U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 09-29-2010, 08:09 AM
 
Location: Mountains of Oregon
16,510 posts, read 20,019,350 times
Reputation: 12463

Advertisements

Howdy TL,

Imho the only way your husband might quit drinking is through the help of AA, & going to many meetings. Every time he has the urge to drink, he should go to a meeting, & talk to other members of AA.

I'm praying for you & your loved ones.

Take gentle care of yourself & your two beloved boys.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 09-29-2010, 08:12 AM
 
Location: Where we enjoy all four seasons
20,799 posts, read 9,178,960 times
Reputation: 15914
TL what bothers me about your conversation last night with him was he was promising to quit while he had a drink in his hand.
Someone suggested Al-Anon which is great and I do believe they have one for the kids also because they notice also.

I can see that you also have an addiction for him. He knows that and is playing on that also. He has no intention of quitting. It seems to be a game that you are both playing and only you can stop it. It is never a black and white situation but please go back and read what you have written here and also what others have responded to. What if you separated with a time slot say three months and after that three month period see where it has brought the two of you. Baby steps.

Personally I think if it were my husband and I knew he had slept around that would do it for me as alcohol is NO excuse. I would not be able to get that out of my head. His charm seems to work on a few people and he knows that.

As Djuna sadly told us her tale can I ask you what will you do when down the road your sons follow that same path? Then what? Can you live with that because at that point you can't say shoulda, woulda, coulda.

I would not want to be in your shoes with this difficut situation but I think this is a situation a good counselor can help you with and you might want to take this road.

I do not know you but sometimes the best advise can come from people who are not so close to the situation. I think someone in their lifetime knows someone in this situation.

Be well.....be strong
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-29-2010, 08:56 AM
 
Location: The Hall of Justice
25,906 posts, read 39,753,280 times
Reputation: 42668
I don't think he is ready to quit if he is making it up to you. He's only agreeing to quit because you are making him, not because he wants to. If he continues drinking, that is HIS CHOICE, not something you made him do, or didn't help him not do. He's refusing to accept responsibility for his actions and own up to the fact that he can (and must) do this himself. Whether you choose to live with him while he cleans himself up is your decision.

Haven't you ever seen a movie where a bad guy is holding someone hostage and threatens, "If you come in here, I'll shoot her, and her blood will be on your hands"? It's not. The person who pulls the trigger commits the crime--nobody made him kill another person. Likewise, nobody is making your husband drink except him. Until he faces that fact, he won't get any better.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-29-2010, 09:21 AM
 
Location: Broken Promise Land
301 posts, read 786,389 times
Reputation: 505
I found a church that has an AL Anon meeting tonight at 7:30. I'm going to go.

He doesn't understand why he cannot stay here and quit drinking. He says I'm giving up on him and our family. He is making me feel bad. He thinks he is in the right because he is willing to give me what I'm asking for which is quit drinking if he can stay.

This just hurts too much. I told him today that he told me last night he would quit drinking for me if I would let him stay with a beer in his hand. He can't even take a break from it for a few days to convince me that he is going to quit.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-29-2010, 10:28 AM
 
Location: 39 20' 59"N / 75 30' 53"W
16,081 posts, read 26,424,463 times
Reputation: 18124
In earlier posts you've said the two of you made this same agreement.
The choice is to agree again and hope for a different outcome or stop putting faith in any of his promises. The love you have for him is not enough to make him change and hes trying to manipulate. I think what you're afraid of and by insisting he leave, is the possibly of losing him forever. I can't guarantee any outcome, but it may be worth it to do things your way this time. Don't let giving into your own weakness and having sex with him cloud your direction and bargain from emotions. You're bargaining with his addiction, not him. This is your marriage and your husband, so none of us can tell you what decision is right or wrong. You are the stronger person here whether you know it or not. Best Wishes.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-29-2010, 11:52 AM
 
Location: Broken Promise Land
301 posts, read 786,389 times
Reputation: 505
He makes me doubt myself. He won't admit to having a problem. He thinks I'm wrong for kicking him out. He also said he will not quit drinking if I kick him out, that he will probably drink even more. He says I should let him stay and he will prove to me that he will quit but that he needs me by his side to do so.

When he thinks back on this someday, he will blame me for not quitting. I can just hear him telling our children, "I would of quit drinking if your mom had stayed with me".
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-29-2010, 11:54 AM
 
3,261 posts, read 5,010,518 times
Reputation: 3977
Quote:
Originally Posted by Toxiclove View Post
He makes me doubt myself. He won't admit to having a problem. He thinks I'm wrong for kicking him out. He also said he will not quit drinking if I kick him out, that he will probably drink even more. He says I should let him stay and he will prove to me that he will quit but that he needs me by his side to do so.
Correction, You let him make you doubt yourself.

I'm not trying to be hard on you, just saying you are as responsible for your behavior as he is for his.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-29-2010, 11:59 AM
 
Location: The Hall of Justice
25,906 posts, read 39,753,280 times
Reputation: 42668
Quote:
Originally Posted by Toxiclove View Post
He makes me doubt myself. He won't admit to having a problem. He thinks I'm wrong for kicking him out. He also said he will not quit drinking if I kick him out, that he will probably drink even more. He says I should let him stay and he will prove to me that he will quit but that he needs me by his side to do so.
That's no different from telling a man that if he leaves you, you'll kill yourself.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Toxiclove View Post
When he thinks back on this someday, he will blame me for not quitting. I can just hear him telling our children, "I would of quit drinking if your mom had stayed with me".
You can't control what he thinks or says. He might turn himself around and never say such a thing. Or he might and they won't believe him because they'll know he did this to himself. Or he could in in jail for DUI or worse. He is responsible for himself, no matter how much he does not want to be.

I am glad you are going to that meeting. The physical support of others will help you.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-29-2010, 12:16 PM
 
3,784 posts, read 5,817,796 times
Reputation: 7777
Quote:
Originally Posted by Toxiclove View Post
He makes me doubt myself. He won't admit to having a problem. He thinks I'm wrong for kicking him out. He also said he will not quit drinking if I kick him out, that he will probably drink even more. He says I should let him stay and he will prove to me that he will quit but that he needs me by his side to do so.

When he thinks back on this someday, he will blame me for not quitting. I can just hear him telling our children, "I would of quit drinking if your mom had stayed with me".
OK then. Tell him he can stay but the quitting starts right now. This minute. I guarantee you he will have a million excuses not to quit right now. He will give you a date that he'll quit sometime in the future based on some bulls**t reason. And when that date comes he'll have another reason, probably your fault of course, why he can't quit. Trust me on this. If he won't do it right now, he won't do it later. You need to call his bluff and proceed accordingly.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-29-2010, 12:19 PM
 
Location: 39 20' 59"N / 75 30' 53"W
16,081 posts, read 26,424,463 times
Reputation: 18124
Quote:
Originally Posted by Toxiclove View Post
He makes me doubt myself. He won't admit to having a problem.
Of course hes not going to admit he has a problem, when he can have his addiction and his family too. Hes making you responsible for his recovery which he hasn't yet admitted to because it keeps him from owning it as "his problem", therefore giving him a loop hole to slip out of later. Again, the decison is yours not ours.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
Similar Threads

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2021, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Contact Us - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 - Top