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I agree with the people who said give it a breather for a few days, and I don't want to sound like Ann Landers, but maybe you should look up a counselor. See if your wife is willing to go, but if not, go anyway just to have someone on whom you can sort all your feelings about this out loud.
Right now she's like a child who has been caught in a lie. Self preservation kicks in first. Sometimes people just shut down when trapped in a lie, and it takes a little coaxing to get them to come clean and discuss it further. It seems the OP has a lot invested here, with her and the stepkids. I think it might be worth trying to get her side of the story. Even if it means an ultimatum.
I understand what you are saying, but the difference is - she's NOT a child!
She's a grown woman who INTENTIONALLY DECEIVED HER HUSBAND FOR YEARS about trying to get pregnant.
She let him pick baby names.
She claimed to be "fertile" to keep him off her trail of deception, which only led to a cruel, cruel dose of false hope for him.
What she has done is despicable.
There can be no excuse for treating someone you claim to love this callously.
Geez, I would have already thrown her clothes out on the lawn. I have a zero tolerance for any type of deception. And this one is so incredibly personal and hurtful...she is sociopathic to be this deceptive. Personality disordered to lie like that...that type of person cannot be cured. They don't know what love is, or trust...
Well if the OP loves her, I wouldn't call this a hanging offense. Talk it out, see what's going on inside her head. See if she'll lay it all out and be honest.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Coolhand68
If all else was going perfect aside from the big lie, I'd say have a sit down and talk it out. I'm not saying this is a little white lie, but I know couples who have worked it out through worse than this.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Coolhand68
Right now she's like a child who has been caught in a lie. Self preservation kicks in first. Sometimes people just shut down when trapped in a lie, and it takes a little coaxing to get them to come clean and discuss it further. It seems the OP has a lot invested here, with her and the stepkids. I think it might be worth trying to get her side of the story. Even if it means an ultimatum.
I'm with you on this one Coolhand68
O.k this is bad ..really Bad. But still up to this moment he was a happily married man with two kids. Is it worth throwing all this away for this? Does she have cruel intentions or does she just lack maturity? She just may have not have the guts to tell him she doesn't want another kid, fearing she would lose him. Again she doesn't seem to have the guts to own up to what she has done, better to be in denial? I hate recommending seeing a counselor to people, but here in this case it might be best. I think he really needs to find out his wife's true mental state before making a decision
If all else was going perfect aside from the big lie, I'd say have a sit down and talk it out. I'm not saying this is a little white lie, but I know couples who have worked it out through worse than this.
I can't imagine how anything was going "perfectly" if there was such an enormous lie between them...perhaps Mike thought it was perfect because he was putting his best foot forward and had good intentions but apparently his wife wasn't coming from the same place.
I know women that this sort of thing happened to - one was my dh's stepmom's sister and the other, my best friend's wife. Both had ex's that they tried for years with to have children. I believe 'Aunt Heidi' was 36 when she found out that her first dh had a vasectomy just before their wedding, 12 years prior.
My best friend's wife was married for 13 years when she found out her dh had known all along he was incapable of having children. She was 38 when she found out.
Both women found out only after having "women's troubles" and having to go through various tests. Neither can have children now. Both could've been capable had they started younger. No one suggested either of them try to 'work it out' with the sleezebags they were married to.
It's not just a lie - it's betrayal. Her lack of concern for your desire to have children is pure selfishness and not something she's going to 'just grow past'.
You can't really recover from that. You can't force her to have kids, but the worst part is the deception she created. I think you best recoup your losses and divorce her. If she can lie about something so hurtful like that I'm sure she will lie about just about anything else.
geez, i would have already thrown her clothes out on the lawn. i have a zero tolerance for any type of deception. And this one is so incredibly personal and hurtful...she is sociopathic to be this deceptive. Personality disordered to lie like that...that type of person cannot be cured. They don't know what love is, or trust...
Bravo, for Mike and the rest of you champs here, an unborn child that does not exist yet is worth destroying a marriage of four years.
There's an old saying in my world that advocates a 1000 lies to keep a marriage strong. Not that it advocates lying, but stresses the importance of wedlock.
No wonder many of you folks have an average of six marriages on a 50 year old average resume. Rock on, champs. And while you're at it contribute to the Lawyers Pork fund. Go max out on that already maxed out credit card
Do whatever you want, Mike, but don't get a divorce just coz the divorce nazis told you to
If she lied about wanting a child with you, she will lie about other things. This isn't a loving, trusting, marriage. It is a manipulating, one sided marriage.
I hope she isn't managing the money and paying the bills. You might not know you are losing everything untill it's too late.
What she did is pure, bold, evil, planned deception.
No way in hell you can trust a woman like that about anything she says.
She has already proven herself.
And it's time for you to protect yourself against the results of her future deceptions.
And I would almost bet there will be many.
The really sad part of all this, other than her lies and wanting a child with her, is that you seem to really care about her kids.
But it might be better to lose them than have her ruin you.
Maybe later on you can have a relationship with them when they are older and understand things.
I wish you well.
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