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Old 09-27-2010, 11:10 AM
 
Location: Broken Promise Land
301 posts, read 783,184 times
Reputation: 505

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I'm finally ready to let go of my husband. I think. I keep changing my mind. I keep second guessing. How can I know if I'm making the right decision?? Do you believe the whole "let em go and if they come back" stuff? I want him to quit drinking. I feel like if I leave, I will be giving him the chance to get his life together and even if he ends up with someone else, he will be a better person and a better father. But, I love him so much.

There is just so much water under the bridge. I can't trust him no matter what he does. I don't think he can undo what he has done. I feel really confused. Help.
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Old 09-27-2010, 11:20 AM
 
Location: 39 20' 59"N / 75 30' 53"W
16,081 posts, read 26,272,715 times
Reputation: 18120
I would never encourage another person to leave their spouse unless theres verbal, physical abuse or addictions. I'm sorry to hear this, I'll suggest a separation.
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Old 09-27-2010, 11:23 AM
 
Location: Brambleton, VA
2,186 posts, read 7,426,564 times
Reputation: 2178
My sister thought that she could change her husband. She knew he had alcohol and drug addictions and after two years and one child, she finally realized that he was never going to change. The divorce has taken a while but was just finalized. In a scenario like this you need to put yourself first. If he cared enough for you, he would accept that he has a problem and seek out help. This is your chance for happiness. You may love him, but there are better people out there. Have you been in counseling together at all? Perhaps that should be your final step before making a decision. Good Luck!
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Old 09-27-2010, 11:23 AM
 
Location: Tucson
42,835 posts, read 83,420,372 times
Reputation: 22814
I'm sorry to hear that, Toxiclove.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Toxiclove View Post
Do you believe the whole "let em go and if they come back" stuff?
It happens, but I generally don't believe in it.

Quote:
I want him to quit drinking.
Why? Are we talking about drinking or alcoholism? How does it affect him and your life together?
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Old 09-27-2010, 11:25 AM
 
Location: Tucson
42,835 posts, read 83,420,372 times
Reputation: 22814
Quote:
Originally Posted by Alley01 View Post
This is your chance for happiness.
You don't know that.

Quote:
You may love him, but there are better people out there.
You don't know that, either. There doesn't seem to be an abundance of them in my observations.
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Old 09-27-2010, 11:31 AM
 
Location: Broken Promise Land
301 posts, read 783,184 times
Reputation: 505
He's an alcoholic. A typical "functioning" alcoholic. A terrible drunk. There is NO physical abuse. But, he is two people. The drunk I abhor and the man I love deeply. When he is the drunk, he is belligerent and makes poor decisions (cheating, dui's, etc). I cannot imagine that anything but me leaving could make him quit. I enable him because I'm codependent. He tries to quit every time he does something bad like cheating. He has never sober cheated or sober did anything unforgivable. His father, grandfather are both alcoholics. Serious ones just like him. He has been drinking heavily since 14. He is 30 now. I see his father. I do not want to be married to his father. I just don't know what to do. I can let go and he could go off the deep end and lose himself to alcohol or I can let go and he can realize what he has lost and fix himself. I want a divorce. I look at my ring and it means nothing but broken promises. The vows I took are still intact, but I don't have faith in them anymore. I think if the right man came along, I would cheat too. I don't want to leave him for another man. I want to leave him for myself and the boys and him. I want to be with him. I just want to make the right decision. It's so painful.
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Old 09-27-2010, 11:35 AM
 
42 posts, read 57,366 times
Reputation: 28
Don't leave him unless you're absolutely certain it's the right thing to do.

Try everything you can think of to make it work. If you leave, you'll have more peace knowing that you did everything you could to save the marriage.

Divorce is soooo painful. It's better to avoid it if there's a chance of working things through.
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Old 09-27-2010, 11:46 AM
 
8,680 posts, read 14,300,210 times
Reputation: 15296
Quote:
Originally Posted by Toxiclove View Post
He's an alcoholic. A typical "functioning" alcoholic. A terrible drunk. There is NO physical abuse. But, he is two people. The drunk I abhor and the man I love deeply. When he is the drunk, he is belligerent and makes poor decisions (cheating, dui's, etc). I cannot imagine that anything but me leaving could make him quit. I enable him because I'm codependent. He tries to quit every time he does something bad like cheating. He has never sober cheated or sober did anything unforgivable. His father, grandfather are both alcoholics. Serious ones just like him. He has been drinking heavily since 14. He is 30 now. I see his father. I do not want to be married to his father. I just don't know what to do. I can let go and he could go off the deep end and lose himself to alcohol or I can let go and he can realize what he has lost and fix himself. I want a divorce. I look at my ring and it means nothing but broken promises. The vows I took are still intact, but I don't have faith in them anymore. I think if the right man came along, I would cheat too. I don't want to leave him for another man. I want to leave him for myself and the boys and him. I want to be with him. I just want to make the right decision. It's so painful.
Have you read Babee's thread? You might find some insight there.

[URL]//www.city-data.com/forum/relationships/1092981-trying-make-relationship-work-alcoholic.html[/URL]
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Old 09-27-2010, 11:46 AM
 
Location: Tucson
42,835 posts, read 83,420,372 times
Reputation: 22814
Quote:
Originally Posted by Toxiclove View Post
He's an alcoholic. A typical "functioning" alcoholic. A terrible drunk. There is NO physical abuse. But, he is two people. The drunk I abhor and the man I love deeply. When he is the drunk, he is belligerent and makes poor decisions (cheating, dui's, etc). I cannot imagine that anything but me leaving could make him quit. I enable him because I'm codependent. He tries to quit every time he does something bad like cheating. He has never sober cheated or sober did anything unforgivable. His father, grandfather are both alcoholics. Serious ones just like him. He has been drinking heavily since 14. He is 30 now. I see his father. I do not want to be married to his father. I just don't know what to do. I can let go and he could go off the deep end and lose himself to alcohol or I can let go and he can realize what he has lost and fix himself. I want a divorce. I look at my ring and it means nothing but broken promises. The vows I took are still intact, but I don't have faith in them anymore. I think if the right man came along, I would cheat too. I don't want to leave him for another man. I want to leave him for myself and the boys and him. I want to be with him. I just want to make the right decision. It's so painful.
It doesn't sound to me like you really want a divorce... You just want him to stop drinking himself into oblivion. Would he consider going to a rehab? Sometimes ultimatums like a divorce work and do wake up such people, but it's anybody's guess if that's the way it'll work out for you...

What's your financial situation? Are you able to comfortably support yourself and the kids? Because poverty certainly doesn't breed any more happiness.
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Old 09-27-2010, 11:48 AM
 
Location: Back in the gym...Yo Adrian!
9,413 posts, read 19,205,281 times
Reputation: 18559
Your leaving is not going to make him quit, and you should not leave him because you feel it's in his best interest. You leave him for you and your child. He's a grown man who is old enough to make the wrong choices. Maybe one day he'll sober up and realize what he had. But if you've done everything you can to bring him around, and he's still not willing to make that change, then it's time for you to move on. There's no easy way out either. You will both be hurting. Whenever you feel the urge to go back or let him back in, remember the recklessness, remember the hurt and betrayal. Don't just remember what you loved about him, but remember the part that you didn't love so much. The part that wasn't willing to change for you or your child.

There's also a part of you that may be afraid he'll go into a total tailspin and drink himself to death if he loses you and his son. You can't let that fear be the thing that paralyzes you from moving on.

Let him know you are serious and you want to him find other living arrangements, sooner rather than later. Even if you just go through a trial separation rather than an all out divorce it may help to show you whether or not he's going to change. Somehow I doubt he will, but you can't allow yourself to be dragged down with him.

Sorry to see that you are hurting so bad, but the sooner you make a clean break, the sooner you can get on with your life.
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