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Old 09-28-2010, 09:57 AM
 
Location: Corydon, IN
3,687 posts, read 4,689,818 times
Reputation: 7578

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Toxiclove View Post
I did this yesterday. He said he would quit if I would trust him 100% from now on meaning I don't question where he is, what he is doing, or who he might be with. Impossible, he has cheated on me. I can't rightfully say that I will trust him. So, what would happen the next time I didn't trust him? He would use it as an excuse to start drinking again. I told him yesterday that I wanted him to be sober for a year. I wanted to separate for a year. He on his own made the choice to go out after work to a bar and get drunk and come home and drink in front of my face. If he were serious about me and salvaging our life together, he would of come directly home after work and sat down with me and convinced me to give him one last chance to prove that he is the man I deserve and that he will quit drinking. He didn't do this. I do not have any other choice but to stick with my decision to part ways. Actions speak louder than words. I'm sure if I had agreed to his trust him 100% and stay with him, he would of come home sober. I wanted him to come home sober on his own and try for once in our marriage to keep me and to do the right thing. I am sad that he didn't. I held it together though until he left this morning and then I cried. I also kept my ring on. He took his off and left it with me before he left for work. Only then, did I take mine off. I am not responsible for this. I have done everything I can.

If he spells out an impossible (and if he's cheated, then understandably impossible) condition then sorry, you've actually received an answer there and it's not one that spells for a future involving repair and reconciliation.

Sometimes words really do tell us all we need to know.

I suspect you should pack your bags and make your move, but again -- I'm not the one in your shoes. Leaving is DIFFICULT and not as simple as just packing a bag and gathering one's shoes.

Good luck.
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Old 09-28-2010, 04:55 PM
 
Location: Las Vegas
14,220 posts, read 27,848,955 times
Reputation: 27559
Quote:
Originally Posted by Toxiclove View Post
I am moving on. When I told him that I would not be with him as long as he drank, he responded with "If I quit drinking will you trust me 100%". I could not say that I could. How can I promise that to him. Trust is earned. He has not earned my trust. Besides he has said he would quit before and started again a few months later. I told him that I wanted him to move out and show me that he can be sober for at least a year. Then, we can talk maybe. I also told him that I am okay if he finds someone else during this time. I am willing to live with that. I told him I love him that he does not need alcohol and that he is an amazing guy.

All that being said, he is out getting smashed right now.

Well. It is what it is. I cannot continue to enable and say that I love him. He doesn't know it now and may never, but I am saying I love him by leaving him.

He is sending me drunk texts saying he knows I'm sleeping with someone else and that is the real reason.
Trite but typical alcoholic behavior. It's always someone else's fault. Always!
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Old 09-29-2010, 07:54 AM
 
Location: Broken Promise Land
301 posts, read 787,241 times
Reputation: 505


I don't know what to do. He says he will quit drinking if I stay. He is supposed to move out the middle of next month. I asked him if he will quit if he moves out and he said it will be so much harder for him to quit without me to support him. He is making me feel bad, saying that I don't want to be around him while he is in withdrawal. He says he can't do it without me, he can't do it sleeping on a couch. I love him so much. What is wrong with me. Half of me wants to stick by him and support him while he quits and goes to AAA and half of me thinks that he has to see what life is like without his family in order to ensure that even if he quits he won't start again. Anyone with experience with an alcoholic?
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Old 09-29-2010, 07:57 AM
 
Location: Where we enjoy all four seasons
20,799 posts, read 9,186,963 times
Reputation: 15919
I am sorry.........think of your kids and you.

Please don't keep falling into his trap of empty promises. It hasn't worked yet. He is not going to change.
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Old 09-29-2010, 07:59 AM
 
Location: Tucson
42,835 posts, read 83,789,616 times
Reputation: 22814
Quote:
Originally Posted by Toxiclove View Post


I don't know what to do. He says he will quit drinking if I stay.
They cynic in me says "people don't really change and if they do, it's for the worse"; the romantic says "sometimes people do change when they get a wake-up call"... It's up to you. In the grand scheme of things a few more months wouldn't make that big of a difference. It's true he may revert to his old ways once he feels no longer "on probation" so to speak, but I'd give it a shot myself.
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Old 09-29-2010, 08:01 AM
 
3,261 posts, read 5,015,757 times
Reputation: 3977
Quote:
Originally Posted by crazyworld View Post
I am sorry.........think of your kids and you.

Please don't keep falling into his trap of empty promises. It hasn't worked yet. He is not going to change.
I agree. You'll stay, he'll stop drinking (maybe) for a few days and then when you lower your guard, the cycle will start all over again.

I strongly urge you to reach out to a support group. This is tough and I'm sure it will only get tougher. You need to focus on yourself and your kids and stop feeling bad about the choices he continues to make. Doesn't sound like he thinks he has a problem, only that you think he does. Don't let his desire to appease you right now, cause you to wake up in the same place in 6 months or 6 years.
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Old 09-29-2010, 08:08 AM
 
Location: Back in the gym...Yo Adrian!
9,413 posts, read 19,303,580 times
Reputation: 18565
He's manipulating you, plain and simple. He will continue to manipulate you because he knows you too well--knows just what to say, just what to do to get the reaction he wants. In his mind you are predictable, and until you take a stand and break that pattern, nothing will change. I've seen this time and again all my life with drug addicts and alcoholics. Sober people do the same thing. The problem is about manipulation here, the alcohol just magnifies the underlying unhappiness and brings it to the surface.
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Old 09-29-2010, 08:08 AM
 
Location: Broken Promise Land
301 posts, read 787,241 times
Reputation: 505
Quote:
Originally Posted by robee70 View Post
I agree. You'll stay, he'll stop drinking (maybe) for a few days and then when you lower your guard, the cycle will start all over again.

I strongly urge you to reach out to a support group. This is tough and I'm sure it will only get tougher. You need to focus on yourself and your kids and stop feeling bad about the choices he continues to make. Doesn't sound like he thinks he has a problem, only that you think he does. Don't let his desire to appease you right now, cause you to wake up in the same place in 6 months or 6 years.
I've read that alcoholics have to stop for themselves. He says if I make him leave and he stops, he would still be stopping for me. This is an impossible situation because if I let him stay and he stops, he is still stopping "for me". He spent all night trying to charm me, but was still drinking. He was trying to convince me to let him stay that he will quit drinking "for me" all the while with a beer in his hand.
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Old 09-29-2010, 08:08 AM
 
9,410 posts, read 12,862,884 times
Reputation: 20297
Quote:
Originally Posted by Toxiclove View Post


I don't know what to do. He says he will quit drinking if I stay. He is supposed to move out the middle of next month. I asked him if he will quit if he moves out and he said it will be so much harder for him to quit without me to support him. He is making me feel bad, saying that I don't want to be around him while he is in withdrawal. He says he can't do it without me, he can't do it sleeping on a couch. I love him so much. What is wrong with me. Half of me wants to stick by him and support him while he quits and goes to AAA and half of me thinks that he has to see what life is like without his family in order to ensure that even if he quits he won't start again. Anyone with experience with an alcoholic?
As I said in an earlier post, yes I have.

You can't help him TL. It is something he must dig deep down into his heart and do himself. You can still help him but not live with him.

All of these tactics he is using is part of his manipulation. he has already proven he won't stop with you living with him. As soon as you make threats he tries to make you feel guilty by saying he can't do it alone.

He can do it alone if he chooses.

Stick to your guns for your own good.

I really suggest you go to some Al Anon meetings so you can talk to others who have been through the same thing as you, you will see each and every one has a similar pattern of behaviour. It will you you strength and insight.

I went and I saw what my life would be like if I stayed with my husband. The other women there had lived with their alcoholic husbands for many many years and I was appalled at their sadness and how much of their life was centred around their husbands drinking. It was my wake up call.
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Old 09-29-2010, 08:11 AM
 
3,261 posts, read 5,015,757 times
Reputation: 3977
Quote:
Originally Posted by sierraAZ View Post
They cynic in me says "people don't really change and if they do, it's for the worse"; the romantic says "sometimes people do change when they get a wake-up call"... It's up to you. In the grand scheme of things a few more months wouldn't make that big of a difference. It's true he may revert to his old ways once he feels no longer "on probation" so to speak, but I'd give it a shot myself.
The only time I've seen "the wake-up call" actually work is when someone believes that the other is resolved to follow through and not being wishy-washy. That's not easy to do when you love someone, but when you hit bottom even love is not enough.
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