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Old 09-28-2010, 07:36 AM
 
Location: Corydon, IN
3,687 posts, read 4,680,458 times
Reputation: 7578

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Toxiclove View Post
He's an alcoholic. A typical "functioning" alcoholic. A terrible drunk. There is NO physical abuse. But, he is two people. The drunk I abhor and the man I love deeply. When he is the drunk, he is belligerent and makes poor decisions (cheating, dui's, etc). I cannot imagine that anything but me leaving could make him quit. I enable him because I'm codependent. He tries to quit every time he does something bad like cheating. He has never sober cheated or sober did anything unforgivable. His father, grandfather are both alcoholics. Serious ones just like him. He has been drinking heavily since 14. He is 30 now. I see his father. I do not want to be married to his father. I just don't know what to do. I can let go and he could go off the deep end and lose himself to alcohol or I can let go and he can realize what he has lost and fix himself. I want a divorce. I look at my ring and it means nothing but broken promises. The vows I took are still intact, but I don't have faith in them anymore. I think if the right man came along, I would cheat too. I don't want to leave him for another man. I want to leave him for myself and the boys and him. I want to be with him. I just want to make the right decision. It's so painful.


Walking away is painful, and it's NOT easy, no matter what kind of things people may tell you which revolve around "just DO it".

However, much as I don't encourage anyone to leave, in a case like this with a spouse who behaves one way under the influence of narcotics and a different way when not intoxicated -- leaving just may be for the best.

That's easy for me to SAY; I'm not standing in your shoes.

It's clear from your reticence that either A) you're scared to commit to the action (and there's NOTHING wrong with that unless it causes harm) or B) you really love this person and don't want to leave.

It's probably a bit of both.

I'd say sit down and tell him -- "This is IT. I can't and won't deal with this anymore, and as much as I don't want to end this marriage, this is your last chance. I'm not kidding: This really is the last one. You can quit drinking, period, now and forever, and keep your family together or you can play games and we're leaving. I'm sorry it's come to this, but there's the situation and now you have a decision to make."

You'll have an answer in very short order, and I don't mean the promises of change. I mean you'll either SEE change or you will not; and I'm sorry, but not seeing change immediately really IS an answer, even if the other person never says a thing.

Good luck with this; I really, really hope he comes around and the two of you can get your lives back together. But if he doesn't, then I hope YOU can get YOUR life back together without him, because we can try and try, but things like this are up to the other person and there's not a flippin' thing we can do about it. You can't cure him or quit drinking FOR him; that one's out of your hands.
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Old 09-28-2010, 07:45 AM
 
Location: Broken Promise Land
301 posts, read 786,087 times
Reputation: 505
Quote:
Originally Posted by Urban Sasquatch View Post

I'd say sit down and tell him -- "This is IT. I can't and won't deal with this anymore, and as much as I don't want to end this marriage, this is your last chance. I'm not kidding: This really is the last one. You can quit drinking, period, now and forever, and keep your family together or you can play games and we're leaving. I'm sorry it's come to this, but there's the situation and now you have a decision to make."
I did this yesterday. He said he would quit if I would trust him 100% from now on meaning I don't question where he is, what he is doing, or who he might be with. Impossible, he has cheated on me. I can't rightfully say that I will trust him. So, what would happen the next time I didn't trust him? He would use it as an excuse to start drinking again. I told him yesterday that I wanted him to be sober for a year. I wanted to separate for a year. He on his own made the choice to go out after work to a bar and get drunk and come home and drink in front of my face. If he were serious about me and salvaging our life together, he would of come directly home after work and sat down with me and convinced me to give him one last chance to prove that he is the man I deserve and that he will quit drinking. He didn't do this. I do not have any other choice but to stick with my decision to part ways. Actions speak louder than words. I'm sure if I had agreed to his trust him 100% and stay with him, he would of come home sober. I wanted him to come home sober on his own and try for once in our marriage to keep me and to do the right thing. I am sad that he didn't. I held it together though until he left this morning and then I cried. I also kept my ring on. He took his off and left it with me before he left for work. Only then, did I take mine off. I am not responsible for this. I have done everything I can.
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Old 09-28-2010, 07:48 AM
 
Location: The Hall of Justice
25,906 posts, read 39,726,281 times
Reputation: 42668
I'm very sorry it has come to this, TL. I think you are doing the right thing and can tell it is an agonizing decision for you. I hope your husband wakes up--and sobers up--but you have to live life for yourself and your son right now.
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Old 09-28-2010, 07:51 AM
 
Location: Broken Promise Land
301 posts, read 786,087 times
Reputation: 505
Quote:
Originally Posted by JustJulia View Post
I'm very sorry it has come to this, TL. I think you are doing the right thing and can tell it is an agonizing decision for you. I hope your husband wakes up--and sobers up--but you have to live life for yourself and your son right now.
Thank you. I have two boys though. I just wanted to clarify that because everyone keeps saying my son or my child. I have two beautiful boys.
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Old 09-28-2010, 08:02 AM
 
3,261 posts, read 5,007,589 times
Reputation: 3977
Quote:
Originally Posted by Toxiclove View Post
I love him enough to let him go. I love myself and my children enough to stop enabling him. I've committed myself to a year of not getting involved with any other man. This is a new thing for me because I am co dependent and I have never left a relationship without a new one to go to. I need to be alone and figure out why I let myself stay in this relationship for so long in the first place so that I never let this happen again.

In a perfect world, my husband will wake up and work hard to win me back.

Good for you. Focus on yourself and your kids. I wish you & your boys the very best of luck.
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Old 09-28-2010, 08:17 AM
 
47,528 posts, read 65,208,785 times
Reputation: 22377
I think you need to quit having everything revolve around him - if he's cheated on you, then he broke the vows and the marriage is over. Alcohol just gives him an excuse to do what he wants to do.
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Old 09-28-2010, 08:35 AM
 
12,587 posts, read 15,404,840 times
Reputation: 15192
Quote:
Originally Posted by Toxiclove View Post
He's an alcoholic. A typical "functioning" alcoholic. A terrible drunk. There is NO physical abuse. But, he is two people. The drunk I abhor and the man I love deeply. When he is the drunk, he is belligerent and makes poor decisions (cheating, dui's, etc). I cannot imagine that anything but me leaving could make him quit. I enable him because I'm codependent. He tries to quit every time he does something bad like cheating. He has never sober cheated or sober did anything unforgivable. His father, grandfather are both alcoholics. Serious ones just like him. He has been drinking heavily since 14. He is 30 now. I see his father. I do not want to be married to his father. I just don't know what to do. I can let go and he could go off the deep end and lose himself to alcohol or I can let go and he can realize what he has lost and fix himself. I want a divorce. I look at my ring and it means nothing but broken promises. The vows I took are still intact, but I don't have faith in them anymore. I think if the right man came along, I would cheat too. I don't want to leave him for another man. I want to leave him for myself and the boys and him. I want to be with him. I just want to make the right decision. It's so painful.
First of all...I'm sorry.

He's not just a drunk, he's more than that.

There are vows you both took and has shattered every one. You need to hike up your skirt and pack your bags. There is no reason for you to be there. High tail it out of there and don't look back feeling sorry for him in any way.

You get on with your life now.
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Old 09-28-2010, 08:39 AM
 
12,587 posts, read 15,404,840 times
Reputation: 15192
Quote:
Originally Posted by Toxiclove View Post
Thank you. I have two boys though. I just wanted to clarify that because everyone keeps saying my son or my child. I have two beautiful boys.
Those two boys are your reason to leave.

They don't need to see what Daddy is like. They have to realize Daddy needs to stop drinking and it is wrong.

Take care of yourself and those boys.
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Old 09-28-2010, 08:41 AM
 
Location: Where we enjoy all four seasons
20,799 posts, read 9,174,546 times
Reputation: 15914
May I just add one more thought Toxiclove........you are a lot stronger than you think you are. You said you are co-dependent and personally I am not seeing that. I see you as one strong woman who will do anything for her kids. That strength will carry you.

Be well.
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Old 09-28-2010, 08:42 AM
 
12,587 posts, read 15,404,840 times
Reputation: 15192
Quote:
Originally Posted by Toxiclove View Post
I did this yesterday. He said he would quit if I would trust him 100% from now on meaning I don't question where he is, what he is doing, or who he might be with. Impossible, he has cheated on me. I can't rightfully say that I will trust him. So, what would happen the next time I didn't trust him? He would use it as an excuse to start drinking again. I told him yesterday that I wanted him to be sober for a year. I wanted to separate for a year. He on his own made the choice to go out after work to a bar and get drunk and come home and drink in front of my face. If he were serious about me and salvaging our life together, he would of come directly home after work and sat down with me and convinced me to give him one last chance to prove that he is the man I deserve and that he will quit drinking. He didn't do this. I do not have any other choice but to stick with my decision to part ways. Actions speak louder than words. I'm sure if I had agreed to his trust him 100% and stay with him, he would of come home sober. I wanted him to come home sober on his own and try for once in our marriage to keep me and to do the right thing. I am sad that he didn't. I held it together though until he left this morning and then I cried. I also kept my ring on. He took his off and left it with me before he left for work. Only then, did I take mine off. I am not responsible for this. I have done everything I can.

He's a Jerk.

Hock the ring and move out with the money. That is...if it's worth anything.
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