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Old 10-08-2010, 11:07 AM
 
Location: Between Philadelphia and Allentown, PA
5,077 posts, read 14,623,536 times
Reputation: 3784

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Quote:
Originally Posted by DennyCrane View Post
Thank you. This is what I was getting at in my original post. Had you not told your friend that her list was unrealistic, how long do you think it would've taken her to realize that on her own?

Honestly? She may never have found a man that was good enough for her expectations and list. When we talked about her list and wishes, I just couldn't believe that it was as out of control as it was. You know what it was mostly? She had been previously married, during the divorce he was horrible and took almost all her money. (she's a successful attorney too). She was so hurt that she used that list as a means to rule out deadbeats but in the end she was hurting herself more by being so afraid.

Once she relaxed and realized that not all men are going to do that, she loosened up a lot, decided that life was too short and she had fun and began dating and found Mr. Right. This was after she went a good 5 or 6 years of looking unsuccessfully.
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Old 10-08-2010, 11:13 AM
 
5,313 posts, read 6,088,307 times
Reputation: 4110
Quote:
Originally Posted by DennyCrane View Post
I don't think anyone here is suggesting that you tell total strangers or people you aren't close to that their standards are too high. You can think that to yourself and roll your eyes when you see them chasing after someone who's WAY out of their league. But what if you're the one with unrealistic standards? This is why I started this thread. Most of us can see when someone else is aiming to high. But as xxbabeechick pointed out earlier from her intro-psych course, people have a tendency to over-estimate when it comes
Its a slippery slope the whole "league" thing though and how you approach it..

Obviosuly theres some obvious extremes..A 5'4 fat unemplyed guy goign after a sucessful drop dead gorgeous women could be a problem.

But most people you see everyday are average or a little above or below rarely do you see someone you think you dont belong in the presence of so to speak..

Plus it can be subjective some leagues..A person you think is above you may find you attratcive and a person you think you are above might think youre hideous..

Should you really walk around with the mindset "that persons cute maybe slightly too cute for me he or shes a 7 and im a 5"

Then approach somebody you are kind of blah on but think its your league or all you can get?
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Old 10-08-2010, 11:38 AM
 
8,518 posts, read 15,616,747 times
Reputation: 7711
Quote:
Originally Posted by yayoi View Post
If I feel that I'm not getting what I need because of my "high" standards I will adjust them. I assume that other people are capable of doing the same.
They're capable, but some people take longer than others to make that adjustment or recognize that they even have to. Look at the example of andreaspercheron above. Her friend may never have adjusted her standards had she not said something to her about it.
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Old 10-08-2010, 12:09 PM
 
Location: Toledo
3,860 posts, read 8,440,703 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DennyCrane View Post
They're capable, but some people take longer than others to make that adjustment or recognize that they even have to. Look at the example of andreaspercheron above. Her friend may never have adjusted her standards had she not said something to her about it.
People need to work within their own timelines not what I think should be their timeline. I guess that's the libertarian in me.

I know I wouldn't want somebody telling me that I have unrealistic standards because I have not come to that conclusion when they think I should have.
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Old 10-08-2010, 12:44 PM
 
8,518 posts, read 15,616,747 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by yayoi View Post
People need to work within their own timelines not what I think should be their timeline. I guess that's the libertarian in me.

I know I wouldn't want somebody telling me that I have unrealistic standards because I have not come to that conclusion when they think I should have.
To some extent, I agree. But I'd also want my friends to speak up if they see me making a mistake.
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Old 10-08-2010, 12:51 PM
 
Location: Texas
44,256 posts, read 64,216,996 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cpg35223 View Post
I think a long list of Must Haves is really a sign of immaturity, a clue that the person in question really hasn't grown past the realm of Disney movies where the scullery maid winds up marrying the prince.

.
I disagree. I think you are doomed to date perpetually (or wind up settling) if you don't quickly figure out what qualities are important to you and what it is you want out of a partner.

I think part of the point of dating is winnowing out what you do and don't want - what you can and can't stand in another person...until you have a 'list' in your hand of what you're looking for.

Worked for me.

No one is perfect, but there are some basic qualities (and even some less basic ones) that are non-negotiable.
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Old 10-08-2010, 01:26 PM
 
8,518 posts, read 15,616,747 times
Reputation: 7711
Quote:
Originally Posted by stan4 View Post
I disagree. I think you are doomed to date perpetually (or wind up settling) if you don't quickly figure out what qualities are important to you and what it is you want out of a partner.

I think part of the point of dating is winnowing out what you do and don't want - what you can and can't stand in another person...until you have a 'list' in your hand of what you're looking for.

Worked for me.

No one is perfect, but there are some basic qualities (and even some less basic ones) that are non-negotiable.
There's nothing wrong with having requirements. That's certainly better than having none. The issue, however, is having ones that no one could ever live up to and not knowing when to be flexible or when to revisit those requirements and ask if they still make sense.
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Old 10-08-2010, 01:34 PM
 
Location: My Private Island
4,941 posts, read 8,314,311 times
Reputation: 12283
IMO, you are being too "picky" when you lack the ability to compromise. No one in this world will ever be our everything 100%. That would mean perfection exists and it simply does not. It's one thing to have certain qualifiers, even a few dealbreakers but to rationalize finding Mr./Mrs. Right down to a "list".....somebody's gonna end up snuggling with ALOT of cats in their old age.
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Old 10-08-2010, 01:39 PM
 
Location: Tucson
42,831 posts, read 88,042,435 times
Reputation: 22814
Quote:
Originally Posted by seeniorita View Post
somebody's gonna end up snuggling with ALOT of cats in their old age.
Stuff it! I still don't have a cat! If I get one, then you'll know the end of the world is getting close!
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Old 10-08-2010, 01:44 PM
 
Location: My Private Island
4,941 posts, read 8,314,311 times
Reputation: 12283
Quote:
Originally Posted by sierraAZ View Post
Stuff it! I still don't have a cat! If I get one, then you'll know the end of the world is getting close!
LOL....well, I will know if Sierra gets a furkid all hope is lost for mankind!! I still am holding out hope for ya chic!!!
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