U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 09-27-2010, 06:45 PM
 
Location: 39 20' 59"N / 75 30' 53"W
16,081 posts, read 26,444,379 times
Reputation: 18124

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by Toxiclove View Post
He is sending me drunk texts saying he knows I'm sleeping with someone else and that is the real reason.
He'll blame you as the reason he drinks too. Anything to avoid the truth.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 09-28-2010, 12:04 AM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,246 posts, read 94,525,008 times
Reputation: 40085
Quote:
Originally Posted by Toxiclove View Post
I am moving on. When I told him that I would not be with him as long as he drank, he responded with "If I quit drinking will you trust me 100%". I could not say that I could. How can I promise that to him. Trust is earned. He has not earned my trust. Besides he has said he would quit before and started again a few months later. I told him that I wanted him to move out and show me that he can be sober for at least a year. Then, we can talk maybe. I also told him that I am okay if he finds someone else during this time. I am willing to live with that. I told him I love him that he does not need alcohol and that he is an amazing guy.

All that being said, he is out getting smashed right now.

Well. It is what it is. I cannot continue to enable and say that I love him. He doesn't know it now and may never, but I am saying I love him by leaving him.

He is sending me drunk texts saying he knows I'm sleeping with someone else and that is the real reason.

Hugs to you honey.

I know it's hard, but getting your kids out of this situation is the best thing you can do for them. Best of luck.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-28-2010, 01:25 AM
 
1,496 posts, read 2,296,879 times
Reputation: 752
NO , U can not leave, u need give him more time to know the important of the family.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-28-2010, 03:30 AM
 
14,134 posts, read 12,663,384 times
Reputation: 9671
Toxiclove, I must be honest here. Most drunks and druggies I have know, who have been abandoned, due to their addiction, have never changed. They usually do end up with someone who is also an alcoholic/drug user, down the road. And they usually just get worse. God bless you and your children. Please stay strong for the children.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-28-2010, 05:37 AM
 
Location: New Hampshire/Central FL
4,849 posts, read 5,260,654 times
Reputation: 3731
Quote:
Originally Posted by Toxiclove View Post
I'm finally ready to let go of my husband. I think. I keep changing my mind. I keep second guessing. How can I know if I'm making the right decision??
I am sorry but things rarely change.

I wish I could have 2 years of my life back...but I can't. I gave chance after chance after chance and NOTHING changed.

You will know you made the right decision when you look back and you realize you are much better off.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-28-2010, 06:12 AM
 
3,784 posts, read 5,822,438 times
Reputation: 7777
I had a sister who was an alcoholic. We all (the family) did everything we could to help her. But in the end even her love for her beloved daughters was not enough to make her stop drinking. She died alone at age 60. Because we had all removed ourselves from the situation after trying everything, her body was not discovered for a month. It was beyond sad but we knew that only she could make the decision to get sober and she chose not to.
You must get away from him now. For your sake and your children's sake. As long as you stay, he will not be in fear of losing you. Even the fear of losing his family may not be enough to sober him up. Leave and make a new life for yourself. If he does sober up, wait at least a year to see if he stays clean before even considering reuniting.
Be strong for your children. Sending you big hugs.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-28-2010, 07:15 AM
 
Location: Ohio
2,176 posts, read 8,689,099 times
Reputation: 3948
Ask yourself the age old question.
Is your future and the kids future better if you leave him. Only you can determine that.
I can quarantee you one thing. He won't stop drinking if you leave. It might make him even more dependant on the booze. And he will find someone who shares his own weakness.
Doesn't sound like you really want a divorce. You just want your husband to be a good husband, father, and provider.
You might try to explain to him how important he is to you and the kids, how much you all love him, and how much you want him to change his habits so the family can have a better and more stable family life and that you are concerned about his health and don't want his habit to cost you all to lose the future you planned and worked for in the beginning.
If that doesn't change anything, then maybe it is time to ask yourself that age old questiion again.

There are agencies that can help you through this. And if you can get him to admit he has a problem, they can help him too.
I wish you and your family the best. Sounds like basicaly he is a decent person with a problem he can't voluntarily control.
If you could get him to admit to that and seek help, that could start the beginning of a new life for all of you.
But you can only help those that want to help themselves. It he won't do that, maybe it is time to do what is best for you.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-28-2010, 08:14 AM
 
Location: Broken Promise Land
301 posts, read 786,769 times
Reputation: 505
He said that he would quit but only if I stayed with him and trusted him 100%.

The problem is that I cannot trust him. He has said that he would quit many times. I married him on the promise that he would never drink again. 3 months into our marriage, he started drinking again. I'm not that naive girl anymore. I know that he isn't going to stop.

Those who think I should give him another chance, I have. Many chances. I told him the last two times before when he threatened to leave, he had better be ready to pack his bags. I took it back both times. This time, I can't. He will never respect me if I do not follow through with this. I do not believe he will quit drinking if I stay with him and if he did, he would resent me and do whatever he could to make me think he is better as a drunk than as a sober man. I've been there. He has "tried" to quit before.

Only he can change himself. I cannot live this life anymore. I'm tired and hurting. I don't want to hurt anymore.

I do really hope that this wakes him up and he gets the help he needs. I'm not holding my breath though. He's angry right now and lashing out at me. Saying hurtful things. He took his ring off before work. He is trying to make me feel bad. When that doesn't work, I wonder what he will do next.

I know he loves me. He will always regret this, but he will find a way to blame me for it all. It's just the way his alcoholic brain works.

And, whoever said that he will find someone else who shares his addiction, you are probably right. I am the only woman he has ever been with that hasn't shared the addiction. He said that I don't love him. But, I do love him. I love him enough not to be like everyone else in his life.

His own mother got him a birthday card this month that said, "Some people see this glass as half empty. Some people see this glass as half full, You see it and think, "Let's pour out the water and fill it with beer!" Happy Birthday"

NICE!

I love him enough to let him go. I love myself and my children enough to stop enabling him. I've committed myself to a year of not getting involved with any other man. This is a new thing for me because I am co dependent and I have never left a relationship without a new one to go to. I need to be alone and figure out why I let myself stay in this relationship for so long in the first place so that I never let this happen again.

In a perfect world, my husband will wake up and work hard to win me back.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-28-2010, 08:22 AM
 
Location: Where we enjoy all four seasons
20,799 posts, read 9,183,284 times
Reputation: 15919
Sounds like you have made a sound decision...my heart goes out to you but you sound so strong and determined and that is what will get you through this....in a while you will ask yourself why you stayed and put up with it for so long.

You are doing the best thing for yourself and children and you also will need some healing. There are great groups out there for you all.

My husband's cousin has destroyed his family....his wife died when their youngest was 9 and he has been using the excuse of her death which we all know is JUST and excuse. The kids are scarred for life because of his addictions.

Be well and I wish you the best in your new life. You will be fine!!!!
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-28-2010, 08:25 AM
 
9,410 posts, read 12,854,902 times
Reputation: 20287
Quote:
Originally Posted by Toxiclove View Post
He said that he would quit but only if I stayed with him and trusted him 100%.
Alcoholics always say they will quit but only if...

It is a manipulative technique that should be ignored.

I don't like to advise leaving a marriage but in your case, I do. The broken trust combined with the alcoholism makes this marriage almost impossible to be a working partner in.

A trial separation, some counseling for you to gain perspective into why you do what you do and then some help to change these actions will really help you to get strong emotionally and psychologically.

I know you love him deeply but eventually you will come to see it is not really reciprocated in a healthy manner at all. That desperate yearning for him will start to fade.

I wish you all the best TL. You are doing the right thing for you and your child and some day you will see that too.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
Similar Threads

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2021, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Contact Us - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 - Top