look back. This type of guy doesn't want a helpmate, and he will never see a woman as his equal. Nor does he want deep, abiding love.
In my experience, men who seek out relationships with foreign women either have a fetish or a hero fantasy (or sometimes both) They also tend to have relationship self esteem issues and problems communicating with the opposite sex. Often times they are not looking for their "equal" but for a subordinate in their relationship with the foreign woman.

These women will either have to continue playing the subservient, fantasy role for the rest of their lives or when their "real" personalities start to come out the husbands will start scratching their heads and wondering what happened because their lovely geisha has turned into the dragon lady.

 
Old 09-25-2010, 11:46 AM
 
Location: Bike to Surf!
3,080 posts, read 10,184,149 times
Reputation: 2991
Quote:
Originally Posted by Redisca View Post
"Jerk-offs"? "Lilliputians"? "Jerks"? Boy, you are one angry guy, sponger.

Hey, some of these jerks may be kinda foreign themselves. Maybe it's just their "culture" to not fawn over trophy wives who are "culturally" predisposed to treat their husbands like dirt. Be sensitive and understanding, why dontcha.
Just calling like I read it, Redisca. I reserve my sensitivity and understanding for people actively seeking help, like the OP. Sorry if I'm not putting up well with all the self-congratulatory mental-masturbatory point-scoring the majority of people are apparently in here to do.

Funny thing is, you're right. Happylilly, the obvious foreigner amongst the bunch of respondents, is one of the few people giving the OP honest advice aimed at bettering his relationship, while most of the rest of you are waving around your own personal prejudices against foreigners, men, women, etc. with little or no regard to the OP's actual predicament, except to cherry-pick ideas which can be bent to fit your narrow worldview.

My favorite is the oft repeated theme that "most" people who marry foreigners are seeking to fulfill some weird fantasy, and thus are awful people in doomed relationships. Of course, this opining likely comes from someone who probably hasn't been outside the country for any stretch longer than a month-long vacation. The OP lived in a foreign country for years, it's no big surprise that he married a local. Nor is it any surprise that their cultural differences may or MAY NOT have lead to a difficult home life situation when they decided to return to the United States.

Anyway, I can see that reading/responding to the rest of you is like trying to argue the tide into not coming in, so I'll give up this hopeless crusade and stick to reading/responding just to the OP.
 
Old 09-25-2010, 12:49 PM
 
Location: NYC area
3,486 posts, read 5,211,122 times
Reputation: 3859
Quote:
Originally Posted by sponger42 View Post
Just calling like I read it, Redisca.
So is everyone else.

Quote:
Funny thing is, you're right. Happylilly, the obvious foreigner amongst the bunch of respondents, is one of the few people giving the OP honest advice aimed at bettering his relationship, while most of the rest of you are waving around your own personal prejudices against foreigners, men, women, etc. with little or no regard to the OP's actual predicament, except to cherry-pick ideas which can be bent to fit your narrow worldview.
Surprise -- I'm a foreigner too. As such, I know enough to realize that defending meretricious relationships and women who seek them on the ground that such cold venality is "cultural" is bull****. Anyway, it's pretty clear to me that the most the OP can do for his wife to bring her happiness in their marriage is to make her a rich widow.

Quote:
My favorite is the oft repeated theme that "most" people who marry foreigners are seeking to fulfill some weird fantasy, and thus are awful people in doomed relationships.
It's not weird -- but people who exoticise foreign women are stupid and their relationships are often doomed. Again, calling it like it is.

Quote:
Of course, this opining likely comes from someone who probably hasn't been outside the country for any stretch longer than a month-long vacation.
Wrong again -- I and at least one other poster that you are referring to speak multiple foreign languages fluently and have lived abroad for years at a time. Not Canada.

Quote:
The OP lived in a foreign country for years, it's no big surprise that he married a local. Nor is it any surprise that their cultural differences may or MAY NOT have lead to a difficult home life situation when they decided to return to the United States.
Two things: First of all, what you are saying is proof that it IS a bad idea to marry someone from a different culture. Second -- precisely what I was saying before -- I don't buy "cultural differences" as a blanket excuse for venality, disloyalty, shallowness and treating one's spouse like ****.

Last edited by Redisca; 09-25-2010 at 01:04 PM..
 
Old 09-25-2010, 01:28 PM
 
Location: The High Seas
7,376 posts, read 13,914,626 times
Reputation: 11758
The answer to your dilemma is no further away than right here!

http://cdn1.ioffer.com/img/item/153/167/188/82j6.jpg (broken link)
 
Old 09-25-2010, 10:29 PM
 
9,830 posts, read 20,158,957 times
Reputation: 7625
Quote:
Originally Posted by Melissa78703 View Post
Thank you for saying this, because it warrants mentioning. Men who are all wrapped up in the allure of foreign women used to chap my a$$ in a major way. Especially because I worked so hard for my own education and became self-sufficient and financially responsible, so I would never be a woman like that. One of my hardest knocks -- and I was too naive to understand what was going on at the time -- was discovering that it didn't matter who I was inside or what I had to offer, because my eyes were the wrong shape, my hair the wrong color and English was my first language.

But I must-must-must believe that men like this fall into a small minority, and that a large part of the attraction is in fact borne out of sexual fetish. One thing I have learned is that if a man shows a certain proclivity for non-American women -- if he keeps mentioning women of a certain culture repeatedly -- walk away and do not look back. This type of guy doesn't want a helpmate, and he will never see a woman as his equal. Nor does he want deep, abiding love.
That's a bizarre way of thinking. Essentially you are saying any women that are not American are crap and not worth the time. You are also making assumptions about foreign women and really don't know what you are talking about.

I dated foreign women for seven years. Worked with them, lived with them. Some are great, some are bad. Same as the USA. I only ran into one gold digger hell bent on moving to the USA, out of dozens or hundreds of women I knew as friends and lovers. Most of them are quite happy with their own culture and lifestyle and contrary to the opinion of most Americans, not all foreign nationals see the USA as better or an upgrade. If anything like with some cultures the women are far more independent than American women, who in general, I find clingy, demanding and self absorbed, self serving and obsessed about money. I think it's a myth that American women are these wonderful super independent and perfect gals. If so the divorce rate would not be what it is.

And yes there are certain cultural differences that can be appealing but you better understand their culture to avoid surprises.

I also happen to know several American women that married foreign men and it's the same deal.

For me as a person and world traveler, I am open to any relationship with a decent woman. What their nationality or skin color or anything else is, isn't as important.
 
Old 09-25-2010, 10:33 PM
 
9,830 posts, read 20,158,957 times
Reputation: 7625
Quote:
Originally Posted by calipoppy View Post
In my experience, men who seek out relationships with foreign women either have a fetish or a hero fantasy (or sometimes both) They also tend to have relationship self esteem issues and problems communicating with the opposite sex. Often times they are not looking for their "equal" but for a subordinate in their relationship with the foreign woman.

These women will either have to continue playing the subservient, fantasy role for the rest of their lives or when their "real" personalities start to come out the husbands will start scratching their heads and wondering what happened because their lovely geisha has turned into the dragon lady.
Sure are their men that peruse those marriage catalogs and want to marry some hottie from Russki, no question.

But to put everyone in that boat is a bit misinformed.

I guess all the American women I know that married foreign men were looking for the same.
 
Old 09-25-2010, 11:24 PM
 
1,055 posts, read 2,197,064 times
Reputation: 1222
Quote:
Originally Posted by wanneroo View Post
That's a bizarre way of thinking. Essentially you are saying any women that are not American are crap and not worth the time. You are also making assumptions about foreign women and really don't know what you are talking about.

I dated foreign women for seven years. Worked with them, lived with them. Some are great, some are bad. Same as the USA. I only ran into one gold digger hell bent on moving to the USA, out of dozens or hundreds of women I knew as friends and lovers. Most of them are quite happy with their own culture and lifestyle and contrary to the opinion of most Americans, not all foreign nationals see the USA as better or an upgrade. If anything like with some cultures the women are far more independent than American women, who in general, I find clingy, demanding and self absorbed, self serving and obsessed about money. I think it's a myth that American women are these wonderful super independent and perfect gals. If so the divorce rate would not be what it is.

And yes there are certain cultural differences that can be appealing but you better understand their culture to avoid surprises.

I also happen to know several American women that married foreign men and it's the same deal.

For me as a person and world traveler, I am open to any relationship with a decent woman. What their nationality or skin color or anything else is, isn't as important.
Dude, that is so not what she was talking about. Let me break it down for you:

She worked hard for an education so she wouldn't have to live the rest of her adult life leeching money off of her man. She would have the ability to use her smarts/education to take care of herself if need be. But, most of the American men who exoticise foreign chicks want an sexy bimbo who is totally dependent on him. If she wants money, entertainment, etc. she would have to go to him, and only him, for that. Most women in that situation actually end up with the short end of the stick, especially if the man dies or leaves her, and she has nothing else to show for in her life.
 
Old 09-25-2010, 11:30 PM
 
1,055 posts, read 2,197,064 times
Reputation: 1222
Quote:
Originally Posted by Becmead View Post
I lived in Japan for years. Studied the language and culture while in Japan. Met a Japanese lady a few years ago. Things were great while dating...didn't start with a plan to get into a serious relationship and actually thought it would become more platonic than anything else. She did all the right things to keep my attention and I did the same...driving her any place she wanted, treating her friends and her to dinners, buying things for her to show I cared...all those things normal guys do to show a lady he respects, appreciates and likes her. A couple of years later, we married and now have beautiful kids. Since getting married, I noticed a constant change in her behavior/attitude. During the beginning, we talked about the money thing...she shared and I was aware that women in Japan are normally responsible for managing the money. I reluctantly agreed to do this and it made me feel good because I saw this as an opportunity to demonstrate my awareness of the differences between our cultures and my willingness to change/adjust in a way that would make her happy...meeting her half way. I put my full trust in her to manage the money, bills, etc. Didn't ask to see receipts or anything. Months later, while waiting in a checkout line to make a medium sized purchase, she says...use your credit card...I ask why....she says...because there's no money in the account...I ask..why didn't you tell me before leaving home...she says...pay your own bills. Me..holding it together, standing in the checkout line with a stunned facial expression...in total disbelief. After checking into the situation, I found the account was overdrawn by thousands of dollars. She never told me because she thought she could fix it. How...I don't know. She wasn't working at the time and I wasn't asking because there was no need and I understood the stress of living abroad. So that didn't go well, but the account was cleared and I'm now paying all the bills. As time moved on, she became mentally and physically distant. I shared my need for emotional connection and explained what I would like...hugs, kisses, caressing, etc.. She listens, but doesn't make any lasting changes. The situation escalated to the point where we continued sharing what our needs were to each other and I decided to read the Men are from Mars Women are from Venus book as well as other related articles. Skeptical at first, but there were some good points made. I suggested she read it as well and she shared she had already while in Japan (possibly translated differently given the cultural differences). After the reading, I was committed and made sincere attempts to make changes within myself with the belief that they would help her, me, us as a family. I'm a pretty practical guy...not materialistic or anything like that. Made the comment many times to her that what motivates me to do better is her support, emotional and physical connection. Is that asking too much? Getting this wasn't a problem before getting married, but afterwards she started making comments like "don't touch me, complaining about having too much sex and that your emotional needs come from a lack of attention from your mother as a child. Again, trying to better the situation, I recommended sex twice a week. She agreed, but now only provides the minimum...no excitement, no enthusiasm, no motivation to please and a host of complaints. I'm not allowed to touch her while sleeping, which is pretty hard (she's typical Japanese lady...beautiful). There's a section in the book I mentioned that basically says, if parts of a relationship aren't resolved over a period of time, a partner may get to the point where he or she may no longer have the motivation or energy to attempt any longer...I'm starting to feel that way. These days I don't respond much to the lack of emotional connection, etc. and I think she noticed. Over the years, she's had friends divorce and during those times I hoped something would click inside her forcing her to realize that providing a few emotional needs isn't so bad. We've talked about retiring in Japan, but in light of the current situation, I can only imagine it would be worse. The thing is, I love my wife and feel I can stick with the relationship until our kids grow up. So, enough of the proverbial, "crying in my beer". The situation has gotten to the point where I'm actually on a message board seeking objective advice, constructive criticism and comments in general. Comments from a lady's perspective would be great as well. Has anyone had or is having a similar experience? What's going on? If in my position, what would you do? Is this common in general regardless of culture?
I have never had a relationship before, so I know I may not be of much help, but keep trying to talk to her. If it is finances, maybe you two should come up with a plan together to work towards building wealth over the years? If you are religious, maybe you should talk with a religious leader. I don't think the other posters' comments are useful. I would probably ignore them.
 
Old 09-26-2010, 02:17 AM
 
Location: SXSW
640 posts, read 1,590,694 times
Reputation: 607
Quote:
Originally Posted by calipoppy View Post
In my experience, men who seek out relationships with foreign women either have a fetish or a hero fantasy (or sometimes both) They also tend to have relationship self esteem issues and problems communicating with the opposite sex. Often times they are not looking for their "equal" but for a subordinate in their relationship with the foreign woman.

These women will either have to continue playing the subservient, fantasy role for the rest of their lives or when their "real" personalities start to come out the husbands will start scratching their heads and wondering what happened because their lovely geisha has turned into the dragon lady.

Sooo true. These are the men that like to "white knight." When a woman is talking about how men of "her culture" all are just so "oppressive" and "chauvinistic" how none seem to ever "understand her", some men don't realize that they are being played. They are being manipulated and flattered. These women are playing into a man's feelings of cultural superiority. This "game" works very very well on American men in particular.
 
Old 09-26-2010, 03:01 AM
 
24,497 posts, read 36,822,969 times
Reputation: 12860
Men who marry for fetish didn't get enough in their younger years. By the time you're ready get married, you should have all that stuff out of the way. That's what highschool and college is for. If you want to get into all that with the one you're going to marry, then you have some deprivation issues.

That being said, there are many cases of true love in American-Foreign relationships.
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