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Doesn't it suck when we fall in love with somebody horrible for us, and we even realize it, but can't help ourselves?
Lotsa Neil Diamond, Bonny Raite can help. Also a best friend who swears "when they come back around, I'll strangle you myself if you even think of going back!", can help. Been there, done that.
Best thing I did, was take a break from dating, until I went through the stages of death in my marriage. Until then, still wanting her, still compairing to her, thinking i'll never find another her, dooms any chances of finding a nice NOT HER.
You lived with too little for too long, and on top of that you had a big hole blown into your trust from his Adult Friend Finder involvement.
Now he is "coming around" and acts like everything is fine. I would imagine that you feel like he got off pretty easy, and all the hurt you have endured is kind of brushed under the rug, simply because he's "all better now". Well, good for him, but how does that leave you feeling? A bit resentful of the hard times you faced with him and he never had to feel anything.
With that being said, and even if it holds an ounce of truth, you have to decide if moving forward this new changed man is what you want. Will you be able to let the past go and move forward? Or did the past leave you too scarred to live in the present without resentment?
Forgive, forget and be happy with what you have now is probably easier said than done. But it is a decision you consciously have to make.
What is there to "love"...? If it were an obsession (he was hot, smart, witty, smooth talker, good in bed, young, wealthy, or any combination of those), I'd understand! In her other threads she's talking about not even having sex!
Agreed. And I think that most of us in that other thread suggested that she separate from him. That may not be what she wanted to hear since she started a new thread asking for advice on the same issue.
I am so sorry for all that you're going through. It sounds like he is just a wee bit committment-phobic and I don't see that changing for you.
I was in a similar situation with a BF I had known for years and had lived with for about a year. We had the opportunity to buy and restore a historic home together, but our relationship was falling apart. He'd reniged on promises he'd made to someday move away from the area stating bluntly one day, "BTW, I never intend to leave this area." I have some gypsy blood in me and didn't want to be committed to one area forever. He didn't communicate with me and was overall very immature. When it came time for me to submit the paperwork to get on a waiting list for the home, I decided at the last minute not to do it and about 6 months later, left him and moved to a new city and started a new life. I knew he'd had a "friendship" with a single mother he'd met years prior, but in the end, suspected it was more. Within 6 months of me leaving, they were engaged and later had two kids together. They are now divorced after he discovered her cheating and not surprisingly, he's asking friends about my status. I married a few years ago and am welcoming my first child next year and couldn't be happier in life.
Not to burden you with my story, but my point is that you can improve your life and increase your chances for happiness. WOuldn't you rather just be single than feel this uncertaintly right now? I think in your heart, you know what you need to do. I wish you the best of luck.
Thank you so much for your message. I read it several times as it felt like you were trying to tell me something. It feels like you know where I am. That's what I needed.
I think I see what I need to do, I'm just having a hard time pulling the trigger. Your happiness in life is encouraging.
Agreed. And I think that most of us in that other thread suggested that she separate from him. That may not be what she wanted to hear since she started a new thread asking for advice on the same issue.
Ohhh a rehashment? OK
Here's what you do...You're not trying hard enough! He deserves better and you know it! You should go to him, and declare your undying love, and he will come along, eventually. Never quit, never surrender, he's worth it!
Chucky I mean Chuckles was on AFF and you are telling us he is NOT a player. He most certainly is a player. He is playing you for a fool. I don't think you want to be with him anymore. I really don't. You are scared of leaving him because he is all you have known for 10 years. I agree it has got to be scary.
You are not happy with him. He has broken your trust.
Last edited by KylieEve; 10-22-2010 at 02:39 PM..
Reason: .
Ok, I'm gonna spill here because I'm so twisted up inside and I need to get over it and move on. A sane person I guess would write in a journal or talk to a friend, but I'll open my insane life up here for discussion.
If you want the short, to the point, story, I rolled the dice with this guy I'm with, and it's not working out. And I should move on. The End.
If you want the details, get a cup of coffee and get comfortable. Me and this guy, I'll call him Chuckles, have been dating on and off, since January 2002. It started with him being very distant and saying he didn't want a relationship. There is no "we". And, "you don't factor in." Lovely things like that. Yet, he would call and email me and talk for hours like a new boyfriend would do. He also took me on several trips, vacations, shared his life with me, took me to concerts, movies, dinners, spent time, money, the whole thing. All while being at arm's length. It was so confusing! I fell hard for him in month one. I was a goner, so I put up with it, thinking he'd come around if he learned he could trust me.
He didn't come around. I would get fed up, end it, and we'd keep our distance for a few weeks or months. Then one of us would meander back to the other and start the whole rotation over again. This went on for four years. In summer 2006 his work moved him to Little Rock, Arkansas. We were from NJ/PA. After great discussion I decided to go with him. It was a nightmare. We were SO distant and snipy and annoyed and - it was bad. After 8 months I received a job offer in North Carolina and moved here, he went back to PA.
Two years go by, we chat sporadically but I was determined to move on with my life and start over. I did. New job, new state, new friends, new dates, the whole thing. I did it all on my own.
I thought we were done. I purged him from my system. Mostly. He emailed me to say he needed surgery and he may die, turns out it was a boil getting lanced. The communications started again, he bought a boat (which he knew I loved boating) brought it down to take me out, and we reconnected. We talked about getting back together. The word "love" was now in his vocabulary. We discussed him moving down here to NC so we could be together. I insisted it not be like Little Rock and maybe he should get his own place and we just try it out. He said no, he loves me and knows what he wants now, he's ready to do it. Pensively, I agree.
It's the same as Little Rock. He moved in and its been essentially the same ever since. That was August 1, 2009. Here we are, a year later, not much has changed. Well, except that I found he put an ad on adult friend finder in July. After a year of being distant from me, and having nothing for me, he was trolling for skanks. That almost did me in, I got so depressed I almost crashed my car and didn't sleep for weeks. Somehow, we talked through it. August, September, October now. He bought a house and we're doing the renovations and it's supposed to be our home. Where we'll start our life. But WHY didn't our life start when he moved in last August? Why has it taken a YEAR for us to be happy? What was he doing this whole time? Why were we not working on being closer and ironing out our kinks for the past year? Why NOW???
My head swims with reasons. He met someone else and has been fooling around with her this whole past year and now she moved away or something. Or, he's been trolling the net this whole time and had no luck. Or, he smooth talked me into beliving this time it would be love, and us, and happy, when it's more of the same crap as before.
I wonder every time he walks out the door. I want to check his emails, his phones, bank accounts, I want to know his whereabouts, and I don't do this as vigilantly as I used to, I've calmed down. But the doubts don't go away.
He's not a player. He's not joe cool, in fact he's a regular guy with a regular job. The thing is, I know that he's crafty. Very crafty. And I've caught him in little lies about little things through this past year. That could just be normal human stuff. Or, he's playing me.
Now he's been nicer. Sweeter, a little more loving, and he says things like he's trying to learn. He's trying to improve. But I'm bitter about the past year and also about the ad on AFF. And I still see the old cold, distant Chuckles a lot of the time.
The bottom line is, I'm not getting what I need. And I may never get it from him. So I should leave, right? After everything we've been through? And our house is almost ready, and our future is waiting for us. The future I always wanted with him, and only him. I dated a lot while he was away and never found anyone even close. He's been the only one for me for almost a decade.
Sorry this turned into a short novel. Right now, today, I don't know what to do. I think I would feel relieved if I moved out and got my own place and started over. But does that make me a quitter? We seem to work out big problems really well together. And I'm no spring chicken either, I mean I'm still pretty but I'm not 21 anymore. I don't know. I just don't know. It's so hard for me to figure out what to do. I think about it all the time.
Any serious, well-intentioned suggestions would be welcome.
You seem like a very loving and very caring person..You just involved with a man who didnt love you the way you should be loved ...WITH RESPECT.
I think this man was miserable and you know what they say misery loves company.
Leave this man for good or you'll continue having a life of loveless with him, and no satisfaction for your heart or soul.
You deserve to be happy...
Good luck
What is there to "love"...? If it were an obsession (he was hot, smart, witty, smooth talker, good in bed, young, wealthy, or any combination of those), I'd understand! In her other threads she's talking about not even having sex!
Her words. Though after reading the following
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vanna10
Do we really believe, any of us, that we have a choice in who we fall in love with? Really? Because I don't believe we do. Case in point, my current man, we worked together in the same office for nine months and I never gave him a second look. Then one night at the office xmas party we danced and the way he held me opened my eyes. The way he looked at me I felt like I'd been electrocuted. I was intrigued beyond belief. The first time he kissed me, after our first dinner date, I fell in love. I was a goner. It was that natural.
Meanwhile, my ex husband, a dependable, funny, loyal, cute, loving guy, I didn't have it for him. I tried, but it wasn't there. You can't make it be there. It just happens.
I've always been curious about people who shun others for their bad romantic issues. Like we have a choice. I wish I could choose who I fall in love with.
Explains more than I cared to know. The problem is not the men in her life.
Explains more than I cared to know. The problem is not the men in her life.
You must've gotten this from another thread I haven't read because it's not here... Now this I can understand (I have similar problems myself) and it does explain the situation.
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