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So what you are saying is as long as his children are intellectually superior than most you would be interested, if not then you're not. I don't even know what to say to this except it's way too selfish. What if one of his children developed a medical problem and the situation changed in that way - can you honestly say you'd stick it out - it doesn't sound like it. Unless they are perfect -you want nothing to do with them. I said it before, spare him and yourself the frustration. Just look at the title of this thread "He's great but he has kids." You came right out of the gate with it as a dealbreaker. Odds are they are just normal, average kids. Go into it with that in mind.
How would you feel if you had kids and a guy you're interested in has the same issues?
I would be totally understanding. I believe that spouses should put each other's needs first, just as my parents did. I've gone out with a lot of single dads, and their biggest complaint is that their ex-wives put the kids first. I don't do that, and I won't. It was beautiful to see a mother and father who loved each other so very much. Really beautiful. I'm glad they had such a bond, because when I came into my own, that's what kept them together while the rest of my friends' parents were divorcing.
What a prospective spouse feels comfortable with, as long as it's within reason, goes to the top of my list. The adults get together and decide how the children fit into the household, and if changes need to be made, they are made. Not to say that the "needs" of the child are neglected; but the child might have to sacrifice his/her "wants" and understand that they have little say in how the household changes.
I'm in my early 40s. Am I a kid person? I don't go bonkers over them arbitrarily. In fact, there's one guy who'd I'd date because I liked his kid so much -- she's a child prodigy, and I "clicked" with her immediately. The guy, on the other hand, would have made me nuts!
The extent of my involvement much depends on the personality and behavior of the child or children. Those who show enormous intellectual potential are extremely compelling; I worked with children for a long time, and the "achievers" were a total delight. Never get tired of them.
So the answer to the question is: I don't know what his children are like. So I can't really make a judgment call.
Given this new information, I would say let it go. You obviously have issues from your own childhood upbringing.
Children are as different and random as snowflakes.....no two are alike. It's not fair to base a relationship on whether children are well behaved or intellectually compelling to you.
Kids are kids....dirty hands, boogers, screaming, crying, writing on the walls, carrying small pets by the tail.... If you can't deal, then don't mess up what seems to be a good friendship. Leave it at that because this is not the man for you.
I might see myself married to someone with children, as long as there were very firm rules in place as to my involvement. I'm not sure how fair this is to the guy in question, though.
That notion of involvement boundaries with the kids is both unrealistic and unfair to both him and his kids. If he is a good, loving parent, he is looking for a partner in life who will love and accept being a part of his family.
This is just par for the course when dating a single parent, at least a good single parent.
You need to be honest up front. Unless you are willing to genuinely open your heart and mind to his children, do him the favor of backing out gracefully before ever meeting the kids. It would be best for everyone involved, yourself included.
Last edited by Missy.Rivers; 10-12-2010 at 02:45 PM..
I think if you're going to date people in your age range, you may need to accept they have had "baggage" of previous marriage and children. Maybe this sounds harsh of me and others won't agree, but it would be different if that was a dealbreaker for you and you were 23.
I think if you're going to date people in your age range, you may need to accept they have had "baggage" of previous marriage and children. Maybe this sounds harsh of me and others won't agree, but it would be different if that was a dealbreaker for you and you were 23.
No, it's not harsh, it's reality. Ideally, I'd prefer a single dad who's kids are in high school, because that means they're gaining independence and can drive themselves around. I'm one of those weird "aunties" who relates really well to friends' teens, because this is the population with which I worked most extensively.
I have also dated a few "childless by choice" men, and that worked out badly for the most part. Many of them "hate" kids to the extent that children acting up in a restaurant or crying in a movie theater seriously rained on their parade. I mean, c'mon. There are far worse things in life to get upset about, like ... oh, I dunno, news of terminal cancer?
I would be totally understanding. I believe that spouses should put each other's needs first, just as my parents did. I've gone out with a lot of single dads, and their biggest complaint is that their ex-wives put the kids first. I don't do that, and I won't. It was beautiful to see a mother and father who loved each other so very much. Really beautiful. I'm glad they had such a bond, because when I came into my own, that's what kept them together while the rest of my friends' parents were divorcing.
What a prospective spouse feels comfortable with, as long as it's within reason, goes to the top of my list. The adults get together and decide how the children fit into the household, and if changes need to be made, they are made. Not to say that the "needs" of the child are neglected; but the child might have to sacrifice his/her "wants" and understand that they have little say in how the household changes.
Wow. Though I respect your opinion, I'm really, really glad I didn't grow up that way. To each their own.
One good thing about you being intellectual is that you are looking at this logically before you move forward with this man. I think the equasion is already solved here. Unless this guy rules his house with authoratarian style, you are not going to be a good match for him in the long run.
I can relate to where you are coming from OP. I have never been in your position but I would absolutely not date a man with children. The whole situation becomes very complicated when you add in kids, especially young ones.
The dynamics of relationships change when there are more needs to take into consideration and the kids Mums to contend with. Once you are vested emotionally with kids you can't simply walk away, but if you break up this is exactly what happens and someone gets hurt. Children don't react well to people coming and going in their life.
Personally I would let this one go by the wayside.
... Ideally, I'd prefer a single dad who's kids are in high school, because that means they're gaining independence and can drive themselves around. I'm one of those weird "aunties" who relates really well to friends' teens, because this is the population with which I worked most extensively.
...
Solved. Wait 10 years and than date the guy. Until than stay away. There has been enough problems in the news with missing children and wicked step/moms/girlfriends. BTW. telling someone they are perfect if they did not have kids is a bad idea in quite a few ways.
You are looking at it from the perspective that they are to accommodate you and not the other way around and gosh darn it those kids WILL respect and listen to ME! You are also saying, "He needs to back ME up every time and not those kids."
Parenting has changed a lot since you and I were children and this authoritarian and demanding type style and presence is quite antiquated and I'd be damned if I would have wanted some one to come into my life and not respect or earn the respect of the kids.
I had a father that married 3 times and I really liked his second wife a lot, but the third one sounds exactly like what you are talking about and I had absolutely NO respect for this woman whatsoever. She was way too demanding of it and she expected to be accommodated to with her way of thinking and with respect she never earned by being a complete beosh. Never liked the woman and still don't and he didn't marry her until after I was long gone out of the house and over 18. She is a self absorbed PITA and like yourself never had children of her own. I haven't seen or talked to either of them in over 11 years because of it and they live in the same city as I do.
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If you can't deal, then don't mess up what seems to be a good friendship. Leave it at that because this is not the man for you.
