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Old 09-29-2010, 01:38 PM
 
Location: Broken Promise Land
301 posts, read 790,315 times
Reputation: 505

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Quote:
Originally Posted by sayulita View Post
OK then. Tell him he can stay but the quitting starts right now. This minute. I guarantee you he will have a million excuses not to quit right now. He will give you a date that he'll quit sometime in the future based on some bulls**t reason. And when that date comes he'll have another reason, probably your fault of course, why he can't quit. Trust me on this. If he won't do it right now, he won't do it later. You need to call his bluff and proceed accordingly.
That's the thing. He says he WILL quit right now if I let him stay. That is what he says. The problem is, he won't be doing it for the right reasons so I do not think he will stick to it. He will be doing it for me. What happens if I die in few months? What happens if I can never get over the years of cheating, lies, and let downs? What then? HE will use this all as an excuse to begin again. I cannot see any way to get him stop without it being for me. So, I feel the only thing I can do is let him go. Let him destroy himself with it. As much as it hurts to see.

It would of all had been different if HE had come to me and admitted to having a problem and asking me to help him recover. I would of supported him 100%. He should of done this the day after he woke up next to that girl in our bed. He said he felt sorrow then. So, why didn't he quit then? Why didn't he quit when he saw how much pain I was in when I found out about it?
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Old 09-29-2010, 02:19 PM
 
1,561 posts, read 2,086,059 times
Reputation: 2131
Quote:
Originally Posted by Toxiclove View Post
That's the thing. He says he WILL quit right now if I let him stay. That is what he says. The problem is, he won't be doing it for the right reasons so I do not think he will stick to it. He will be doing it for me. What happens if I die in few months? What happens if I can never get over the years of cheating, lies, and let downs? What then? HE will use this all as an excuse to begin again. I cannot see any way to get him stop without it being for me. So, I feel the only thing I can do is let him go. Let him destroy himself with it. As much as it hurts to see.

It would of all had been different if HE had come to me and admitted to having a problem and asking me to help him recover. I would of supported him 100%. He should of done this the day after he woke up next to that girl in our bed. He said he felt sorrow then. So, why didn't he quit then? Why didn't he quit when he saw how much pain I was in when I found out about it?
Oh ho! I see the situation is not that he is an alcoholic (though he may be). The situation is you think the drinking is what made him cheat on you. You therefore believe if he does not drink anymore he will be faithful. Sorry it does not work that way. Alcohol can lower inhibitions but it does not possess a person to do bad things. It is the person underneath the alcohol that does them. That is why it can not be used as an excuse for breaking the Law. Face it, he cheated on you and might do it again sober. That is the issue you are really concerned about isn't it?

Your remark that "What happens if I die in few months?" is rather pointless you know. Once you are gone nothing matters for you anymore.

So can you forgive the cheating knowing his alibi of alcohol was phony? If not end it.
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Old 09-29-2010, 04:53 PM
 
9,410 posts, read 12,932,232 times
Reputation: 20297
Quote:
Originally Posted by Toxiclove View Post
That's the thing. He says he WILL quit right now if I let him stay. That is what he says. The problem is, he won't be doing it for the right reasons so I do not think he will stick to it. He will be doing it for me. What happens if I die in few months? What happens if I can never get over the years of cheating, lies, and let downs? What then? HE will use this all as an excuse to begin again. I cannot see any way to get him stop without it being for me. So, I feel the only thing I can do is let him go. Let him destroy himself with it. As much as it hurts to see.

It would of all had been different if HE had come to me and admitted to having a problem and asking me to help him recover. I would of supported him 100%. He should of done this the day after he woke up next to that girl in our bed. He said he felt sorrow then. So, why didn't he quit then? Why didn't he quit when he saw how much pain I was in when I found out about it?
Who really knows people's motives for doing what they do but I believe your husband continues to do what he does mainly because you allow it. There are no true consequences for his actions. Oh there may be yelling or silent treatment or threats, but nothing tangible.

Leaving him is tangible evidence that you are unhappy and things have to change.
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Old 09-29-2010, 05:05 PM
 
Location: Broken Promise Land
301 posts, read 790,315 times
Reputation: 505
Quote:
Originally Posted by MattB4 View Post
Oh ho! I see the situation is not that he is an alcoholic (though he may be). The situation is you think the drinking is what made him cheat on you. You therefore believe if he does not drink anymore he will be faithful. Sorry it does not work that way. Alcohol can lower inhibitions but it does not possess a person to do bad things. It is the person underneath the alcohol that does them. That is why it can not be used as an excuse for breaking the Law. Face it, he cheated on you and might do it again sober. That is the issue you are really concerned about isn't it?

Your remark that "What happens if I die in few months?" is rather pointless you know. Once you are gone nothing matters for you anymore.

So can you forgive the cheating knowing his alibi of alcohol was phony? If not end it.
Yes he is an alcoholic and no that is not why I want him to quit because of the cheating. There is much more to all this. He has had two DUIs. He gets drunk and passes out while our children are asleep. What if there was a fire? He makes terrible decisions when he is black out and he never remembers any of it. His aunt died in her mid forties from liver disease due to her addiction. His father is suffering from his and his grandfather has been alienated from his family because of his addiction and the things he has done because of it.

And excuse me sir but the "if I die in few months" thing is for my children and him. I love him, so I don't want him to kill himself with alcohol. And, I want him to be a good father to our children. Without, me he is what is left.
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Old 09-29-2010, 06:02 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,246 posts, read 94,969,008 times
Reputation: 40098
Quote:
Originally Posted by Toxiclove View Post
That's the thing. He says he WILL quit right now if I let him stay. That is what he says. The problem is, he won't be doing it for the right reasons so I do not think he will stick to it. He will be doing it for me. What happens if I die in few months? What happens if I can never get over the years of cheating, lies, and let downs? What then? HE will use this all as an excuse to begin again. I cannot see any way to get him stop without it being for me. So, I feel the only thing I can do is let him go. Let him destroy himself with it. As much as it hurts to see.

It would of all had been different if HE had come to me and admitted to having a problem and asking me to help him recover. I would of supported him 100%. He should of done this the day after he woke up next to that girl in our bed. He said he felt sorrow then. So, why didn't he quit then? Why didn't he quit when he saw how much pain I was in when I found out about it?
Here's the short answer TL - BECAUSE HE'S AN ADDICT.

And the truth is honey, addicts will sell their soul to the devil for the ability to have that next fix.

They lie.
They cheat.
They steal.
They screw their friends and family over.
They manipulate those who love them.

And they don't care - about themselves or you.

The sooner you quit asking these questions above the sooner you'll get your life back. Quit wasting your time trying to make sense of something that cannot make sense.

Go to those Al Anon meetings for support and to learn how best to cope okay?
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Old 09-29-2010, 06:21 PM
 
3,789 posts, read 5,874,015 times
Reputation: 7798
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
Here's the short answer TL - BECAUSE HE'S AN ADDICT.

And the truth is honey, addicts will sell their soul to the devil for the ability to have that next fix.

They lie.
They cheat.
They steal.
They screw their friends and family over.
They manipulate those who love them.

And they don't care - about themselves or you.

The sooner you quit asking these questions above the sooner you'll get your life back. Quit wasting your time trying to make sense of something that cannot make sense.

Go to those Al Anon meetings for support and to learn how best to cope okay?

AMEN!
Couldn't rep you but I tried.
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Old 09-29-2010, 06:36 PM
 
9,410 posts, read 12,932,232 times
Reputation: 20297
The rest of my story may be a good lesson for you TL.

I tried to change my husband in many, many ways and nothing worked. Gradually my love for him died and I left. My family was destroyed and he finally realised what he had had and now lost, but it was too late. We tried counseling but it was all over. I still feel such sadness even now, so many years later.

I wish I had of left while I still cared, while I was still so in love with him, because we may have been able to salvage our marriage.

Leave him and give him the chance to wake up and change his ways. Don't stay in hope and allow the love to die out, because it will start to wither sooner or later.
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Old 09-29-2010, 06:55 PM
 
Location: Chicago 'burbs'
1,022 posts, read 3,210,665 times
Reputation: 748
Quote:
Originally Posted by Toxiclove View Post
He has had two DUIs. He gets drunk and passes out while our children are asleep. What if there was a fire? He makes terrible decisions when he is black out and he never remembers any of it.
This is why you need to leave. For your childrens safety.

Your relationship & his children are not #1. His drinking is. This will not change no matter what you do. HE has to do it on his own. So quit worrying about HIM and think of yourself & your kids.
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Old 09-29-2010, 09:11 PM
 
Location: Tucson
42,835 posts, read 84,099,722 times
Reputation: 22814
Quote:
Originally Posted by Djuna View Post
We tried counseling but it was all over.
I've also read that most marriages are DOA by the time they make it there.
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Old 09-29-2010, 09:25 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,246 posts, read 94,969,008 times
Reputation: 40098
Quote:
Originally Posted by sierraAZ View Post
I've also read that most marriages are DOA by the time they make it there.
Not to mention, for it to really be effective BOTH parties have to really want to participate and be open to learning what part they've played in the train wreck that has become their marriage.

Sadly, TL and her husband would not benefit from counseling at all - he can't even admit he has a drinking problem
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