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I was/am still married 7 years and for 3 of those 7 years my husband had an affair with a co-worker who lives exactly 4.0 miles from my home. We have 3 children, 2 he adopted from my previous and we had one together. It has been almost to the day one year after he told me of his affair. He did come clean and admit his wrong doings. We have been thru the emotional roller coaster and all of the things that come with healing from the affair as he claims he REALLY wants our marriage to work and that it was a mistake? A 3 year mistake? How can you make a mistake for that long? How can a man take his "free will" and what ever else comes with that free will, to do something so horrible to the person they are supposed to honor?
Ok - let suppose I am willing to accept that it was a "mistake" and that I have offered forgiveness, not only to him, but to the other woman as well - she stalked me on a regular basis and according to him she fantasized about being in my place. I am a stay at home mom, not to mention 10 years younger than she is and wealthier. Oh well - we have a restraining order on her for the stalking. The 3 days we did get to talk she called me by my previous married name - in which I was only married for 6 months and did not re-marry for 17 years.
So, I decided that I would write this woman a letter telling her that I understood that we were both lied to on a regular basis. I was hoping that we could find some common ground to compare past by email (not face to face as I have no idea if I could control my rage at him and her) to see what exactly we were lied to about. That I meant her no malice and that I felt sorry for her that she dated a man for 3 years and then all of a sudden it comes to a stretching haut (if this is true), that if she had any feelings for him what so ever - which she must have or she wouldn't have stayed in the relationship for so long - NOT that I dismissed her blame to the situation because she knew up front he was married. He claims the rule he set forth to her was that she was not to cause him ANY unnecessary grief what so ever or he would stop seeing her. But if not her, then he would have taken someone else, as I believe he was destine to stray no matter what.
Can you believe this woman is afraid to talk to me? She said she wasn't doing HIM any favors??? Him favors?? Isn't it a benefitting factor for her to find out what SHE was lied to about. For the 3 days we did talk almost a year ago now, more than half of the information she provided me with about me or my family and events was completely wrong and/or false. Do ya think she is still waiting in the backlight waiting for him to come back around or do you think it is over? Maybe he never stopped seeing her? I went missing for 24 hours this weekend leaving my husband and the kids to fend for themselves. His attitude about me now is different. Hhhhhmmmm What about all those times he left me wondering where he was??? Would love someone's opinion about all of this as I am about to explode!!
So, it has been a year now since you found out about the affair. Have you been living in doubt all this time, wondering if they are still seeing each other, etc? I mean, a year has gone by, and it sounds that you are not over the affair at all, or will be anytime soon.
Whats the big deal for you to talk to the other woman? Whats done is done. I wouldn`t want the details, or this affair threw in my face anymore, especially if you are trying to give your marriage a second chance. You need to forgive him, forget it, and move on!
I think counceling would be good for you both, together. It would give you a chance to get some of these feelings out that you are still carrying around with you.
Your husband having a 3 year affair, would be something very difficult to get over, but if you still care enough for him that you think you could forgive him, learn to trust him, etc..go for it.
If you don`t, then let it go! Good luck!!
I don't think the letter is a good idea. What makes you think the other woman will tell you the truth? If she's still interested in your husband, she has all the reason she needs to lie. If she's no longer interested, she may want to hurt him by lying. It also sounds like you don't trust your husband. The question becomes, do you think you'll ever be able to trust him again?
I don't understand why you want to have anything to do with her. You're either asking her to help you save your marriage (by comparing notes and learning he was telling the truth) or destroy it (by adding fuel to the fire). If this woman didn't know about you, why would she want to be in either of those positions? She probably just wants the both of you to just disappear.
I was/am still married 7 years and for 3 of those 7 years my husband had an affair with a co-worker who lives exactly 4.0 miles from my home. We have 3 children, 2 he adopted from my previous and we had one together. It has been almost to the day one year after he told me of his affair. He did come clean and admit his wrong doings. We have been thru the emotional roller coaster and all of the things that come with healing from the affair as he claims he REALLY wants our marriage to work and that it was a mistake? A 3 year mistake? How can you make a mistake for that long? How can a man take his "free will" and what ever else comes with that free will, to do something so horrible to the person they are supposed to honor?
Ok - let suppose I am willing to accept that it was a "mistake" and that I have offered forgiveness, not only to him, but to the other woman as well - she stalked me on a regular basis and according to him she fantasized about being in my place. I am a stay at home mom, not to mention 10 years younger than she is and wealthier. Oh well - we have a restraining order on her for the stalking. The 3 days we did get to talk she called me by my previous married name - in which I was only married for 6 months and did not re-marry for 17 years.
So, I decided that I would write this woman a letter telling her that I understood that we were both lied to on a regular basis. I was hoping that we could find some common ground to compare past by email (not face to face as I have no idea if I could control my rage at him and her) to see what exactly we were lied to about. That I meant her no malice and that I felt sorry for her that she dated a man for 3 years and then all of a sudden it comes to a stretching haut (if this is true), that if she had any feelings for him what so ever - which she must have or she wouldn't have stayed in the relationship for so long - NOT that I dismissed her blame to the situation because she knew up front he was married. He claims the rule he set forth to her was that she was not to cause him ANY unnecessary grief what so ever or he would stop seeing her. But if not her, then he would have taken someone else, as I believe he was destine to stray no matter what.
Can you believe this woman is afraid to talk to me? She said she wasn't doing HIM any favors??? Him favors?? Isn't it a benefitting factor for her to find out what SHE was lied to about. For the 3 days we did talk almost a year ago now, more than half of the information she provided me with about me or my family and events was completely wrong and/or false. Do ya think she is still waiting in the backlight waiting for him to come back around or do you think it is over? Maybe he never stopped seeing her? I went missing for 24 hours this weekend leaving my husband and the kids to fend for themselves. His attitude about me now is different. Hhhhhmmmm What about all those times he left me wondering where he was??? Would love someone's opinion about all of this as I am about to explode!!
Frankly, if I were in her shoes I would not talk to you either.
Let it go and deal with your marriage - your husband is the problem, not this other woman.
"Comparing notes" with her makes no sense and won't change a thing about what has happened, especially if she still loves him and believes anything/everything he's told her.
The other woman isn't the problem. You need to work on your own relationship if you want to keep it. The other woman was just a symptom. Talking or corresponding with her won't fix the problem. Do you know why your H did what he did? For 3 years? He is the one you need to talk to.
Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting and I know it would always be in the back of my head that my husband has already proven he is capable of infidelity. I think trust is the hardest part, learning to trust your SO again. Sometimes the trust and respect won't come back and you are better off dissolving the relationship. You will know in time. One year probably isn't enough. I gave it too long, 10 years, and in retrospect that was too much.
In the meanwhile, face the reality that you may end up without this man and his financial support. You need to start working and getting to the point where you have your own money and can support your family. Just be grateful you had your SAHM time and prepare for the future. Work on you and get yourself in good shape mentally and physically. Get all your medical/dental work done while you still have his insurance. Strangely enough, preparing for a possible future without him may be the ticket to saving the relationship. When he sees you finding a life of your own, you may become much more interesting to him and he may realize you now have options and choices. This may force him to stop taking you for granted. There is no downside to doing all this. It's good for you and no matter what, leaves you in a better place.
The letter is / was a bad idea. You don't have any right to talk to that other woman, she wasn't lied to. She knew about you and accepted your husband as her own man for the times they were together. She is no better than him, there is NO common ground you two share other than his member. You can be angry but you should not contact her.
Second, your husband didn't make a mistake. A mistake would be fumbling around in a dark alley and touching her boob - ok, mistake. A three year RELATIONSHIP is not a mistake. I'm sorry to be so blunt. Your husband finally told you not due to guilt but because she was probably getting too attached or probably said something that made him watch his own back.
Whatever though, that's all neither here nor there. The fact is, he cheated on you while you were home caring for HIS children (adopted or not, at least one is biologically his). He laid down with this woman, for God only knows the amount of times over a three year period. Some marriages don't even last that long.
Wake up honey. If you have trouble accepting all of this, it's not gonna get easier. The more you think about it the more questions are going to come to mind. You are going to analyze every second of your life over the past three years and it's going to drive you mad.
If you want to stay married, you should seek out a really good therapist. If you want to divorce, I'm sure he'll understand why.
If I were in your shoes, I'd take my money, my kids and my belongings, call a good attorney and move out. This wasn't some drunken one night stand - he carried on a relationship. Think about your kids and how you want them raised and what kind of environment you want them in. Kids know more than you think and they figure things out.
Well - some time has passed, and I did send a note to her - after I got so angry that I disapeared for the night! He became humble - breifly. She never answered but supposedly told my husband that "she wasn't doing him any favors." (by sharing anything about their affair) His rule for her was that she cause him no grief what-so-ever; so, there is a chance he has her still in his back pocket. He then took me on a day-date and signed our house over to me, in which I feel he should have done YEARS ago! He has turned things around on me tho!! Now all of a sudden HE can't trust me because HE has no idea what I did the ONE night I was gone and now holds that over my head. I have been sick recently with strep. While he thought I was asleep, I found him being verbally abusive to the children - he is a looser and I wish sometimes he was gone. I am currently working on getting a spring plan in motion, looking for a good attorney and figuring out how I will pay for it. The trust here is so damaged, I doubt seriously there is anything left to salvage. I'm gonna try to get thru the holidays and see where this goes. Doesn't appear so hopeful!! Thanks for your imputs!! It really helps to have someone else's point of view - knowing inside that all this info is correct!! Thanks!
Well - some time has passed, and I did send a note to her - after I got so angry that I disapeared for the night! He became humble - breifly. She never answered but supposedly told my husband that "she wasn't doing him any favors." (by sharing anything about their affair) His rule for her was that she cause him no grief what-so-ever; so, there is a chance he has her still in his back pocket. He then took me on a day-date and signed our house over to me, in which I feel he should have done YEARS ago! He has turned things around on me tho!! Now all of a sudden HE can't trust me because HE has no idea what I did the ONE night I was gone and now holds that over my head. I have been sick recently with strep. While he thought I was asleep, I found him being verbally abusive to the children - he is a looser and I wish sometimes he was gone. I am currently working on getting a spring plan in motion, looking for a good attorney and figuring out how I will pay for it. The trust here is so damaged, I doubt seriously there is anything left to salvage. I'm gonna try to get thru the holidays and see where this goes. Doesn't appear so hopeful!! Thanks for your imputs!! It really helps to have someone else's point of view - knowing inside that all this info is correct!! Thanks!
Frankly, you could have went out that one night and slept with 10 different men but it doesn't cancel out what he did for 3 years.
In your original post you said you were wealthy (at least wealthier than the other woman), use some of that wealth to get an attorney now.
He's verbally abusive to your children and you're going to wait it out through the holidays? Woman, please. The house is in your name, kick his sorry butt out immediately, for your children's sake!
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How can a man take his "free will" and what ever else comes with that free will, to do something so horrible to the person they are supposed to honor? 
The house is in your name, kick his sorry butt out immediately, for your children's sake!
