Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
It's a pretty simple question. Why do some people keep making the same basic mistake over and over again? What keeps them from sitting up and saying, "You know, the past ten relationships I've had have been disasters. Could I have been a contributing factor to all of these?"
Not a cotton-picking thing about this that's condescending. And it's not mean, either. It's a simple, straightforward question. And if you take umbrage to it, if you consider it oriented towards you, then that's your problem.
It's not condescending, but it obviously struck a nerve with some people. I think some people who've had a history of bad relationships just don't want to admit that they deserve a lot of the blame. It's a whole lot easier to say "all those guys were jerks" than to admit "I was getting involved with people who were wrong for me and therefore it's my fault for not realizing that sooner."
It's not condescending, but it obviously struck a nerve with some people. I think some people who've had a history of bad relationships just don't want to admit that they deserve a lot of the blame. It's a whole lot easier to say "all those guys were jerks" than to admit "I was getting involved with people who were wrong for me and therefore it's my fault for not realizing that sooner."
I think a lot of people stay in bad relationships because they don't know how or when to break up. I think the art of breaking up is a rare skill that more people should practice. The best time to break up is the moment you realize the relationship isn't going anywhere.
For instance, I know lots of men who chase after a beautiful women with everything they've got. They come on strong, romance her like crazy, get intimate right away, and talk about marriage or moving in together. Then a few months later they think "OH CRAP, WHAT HAVE I DONE!"
They know they'll never marry the girl, but they don't know how to break up so they stay in the relationship longer than they should.
They do this over and over again and never seem to learn. It's like some men are just hard wired to do this.
My 34 yr old daughter has had a problem with men, but the major part of her problems is her! She wants to blame the guys she has gotten involved with for everything.......wife (not my daughters mom) and I just don't go for that! She has told me in e-mail that her communication skills are very bad which isn't a good trait for a relationship! Will she get help for this, no, but will blame the guys for any problems that happen.
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
9,516 posts, read 19,952,564 times
Reputation: 9417
Quote:
Originally Posted by cpg35223
I noticed a consistent theme on here lately. Namely, people who say, "All my friends do this...." or "All men/women do this...." followed by some character flaw.
As in "I'm not getting married because every one of my friends get divorced after a couple of years."
Or "Why do all men love me and leave me?"
I don't know about you, but isn't that really a function of badly choosing the people you hang out with? I mean, everybody has a friend or two who goes off the rails, or makes a foolish choice in their lives. But when all your friends seem to have major drama issues, seem to make incredibly boneheaded choices, etc. etc., does that mean you have poor judgment in picking your friends to begin with?
I'm boarding a plane in a bit. Feel free to talk amongst yourselves.
Maybe. But my guess is there's a lot of exaggerating and maybe embellising going on in order for the poster to make a point about a particular thing they don't like in others.
It's not condescending, but it obviously struck a nerve with some people. I think some people who've had a history of bad relationships just don't want to admit that they deserve a lot of the blame. It's a whole lot easier to say "all those guys were jerks" than to admit "I was getting involved with people who were wrong for me and therefore it's my fault for not realizing that sooner."
Because a relationship ends, does that make it a bad relationship? I've had scant truly, TRULY bad relationships, as in so horrendous that they make me question my judgment. They were what they were. If you figure out that you don't mesh with another person, the sanest and kindest thing is to let them go ASAP so they can find the one. But, it doesn't make a relationship "bad" or that anyone failed.
At the same time, I do understand what you're saying about unhealthy patterns. I have a dear friend who, for the duration of her 40 + years on this planet, has made consistently bad choices in men. They deal drugs, they have prison records, they're IN prison (currently), they're in AA, NA and bankruptcy counseling -- seriously damaged goods. She, on the other hand, is from a nice family, good education, good job, no criminal record, etc. I don't know how to talk to her anymore. A part of me wants to say, "Look, I don't want to hear about your BF's latest fustercluck." But how do you kindly tell someone, "Hey, friend? No more shenanigans with the jailbirds, m'kay?"
Lastly, I think that some of the people who respond to posts here project a lot of their own issues onto an OP's problem. There have been a lot of unhappily married men posting here recently, and it's obvious that they're being treated like a meal ticket. This doesn't mean that all of their relationships have been similar in nature. However, a lot of the time I get the impression that posters extrapolate a single instance of being a "chump" as an ongoing character flaw rather than it being simply a matter of an OP falling in love with a mercenary who hid her/his true colors very well until after the wedding bells stopped ringing.
"but you are the only one trying to be antagonistic about it. Are you this argumentative in real life too? No one here means any harm, seriously. lovesMountains"
Don't put "antagonistic" text in the rep comments if you can't/won't/don't put it in the thread. And yeh, when I think someone is being as already outlined, I have something to say about it. To not agree with someone like that, to me, is a good thing.
I think a lot of people stay in bad relationships because they don't know how or when to break up. I think the art of breaking up is a rare skill that more people should practice. The best time to break up is the moment you realize the relationship isn't going anywhere.
The flip side to that, though, is that some people quit without ever really trying to work on the relationship. Sure you may reach a point where you realize the relationship isn't going anywhere. But doesn't it make sense first to figure out how you ended up there and whether it's too late to fix it before giving up?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Melissa78703
Because a relationship ends, does that make it a bad relationship? I've had scant truly, TRULY bad relationships, as in so horrendous that they make me question my judgment. They were what they were. If you figure out that you don't mesh with another person, the sanest and kindest thing is to let them go ASAP so they can find the one. But, it doesn't make a relationship "bad" or that anyone failed.
Not all relationships that end are bad ones and I don't think anyone here is suggesting they are. But if you're someone expressing frustration with your relationship history, even if you never had a bad relationship, you can still learn a lot by putting yourself under the microscope. Maybe you're that person who never had a single bad relationship. But you're wondering why you're still single. Well it could simply be because you're pursuing the wrong people. By that I mean they're wrong for you, not that they're necessarily bad people. But what I think a lot of people end up doing is still making it about the other person. She was too this or not enough of that. But what about you?
It's not condescending, but it obviously struck a nerve with some people. I think some people who've had a history of bad relationships just don't want to admit that they deserve a lot of the blame. It's a whole lot easier to say "all those guys were jerks" than to admit "I was getting involved with people who were wrong for me and therefore it's my fault for not realizing that sooner."
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
