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Old 10-28-2010, 12:22 PM
 
5,139 posts, read 8,817,220 times
Reputation: 5248

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I have always been considered a "good listener", which has been a plus and a minus for me. I know alot about other people but they don't seem too interested in me, except to listen.

I have a very good friend, who I don't want to lose as a friend, but every time we get together for the past few years, it is hour after hour of her talking about her problems. Of course, I have talked about my problems to her as well, but not to where it is hours. And when she wants to go out and have fun, it is always with other people...when we plan a fun day, it turns into a therapy session.

I need to talk to her about this...but not sure how to approach it without coming across as uncaring.

Anybody have any suggestions?
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Old 10-28-2010, 12:51 PM
 
Location: Say-Town! Texas
968 posts, read 2,614,567 times
Reputation: 567
Quote:
Originally Posted by loveautumn View Post
I have always been considered a "good listener", which has been a plus and a minus for me. I know alot about other people but they don't seem too interested in me, except to listen.

I have a very good friend, who I don't want to lose as a friend, but every time we get together for the past few years, it is hour after hour of her talking about her problems. Of course, I have talked about my problems to her as well, but not to where it is hours. And when she wants to go out and have fun, it is always with other people...when we plan a fun day, it turns into a therapy session.

I need to talk to her about this...but not sure how to approach it without coming across as uncaring.

Anybody have any suggestions?
whats your goal? to have her talk less? or to have her be a more fun and productive person while ya'll are hanging out?

some people are sob stories....i got a friend like that and as long as he's buying dinner, i'll listen all night, but i won't listen unless i'm getting something out of it. its a give and take, and he appreciates my advice.

if you're not having fun while hanging out with her, go find someone else you do have fun with.
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Old 10-28-2010, 01:16 PM
 
Location: Between Philadelphia and Allentown, PA
5,077 posts, read 14,611,273 times
Reputation: 3783
Quote:
Originally Posted by loveautumn View Post
I have always been considered a "good listener", which has been a plus and a minus for me. I know alot about other people but they don't seem too interested in me, except to listen.

I have a very good friend, who I don't want to lose as a friend, but every time we get together for the past few years, it is hour after hour of her talking about her problems. Of course, I have talked about my problems to her as well, but not to where it is hours. And when she wants to go out and have fun, it is always with other people...when we plan a fun day, it turns into a therapy session.

I need to talk to her about this...but not sure how to approach it without coming across as uncaring.

Anybody have any suggestions?
I know what you mean, as I've gotten older, I have less tolerance for those types that monopolize your time on all of their own issues and don't have the least bit of interest in the friendship or you for that matter. Those types are exhausting and while on one hand you want to be a good friend, after awhile you just want to tell them to shut up and ask how YOU are doing for once.

Good luck.. I've learned to just tell it like it is.
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Old 10-28-2010, 01:47 PM
 
Location: 39 20' 59"N / 75 30' 53"W
16,077 posts, read 28,466,106 times
Reputation: 18184
Quote:
Originally Posted by loveautumn View Post
I have always been considered a "good listener", which has been a plus and a minus for me. I know alot about other people but they don't seem too interested in me, except to listen.

I have a very good friend, who I don't want to lose as a friend, but every time we get together for the past few years, it is hour after hour of her talking about her problems. Of course, I have talked about my problems to her as well, but not to where it is hours. And when she wants to go out and have fun, it is always with other people...when we plan a fun day, it turns into a therapy session.

I need to talk to her about this...but not sure how to approach it without coming across as uncaring.

Anybody have any suggestions?
You're too nice. Heres what you do; the next time you get together and it rolls into a therapy session, smile and jokingly let her know you're hourly rate, then redirect the conversation. If that offends her and you don't hear from her again, she wasn't your friend.
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Old 10-28-2010, 02:40 PM
 
Location: Portlandia "burbs"
10,229 posts, read 16,248,518 times
Reputation: 26005
I like Virgode's response. It may offend her but if she doesn't get the message then nothing else will work.

I, too, have been described as a good listener (although I'm not as "good" as I used to be), and I've found that giving them advice that they don't like ~ asked for or not~ will sometimes shut them up temporarily. I'm not good at pushing advice on people who don't ask for it, but once in awhile I'll reach a point where if I'm expected to keeping listening to the same old things over 'n' over then I'm going to put my mouth to work. I can always tell when they don't like what I say ~ it shows in their eyes, and they'll either stop talking, or maybe proceed on to why it wouldn't work.
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Old 10-28-2010, 03:06 PM
 
Location: Nashville, Tn
7,915 posts, read 18,584,219 times
Reputation: 5524
I've had quite a few friends over the years who just couldn't seem to engage in a conversation that actually goes back and forth between two people and occasionally ideas are exchanged. I find it very irritating when I try to squeeze my little bit of air time into the conversation and you can tell that they're not even listening but are just thinking about what they're going to say next. I also hate it when people constantly interrupt me to the point that it's almost like a battle to simply talk with each other. I used to be much more timid and not as confident in my own opinions as I am today which is pretty typical as we get older. At some point it may be necessary to get a little confrontational if you can't get a word in edgewise. I'm actually a very good listener but I expect the same courtesy in return.
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Old 10-28-2010, 05:52 PM
 
Location: In the real world!
2,178 posts, read 9,555,491 times
Reputation: 2847
Is that what my problem is? That I am a good listener? I never thought of it that way! I just thought all my friends were yappers!

Ha.... and when you try to get a word in, they just talk right over you... I swear, I think that is everybody I know these days!!
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Old 10-28-2010, 08:43 PM
 
28,896 posts, read 53,983,212 times
Reputation: 46662
Quote:
Originally Posted by loveautumn View Post
I have always been considered a "good listener", which has been a plus and a minus for me. I know alot about other people but they don't seem too interested in me, except to listen.

I have a very good friend, who I don't want to lose as a friend, but every time we get together for the past few years, it is hour after hour of her talking about her problems. Of course, I have talked about my problems to her as well, but not to where it is hours. And when she wants to go out and have fun, it is always with other people...when we plan a fun day, it turns into a therapy session.

I need to talk to her about this...but not sure how to approach it without coming across as uncaring.

Anybody have any suggestions?
Here's an acid test. Direct the conversation to you. Make it a prolonged discussion. If her eyes start to glaze over, then directs it all back to herself as soon as decently possible, then you have a narcissist on your hands. You are being used.
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Old 10-28-2010, 09:33 PM
 
25,157 posts, read 53,831,934 times
Reputation: 7058
How do you know she doesn't have post traumatic stress or attention deficit problems?

Quote:
Originally Posted by cpg35223 View Post
Here's an acid test. Direct the conversation to you. Make it a prolonged discussion. If her eyes start to glaze over, then directs it all back to herself as soon as decently possible, then you have a narcissist on your hands. You are being used.
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Old 10-29-2010, 12:42 AM
 
8,679 posts, read 15,231,309 times
Reputation: 15342
After about a half hour of that inconsiderate boor's blathering, I'd look at my watch and say, "But enough about YOU."

Because, see, I'm not as patient and kind as Virgode is when it comes to self-absorbed little prats.
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