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To answer the thread question...for me, it would be a definitive yes. At least if a woman does the marriage thing first, she'll have an idea of where the man stands regarding having children. Nothing worse than to get knocked up by someone that doesn't want children and the risk is the mom having to raise the child alone.
I've been going back and forth with a freind of mine on this subject and we can't seem to come to an agreement. I don't ever plan on having children but I always say I think marriage before children is more ideal than unwed motherhood, which is her situation. Her child's father is a married man. Because he is a married man, his wife does not allow him to have contact with my friend or the baby. She recieves child support though but carries on like superwoman or something. As if men will have some kind of respect for her, for being a baby's mother and I use that term purposefully because it applies to unwed mothers IMO. She thinks men will think more of her for raising a child alone. I say it's the total opposite! Men think of women who have babies all willy nilly as the woman trying to trap them or keep them around for whatever reason (money, security, etc.). They are not going to respect that. Especially in her case, the man was married, she knew and she still had the baby. Men will seek you out for sex but that's it. She thinks becasue she has a nice job and is doing mostly everything herself she can get back in the dating game carrying on like before, when she was childless. LOL, some of the men she's encountered haven't held back on her either. I do recall one of them saying to her regarding her reaction to his attire for the date (because she wouldn't shut up about it): "why are you being so picky & difficult, you're not that much of a catch" and he never called her again. So what do you think?
1. you are right children outside of marriage is unattractive!
2. Your friend is an airhead & a birdbrain
3. Her child has the potential to be burden to society like other children with loser fathers....think ladies think!!
4. Karma will pay your friend a visit in time. Maybe u should not be so close to her.
Oh man I really don't know... I know I made a mistake, there are much better ways I could have handled what was delt to me. My daughter means so much to me though, I will gladly take the reprocussions and lack of intrest from men for her!!! She is such a beatiful being and I am so glad to bust my ass to becoming a better person just to show how to succed in life!
I am a single mother and only 22. I know a lot of men in my age range want NOTHING to do with me as a single mother or my child. I am hoping that I can find an older man in his 30s who is also a single parent and will understand what it means to have a child. However, I am scared that maybe no man will want me and I am destined to be "alone" until the end.
My EX's one sperm and my one egg from that month came together to create such a wonderful child, a healthy, happy, smart girl with an adorable smile and heart wrenching laugh. Had I not gotten pregnant when I did I would not have my daughter exactly as she is now. I couldn't imagine her any other way. She is such a magnificant soul. I work hard and educate myself every way I can just so she has that much more chance of success in her life.
OP, I agree with you. Men generally do not respect single mothers as much as those who have children in the context of committed relationships. However, as you note, they will seek them out for sex.
I don't think all hope is lost for your friend though. If she starts respecting herself more (a good start would be to no longer sleep with another woman's man), there are still plenty of good guys she can snag if she so desires. Plently of men will gladly take on the responsibilities of daddy for the right woman's child.
Oh man I really don't know... I know I made a mistake, there are much better ways I could have handled what was delt to me. My daughter means so much to me though, I will gladly take the reprocussions and lack of intrest from men for her!!! She is such a beatiful being and I am so glad to bust my ass to becoming a better person just to show how to succed in life!
I am a single mother and only 22. I know a lot of men in my age range want NOTHING to do with me as a single mother or my child. I am hoping that I can find an older man in his 30s who is also a single parent and will understand what it means to have a child. However, I am scared that maybe no man will want me and I am destined to be "alone" until the end.
My EX's one sperm and my one egg from that month came together to create such a wonderful child, a healthy, happy, smart girl with an adorable smile and heart wrenching laugh. Had I not gotten pregnant when I did I would not have my daughter exactly as she is now. I couldn't imagine her any other way. She is such a magnificant soul. I work hard and educate myself every way I can just so she has that much more chance of success in her life.
Then my advice would be to learn to think like a man here.
Continue your education; while they're not just falling into your lap there are TONS of programs out there for single mothers to practically give them an education. I've personally known two different women in my area who refused to marry men who were interested in them because it would have removed some of their benefits.
Work hard at improving yourself and make DARNED sure to work hard at improving your daughter's life, in an assortment of ways:
- parent/child quality time and interaction -- just saying it doesn't catch a man's eye, at least not for long. They have to see you doing it. This sends a signal of not just responsibility, but compassionate, caring responsibility.
- making sure you keep a tidy home -- this is better for your daughter and teaches her a valuable lesson about how to conduct herself. It also sends a signal to a man that you're in control of your life.
- making sure your daughter is WELL-fed -- I'm not talking about amounts, I mean nutritious meals in there among the burger-and-fries mentality so many of us have. It's another control signal and means your daughter is taken care of at the most basic level. It will mean a LOT more to any man who witnesses a meal that she eats some peas and carrots and protein if he sees that this is NORMAL, and not just a put-on -- and yes, we can tell by way of consistency and behaviour.
- making sure your daughter is clean and well-dressed -- more control and it's one of those important things which shows a parent is actually paying attention by not shoving things onto a kid right out of the laundry basket.
- making sure your daughter is well-behaved -- absolutely PRICELESS because THIS particular signal tells a man that he could actually have a life with you. I cannot -- CANNOT -- stress the importance of this one enough, not after having experienced it myself and not after listening to lots and lots of men who tried to have relationships with single mothers complain that women with poorly-behaved children quickly demonstrate that they, themselves, are a giant mess.
They are a disciplinary mess who know no rhyme or reason. Knowing no rhyme or reason they ACT without cause or justification. Men HATE this because we know it means several things.
It means we will have to put up with this child's bad behaviour in order to be around the mother.
It means the mother lacks the skills to LEAD her children -- and call it "mothering" all you want, it's still leadership.
It means if a dispute between you and her children ever arises, even if it's because they're setting you on fire, you WILL be WRONG.
No man -- listen to me, NO MAN -- will ever want to put up with that for any longer than it takes to get laid and get out.
As a subset to making sure your daughter is well-behaved, let me stress being consistent when you discipline her.
This HELPS children, who actually crave boundaries because it lets them know how the world work. It outlines clear areas (which, admittedly, shift and change as they grow and change themselves) and clear consequences, and as long as you follow things consistently, you'll not only learn calm, you'll lead a calmer life because your daughter, once she's learned you mean what you say, will fall into line much more easily. She'll push the boundaries, all kids do; but it will be pretty easy.
This means you won't need to shout very often -- and that impresses men when a woman doesn't need to shout to discipline her children, it really is something which catches our eye in a meaningful way.
Sorry if this reads like a lot, but given your situation and what you said (the part I bolded above) in your post, I figure you'll need all the help you can get, because a man in his 30's with a child has big fish of his own to fry, and you'll have to have your best foot forward if you want to land one who IS, by way of his position of responsibility, already on guard and wary of single mothers.
I hate to say this--but I think what most men think of unwed mothers is..."well, at least we know she puts out." Of course, most men, especially the younger and more foolish, don't think too far past sex where it involves relationships with women.
Then my advice would be to learn to think like a man here.
Continue your education; while they're not just falling into your lap there are TONS of programs out there for single mothers to practically give them an education. I've personally known two different women in my area who refused to marry men who were interested in them because it would have removed some of their benefits.
Work hard at improving yourself and make DARNED sure to work hard at improving your daughter's life, in an assortment of ways:
- parent/child quality time and interaction -- just saying it doesn't catch a man's eye, at least not for long. They have to see you doing it. This sends a signal of not just responsibility, but compassionate, caring responsibility.
- making sure you keep a tidy home -- this is better for your daughter and teaches her a valuable lesson about how to conduct herself. It also sends a signal to a man that you're in control of your life.
- making sure your daughter is WELL-fed -- I'm not talking about amounts, I mean nutritious meals in there among the burger-and-fries mentality so many of us have. It's another control signal and means your daughter is taken care of at the most basic level. It will mean a LOT more to any man who witnesses a meal that she eats some peas and carrots and protein if he sees that this is NORMAL, and not just a put-on -- and yes, we can tell by way of consistency and behaviour.
- making sure your daughter is clean and well-dressed -- more control and it's one of those important things which shows a parent is actually paying attention by not shoving things onto a kid right out of the laundry basket.
- making sure your daughter is well-behaved -- absolutely PRICELESS because THIS particular signal tells a man that he could actually have a life with you. I cannot -- CANNOT -- stress the importance of this one enough, not after having experienced it myself and not after listening to lots and lots of men who tried to have relationships with single mothers complain that women with poorly-behaved children quickly demonstrate that they, themselves, are a giant mess.
They are a disciplinary mess who know no rhyme or reason. Knowing no rhyme or reason they ACT without cause or justification. Men HATE this because we know it means several things.
It means we will have to put up with this child's bad behaviour in order to be around the mother.
It means the mother lacks the skills to LEAD her children -- and call it "mothering" all you want, it's still leadership.
It means if a dispute between you and her children ever arises, even if it's because they're setting you on fire, you WILL be WRONG.
No man -- listen to me, NO MAN -- will ever want to put up with that for any longer than it takes to get laid and get out.
As a subset to making sure your daughter is well-behaved, let me stress being consistent when you discipline her.
This HELPS children, who actually crave boundaries because it lets them know how the world work. It outlines clear areas (which, admittedly, shift and change as they grow and change themselves) and clear consequences, and as long as you follow things consistently, you'll not only learn calm, you'll lead a calmer life because your daughter, once she's learned you mean what you say, will fall into line much more easily. She'll push the boundaries, all kids do; but it will be pretty easy.
This means you won't need to shout very often -- and that impresses men when a woman doesn't need to shout to discipline her children, it really is something which catches our eye in a meaningful way.
Sorry if this reads like a lot, but given your situation and what you said (the part I bolded above) in your post, I figure you'll need all the help you can get, because a man in his 30's with a child has big fish of his own to fry, and you'll have to have your best foot forward if you want to land one who IS, by way of his position of responsibility, already on guard and wary of single mothers.
Thank you for your post. How does marring a man take benifits away from a single mom??? What kind of benifits are you talking about?? lol I hope you don't mean welfare type stuff!
I totally agree on the disipline, I don't think it is just men that think that way, I would run for the hills if I met another single dad who didn't have a good healthy relationship with his child. I saw a guy with his daughter at the playground last week and he was yelling at her, she was screaming at him. He was yanking her around and she was hitting him. I gave my daughter a kiss/hug and we held hands and walked away. Very sad.
Because of my child hood I grew up as a very thankful little girl. Thankfull for my food, my bed, my clothing, my Tooth brush, my clean water to drink, and everything else in between. I hope she can grow to understand how much she has to be thankful for.
I do want to go even FURTHER with my education, I am a massage therapist right now but my goal is to be a Midwife as well as teaching infant and pediatric massage to my clients. As a single mom though that will need to wait until my daughter is much older and can take care of herself with me being away for long and akward hours.
I am not perfect (we always have more room to grow) but your post made me feel like all the hard work and struggle as a single parent will maybe pay off somewhere into the future. Not anytime soon though I still want to grow more before inviting another person into our life!!
I said single dad because I don't think many child-free men would want to be involved with us. I am not willing to pawn my daughter off on friends or my parents for multiple "fun" nights out a week at clubs, bars or fancy places. I want a man that would enjoy hiking up a mountain with us and having a picnick 10,000 ft in the sky!
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