How is it justified to be angry after you get dumped? (dating, marry)
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So I recently went through a very quick and odd relationship. A guy I'd dated off and on for 2 years was going to move with me (temporarily) and we were going to try and work on being a couple again. I ended up meeting someone new and told my ex that he wouldn't be able to stay with me and we would not be together. As I expected, he was very angry. A few days later, he messages me telling me how hurt he was along with some that I took as threatening. After that, he tried again to contact me more rationally but I had nothing left to say to him and didn't want to hea what he had to say either.
The new guy and I got serious very quickly. After a week, he bought me a diamond ring. We were clear that it was a symbol of how serious he was about me and not an engagement ring. Soon after, he asked me to move in and eventually I gave in. Before I'd lived there for two weeks, he dumped me. He's been very nice and apologetic through this whole thing, but I can't help but be pissed. I, however have let him know how inconvenienced I am, but have kept most of my anger to myself. While I was moving, we had to communicate, but I kept it all very minimal as I just wanted to put the whole mess behind me. Last week, I was clearly avoiding him (we work together) and he had the nerve to get mad at me saying that he's been nice and respectful throughout this whole thing and I made him feel like I thought he was mean. I do think he's mean lol!
Why do people get so angry during break ups? I know I didn't intend to hurt my old guy and I don't think the new guy intended to hurt me.. But I can't help but be angry at him (and myself). Is it okay to feel like this? And if so, why is it okay?
So I recently went through a very quick and odd relationship. A guy I'd dated off and on for 2 years was going to move with me (temporarily) and we were going to try and work on being a couple again. I ended up meeting someone new and told my ex that he wouldn't be able to stay with me and we would not be together. As I expected, he was very angry. A few days later, he messages me telling me how hurt he was along with some that I took as threatening. After that, he tried again to contact me more rationally but I had nothing left to say to him and didn't want to hea what he had to say either.
The new guy and I got serious very quickly. After a week, he bought me a diamond ring. We were clear that it was a symbol of how serious he was about me and not an engagement ring. Soon after, he asked me to move in and eventually I gave in. Before I'd lived there for two weeks, he dumped me. He's been very nice and apologetic through this whole thing, but I can't help but be pissed. I, however have let him know how inconvenienced I am, but have kept most of my anger to myself. While I was moving, we had to communicate, but I kept it all very minimal as I just wanted to put the whole mess behind me. Last week, I was clearly avoiding him (we work together) and he had the nerve to get mad at me saying that he's been nice and respectful throughout this whole thing and I made him feel like I thought he was mean. I do think he's mean lol!
Why do people get so angry during break ups?
Because they're hurt - most/many people respond to having their feelings hurt by getting angry. It both expresses their feelings while also being a way to protect them. Once you've been hurt by someone, you don't want them to see you vulnerable and weak and getting angry shows that you're not (it doesn't really but we feel like it does).
Quote:
I know I didn't intend to hurt my old guy and I don't think the new guy intended to hurt me.. But I can't help but be angry at him (and myself). Is it okay to feel like this? And if so, why is it okay?
Yes, it's okay as long as you don't resort to the threatening nature that your ex did. It's okay to feel that way because you're human and it's a natural reaction. It's sort of like grieving - you have to go through a certain emotional process to get over the event and move on. As long as you're not hanging onto your anger too long, there is nothing harmful about your feelings.
I hope that you have learned from this relationship though. Whether it was an engagement ring or not, buying someone expensive jewelry after only a week in a relationship is not healthy behavior. Nor is moving in together "soon after" that. Check out this article: Warning Signs That You're Dating a Loser
Point number 2 is "Quick Attachment and Expression"
Quote:
"The Loser" has very shallow emotions and connections with others. One of the things that might attract you to "The Loser" is how quickly he or she says "I Love You" or wants to marry or commit to you. Typically, in less than a few weeks of dating you'll hear that you're the love of their life, they want to be with you forever, and they want to marry you. You'll receive gifts, a variety of promises, and be showered with their attention and nice gestures. This is the "honeymoon phase" - where they catch you and convince you that they are the best thing that ever happened to you. Remember the business saying "If it's too good to be true it probably is (too good to be true)!" You may be so overwhelmed by this display of instant attraction, instant commitment, and instant planning for the future that you'll miss the major point - it doesn't make sense!! Normal, healthy individuals require a long process to develop a relationship because there is so much at stake. Healthy individuals will wait for a lot of information before offering a commitment - not three weeks. It's true that we can become infatuated with others quickly - but not make such unrealistic promises and have the future planned after three dates. The rapid warm-up is always a sign of shallow emotions which later cause "The Loser" to detach from you as quickly as they committed. "The Loser" typically wants to move in with you or marry you in less than four weeks or very early in the relationship.
Particularly note the parts I bolded, it sounds like your relationship almost word for word. I'm not trying to make you feel bad about yourself for being "fooled" or anything - I'm just hoping this will help you learn from your experience and see the warning signs so this doesn't happen again.
Sometimes I am really amazed at the male perspective.
I suppose this man thinks you should 'just get over it'?
'No big deal' or something like that?
The hurting of feelings. Not something that many men want to acknowledge is a possibility. Now his feelings are hurt--perhaps he can gain some insight into how you might feel.
I just don't know. I'm still rather puzzled by the response I received when I thought I had been kind and rather reasonably explained that--'Yes, you hurt my feelings'. He offered some rather cryptic comments--I assumed they were well-intended--but sounded like 'Get over it' to me.
When you dump someone--yes, feelings get hurt--which should indicate that there was some degree of affection for the person who decided the relationship should end.
If you have made the decision to get together with the new guy, then you need to stop throwing past petty crap in his face.
If you cannot forgive him for it, then my suggestion would be to move on.
There is no sense in making someone "eat it" over, and over. I mean, if you can`t handle what he did before, then why put yourself in the same exact position?
Get over it, or get out! Good luck!!
So I recently went through a very quick and odd relationship. A guy I'd dated off and on for 2 years was going to move with me (temporarily) and we were going to try and work on being a couple again. I ended up meeting someone new and told my ex that he wouldn't be able to stay with me and we would not be together. As I expected, he was very angry. A few days later, he messages me telling me how hurt he was along with some that I took as threatening. After that, he tried again to contact me more rationally but I had nothing left to say to him and didn't want to hea what he had to say either.
The new guy and I got serious very quickly. After a week, he bought me a diamond ring. We were clear that it was a symbol of how serious he was about me and not an engagement ring. Soon after, he asked me to move in and eventually I gave in. Before I'd lived there for two weeks, he dumped me. He's been very nice and apologetic through this whole thing, but I can't help but be pissed. I, however have let him know how inconvenienced I am, but have kept most of my anger to myself. While I was moving, we had to communicate, but I kept it all very minimal as I just wanted to put the whole mess behind me. Last week, I was clearly avoiding him (we work together) and he had the nerve to get mad at me saying that he's been nice and respectful throughout this whole thing and I made him feel like I thought he was mean. I do think he's mean lol!
Why do people get so angry during break ups? I know I didn't intend to hurt my old guy and I don't think the new guy intended to hurt me.. But I can't help but be angry at him (and myself). Is it okay to feel like this? And if so, why is it okay?
Well now you know how the other guy feels but really it should be yourself that you are angry with for moving in so quickly with someone you didn't know.
Sometimes I am really amazed at the male perspective.
I suppose this man thinks you should 'just get over it'?
'No big deal' or something like that?
The hurting of feelings. Not something that many men want to acknowledge is a possibility. Now his feelings are hurt--perhaps he can gain some insight into how you might feel.
I just don't know. I'm still rather puzzled by the response I received when I thought I had been kind and rather reasonably explained that--'Yes, you hurt my feelings'. He offered some rather cryptic comments--I assumed they were well-intended--but sounded like 'Get over it' to me.
When you dump someone--yes, feelings get hurt--which should indicate that there was some degree of affection for the person who decided the relationship should end.
But hurt feelings are just a part of life and a part of love and romance. What other choice do you have but to just get over it?
You can allow yourself to be hurt the rest of your lifetime, never get over it. Or you can move on. It's your choice - but of course it's okay to be hurt for a short time, be sad for a short time but the whole point is to get over it.
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