How much listening is too much listening? (how to, love, therapy)

[loveautumn]

I have always been considered a "good listener", which has been a plus and a minus for me. I know alot about other people but they don't seem too interested in me, except to listen.

I have a very good friend, who I don't want to lose as a friend, but every time we get together for the past few years, it is hour after hour of her talking about her problems. Of course, I have talked about my problems to her as well, but not to where it is hours. And when she wants to go out and have fun, it is always with other people...when we plan a fun day, it turns into a therapy session.

I need to talk to her about this...but not sure how to approach it without coming across as uncaring.

Anybody have any suggestions?

[Orincarnia]

Originally Posted by loveautumn

I have always been considered a "good listener", which has been a plus and a minus for me. I know alot about other people but they don't seem too interested in me, except to listen.

I have a very good friend, who I don't want to lose as a friend, but every time we get together for the past few years, it is hour after hour of her talking about her problems. Of course, I have talked about my problems to her as well, but not to where it is hours. And when she wants to go out and have fun, it is always with other people...when we plan a fun day, it turns into a therapy session.

I need to talk to her about this...but not sure how to approach it without coming across as uncaring.

Anybody have any suggestions?

whats your goal? to have her talk less? or to have her be a more fun and productive person while ya'll are hanging out?

some people are sob stories....i got a friend like that and as long as he's buying dinner, i'll listen all night, but i won't listen unless i'm getting something out of it. its a give and take, and he appreciates my advice.

if you're not having fun while hanging out with her, go find someone else you do have fun with.

[andreaspercheron]

Originally Posted by loveautumn

I have always been considered a "good listener", which has been a plus and a minus for me. I know alot about other people but they don't seem too interested in me, except to listen.

I have a very good friend, who I don't want to lose as a friend, but every time we get together for the past few years, it is hour after hour of her talking about her problems. Of course, I have talked about my problems to her as well, but not to where it is hours. And when she wants to go out and have fun, it is always with other people...when we plan a fun day, it turns into a therapy session.

I need to talk to her about this...but not sure how to approach it without coming across as uncaring.

Anybody have any suggestions?

I know what you mean, as I've gotten older, I have less tolerance for those types that monopolize your time on all of their own issues and don't have the least bit of interest in the friendship or you for that matter. Those types are exhausting and while on one hand you want to be a good friend, after awhile you just want to tell them to shut up and ask how YOU are doing for once.

Good luck.. I've learned to just tell it like it is.

[virgode]

Originally Posted by loveautumn

I have always been considered a "good listener", which has been a plus and a minus for me. I know alot about other people but they don't seem too interested in me, except to listen.

I have a very good friend, who I don't want to lose as a friend, but every time we get together for the past few years, it is hour after hour of her talking about her problems. Of course, I have talked about my problems to her as well, but not to where it is hours. And when she wants to go out and have fun, it is always with other people...when we plan a fun day, it turns into a therapy session.

I need to talk to her about this...but not sure how to approach it without coming across as uncaring.

Anybody have any suggestions?

You're too nice. Heres what you do; the next time you get together and it rolls into a therapy session, smile and jokingly let her know you're hourly rate, then redirect the conversation. If that offends her and you don't hear from her again, she wasn't your friend.

[Bluesmama]

I like Virgode's response. It may offend her but if she doesn't get the message then nothing else will work.

I, too, have been described as a good listener (although I'm not as "good" as I used to be), and I've found that giving them advice that they don't like ~ asked for or not~ will sometimes shut them up temporarily. I'm not good at pushing advice on people who don't ask for it, but once in awhile I'll reach a point where if I'm expected to keeping listening to the same old things over 'n' over then I'm going to put my mouth to work. I can always tell when they don't like what I say ~ it shows in their eyes, and they'll either stop talking, or maybe proceed on to why it wouldn't work.

[MontanaGuy]

I've had quite a few friends over the years who just couldn't seem to engage in a conversation that actually goes back and forth between two people and occasionally ideas are exchanged. I find it very irritating when I try to squeeze my little bit of air time into the conversation and you can tell that they're not even listening but are just thinking about what they're going to say next. I also hate it when people constantly interrupt me to the point that it's almost like a battle to simply talk with each other. I used to be much more timid and not as confident in my own opinions as I am today which is pretty typical as we get older. At some point it may be necessary to get a little confrontational if you can't get a word in edgewise. I'm actually a very good listener but I expect the same courtesy in return.

[Laura707]

Is that what my problem is? That I am a good listener? I never thought of it that way! I just thought all my friends were yappers!

Ha.... and when you try to get a word in, they just talk right over you... I swear, I think that is everybody I know these days!!

[cpg35223]

Originally Posted by loveautumn

I have always been considered a "good listener", which has been a plus and a minus for me. I know alot about other people but they don't seem too interested in me, except to listen.

I have a very good friend, who I don't want to lose as a friend, but every time we get together for the past few years, it is hour after hour of her talking about her problems. Of course, I have talked about my problems to her as well, but not to where it is hours. And when she wants to go out and have fun, it is always with other people...when we plan a fun day, it turns into a therapy session.

I need to talk to her about this...but not sure how to approach it without coming across as uncaring.

Anybody have any suggestions?

Here's an acid test. Direct the conversation to you. Make it a prolonged discussion. If her eyes start to glaze over, then directs it all back to herself as soon as decently possible, then you have a narcissist on your hands. You are being used.

[artsyguy]

How do you know she doesn't have post traumatic stress or attention deficit problems?

Originally Posted by cpg35223

Here's an acid test. Direct the conversation to you. Make it a prolonged discussion. If her eyes start to glaze over, then directs it all back to herself as soon as decently possible, then you have a narcissist on your hands. You are being used.

[Yzette]

After about a half hour of that inconsiderate boor's blathering, I'd look at my watch and say, "But enough about YOU."

Because, see, I'm not as patient and kind as Virgode is when it comes to self-absorbed little prats.