Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Hi there
I wonder if anyone can help me with my guilt complex. I am in my 40's, married, two children, business owner and attending school full time. Its hard, but I am getting thru it.
Unfortunately my dh and kids think its ok to watch tv for hours after school/work. Meanwhile I am doing laundry, housework, ; you name it, I do it.
So on Monday I was totall fed up ; I wrote a list of chores that I do on a regular basis, copied it 4 times and had us all sit down and ask each person which chore do they do on a regular basis without being asked to do it. You guessed it ; not one. So then I had the kids (10 & 11) take some of the chores off the list and write them down on a list with their name on it. Dh also had one.
But why do I feel so guilty having them do chores like ; take out garbage, do laundry, pick up the house, set the table, do grocery shopping, change sheets, towels etc. I am sure when I was doing all this not one of them felt guilty as they sat down to watch tv. Not to mind the fact that when dh was going to school (kids were 2 & 3), I basically took over everything so he could get good grades. I guess I feel so bad that I had to ask for help ; but then on the other side, these are things they should be doing without being asked.
Maybe I am just asking for confirmation that its ok for me not to do things that I have been doing for years.
I think it`s great that you are making them do things around the house. It`s for your kids own good that they learn to work. It`s healthy for them. Not working makes for lazy kids and then adults.You have nothing to feel guilty about.
Hi there
I wonder if anyone can help me with my guilt complex. I am in my 40's, married, two children, business owner and attending school full time. Its hard, but I am getting thru it.
Unfortunately my dh and kids think its ok to watch tv for hours after school/work. Meanwhile I am doing laundry, housework, ; you name it, I do it.
So on Monday I was totall fed up ; I wrote a list of chores that I do on a regular basis, copied it 4 times and had us all sit down and ask each person which chore do they do on a regular basis without being asked to do it. You guessed it ; not one. So then I had the kids (10 & 11) take some of the chores off the list and write them down on a list with their name on it. Dh also had one.
But why do I feel so guilty having them do chores like ; take out garbage, do laundry, pick up the house, set the table, do grocery shopping, change sheets, towels etc. I am sure when I was doing all this not one of them felt guilty as they sat down to watch tv. Not to mind the fact that when dh was going to school (kids were 2 & 3), I basically took over everything so he could get good grades. I guess I feel so bad that I had to ask for help ; but then on the other side, these are things they should be doing without being asked.
Maybe I am just asking for confirmation that its ok for me not to do things that I have been doing for years.
You're not alone in feeling this way. We wear alot of hats along with mother and wife. We feel a tremendous sense of obligation to take care of our families.....we are nurturers by nature.....damn nature!!
What you have done is finally let your family know that it takes a team to run a home and you can't (and shouldn't) be expected to do it all. It's time for your kids to learn to do things to help out, after all it's your job as parents to teach them to be able to take care of themselves (you won't always be around you know).
The guilt will slowly be overcome with satisfaction once you see that you have more quality time to spend with your family because chores get done quicker when they are split out. Perhaps you can devote that time to a family game night, going out to dinner, etc. The kids will have a happier, less stressed mom and hubby will reap the benefits as well!
The problem is, it will not stick. Your family will do your "chore list" for a little while and then guilt will overcome you into doing it yourself again. And they'll let you.
The husband may be a lost cause. You've trained him. But the kids, that's a different story. You must train them to do these things. It's the perfect time for them to learn how to start a routine. And even when they start doing it wrong, and you're tempted to go behind them and do it right, make sure they learn to do it right. You'll be doing them a favor.
I discussed this with my current boyfriend long ago. I told him if we both work full time, we both split the household chores. He agreed. Right now I am out of work so I do ALL of the housework. And that's fine. But once I get a job, it's going to be a split. And that's not negotiable.
Take this opportunity with your family to set a boundary. Put up a dry erase board and have them check off which jobs they did. Maybe give them their allowance depending on what they did, or didn't, do.
You sound exactly like my own mother who went back to finish high school and college. She had a huge martyr complex about everything though as an innate part of her personality all her life and still does. Unfortunately, my father made it absoultely hell on earth for her and played that guilt card to the max...of course he had his own issues. For example he was suppose to pick me up from driver's ed downtown by where he worked and instead forgot and went home. I called and he said I'd have to wait for my mother to get home from school - which also wasn't far, but round trip it was and it was getting dark and she didn't get home untl 11:00 p.m. at night. I had to stand in a dark doorway of an old boarded up church alone until she got there while he parked himself in front of the television with both my brothers. So, he would pull stunts like that to make her feel bad about not doing her mom responsibilties- he had issues about her becoming educated and independant after 20 years of marriage.
I don't remember a time in my childhood when we didn't have daily chores. Both my parents worked all their lives, at times together and we were expected to do things no questions asked. Saturdays were the big cleaning and shopping days and we were up from sun-up to sundown, mowing the 3 acre lawn, cleaning bathrooms and everything, as a family. All of us have a great work ethic due to it - so, if anything you are teaching them some great values.
Don't feel guilty - which is easy to say, because we lived in a neighborhood where the houses had stay at home moms, maids and yard workers hired out and the kids had a crappy work ethic and some pretty snotty, high expectations when they got older. Also, look at what you are teaching your children about the roles of men and women in a family or relationship....that, itself, is invaluable later in life.
As far as I'm concerned - you did good dividing up those chores.
Last edited by Thursday007; 10-20-2010 at 10:24 AM..
Feeling guilty for doing what? For teaching them to be more responsible and be more of a team player? Trust me when I say this...this "little" chore ur giving them will help not make them LAZY in the future....Now get rid of your guilt!!!!!!
It is certainly okay for you to not do things you've done for years, but you shouldn't expect your family to jump in without some prodding. Essentially, they don't jump in to help because you've set a pattern and it will take some work to change it. Your list making was a good start, but it will likely take some follow-through to make it stick.
Also, don't take back any of the tasks because they don't meet your "standards." For instance, my wife basically puts "clean" dishes into the dishwasher. I just remove large solids and expect the dishwasher to get the rest, which drives my wife insane. Then there's how you load it. She has had to learn to hold her tongue and not barge in to do it "right" or a new cycle starts.
Thank you for all your support. I agree ; dh is a lost cause. But the kids ; I definately do NOT want them growing up thinking its ok for mummy to do everything ; or their wives. My older son is very good ; will do things if asked, the 10 year old ; he would rather do nothing.
I am not a person who says ; do it my way or the highway ; as long as its done, i dont really care how its done. Everyone has their own way of doing things.
I will keep trying not do take back any of the chores ; granted it was hard to watch my dh at 6am doing the laundry ; But I didnt step in and jsut let him get on with it. Guilt is a terrible thing ; being irish and catholic is enough. I kept thinking that he didnt feel guilty watching me doing things at 10pm or 6am so why should I?
Thanks again. I jsut get annoyed because nothing changes until I explode. Why should I have to explode for some change around here/
You're not alone in feeling this way. We wear alot of hats along with mother and wife. We feel a tremendous sense of obligation to take care of our families.....we are nurturers by nature.....damn nature!!
What you have done is finally let your family know that it takes a team to run a home and you can't (and shouldn't) be expected to do it all. It's time for your kids to learn to do things to help out, after all it's your job as parents to teach them to be able to take care of themselves (you won't always be around you know).
The guilt will slowly be overcome with satisfaction once you see that you have more quality time to spend with your family because chores get done quicker when they are split out. Perhaps you can devote that time to a family game night, going out to dinner, etc. The kids will have a happier, less stressed mom and hubby will reap the benefits as well!
Good luck!
An excellent post, seeniorita! I agree wholeheartedly with this. Good luck to you, Dorothy!
Mom had this one electric pot to cook stews and chili and stuff in and when we saw it in operation, we knew it was a school night. My first order of business was feeding and taking care of my little brother on those nights. We affectionately referred to it as the 'slop pot.'
When she was moving out one apartment into another (their marriage didn's survive after she graduated) there were all these pots and pans in a box and there it was THE SLOP POT!!! With the excitement of a child at Christmas, I pulled it out of the box - all the teflon was pretty much scraped out of it - but it still worked. The thing belonged in the Smithsonian, or at least passed down as an heirloom. We tossed it around to each other and all the stories and the laughter about the whole thing came pouring out. The best meals, the worst meals, the Chili incident- but it was all in fun. My younger brother, who was just a baby at the time of the slop pot's use got quite an education that day. She, my mother, was even laughing about it. Someone still has that pot and I'm waiting for someone to wrap it up and give it to me for Christmas some year.
The other chore, laundry, came with some additional perks. I let everyone know that they needed to clean their pockets out before tossing their pants in the hamper - otherwise whatever I found - I kept. Sometimes I'd get a couple hundred dollars out of dryer load. I kept it as a tip.
The other chore I liked was the rider mower, mowing the 3 acres in the back to the river. I could go way out there and not hear my dad barking orders like a drill sergant at everyone. It was the 'escape' chore and it was a first come, first serve chore and my brother and I would race to get up to be the one to do it. I was maybe 9 or 10 when we did all this. I loved being out there away from all the stress - and the other chore was cleaning the pool which I hated because he'd constantly come out and tell you how you weren't doing it right every 5 minutes. So, give me the tractor any day of the week over that nonsense.
Last edited by Thursday007; 10-20-2010 at 01:35 PM..
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
