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Rather implies to me that it is a treat handed out to a begging dog; and not a mutually enjoyed act of love.
She only 'gives it' because your there asking for it. If you stopped asking, she would likely stop giving it to you entirely.
During courtship there was an added excitement, perhaps an added motive for her to be sexual to win you over. But now that the wedding bells can no longer be heard any excitement is long gone and there is no further motive for her to be in the mood.
Be glad that she agrees to once a week [for now].
In group, I have observed this scenario many times; her agreeing to once a week will lessen to once a month, then once a year on your birthday [since it is a treat after all], then ...
I'd read this post twice folks...it hits on a key point.
She is unwilling to put forth effort on something that is important to him.
This speaks of disrespect to me and we've had lots of threads around here like this from both sexes only the problem varies. (working, sex, spending, alchohol etc.)
I think you need to approach your wife like you would if you were a single man seducing a woman. You have these expectations for sex because she is your wife but what are YOU doing to meet her expectations? Why do you think it has become routine for her?
Sex starts in the head for women. You need to get into her head and do the things that will trigger her libido.
I know you may feel you are entitled to sex because you are married but "married sex" is all you are going to get with that attitude.
Think seduction, even though she is your wife.
And this can go both ways. Women can also play that role too.
Before I abandoned the one I am supposedly in love with. Not to mention have a child with. I think I would take her for a complete physical workup with her doctor. It isnt unusual at all for ladies to lose some of thier libido after childbirth. But most caring husbands would have done this already. Your post makes it quite clear that this situation is all about YOU. Not BOTH of you. "If big daddy aint gettin no nookie, it's got to be somebody elses fault!" Right?
Are you serious? If your read the entire original post he clearly states that she has always had a lower sex drive. I really don't think that was the biggest concern as much as her attitude about the sex. I don't get the feeling it's about him at all. If anything his post is one of the more sensible posts from a husband who's struggling that I've seen in awhile.
My wife has a very low sex drive. We've been married a little more than six years and had a child about 16 months ago. Some of the low sex drive can be explained away by the fact that we have a little one. But, in my opinion, enough time has passed to where things should have greatly improved.
Over the years, each of us has seen our libido wax and wane. In general, I have had the higher sex drive the whole time. There were stretches in our marriage where we didn't get together too often, and it didn't bother me, because I was busy with work and activities.
I think what is bothersome to me now is that I have actively made a lot of changes in my lifestyle so that I can have more time at home to be with my wife and son. I feel that I've recommitted to our marriage and family life, only to find that my wife is a mother first and a wife second.
We have had numerous conversations about this, after which things would improve somewhat as far as sexual frequency. But, then it eventually fades away. Maybe I expect too much, but I think sex once a week is not enough.
I have told her that her priorities in the marriage are backward, and she agrees with me. But, overall, I don't see much long-term improvement. It's like her attitude is "I give it up for you once a week. Why are you so upset?"
What the clueless wife doesn't realize is that I'm upset because her mindset is just going through the motions. Nothing is approached with a sense of imagination or excitement. It's basically doing it to get it over with. She would often say "I just like regular married sex." That is her terminology, not mine. I mean, how ****ing lame is that? It's just boring as ****, and I often think it would be exciting with another partner who would bring some new energy to the table.
Continuing to talk about it just makes no impact at all. You can't change who people are. I accept that she is the way she is, but I don't like it and I don't have to.
I feel so sick with anger about this. And, when I don't feel angry, I feel extremely sad because I feel that my wife doesn't find me desirable. I tried talking with her about it tonight, and it just blew up. I can't talk about this without being angry and it's counterproductive.
I would never cheat on my wife, but I know that sort of thing happens a lot in situations like this. I hate to come across like I'm blaming the victims, but it just amazes me that women go through their married lives in a fog, find out the husband cheated, and they're like "I can't believe he did that, when I loved him so much." Are you kidding me? Male or female, one thing is true - we're all human, and if you don't feed your partner's ego enough, he or she will turn against you in some way, shape or form.
I know of so many other similar stories. And I do feel that you are not getting the affection and intimacy you need in a marriage.
The only thing I can offer is a little insight into "why" she is not into sex right now. Having a baby is life changing. For many of us it takes longer than a few months to bounce back. Hormones is just one thing (things change after the baby comes). But the biggest thing is that when we have a child our focus changes. Our maternal instincts are to give our attention and care to the child.
I'm not saying there shouldnt be a balance between motherhood and being an affectionate loving wife..because there should be.
But I can tell you that motherhood can take up every ounce of our being and we don't always feel like lovers when we are changing diapers, buying baby food, and our minds our occupied with the childs well being.
I suppose the best thing you can do is to arrange some couple time to talk (while the baby is sleeping). Don't try to steer the conversation into why you need more sex. Just listen to her. Let her talk. Be there and then tell her you miss her. Ask her how you can make things easier. Tell her you love that she's a great mom and that you want to be a great dad, too. Then tell her that you value your marriage and want to keep making "us" time to reconnect.
I imagine that once she feels understood and appreciated she will come back around. From a woman's standpoint, it is easy to feel underappreciated and overwhelemed and completley unsexy when the children are young. And what makes matters worse is when the husband starts focusing on the sex and lack there of, and does not see the whole picture of why we are not "feeling it". When that happens we pull away further.
Don't make the sex and affection your main focus when you talk. Try and see things her point of view. Hang in there...
Do/try everything others suggested. Talk to her honestly and give her a realistic timeline. Flat out tell her you can't go on with a relationship where you are nothing more than an item on her to do list. Try to help her understand there are times when your relationship has to come first.
In the meanwhile, analyze your own actions and motivation. Do you help out with the child? If you don't, start now. Take a hard look at you. What can you do to make things better? Sex is just more work if you are exhausted. Running around after a child all day is physically hard work and intellectually boring. She needs your help/time more than your criticism. It's a tough adjustment. It's hard to feel sexy after being up to your knees in poopy diapers all day.
Prepare. Save money and make more if possible. Check out the rules for your state and learn what your probable child support would be and check on the possibility of alimony as well. Know what you are getting into if you break up. It's better for you if your wife is working than being a SAHM.
The timeline is important. People with low to nonexistent sex drives rarely change.....as far as they are concerned, nothing is wrong. Don't make empty threats. Be ready to do what you said you were going to do. And don't let it drag on forever. Have a real plan. Be firm and fair.
I feel qualified to give advice because I've been there. I was in a sexless marriage to a nice guy for over 35 years. I waited too long and I'm old now. Learn from my mistakes.
I have a few minutes before I have to get ready for work. So, I'll try and address all the questions that were brought up in the responses to my OP.
Before doing so, I'd like to thank all who weighed in. I appreciate those who agreed with me and sympathize with how I'm feeling. However, I wasn't the least bit bothered by dissenting points of view. In fact, those gave me a lot to think about.
My wife does work full-time, and we have our son in daycare. She was home with him for the first 3 months, then returned to work on a full-time basis. I provide a lot of help around the house - taking care of our son, and taking care of tasks around the house. I don't do it expecting that she'll put out as a way to say "thanks". Rather, I do these things because they benefit everyone.
I agree that the intimacy isn't only expressed through sexual activity. I feel, for the time being, that I'm going to back off with all the sex messaging and be open to the intimacy in other areas. For instance, last night we were watching television and I laid on the couch, put my head in her lap, and enjoyed her playing with my hair. Felt so good that I fell asleep for a while. It wasn't sexual at all, but I really enjoyed it.
What an earlier poster said was dead on: It's not the frequency of sex per se that is bothersome, it's the attitude that comes across. Once a week would probably be okay (I get tired and busy, too) if she made a sincere effort to spice things up. If I simply wanted to get off, yes, that's one usage for hands, as one poster expressed it. I'm looking for an experience. There is a difference. I honestly believe that anyone who does not get this concept can look forward to, at some point, watching his or her partner have an affair because they are seeking something which they cannot have inside the marriage. Rightly or wrongly, there is an ego boost that we get when things in the bedroom are really rocking. And, if that person whom we promised to love forever isn't helping to give us a boost, well...let's just say this board is filled with stories of relationships gone astray.
Again, I'm not saying I want to go outside of the marriage. As angry as I came across in the OP, I know that I project a good vibe and appearance. I honestly believe that if I wanted to tap someone else's a--, it could happen.
My wife has an appointment to see her OB/GYN next week. I may (gently) suggest that she talk to the doctor about her libido. I know this is a potential minefield with bringing up something this delicate. As for the comment made earlier that "most thoughtful husbands would have done this already" (or something to that extent), I guess my only retort would be that it's not my job to manage her medical care just as it's not her job to manage mine.
She is on a thyroid medication. We have talked about having the doctor alter the dosage in order for her to feel more energetic and her metabolism to speed up. This is a concern in general, and not because of what's happening or not happening in the bedroom.
I have a few minutes before I have to get ready for work. So, I'll try and address all the questions that were brought up in the responses to my OP.
Before doing so, I'd like to thank all who weighed in. I appreciate those who agreed with me and sympathize with how I'm feeling. However, I wasn't the least bit bothered by dissenting points of view. In fact, those gave me a lot to think about.
My wife does work full-time, and we have our son in daycare. She was home with him for the first 3 months, then returned to work on a full-time basis. I provide a lot of help around the house - taking care of our son, and taking care of tasks around the house. I don't do it expecting that she'll put out as a way to say "thanks". Rather, I do these things because they benefit everyone.
I agree that the intimacy isn't only expressed through sexual activity. I feel, for the time being, that I'm going to back off with all the sex messaging and be open to the intimacy in other areas. For instance, last night we were watching television and I laid on the couch, put my head in her lap, and enjoyed her playing with my hair. Felt so good that I fell asleep for a while. It wasn't sexual at all, but I really enjoyed it.
What an earlier poster said was dead on: It's not the frequency of sex per se that is bothersome, it's the attitude that comes across. Once a week would probably be okay (I get tired and busy, too) if she made a sincere effort to spice things up. If I simply wanted to get off, yes, that's one usage for hands, as one poster expressed it. I'm looking for an experience. There is a difference. I honestly believe that anyone who does not get this concept can look forward to, at some point, watching his or her partner have an affair because they are seeking something which they cannot have inside the marriage. Rightly or wrongly, there is an ego boost that we get when things in the bedroom are really rocking. And, if that person whom we promised to love forever isn't helping to give us a boost, well...let's just say this board is filled with stories of relationships gone astray.
Again, I'm not saying I want to go outside of the marriage. As angry as I came across in the OP, I know that I project a good vibe and appearance. I honestly believe that if I wanted to tap someone else's a--, it could happen.
My wife has an appointment to see her OB/GYN next week. I may (gently) suggest that she talk to the doctor about her libido. I know this is a potential minefield with bringing up something this delicate. As for the comment made earlier that "most thoughtful husbands would have done this already" (or something to that extent), I guess my only retort would be that it's not my job to manage her medical care just as it's not her job to manage mine.
She is on a thyroid medication. We have talked about having the doctor alter the dosage in order for her to feel more energetic and her metabolism to speed up. This is a concern in general, and not because of what's happening or not happening in the bedroom.
Wow, from the little I know about thyroid issues, they can do a number on your body, energy and libido. Ask her doctor to do a full hormonal profile on her too.
I think that maybe you should be involved and go hear what her doctor has to say. Sometimes understanding an underlying medical cause can, at the minimum, alleviate the sense that it's her attraction or desire for you.
Thanks for coming back. Good luck and I hope it works out for you guys.
Maybe you might think of making love to your wife (intimacy) in non-physical ways, rather than just focusing on your own satisfaction? In my personal experience, I find I am much more inclined to feel "cuddly" when my DH is responsive to my whole life, not just my more private areas.
Then again, it might do you some good to think of other aspects of life satisfaction beyond your own physical gratifications. I suspect there are other aspects of your life that might deserve some attention, beyond that small surface area to which you seem to be devoting your attention.
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Are you serious? If your read the entire original post he clearly states that she has always had a lower sex drive. I really don't think that was the biggest concern as much as her attitude about the sex. 
