U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 09-27-2010, 01:53 PM
 
Location: Tucson
42,835 posts, read 84,099,722 times
Reputation: 22814

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by Toxiclove View Post
I think he is bluffing. It never gets that far because I always beg him to stay. I will not this time. No matter how much it hurts, I am not going to beg him to stay.
Exactly. He thinks you always bark, but never will bite. He's sure you'll be begging again. Don't initiate anything - just calmly accept his decision! You may be surprised by the results!
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 09-27-2010, 02:01 PM
 
Location: Broken Promise Land
301 posts, read 790,315 times
Reputation: 505
Quote:
Originally Posted by sierraAZ View Post
Exactly. He thinks you always bark, but never will bite. He's sure you'll be begging again. Don't initiate anything - just calmly accept his decision! You may be surprised by the results!
That is my plan. I want him to change his life. As much as I want to be with him, I want him to be a good role model for our boys more. I don't want that cycle to continue. I want him to hold himself accountable for the failure of our marriage.

If he loves me, really loves me, he will give up alcohol for good. I have made the decision not to be with him anymore as long as he drinks. I want a divorce. If he wants me back, wants our family back, he will show it over the next couple of years by being sober.

However, I am not holding my breath. It will hurt him losing me very badly. The only way he copes with pain is by drinking himself stupid and having sex with women. That is what I think will happen unfortunately. But, at least by doing this, I am giving my boys the chance of having a good role model whether it be their father or another man some day. Or even just me. Because whatever anyone might have to say about a single mom, I will give my boys everything.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-27-2010, 02:07 PM
 
Location: Tucson
42,835 posts, read 84,099,722 times
Reputation: 22814
Quote:
Originally Posted by Toxiclove View Post
However, I am not holding my breath. It will hurt him losing me very badly. The only way he copes with pain is by drinking himself stupid and having sex with women.
Probably... Sometimes unexpected outcomes do happen, though. It’s just that so far he never took you seriously. You were like his Mommy – just throwing fits without any real consequences. Once he sees you do mean business, he may start singing a completely different tune!
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-27-2010, 03:53 PM
 
Location: 39 20' 59"N / 75 30' 53"W
16,079 posts, read 26,633,686 times
Reputation: 18129
Quote:
Originally Posted by Toxiclove View Post
That is my plan. I want him to change his life. As much as I want to be with him, I want him to be a good role model for our boys more. I don't want that cycle to continue. I want him to hold himself accountable for the failure of our marriage.

If he loves me, really loves me, he will give up alcohol for good. I have made the decision not to be with him anymore as long as he drinks. I want a divorce. If he wants me back, wants our family back, he will show it over the next couple of years by being sober.

However, I am not holding my breath. It will hurt him losing me very badly. The only way he copes with pain is by drinking himself stupid and having sex with women. That is what I think will happen unfortunately. But, at least by doing this, I am giving my boys the chance of having a good role model whether it be their father or another man some day. Or even just me. Because whatever anyone might have to say about a single mom, I will give my boys everything.
^^^This sounds sensible and reasonable.

He has the best of two worlds, his addiction plus you and his kids. His addiction will make as many promises as necessary to keep it that way.

I don't agree with posters who've said in another thread that these people only love themselves and don't have the capacity to love their SOs or spouses, but I don't believe they have the power to change them either.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-27-2010, 03:55 PM
 
8,680 posts, read 14,453,109 times
Reputation: 15302
Quote:
Originally Posted by Toxiclove View Post
So, he started yelling at me (on the phone) and said that if I didn't trust him he would move out at the end of October and hung up on me.
And I'd have responded, "I'll help you pack." The locks would be changed on November 1, too.

Seriously, I know it's hard, but as others have said, the sooner you get on with it, the sooner you can build a new life for yourself.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-27-2010, 04:02 PM
 
Location: Ohio
751 posts, read 1,581,808 times
Reputation: 663
Quote:
Originally Posted by Toxiclove View Post
I'm finally ready to let go of my husband. I think. I keep changing my mind. I keep second guessing. How can I know if I'm making the right decision?? Do you believe the whole "let em go and if they come back" stuff? I want him to quit drinking. I feel like if I leave, I will be giving him the chance to get his life together and even if he ends up with someone else, he will be a better person and a better father. But, I love him so much.

There is just so much water under the bridge. I can't trust him no matter what he does. I don't think he can undo what he has done. I feel really confused. Help.

If you can't trust him then why stay in the relationship.If I felt I could no longer trust someone then they wouldn't be in my life.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-27-2010, 04:44 PM
 
1,160 posts, read 2,234,270 times
Reputation: 1433
OP, My first marriage fell apart due to drug addiction. My exH was a wonderful, kind, compassionate soul. But when he was on drugs, that man went away. I realized that I "aided and abetted" by being the sole breadwinner, picking up his slack, making his excuses and basically enabling his lifestyle. When he finally got arrested, that was the the last straw. He never once admitted that he had a problem .... and that was the biggest problem.

Like you, I harped on it and then when he didn't quit using, I distanced myself from him. I too found him repulsive -- his skin and mouth stank, and his behavior was odious. (And people call smokers and coffee-drinkers bad???!!!) We went to many counselors, but none that specialized in addiction. After our marriage ended, I did go to NA/AA and sought counseling, where I discovered that the kindest thing I could have done for both of us was to separate from him until he agreed to go into a rehab program.

As soon as I left, he sobered up. I'd like to say that it was because he wanted me back, but it was because he had no other choice, with no other money coming in. He had to stand on his own two feet or move back in with his mother or father. I like to think that I helped make him a better person for the next woman. At age 40, he got his first permanent job at a pretty well-known law firm (he had a JD). I never told him, but I was extremely proud at how he turned his life around.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-27-2010, 05:17 PM
 
Location: Tennessee
16,224 posts, read 24,280,051 times
Reputation: 24069
Quote:
Originally Posted by Avienne View Post
And I'd have responded, "I'll help you pack." The locks would be changed on November 1, too.

Seriously, I know it's hard, but as others have said, the sooner you get on with it, the sooner you can build a new life for yourself.

I agree, and your kids. I wouldn`t want my kids to be raised in this mess, myself. Good luck!!
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-27-2010, 06:16 PM
 
Location: Las Vegas
14,221 posts, read 28,028,621 times
Reputation: 27565
I've read your other posts so I know a little of the history. With the way things are right now, I don't see any happy endings. Save yourself and the kids and follow through. Don't give up and give in. You can't fix him but you can fix you.

Just yesterday, the drunk who killed a California baseball pitcher was convicted of DUI. Today he was convicted of 3 counts of murder. Sentencing will be in December. You can bet between the lawsuits and the murder rap, this guys family will be left with nothing but huge debts. Which his wife, if he has one, is also responsible for. And this drunk's family has to live with the idea that dad went out bombed and killed 3 guys.

Move on. Get the divorce and legal separation asap. Protect yourself and the kids. If H wants to straighten himself up, he will.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-27-2010, 06:38 PM
 
Location: Broken Promise Land
301 posts, read 790,315 times
Reputation: 505
Quote:
Originally Posted by yellowsnow View Post
I've read your other posts so I know a little of the history. With the way things are right now, I don't see any happy endings. Save yourself and the kids and follow through. Don't give up and give in. You can't fix him but you can fix you.

Just yesterday, the drunk who killed a California baseball pitcher was convicted of DUI. Today he was convicted of 3 counts of murder. Sentencing will be in December. You can bet between the lawsuits and the murder rap, this guys family will be left with nothing but huge debts. Which his wife, if he has one, is also responsible for. And this drunk's family has to live with the idea that dad went out bombed and killed 3 guys.

Move on. Get the divorce and legal separation asap. Protect yourself and the kids. If H wants to straighten himself up, he will.
I am moving on. When I told him that I would not be with him as long as he drank, he responded with "If I quit drinking will you trust me 100%". I could not say that I could. How can I promise that to him. Trust is earned. He has not earned my trust. Besides he has said he would quit before and started again a few months later. I told him that I wanted him to move out and show me that he can be sober for at least a year. Then, we can talk maybe. I also told him that I am okay if he finds someone else during this time. I am willing to live with that. I told him I love him that he does not need alcohol and that he is an amazing guy.

All that being said, he is out getting smashed right now.

Well. It is what it is. I cannot continue to enable and say that I love him. He doesn't know it now and may never, but I am saying I love him by leaving him.

He is sending me drunk texts saying he knows I'm sleeping with someone else and that is the real reason.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
Similar Threads

All times are GMT -6. The time now is 11:33 PM.

© 2005-2022, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Contact Us - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 - Top