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Old 09-29-2010, 08:15 AM
 
Location: Broken Promise Land
301 posts, read 787,691 times
Reputation: 505

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Quote:
Originally Posted by robee70 View Post
The only time I've seen "the wake-up call" actually work is when someone believes that the other is resolved to follow through and not being wishy-washy. That's not easy to do when you love someone, but when you hit bottom even love is not enough.
I started out last night great. I avoided looking in his eyes. He makes me so weak. Please no mean jokes. I'm serious. He is my addiction. I ended the night by having sex with him.

I have never been able to tell him no. Typical enabler. This is why I don't think he can stop drinking as long as we are together.
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Old 09-29-2010, 08:18 AM
 
1,561 posts, read 2,077,859 times
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My Father was a high functioning alcoholic who tried many times to quit over his life when threatened by family breakup. He never could manage to do so. Though he never cheated on my Mother or got a DUI (this I suspect was partly skill and partly blind fortune) his alcoholic behavior made for unpleasant times. She finally packed up and left him for the last time when she turned 50.

There had been several times earlier where they separated and got back together with the understanding that he had quit for good. It never happened. I took care of him til his death (75 years old) last year since he was unable to ever stop drinking no matter all the health issues it caused. Believed me every form of persuasion was tried and he was near genius (might have been genius without the effects of the alcohol) level of mentality.

He was a great guy inspite of his addiction. You could rely on him 100% for most everything with the exception of when the Vodka clouded his judgment. That he lived as long as he did, drinking as heavy as he did, was a function of genetics and also because I took care of him. He became my fishing buddy and the guy who holds the other end of the board when building things. I miss him quite a bit.

There is no saying what your husband will do, but if I was a betting man, I would say he will not quit drinking. So if that is the case can you live with it if is kept in check? If not, you need to follow through on getting on with your life without him.

There are no easy answers in life.
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Old 09-29-2010, 08:18 AM
 
Location: Broken Promise Land
301 posts, read 787,691 times
Reputation: 505
Quote:
Originally Posted by Djuna View Post
As I said in an earlier post, yes I have.

You can't help him TL. It is something he must dig deep down into his heart and do himself. You can still help him but not live with him.

All of these tactics he is using is part of his manipulation. he has already proven he won't stop with you living with him. As soon as you make threats he tries to make you feel guilty by saying he can't do it alone.

He can do it alone if he chooses.

Stick to your guns for your own good.

I really suggest you go to some Al Anon meetings so you can talk to others who have been through the same thing as you, you will see each and every one has a similar pattern of behaviour. It will you you strength and insight.

I went and I saw what my life would be like if I stayed with my husband. The other women there had lived with their alcoholic husbands for many many years and I was appalled at their sadness and how much of their life was centred around their husbands drinking. It was my wake up call.
How did you do it? Were you addicted to him like I am to my husband? I mean it when I say I'm head over heals in love with this guy. It's sad. Read my above comment about what happened last night.
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Old 09-29-2010, 08:18 AM
 
Location: Tucson
42,835 posts, read 83,828,254 times
Reputation: 22814
Quote:
Originally Posted by robee70 View Post
The only time I've seen "the wake-up call" actually work is when someone believes that the other is resolved to follow through and not being wishy-washy.
I agree. A divorce is a good shake-up. I think it's better for them to separate right now, though, so he knows she means business.
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Old 09-29-2010, 08:23 AM
 
Location: The Hall of Justice
25,906 posts, read 39,832,058 times
Reputation: 42668
Quote:
Originally Posted by Toxiclove View Post
How did you do it? Were you addicted to him like I am to my husband? I mean it when I say I'm head over heals in love with this guy. It's sad. Read my above comment about what happened last night.
What do you love about him, TL, besides the great sex? I'm not being snarky--good sex is absolutely a drug. All those endorphins mess with your judgment, and people can have addictions and withdrawals to them too.

Is he a good husband? A good father? Does he treat you kindly and with love and respect? Do you see him as a partner in your life?

I believe you when you say you are head over heels for him, but you should carefully examine what that means and why you feel that way. Physical attraction is not enough.
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Old 09-29-2010, 08:28 AM
 
3,261 posts, read 5,018,627 times
Reputation: 3977
Quote:
Originally Posted by Toxiclove View Post
I started out last night great. I avoided looking in his eyes. He makes me so weak. Please no mean jokes. I'm serious. He is my addiction. I ended the night by having sex with him.
There's really nothing to joke about. What you are going through is understandable, as far as wanting to believe him, and I know you want your love for him to "conquer" all. It's easy for us to stand on the outside and tell you what you should or shouldn't do, but don't beat yourself up for being "weak". Maybe you're not at that tipping point yet. I really hope it works out for you, Toxic.
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Old 09-29-2010, 08:29 AM
 
Location: Broken Promise Land
301 posts, read 787,691 times
Reputation: 505
Quote:
Originally Posted by JustJulia View Post
What do you love about him, TL, besides the great sex? I'm not being snarky--good sex is absolutely a drug. All those endorphins mess with your judgment, and people can have addictions and withdrawals to them too.

Is he a good husband? A good father? Does he treat you kindly and with love and respect? Do you see him as a partner in your life?

I believe you when you say you are head over heels for him, but you should carefully examine what that means and why you feel that way. Physical attraction is not enough.
It's more than physical attraction. I love the way he makes me feel even when he is just smiling at me or holding my hand. He is a good father. He takes care of me. He can make me feel so high. It's hard to explain. I swear it's like he's my drug. It sounds so pathetic. Yes, sex is great. Kissing him always feels so right. But, I just love being held by him. I love most everything about him. I love being a family. I come from a broken family. I never wanted that. However, I often wonder if being separated, quiting him like I want him to quit alcohol would change all those feelings. I've read up on addiction and those feelings I have about him are exactly like his addiction. Just replace alcohol with him. How can I help him or support him through this if I have these problems myself?
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Old 09-29-2010, 08:43 AM
 
9,410 posts, read 12,871,561 times
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By the time I decided to leave I was just sick and tired and the nonsense. I came to the realisation that I couldn't help him and I didn't want to spend my life living like we were anymore. It was hard, I can't deny it.

Sometimes we have to make hard choices though. Look for a moment into that crystal ball and see 20 years from now when that excitement and lust for him has worn thin. Nothing has changed except you are 20 years older, your kids are now both drinkers as well, your husband basically ignores you and lives his own life and you are left with what?

Your path at present leads to misery and sadness and only you can change anything. Staying with him because he is your drug of choice is a short term solution for a very long term problem.

I have to address your comment about the fact you love being a family. Your family is an illusion, it is your ideal in your mind. The reality is your boys are seeing dysfunctional behaviours and you are enabling an alcoholic to not have to have any consequences to his actions.
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Old 09-29-2010, 08:54 AM
 
Location: Broken Promise Land
301 posts, read 787,691 times
Reputation: 505
Quote:
Originally Posted by Djuna View Post
By the time I decided to leave I was just sick and tired and the nonsense. I came to the realisation that I couldn't help him and I didn't want to spend my life living like we were anymore. It was hard, I can't deny it.

Sometimes we have to make hard choices though. Look for a moment into that crystal ball and see 20 years from now when that excitement and lust for him has worn thin. Nothing has changed except you are 20 years older, your kids are now both drinkers as well, your husband basically ignores you and lives his own life and you are left with what?

Your path at present leads to misery and sadness and only you can change anything. Staying with him because he is your drug of choice is a short term solution for a very long term problem.

I have to address your comment about the fact you love being a family. Your family is an illusion, it is your ideal in your mind. The reality is your boys are seeing dysfunctional behaviours and you are enabling an alcoholic to not have to have any consequences to his actions.
He says he will quit if I stay and go to AAA. But, he will not if I make him leave. How can I live with that if I make him leave and he continues to drink himself to death? What if by making him move out, I am making the wrong decision?
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Old 09-29-2010, 08:58 AM
 
1,561 posts, read 2,077,859 times
Reputation: 2131
Quote:
Originally Posted by Toxiclove View Post
He says he will quit if I stay and go to AAA. But, he will not if I make him leave. How can I live with that if I make him leave and he continues to drink himself to death? What if by making him move out, I am making the wrong decision?
It's is not by your decision that he drinks, it is by his. Whatever happens to him is of his making. You are making the decision for yourself.
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